Spread your wings....and leap in faith.....

As I sit here writing, Aaron is downstairs vaccuming, and Cade is fast asleep after a long week of school. Yes, he vaccums. He is definitely a keeper- however we have had "attack of the flies" at our house, coupled with the fact that for some reason  when we were removing some extra pipes, we discovered one was "drippy" and it didn't stop until we had a small flood. Thankfully, this took place in the basement close to a drain, and now 5 days of running the fan and dehumidifier, we are dried enough to put the carpet back to rights again in the downstairs. Our remodel of the basement does not begin until December....so we are just getting by.

The last two words put me in mind of something I heard a woman say yesterday at the store. She ran into an old friend, and before you think I was eavesdropping, (which I was) they stopped right in front of me and got in my check out line together...so I just had to listen in. What else was I supposed to do? I had already read the tabloids. Before I had gotten to the counter, I had to wait, and wait and wait.....you get the picture. I had, once again, gotten in line at Walmart with out looking at the cashier. Now don't judge me too harshly....because if you lived around here you have probably gotten her too. She is the sweetest thing, but bless her heart she reads every card you buy and cries! After she collects herself and wipes her nose with the Kleenex (w/o using GermX- SUPER GROSS) she then asks what isle you found a particular cleaner in and then stops her job to write it down so she can go shopping later. It probably wouldn't be so bad if you didn't have to go to two other stops, and have Ms. Ina Hurry behind you breathing down your neck and sending you killer looks because you bought the cleaner that held up the line in the first place.

Anyhow, the two ladies were still trying to release their bags from Mrs. Havin' A. Goodcry, when they turned and told her to have a good day. She responed with, "thanks, I am trying....just trying to get by."
I have no idea what was going on in her life, and it was clear the women didn't know her either. They had the same woman behind them that was behind me. She was invading all our personal spaces with just her frowny face. But for a complete stranger to say that to another fellow stranger struck me as odd. So much in those two little words.

They hit pretty close to home for me as well because I have my re-staging tests coming up on Monday. 7am. Talk about invading your personal space and breathing down your neck. I feel like I have been holding my breath for months now. Waiting, and waiting....just like I was doing in Walmart. When people ask, I tell them the truth...I am doing well. But yet I could say the same as the cashier- "thanks, I am trying....just trying to get by," until this day-Monday- when I know if all I have gone thru has been a success or failure. Waiting, praying and waiting some more....it is all another step of faith. I truly believe it is gone and that the Lord is leading me out of this valley. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. There is  the new and exciting stuff ahead, right alongside new and scary-looking-kind-a-funish stuff too. If you think of me, please pray for me. Pray for wisdom and for faith to be made sight. God is so very good. I need these "tests" of faith that urge me to my knees so I can quit just "trying to get by" and really learn spread my wings and fly. It is what we pray for right?

Before I forget...thank you in advance for your prayers. I see the Dr. on Sept. 8th. Whew!
Oh, and by the way....if you are shopping in E.S. Walmart- stay out of Lane 6 on Thursdays, and the Self-check out lanes on Saturdays.....or better yet....go visit her. You never know, that may be the day she decides to spread her wings and leap in faith.

This is the day....

I made it.
With the Lord's incredible strength, love, tender mercies, and guidance- I finished  cancer treatment. I am SO incredibly thankful. Thankful for each and every one of you praying for me, encouraging me, strengthening me, carrying not only me- but my family as well. Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of our hearts. You all have blessed us more than you will ever know.

From here, of course I will always covet your prayers. 100%....I can't do this with out prayer. None of us can. We simply are incapable of doing anything on our own. I will be taking a pill for about 5 years and of course keeping up with blood work, etc. every 3 months for the next several. I have re-staging tests coming up the 29th of this month. Other than that, I will begin the baby steps to putting my life back together, one piece at a time, with a grateful heart.

Yesterday Cade came home with another song on his heart. He loves the chapel time at school. He was singing "I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart," along with "This is the Day," all afternoon. It is amazing to me the faith that a child has. Let me share with you what happened this morning.......

We had a bad storm last night and Cade came into our room and crawled into bed with us. This is a rare thing for him to do b/c he is normally a deep sleeper. Well, after about 3 hours of him kicking and hogging the bed, Aaron got up and took him back to his own room. When we were on the way to school this morning, I asked Cade how his night went. He said that he slept good, but that he talked with Jesus.
"What?" I asked, "you talked to Jesus?"
"Yes, mom. After you said prayers with me I started getting scared again about having ghosts in my room and so I did what you told me to do and I prayed that Jesus would help me not be afraid. Thats when he answered me."
"Well, what did he say?"
"He told me that he would take care of all the ghosts and that I was to get a good nights sleep for school in the morning."
"Wow, buddy. That is awesome."
"Mom, I asked Jesus about you as well and he said he was taking care of you and me during this time. It is going to be ok."

By now my heart was beating fast and I certainly was having doubts as to whether or not he really heard from the Lord, all at the same time confessing to Him for not having childlike faith.
When I questioned Cade about it some more, he was like, "mooommm! Did you hear me the first time? That is exactly what he said." I felt properly chastised by a 5 year old. First for doubting, and then for questioning. What a huge life lesson here. Before we pulled into school he said, "mom, Jesus said that He gave us this house we are in as a blessing and he wants us to be blessed by it. He told me we would be here a while and we wouldn't be moving anywhere for a long time." Now I KNOW there is NO possible way that he could have made that part up. I am getting chills again just writing this.

I told Cade that he needed to treasure these things in his heart and remember them always. He told me that he had already told Jesus he would and that he had tube that ran from his brain to his heart to store things. He said, "mom, after Jesus and I quit talking I wasn't afraid anymore and I did what he told me to do and went right to sleep."

What a timely encouragement for me today. Today of all days, my son tells me these things. I am taking his advice and storing them away in my heart to bolster my faith, encourage myself and others, and proclaiming that yes, this is (indeed) the day that the Lord has made. Every day is. It is our job to choose whether or not we are going to rejoice in it.

More than we knew.........

I know.......two in one day! I told you I would be writing more...So you have been officially warned! =)

We have been settling in to our new routine for two whole days now. *smile* Cade LOVES routine, and I have to say most people thrive on it. I am not a strict schedule type person, but routine is good and flexible. Ours goes something like this:

7:00am up and getting dressed

Breakfast soon after

Devotions

Out the door by 7:45.

From there his day is planned by his teacher and so far he is loving it. First days/impressions are always important. They set the tone for everything else. Those, like most things, can never be changed.

This morning I was reading thru the devotional I have for little boys and it was sharing a story of two brothers who's mom and dad had been in a car accident. They were flying to go stay with their grandparents for a while until their parents recovered. Having heavy hearts and thoughts that were as thick as they clouds they were flying thru allowed them to be sorta sad and wonder why God allowed that to happen. The older one told the younger brother to eat his dinner and that would cheer him up. When food didn't work, he looked out the window just in time to see the clouds part and expose an awesome view of the states they were flying over. He was in awe. His older brother leaned over and said, "See, God is looking out for us and everything is going to be OK. That veiw was there the whole time, we just couldn't see it." It ended with a question about our thoughts and did you have a time in your life where you thought everything was going wrong and wondered how or if it would turn around.

When I read that part aloud, my heart just about stopped when Cade shook his head yes. I asked him to tell me about it and this is what he said:

"Mom, when you found out you had cancer I didn't know what was going to happen. I was really scared. I like to think about Jesus always being with me and looking out for me like those boys. That makes me feel happy."

ME: "How did you feel inside, Cade, when all that was happening?"

CADE: "Mom, it felt like my heart was breaking. You know what? My friend Olivia G. has a necklace that has a broken heart on it and she gave the other half to her best friend. That's what we are, right mom? We will always be best friends.

ME: "How do you feel inside now, buddy?"

CADE: "I feel good now. You are getting better and Jesus told my heart you are going to be OK."

Dealing with this stuff daily made me want to ask him what else the Lord told him. What exactly does "OK" mean...b/c we could be thinking two different things? What else did you tell him, Lord?

As you can imagine, hearing your five year old tell you this, it makes a person stop. My heart was so full and I think it was lodged in my throat b/c I couldn't even swallow. I just looked at him and nodded, blinking really fast.

As we got to school, he ran up to these two little boys and asked them to play and they said no, not with him. Then they turned and asked him to run with them only to let him get far ahead and then turned and ran the other way. I wanted to knock those kids' teeth into next summer, but I just watched. Cade turned around once he got to the other side of the gym and looked at me with such a confused and disappointed look. He ran over and I reminded him that we don't act like that and we certainly don't need friends who treat us like that. I assured him that I loved him and he was just exactly who God had him to be. He gave me a big hug and heaved a huge "sigh", and said "I know mommy, it's ok." He hung his little head and walked over to line up and go to class.

I was thinking about it this morning, and of course I had to shed some tears for him. You never want to watch your kids be hurt by other brats kids. And just as I was praying for him that he could remain pure in heart and mind, innocent and trusting, the Lord brought to mind something else that Cade said just before we left the breakfast table: "Mom, Olivia's necklace is just like you and me.  Just because our hearts got broken doesn't mean God can't put them together again, does it? Even though we both have a broken heart, if you put them together it makes a whole one."

I have wondered just how all of this was affecting Cade. How much did he understand? Process? It is times like this morning that I am humbled and realize that Jesus is right here watching out for us so much more than we knew.....

He's growing up.......

"There is a first time for everything." If I had a dime for every time I have heard that phrase this year I could be rich.....

Yesterday was the first day of Kindergarten, not just for Cade but for all of us. Aaron decided he would be a "rock".....but he sent me about 8 text messages wanting to know the play by play! There's a loving daddy for you! I wasn't going to cry until he looked a little scared and turned those big blue eyes on me....then I just started crying. He was so funny- he says, "mom, it is OK. I can't stay young forever." I love that little boy! He is wiser than his years.

Here is my little peanut getting ready to head out the door. I love how his backpack is bigger than him and his face is saying..."seriously mom, another picture?"

Saying goodbye to his mama. *tears* He was so proud to be a big boy and go with all the other big kids. I told him how much I love watching him grow up and celebrating all his firsts with him. Yes, this is the hard part about being a mom. One minute you cannot wait for them to be born, and the next you are wishing for a night that you can sleep the whole way thru. Next thing you know, you are waving goodbye as they make their way into Kindergarten, wishing with everything that you can just go back and hold them as a baby just one more time and make time stand still for just a second longer. Where does the time go? Wasn't it yesterday that I was holding him and thinking that I had 5 years before this day came? Here comes that "reality", barging in like an unwanted guest. Yes, he is growing up........and at the same time I LOVE it! He is starting to come into his own and developing into the person God has him to be.  I am proud to be his mama and love him more with each day! Yes, he is growing up......and for right now- I am learning to be OK with that. *sigh* =)

Small stuff.....

As most of you know...I have talked often about Black Humor. The kind of humor where most people just shake their head and think you're nuts! Yes, some of you know what I am talking about......I am almost believing that everyone has it....but it takes the right circumstances to bring it out. Who knows?

Yesterday morning I was running late. Perhaps it had something to do with the fact that I had to drive over and wake up my babysitter....not sure, but either way I was not going to be on time. No worries. If there is something I have realized lately, don't sweat the small stuff and this totally classified as "small" in comparison to most people's problems. So, I just did the best I could without speeding (for Erik H. and Jimmy M.) =)

I was getting ready to get out of the car and it begins to POUR down rain. The kind that is sorta blinding. "Small" stuff happening here, so I press on into the hospital drenched, and in flip flops only to wipe-out in the foyer. Believe me when I say that there is NO possible way to fall with grace. It was a total yard sale. I did what any normal person would do, or at least I have been told, and exercised my self control long enough to pick up my stuff, get up off the floor, and walk down the hall to radiation. And then I just lost it and cracked up laughing! A suppressed laugh comes out with the force of a locomotive and it sounds just as attractive. I was able to get it together and be treated. They had a LONG wait yesterday as well so that helped pull it together! =)

My last visit with Dr. C was yesterday. I have to still see the girls until Friday, but was I ever so glad to shake his hand and thank him for all of his awesome help and care! Teresa, Darla, Liberty, Paula, and Julie have done a remarkable job and once again I was blessed to meet amazing people who do such a difficult job with love and care. Makes people like "Sue", "Ed", myself, and countless of other people so thankful that they do what they do.

Aaron's family had a surprise visit from his sister. He and Mark have a half sister that they have never met, at least as adults. I believe they may have met each other when Aaron was VERY small, but he has no recollection. Out of the blue she called, mere hours away, and asked to see us. I'll be honest, it wasn't as awkward as I thought but still a little strange. How do you talk about 25-30 years of stuff with out things being a little on the uncomfortable side. Cade came to the rescue and broke the ice by asking embarrassing questions straight out of the gate. Humility paves the way for more than we realize.

Yes, there is never a dull moment in the Shafer Household. I heard a great analogy this week. Someone mentioned that there are several people in this world who appear to have a life similar to a lush green pasture with a beautifully manicured fence line, while others have what looks like the broken down, mountainous and rocky pasture that someone staked with a "no trespassing" sign for safety, and with carefully hung used tires to create a barrier of sorts. Somehow, you don't really get to choose which "land" you will possess. Regardless of the circumstances, both are of great worth and value and require work of different kinds to "maintain." It is visibly obvious in the one pasture to see the time and strength it takes to maintain, the courage to defend, support, fix, etc. Yet, hidden within the rocky and difficult trails of the mountain-like pasture land are treasures untold. To expose the natural beauty of both depends on the heart of the owner, their ability to persevere, and their diligence in overcoming the small stuff......one step at at time.

Bad Day.....

Today was officially classified as a "bad day." To some, this may be nothing. For me....I was simply just trying to breathe and count the minutes to where I could be alone and scream, cry, and yes...have a "moment." Sound crazy? You bet it was....it feels like that every time it happens. Only, you never know when it is going to happen.

7:20am. My radiation oncologist calls and the machine is down. That is OK except for the fact that my whole day is interrupted b/c they don't want me to skip so I am placed "on call" so as soon as it is fixed I can just hurry in and be treated and go on my way. *sigh* and another one....*sigh*

While sitting in the cancer center across the hall from the Radiation Clinic, I am waiting for a port flush. Most of the time it is in and out for these....and since I had carefully rearranged my day, I didn't have time to spare. So, after waiting for 1 hour just to get to a chair and having the receptionist break down b/c her daughter is having family problems, I was a little on edge. My schedule was messed up, my nerves were about shot and the gal who did my port flush poked me HARD in the shoulder, all the while discussing the fact that they were seeing some patient for the SECOND time b/c cancer had come back. Don't get me wrong. It isn't that I don't care for people, but when your "bad day" comes, everything just seems like TOO MUCH.

I just wanted to go home. Go to bed, close my eyes and pretend for just this second that this is really not my life, but just a bad dream. I cry all the way home, frustrated and mad at cancer, not just for me but for everyone who has it. As soon as I am home I get a call....yes- it is the Radiation Clinic- their machine is up again and it is time for me to come in. I sure hope it is "fixed"...don't want any mistakes on that bad boy....makes me nervous just thinking about it. *sigh*

While waiting for my turn I meet "Sue", stage 3 breast cancer patient who is struggling with the inability to grow hair. She asks me about my hair and I tell her mine is like a "CHIA Pet", you just add water and it grows. We laugh some more about anything other than cancer and then it is time for my treatment. Everything goes well, and while walking back to my locker I run into my buddy "Ed" who looks like Papa Smurf. Seriously. He is end stage Prostate Cancer, doing radiation just to ease the pain. The hollow look in his eyes is difficult to see. But I look b/c I know the loneliness that comes with having cancer. I don't blame people- I probably wouldn't deal with it either if I didn't have to. My heart breaks for "Ed". The stories he could tell me about his life. I don't want him to feel alone during this time. I smile and wish him a good day. He and I are modeling the same attractive gown....you know, the kind that feel like a starched sheet, smell like bleach and burned rubber, and tie in 17 different places and still leave you feeling like you are playing peek-a-boo with the world. Yes, they are H.O.T.!

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful....but left me feeling tired. Depressed, you might ask? No, just sad today. Frustrated by Statistics, numbers and cancer.
I know....it is heavy. I simply hate it sometimes. These days are aweful to say the least. I don't like thinking about all of this stuff....but for those of you who have asked....yes- I have bad days. Today was one of them....but like "Annie" says, "When I'm stuck with a day that's gray and lonely, I just stick out my chin and grin and say, Oh.....the sun will come out tomorrow, so you 'gotta hang on till tomorrow......tomorrow, tomorrow I love ya, tomorrow you're only a day away!" Great.....that tune will be stuck there all night! Where that came from, I will never know!

I am thankful for tomorrow....it makes my day seem better already because unless the Lord comes, tomorrow will dawn bright and clear. It will be a whole new, wonderful, and amazing day. *sigh......=)* I am thankful for today....because it makes me grateful for all I have been given. I appreciate you lending me your "ear". It feels better just to have the burden lightened. There is so much to this life....even in the bad days.....

Thinking........

The past few weeks have passed without so much as a blur. It was more like warp speed.
Life does that, doesn't it? Before you know it summer is over and it looks like Crayola exploded in our house with all the school supplies and preparations necessary for the start of the school year. I don't know if you know people like this or not, but I went ahead and bought two of  most of the supplies, b/c how can you resist a brand new box of crayons? Just for school? No, I think we need some for home too! Just the smell of them brings back precious memories of my own and inevitably a coloring competition follows the bright multi-colored box of wax-goodness.

Next week Cade is starting Kindergarten. We have been to the Dr. for the shots, and check-ups. The little stinker purposely failed the hearing test three times b/c he is SO literal. He was told to press the "button" one time if he heard the beeps. So he did. Finally (in a moment of panic) I pulled off the ear muffs and asked him (in a LOUD voice) if he could hear all the beeps....to which he answered, "mom, if she wanted me to push the button after each beep, she needs to tell me that- not assume that I know what to do." Needless to say after clarification, he passed with flying colors.

I have 7 more treatments after today!!!! I will spare you the details, but suffice it to say that towards the end of radiation you are a little discolored (think in the color of sunburn/tan) and you begin to peel (imagine 1-2nd degree burn). I have a port-flush tomorrow. I truly don't miss the constant pokes....oh well. It should be coming out soon. Anyhow, in little over a week I will be FREE from the daily drives and constant demands. I will have new things going, but all or at least most of it at home.

Cade has been struggling with fears. I would laugh at some of the things he comes up with if only they weren't so serious. Reality, at least for most of us, settles like a bad burrito. You get my meaning. We try to treat it much the same way....promising we will not eat Mexican for the next 100 years, only to crave it next week. We love reality TV b/c it shows us what it is like.....and we can- ourselves, start to grasp what it would be like if it were us, from a distance. It is much easier to experience it that way than to actually live it. He has been a champ thru this whole process. I know this past year has filled his little cup to the brim, but when we started talking about school, his little cup just overflowed. It was new, exciting, frightening, and there was the big word again: CHANGE. Yes, it is a close friend to "reality". We are curious, but cautious....often to the point of worry/fear. Hearing about school just made him begin to face some of the stuff in his overflowing cup. How well I know what his little heart is going thru.

I read thru a chapter in a book today by Dr. Lew Sterrett. The book titled, "Life Lessons from a Horse Whisperer" was detailing how a horse was responding to his master while trying to learn a particularly difficult maneuver. The fascinating part was when the author spoke of earning the horses trust by taking him step by step thru everything he is asking him to do....walking with him the whole way, and then "scaring" him away. Amazingly enough, thru the step by step process, the horse learned to obey thru trusting and building faith in his trainer, so that when the trainer made to scare him away, he flinched but his hooves never moved. The purpose of the "scare" tactic was that the master/trainer was testing how deep the trust and faith of the horse went. It was invaluable for him to know b/c he (the trainer) was going to be using the horse to teach and minister to others, but also it was building a relationship that went further than a  pleasure ride thru the countryside. This was a lifetime friendship built on rock solid trust- the component every single relationship in this life needs to survive and thrive thru the hard times. To protect during a battle. To carry on into victory. To lean on in understanding and support. To stand the test of time.

Understanding the reality, change or overflowing cups of life requires us to trust in Jesus. This taught me so much about how fickle I tend to be. I love the pleasure rides b/c they are predictable. You know going into it that you are going to have a fun ride. Change is predictable as well, just not as pleasurable.

By the end of the first chapter of this book, I was in tears b/c the trainer understood the horse. When he first taught the horse to lie down, the horse would resist and hold it's breath. When it finally reached a point of submission and willingly layed his head, body and will down the horse began to groan. The trainer knew some of what the horse had endured b/c of what his owner had told him. Gut wrenching, tear producing groans were and are the same thing that come out of me when I finally quit fighting the Lord and totally surrender in sweet brokenness. Admitting the hurts, disappointments, frustrations, past failures, and hypocrisy don't only define a strong willed horse, but myself as well. Allowing myself to grieve is not only cleansing but freeing as well.

The horse went on to train many, and still is working today....just not as much as time has aged his body but not his heart. The owner gave the horse to the trainer b/c he saw the bond they shared. The friendship that is forged thru the trials of this life are inseparable. The trust that is built, as seen in this example of horse and trainer, can withstand the "scares" of this life. The Bible says that "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." Jn. 8:32 "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." Jn. 8:36
Sweet freedom thru trust in Jesus.........just got me to thinking.........

Loved this and thought I'd share.....

Never Give Up by Marilyn Meberg

I love a “never give up” attitude! When my son Jeff, at the age of three, was desperately trying to learn the art of tying his own shoes, I tried to encourage him by saying he had time to learn; there was no rush. Once I learned Tommy Dinkerdoodle (I’ve learned I’m supposed to change the names of people to whom I refer) could tie his shoes without even muttering to himself, I then understood Jeff’s intensity.

One morning when the shoe tying effort was especially unrewarding, I thought I’d inspire Jeff with the words of Winston Churchill spoken during some of England’s darkest days during WWII. (I know…I know. Sometimes during my early mothering phase I found myself talking for my own edification.) “Jeff honey…when it looked as if England would be defeated by the Nazi soldiers marching across Europe and heading for London, Winston Churchill addressed the people and shouted, ‘Never give up…never, never, never!’.”
Taken back by my dramatic outburst, Jeff walked into the kitchen and asked if he could maybe have a piece of toast. I decided it would be good if we both had a piece of toast.

Hours later I passed Jeff’s room; he was sitting on the floor once again struggling with his shoe laces. He was muttering over and over, “Never get up…never…never…never.” The inspirational words were incorrect but his spirit of determination ultimately paid off. He lives in California; I live in Texas. I have yet to fly there to help him tie his shoelaces.

Those of us well-schooled in biblical promises know the words of Philippians 4:13. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (NKJ) But sometimes I wonder if I truly have an accurate interpretation of that verse. Sometimes I’m not sovereignly designed to “do all things”; sometimes I need to trust whatever God intends for me to learn when I don’t succeed. “I can do all things” may mean I will be strengthened as I live through an experience I did not expect or choose. With God’s enablement I can do it. I need to listen carefully to what God may be teaching me, even when I don’t achieve my goal!