Finding Normal...

I've been on a quest of finding my normal again.

Nothing has remained the same except my name. That may be a slight exaggeration, but not far from the truth.

Do you ever have those moments where you just want everything to be "normal" again? Funny thing is, when I think back to the times that I refer to as normal, they weren't that "normal" when I was in them.

I just got off the phone literally bawling with my mom. I want my normal back.

Like yesterday, let alone almost three years ago.

Every scar reminds me of where I've been and good things that God is doing. But I'm frustrated with some seemingly impossible barriers that have fallen in this path.

Let me just re-emphasize if I haven't already, that I HATE the side effects of treatment. Every person has a choice. For me I chose life, and with it, some pretty ugly meds. They run the gamut with side effects. Any and probably all have happened.

Time and time again I revisit this same exact spot of "sickandtiredofit".

I cry. Pray. Read scripture. Talk to people. Get angry. Cuss. Write. Blog. Cry some more.

Most of the time I get crazy looks, and remarks that go something like: "You have your life and now the rest of your life ahead of you....whats the big deal?" "You're treatment is over, its time to move on."

Recently a friend of mine broke her cell phone. She has been without it over a week now. She has forgotten appointments that were on the calendar. There is no reminder to keep important dates. Where am I going with this?

Life works well with a cell phone. You can keep everything in the palm of your hand. Snug in your pocket you can have your routine at your fingertips.

Our lives our much the same way. We get into routine and only when we are dumped out of it do we realize that we never had that much control anyway.

It wasn't my friends fault that her phone broke. It wasn't my fault that I got cancer. We can play the should-a-would-a-could-a game all day long and the end result is the same. Her phone is broke. Her normal is off.
I got cancer, and my normal is off...forever.  Understanding goes a lot further when we walk in anothers shoes, rather than with suggestions in words.

There aren't words to fix it.

Sometimes the best way to fix things is to let them be broken a while.
In this season of rest, I'm learning that I am still broken. Still growing. Still seeing the Goodness of the Lord in the Land of the Living.

But it hurts y'all.

Big time.

This new mama is keeping busy these days. Cade, Libbi, and yes, my goats. AND now I have some ducks. You can't have a pond without some ducks!

Keep the faith.

I promise, I'll keep trying too.

If you see my normal out there somewhere, send it my way. Until then, I'm starting fresh. Clean.
Living this dream with my life in front of me, one minute at a time....

Taking heart...

Good morning!

Well, actually another rainy day here. We are officially "removed" from the drought ban that has been on us for quite some time! Yeah!

A recap-

Cade is doing great. He continues to love school and is growing like crazy. Literally. He now has feet as big as my own, and his hands are almost the same size as mine. Where has the time flown to? My precious little baby boy of 8lbs is now a growing boy soon to be out of size 8 clothing. *sigh* He has grown up overnight. Especially since we have had Libbi. He is such a gem!

Speaking of Libs, she too is enjoying great health and growth. At almost 3 months old she now weighs 15 lbs, has continued to sleep through the night since we brought her home. She rolls over, smiles and coos. I love each stage they go through. Her favorite things are mommy and her bottle. She is a doll!

Aaron is still serving as pastor for our church. He is doing a great job. I'm so proud of him and the growth I've seen take place for all of us. Such a great sense of humor and dedication to all he does. What a guy!

As for myself, I am enjoying remission still! PTL!!! Had an appointment last week and all is stable and clear. What a relief! My writing, reading and hobbies have taken a slight hiatus for a bit as vacations happen, school is drawing to a quick close, and obligations have set in.

Each day is a gift. For all of us. My book is still in editing, yet would ask you to pray for my mom's dear friend Sherry and business partner. She is battling cancer for the second time and things are not as we had hoped. There is so much more I could fill you in on and will if time permits. So many things I  have been learning. Exciting opportunities. New changes. All of life is changing. A bit at a time, sort of like our Spring this year.

Don't lose hope. This season WILL come. It will have it's time and end, and then another new season will begin. It is right. Fitting. Just as it was created. And so it is with our lives.  I'm learning to cling to him as Cade grows up. Hold on to Him for wisdom concerning being a pastors wife. Strap myself to His chest as I learn to raise my children in the wisdom of the Lord, walk beside friends as they fight for life, love people as I should love and live my life through each season as I've been entrusted with to do. It is hard. I'm struggling, but find my salvation in His hands and in this verse:


"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." Ps. 27:13-14

Much love,

Erin