It has been a while........

I have had several ppl write me lately and ask me to keep writing, or why haven't I written, or if I still blog. I get the picture! =) I need to write again.

What a great week! We have had so much going on lately, it seems like we meet each other coming and going. Cade is loving T-ball but due to the rain outs we are waiting for some good weather to continue out the last few games.
Speaking of weather.....my heart just aches for the ppl of Joplin! Oh, my!!! They totally need our prayers.

I have been working on painting our house. It sounds crazy, but actually is a very easy job.
1.) I don't have to worry about drips on the carpet...
2.) I have Aaron do all the really high stuff....which is on the chimney.
Tonight.....we FINISHED! We still have the trim to paint white...but hey- the color is on and it is no longer Orange. (I'm not kidding.)

May is a HUGE month for birthdays and Anniversaries in our family. Just so happens Aaron and I celebrated our 7th yesterday. Hard to believe it has been that long! We went away for a short weekend and had a blast. We went to a B&B, and shopped (what a guy!). We did end up at Bass Pro where he proceeded to buy me a  BB gun for "my" birthday, but I will get to that part later. My birthday follows the day after our anniversary (Aaron says it is for the "ease of remembering") and he also purchased "Just Dance 2" for my enjoyment. Let me tell you....I am wiped out from playing. I haven't laughed so hard in such a long time.

My flowers are planted, and I am waiting on some back fill dirt to come for me to finish the front and yes, I promise to follow up with pictures. =)

I'm a pretty friendly neighbor to live beside. Don't mind animals in the least....except when they dig up my flowers and poop right outside my front door, allowing my visitors and my family to track it into the house......which brings me to the gun. Aaron decided that since he is never home when this happens, that I needed this BB/Pellet gun. I would have settled for a Daisy-( a hot pink one). But noooooo, I have to have the "fastest gun in the west" and "you totally need this scope attachment" etc...all for "my" birthday. Its just a BB gun for pete's sake! Needless to say this "gun" has me out back for target practice... waiting for the moment when I acheive "accuracy" so I can sting that dog right in the hind end. "That'll teach 'im!" (all the quotes from A) I can just picture myself now......sitting in a rocking chair on the back porch with my gun across my lap- Red neck mama! Just kidding. We will see how long this lasts. I don't think I will pass target practice. My broom works wonders. Just the sight of it sends them running....(although I have NEVER touched the dog w/ it). I am sure the neighbors get a good laugh at the crazy bald lady and her broom. For some reason the word "redneck" doesn't describe that word picture. Don't worry about the gun....I couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if I tried....and for goodness sakes... don't turn me into PETA.

Tomorrow is the second to the last of Chemo!!! They were closed today so they scooted me over to tomorrow. Didn't mind a day off one bit. It is hard to take that next step and wean myself off of the routine that has been my life for the past 5 1/2 months. Mixed emotions describe it best. So glad to be done and scared to stand on my own two feet again all at the same time. I can honestly say that I am doing well. Living. Breathing. Struggling. Laughing. You know....normal things. =) Bad days come less and less, but are still there and I imagine they will be for some years to come. I don't fear them any more. It is sort of like a big wave....sometimes it is best to just ride it out instead of trying to surf/resist it. This past week I had a couple days like it. At the risk of sounding redundant- I'm just trying to be real. What you see is what you get, or in this case- what you read is what you get. I don't like to share EVERYTHING, but I do share enough so that those of you that are going thru the very same thing can feel like you are not alone. So that those of you who want to know but hate to ask can understand what it is like. Yes, I am going to post another Q & A segment. It's a whole lot easier this way so bear with me.....

Do you have hair yet? YES- about an inch long, getting thicker all the time.

Do you have pain? Yes, sometimes I do. For some reason I feel a lot when I try something new like exercise, or even just stretching. Most of the time just numbness and tingling. You get used to it after a while.

Do you still cry? As a matter of fact I do...two nights in a row last week I cried myself to sleep. I still cannot believe I am here sometimes. Moments like those leave a heaviness in my heart that cannot be relieved any other way.

What has been the most unexpected part? To be honest, I didn't expect to feel lonely. Time and circumstance  have a way of changing things. Dynamics change, relationships change, we all change, etc. This has taught me much about friendships, and like I have said before....myself. Interesting stuff to be sure.

How are you feeling? I feel great. I do get tired towards the end of the week, but other than that I feel good.

How are you really feeling? Most days great. This past week it was so difficult for me to look in the mirror. For whatever reason, it helps to just not look on those days. I don't know if it is the baldness or what, but it gets to me on those particular days and in order for it not to consume my thoughts or mind, I just don't look. It is hard not to imagine that ppl are laughing at me or thinking I look weird or whatever. Sometimes we avoid ppl when we don't know what to say or they look different from us. We especially avoid ppl going thru stuff that we don't want to go thru b/c we suddenly realize it could be happen to us. I know b/c I have been there. More times that I want to admit.
What a life lesson this has been for me. My "deformity" is temporary....but what about the other ppl out there that have no choice? What if something like this happens  to you/me? These are questions that I never entertained before. Walking in these shoes for the past 6 months has taught me that you never know what someone else is feeling. Never assume anything. Often it is our own insecurity that drives us away from doing what we should. Our minds play some crazy tricks on us at any stage or situation in life. It is best to think on what is true, lovely, noble, right, good, admirable, etc. When I do....and I am not kidding you....I ALWAYS see a butterfly- reminding me of the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Reminding me that He is with me and will never leave. Reminding me that He is doing a work- not me, and He makes all things beautiful in HIS time. We just have to wait and obey. Life is pretty much a journey of faith. It is good to be reminded isn't it? God is good, faithful and thank you Jesus, that you are full of grace for this girl! For all of us and especially for the days like today when I realize I have so much to learn.

So, that is pretty much my week in a nutshell/post. Yes, a little more lengthy than some, after all....it has been a while........

T-ball, Chemo, and mice.....

Well, the title pretty much sums up my day. Besides T-ball, there isn't that much "fun" on the agenda, but.....you gotta to do what you gotta to do, right?

Rain has been a huge factor in Cade's T-ball schedule. This week is a make up week, fitting in four games between now and Saturday. To say that we will be busy is an understatement! It will be so much fun! Practice has been hilarious, so I can only imagine the games!!! Ha!

The countdown is on for Chemo. Four. Then three, then two, well- you get the picture. I am pretty excited. It is also very emotional for me. I feel like I have conquered something. I don't know the full impact yet, but it feels big and has made some huge changes in my life. These ladies have shown me a different side of humanity. The other Chemo patients have taught me about true humility and service. Don't know that I can explain it much better than that. Last week at treatment I sat by a woman who is 75. She was dx. w/ lung ca. To say that she was scared was an understatement. When she heard me cracking a joke about my wig, she reached over and grabbed my hand and asked me how I did it. I asked her what she meant and she said, "how can you handle losing your hair like that, and laugh about it" and she began to cry. I just held her hand, cried with her, and told her that it is just hair and will grow back, but it takes some time to come to terms with that and for now, just cry. It is a grieving process. I don't know how to tell ppl  exactly how it is when they have asked. There is something way down deep that breaks and stays broken for a while. Then, if you let Him, the Lord begins to piece something beautiful in you. He doesn't repair, he makes new. It is hard to feel "beautiful" when I look in the mirror. Outwardly there are scars, "puffiness" from the steroids, and baldness. Not to mention your skin tone changes. I don't know about you, but this isn't exactly how I would picture celebrating or feeling for the year I turned the big 30, but that is what happened. Ironically I have the second to the last tx on my 31st b-day. *(we're hoping for a better year- just sayin) Inwardly, however, there is an inner peace that has sprung forth and has allowed me to see the God is indeed doing something wonderful, yes- even beautiful. I no longer fret about the outward b/c you truly have no control and it is so very, very temporal. Not saying you disregard excercise, diet, or just general care of yourself, for in the words of Tom Harmon: "if the barn needs painting, paint it!" We are not validated by what we see in the mirror. The mirror and other ppl's opinions didn't form us. God did, and he makes no mistakes. YOU and I are made in HIS image and when he was done creating us He said that it was very good. I don't know about you, but I need to hear that. Recognizing what the Lord of Creation thinks of me, has changed my whole perspective on myself and self-esteem going thru this. I don't understand a lot of things but have found that it is best to just fall to my knees in surrender, and worship the God who gives, takes, restores, heals, loves, cares and brings us back. He is God- that's just the way it is.

As for the mouse- he too was created....for God's humor. I H.A.T.E them! There was one that Aaron saw run into the garage and he cannot seem to "find" it. I am in denial that it went any further than that......hoping that he saw the light and accepted defeat before I had to put the smack down and get ugly with him/her. I am sure God laughs at the personality change that instantly comes over me. I am not a yeller but for some reason I am convinced that mice will give up easily if you scream and holler at the top of your lungs while standing on a chair holding your weapon of choice. Just sayin. I will keep you informed if necessary and maybe post a picture......or not. I won't give him any more attention than he needs. =)

Have a great day blog readers, and remember.......God is really, really big and he ALWAYS finishes the work he started.

Settling in....

Hello! After an unsuccessful week of updating my blog...I am finally able to log on. They had been under construction for most of this week apparently.

Yes, we are moved. Many have asked, "are you settled in?" and yes, we are. We have some small projects here and there that are little by little getting done. Ok, a lot of little projects, but hey, you have to have something keeping you busy, right?

We love our new place. We are enjoying being outside as the weather warms and of course I LOVE mowing the lawn.  I know- crazy, right? I guess that is some more of my OCD. LOL!

This week has brought us so many wonderful things. Cade Graduated Preschool. He was so proud of himself. We had the final party at his school this morning. It was great! Bounce house, tunnels and hotdogs. What fun! T-ball is coming along. We have yet to get to a game. You know what happened with his one game, but three have been canceled and we had to miss for his graduation. Oh well. One of these days I will have a pic or two of his game for you.

I have FOUR more weeks of chemo and I am done!!!! So very excited. Radiation begins about 3-4 weeks after that. I am contemplating throwing in one of the many surgeries during that down time so that I can start getting some normalcy back into my life! LOL! Life will never be "normal" again, but a new norm. Yesterday it had appeared that my transmission was going out on my Mariner.....and as I was sitting in the auto shop waiting for a ride I just thought, "you know, it doesn't matter. Not any of it. The car will get fixed, paid for and on the road again, but it is OK. No worries. It is, what it is. Life is GOOD." It caused me to think that yes, my life has changed in many ways, and in this way- it is very good. This normally would have stressed me out. For a time it did, and then I instantly thought that I am thankful for the extra down time to sit with Cade in the auto shop and play silly games and realize that life is precious.

While at the grocery store Cade told the cashier that I had a wig on, much to my embarrasment....when they looked at me crazy-like, I just told them a little of my story. It ended up being so good and funny b/c...
I have come to realize that "you know when you are a breast cancer survivor"....when the people you are talking to begin doing their own self-exams while you are talking to them. Awkward.

Aaron is nearing the end of his semester. We are all ready for a break. He has done a tremendous job of holding down his grades, homework and moving on top of all the extra he has had to do for me. He has earned the man of the year award in my opinion!

Cade turned 5 this week. Where does the time go? I can seriously remember having an emotional conversation w/ myself, thinking of him getting ready to go to school......when he was like 5 day old. My mom was with me helping me out and told me to get a grip. I did and it seems like I woke up and he is really now 5 years old. The hilarious thing he said when he woke up was: " mom, I feel just like I did when I was 4- like yesterday!"

Settling in? Yes. We never will just "settle" though.........not when there is so much life to live. Life IS good. A different perspective has made it just that much better. =)

The last few weeks in Pictures.....

Here is Cade with his preschool class....aren't they just adorable?

Below are some of my favorites from T-ball. I have to say.....he had to miss his first game tonight b/c of the way he was talking to me and to others....it is tough being 5. The worst part for him is he is going to have to tell his coach why he had to let the team down. The middle pic is identical to the face he gave me when I told him this......

All grown  up and ready for preschool graduation....

And me. Yes, I actually have hair. Not the long flowing, luxurious type....but some serious resistance when I stand in the wind. =) Ha!

 I have been asked this many times...."what color is it?" It is PLATINUM BLONDE! Oh, my goodness! I don't think I could dye it this bright....it almost looks grey.

And finally some sneak peaks inside the house....