Good morning!

I sit with my coffee in hand. Inhaling the carmel machiatto aroma that permeates the early morning hours.

As I sit, I'm listening. Pondering the actions of recent days. My own and more often than not- those of others. As the morning dawns I am filled with wonder at the creation of this beautiful and yet scandelous world.

Yes, it was a deliberate action that THE Lord took to bring this into being. Much like the actions of an individual who took things out of being. Sandy Hook. Tears fall as I think about it. Oh how I wish I could be there to comfort those who mourn. I would sit. Hug. Hold. Cry. What more could I do? Nothing. Nada.

What grief they bear. Sadness. A heaviness that reminds us this world is not our home. This beautiful created world that grows darker by the day. Where the silver lining is more and more difficult to see as the very days we live in dim in the light of eternity. Oh, what a day that will be! A day where there will be no more sorrow. The parents hearts will be healed. Whole. All things broken will be made new. His word tells us SOON.

This holiday season has been the hardest one yet. Ambiguous feelings. I have cried, fought, and dealt with my anger over many things. My self-esteem, at an inch tall is at an all time high for the recent years. Not much, but oh the precious miles that have been traveled to get to this point. I am thankful. So much so, that I can hardly breathe at times.

Today is my last visit with my plastic surgeon except for my yearly rechecks. I was released earlier this week from my Radiation Oncologists care. Yes, I am getting better. I am finally getting to say goodbye to several doctors. At least from the monthly basis, now to a managable yearly visit.

As I read Isaiah 52-56, I found some nuggets of truth that lifted my head. I hope they do the same to yours!
Here is my shorthand version:

Wake up! And free yourselves from the chains that hold you captive that are wrapped around your neck! You have beautiful feet who tell the good news of the gospel. Proclaiming peace and good tidings! Yes, OUR GOD REIGNS!

SING. Worship.

Come away from the things that set you back. From any sin that holds you fast. God...He is our rear guard.

He too was disfigured. Beyond human recognition. But it is He who will reach the nations. He was rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. (Oh, how we need such a tender, personal, "knowing" God.)

SING. And Worship!

Those who do not, cannot have children. Sing! Open wide your doors. He has use for you!!! A purpose. The HOLY One Of Israel is your Redeemer.

Oh how this world needs a Savior. He can relate. He IS the silver lining that this world needs. It is not of our own strength. He is the God who knows the "WHY?" The Emmanuel that holds those that mourn. The Prince of Peace that defends and acts as a rear guard. Our Redeemer.

The twinkling lights seem to dance in the early hours of morning. Almost as if they hold a secret. They do. We can know it too. When we fall on our knees and hear the voice of the One who is calling. Come, let us adore Him. Worship Him. The elders and the angels are singing it night and day. Around His throne. Christmas time is almost like a glimpse of what it is like as the world sings.

Nothing shakes Him from His throne. He alone is worthy. Yes, He is coming back. For now, that is all we need to know. It is like a constant waiting for Christmas morning. That gift that no one can guess, but that we will all adore.

Being the last page of a book sort of reader I will tell you this....HE WINS.

May this holiday season restore in you the HOPE of glory. Yes...OUR GOD REIGNS. Even now, He stands ready. Patient. Not wanting anyone to perish. But all to see that indeed this baby wrapped in a manger is the hope-the silver lining- for this world.

Remember, Return, Behold....

We are loving the 60's all this week. Just about perfect weather! Marshmallow and Hotdog roasts over open fires and the smell of the wood smoke in the air just shouts of falls arrival. We have finally embraced the fall-like weather after a dry and long summer of heat.

Fall is another one of my favorite times of year. This year I ordered multiple trees. Hopefully they will arrive prior to our leaving next week for our Thanksgiving plans, but such is life. They will live. I hope. =)
I went with fruit trees. The type that usually do really well around our area. Apple, Pears, Peaches, a grape vine, and a Kiwi. How fun! I think there was a cherry tree as well, but we'll see. My short term memory is on a leash this morning...

I sat last week and last evening with a family in the hospital ICU waiting room. Their loved one is passing. So young. So needless. Letting go is never easy. I grieve for them. With them. My heart aches to watch the light from their eyes dim that much more as a part of them comes face to face with the realities of death. Sin. Suffering. This side of Eden. I was reminded that it was me there also...just two years ago now. Not in quite the same way, but facing the same things. Struggle. Heartache. Disappointment.

As I cried myself to sleep last night I realized that as I fought day after day thru cancer, I had high hopes that at some point when "all this passed" that I could just throw it over my shoulder as if I was done. Hoping that all the bad would go and the good would stay. It didn't and left me disappointed, but even more Thankful this year.

Joining in a study on Marriage last evening at chruch, I was caught off guard each time we read scripture with the words like "remember", "return", "behold". All three doing something of action. Sometimes forced. My daily reading was no different. Over and over, I kept looking for the one thing I thought the scriptures were saying, encouraging, telling them to look at. And then I closed my eyes and I started to remember.

That was it. The word REMEMBER. For me. For them. Perhaps for you. REMEMBER. RETURN. BEHOLD.

As I put up my Christmas tree, I stopped. Cade was at school. Aaron at work. I paused as I took a deep breath and I remembered the exact place I put my tree two years ago. What I wore, what I was listening to, and the smell. Kind of smothered out Cinnamon. Glitter. Dust. Memories. Thoughts. The fragile ornaments. The manger. And it happened again....REMEMBER...sort of like a whisper this time, but clear. RETURN. BEHOLD.

My tree is full of butterflies. Many of you so graciously gave to me and mine a butterfly memory and we have turned our 9ft wonder into a garden of beauty with the winged reminders. Memories returning. Preparing to celebrate His glory as we behold another year of His birthday.

Again this morning I paused. Looking outside over the fields. I smelled our stinky goat Captain Patrick and smiled. Who in the world would have thought? Goats? Me??? Things sure have changed here on Walton's Mountain! (LOL @ R)

Thanksgiving is around the corner. Food, family, visiting, traveling, laughter, music, shopping. Oh the fun to be had! Yes, as early as I have my tree up, I have NOT forgotten Thanksgiving. Regardless if it becomes a forgotten holiday, in our household it will be celebrated as a prelude to Christmas. Perfect for our hearts preparation for worship. Thankfulness seems to always preceed a miracle. Not always what we expect. But heaven reaching our hearts as only He can.

This year my tethered memory is Thankful. Recalling every blessing I wanted to leave you with a few:

My family.
Time.
Healing.
Beauty.
Friends.
And most of all, Emmanuel- God with us. Always. Unchanging. Unshakable.

As I REMEMBER, RETURN and BEHOLD, My heart overflows....

Bits and Pieces...

Halloween is over and all that is left of it is our rotting pumpkin out on our front doorstep and the fake candy bits and pieces that have attached themselves to the bottom of Cade's bucket. (gross) We have attachment issues here...=) When you are six, letting go is hard to do....whether it is the pumpkin you worked so hard on or the last of the candy you walked and walked to get, that stuff is hard to part with.

We have had a wonderful couple of weeks!

We are gearing up to go to MS this Thanksgiving. We are SUPER excited to see our CA relatives and meet these wonderful guys that married my fabulous cousins! PLUS our entire family will be together. Each child of G'ma's along with their kids and spouses and children. Yes, that is ALL of us. YEAH!!!!! Life is so precious. I realized that when we were down there two years ago. We weren't all together, but I will let you in on a little secret...knowing that we had plans to ALL get together for 2012 kept me going through some dark times. Tears come just thinking of it. I love my family with a passion. I hate what Cancer has done to my body, but I LOVE what it has shown me about those I love. Yes, I am thankful this year. Oh so thankful.

Here is what we have been up to:

-Cade has 4 loose teeth. Attachment issues there as well, but we are working through it. Soon he will have no choice! =) He will add some teeth to his Christmas List this year.

-Aaron is doing a FABULOUS job at our church. We miss our old church dearly and love them so much, but are thankful that we have become established here and are starting to see more and more growth.

-I have finished the first leg of my book. It is now with the editors and I await revisions.

-My favorite pair of pants completely ripped out last week while I was trying to see what was out bothering my goat friends late one night. Aaron was in the truck providing security and lights while I checked each one. Out of nowhere this guy (who ended up being our neighbor) pops up out of the bush behind me and asks me if I have seen his horse. My embarrassment was complete when his mom came out in their truck through the field and turned her lights on as well. The said pants were past their prime and had to go. I'll let it pass that he mentioned me and his horse in the same sentence and just stick to the pants...never wear ripped pants anywhere. There is just no modest way out.....

-My restrictions are finally off! WOOOHOOO!!!! Lord willing this will be the last of them. I can finally find a normal and stick to it without another long and drawn out thing looming in my future.

-I completely blew off an appointment with my Radiation Onc. When  you have 6 Dr's you see on a fairly regular basis, that is easy to do. They just laughed...but guess what? It has already been ONE YEAR since I have seen  him last! *Fist pump*

-I have a job! Yes, a real job. I am no longer at the welcome window at school, but I come in later that day for 3 hours and teach PE. I loved it! Yesterday was my first day and let me tell you, I believe the kids are praying their old teacher returns! I had a total of 8 crying for various reasons and the oldest group were laid out on the floor waiting for dismissal. LOL! Perhaps from their perspective it wasn't so great, but I LOVED the kids. They were hysterical! I recieved an additional workout as well. 3 hours worth. When they ran, I ran. When they sat, I sat. The only thing I didn't help them with was team builders. They were great!

-Aaron's dad is recovering from Pneumonia. He was in the hospital for a week and we have seen him improve a bit since being home. It is difficult to see him like this. He is miserable, and there isn't a thing we can do for him. If you think about it, would you pray for him? He is coming up on his 6th yr anniversary of his stroke. This is always a bittersweet time for our family, but God is good. He has given us much. We look forward to celebrate another year! Praise You Jesus for being our Emmanuel...God with us!

I hope this finds you well. I know that this is just bits and pieces. I will have more to write soon. I have turned in my lesson plans for Nov. My worship team schedule and set lists are completed for Nov, and the schedule is done for the year. *sigh* Being a pastors wife is different, but good. Hard work, but so fulfilling. We are looking into the life of Jonah in our womens bible study. Taking just 6 verses at a time and trusting the Lord to reveal to us life lessons that will allow us to navigate the troubled waters of our life.

He will.

Always.

I promise....even when all we have to give Him,

Is the bits and pieces....

Tuesday Tidings....

The office is buzzing with busy workers...preparing for Grandparents day. Decorations, food, waters, napkins, table clothes, and each detail is getting crossed off the "to do" list.

I had the opportunity to pray with the "Mom's In Prayer" group that just started here at the school. Mrs. Secretary was kind enough to let me go. What a blessing. I had been involved in one last year, but this year I was helping out at the school on Tuesdays and therefore unable to continue since that was the continuing on the same day, different town.

Tomorrow I will be heading for my tests. They were coming up and due a while ago. It is always uncomfortable to start at a new office. Thankfully I have the same physician. As I visited with my Dr. it was a great reminder to me of what God is doing. It is so often too easy to distract myself away from things I dislike, or things I don't want to think about right now. This is one of them. Each time testing comes around I am learning something new. Sometimes I just get plain tired of that, you know? New this, New that....
I would appreciate your prayers as I have an ultrasound on my Right underarm for a "something" that no one knows what it is, but they are not concerned over. I just asked that we do some testing to check it out. Sleep is good people....I don't want to lose mine! =)

Yesterday we bid farewell to our loving church family at LBC. Remember my moaning about New this and New that? Well, there is more of it here too! Loving the free fall of loving the Lord, but uncomfortable with the changes and the unknown. The out of place feelings that invariably come with such change.

God is good and with each changing season both physically and spiritually, we can see that God is everywhere, and still in control of everything. Thank you Lord. The trees? Yes, they are changing. Sort of like the flowers and colors of spring only higher up and able to share all that the Lord has been working in them thru the drought, storms, and now the changes. He is faithful. And He will be with us.

At Last.....

Tuesday at the window is awesome as usual. NO tardies so far...My little world in this ten foot squared-windowed room is rolling along well.

I have mentioned and mentioned big changes. Well, today I get to share...

As of October 14th Aaron will be the pastor of a Bible Church in our town. Whew! It's out. Off my chest! *sigh*
We have kept quiet about this for a number of reasons, namely because we didn't want it to get out that we were "looking" for something. We were NOT.  This opportunity came out of no where. The Lord sort of dumped the apple cart over- so to speak and after seeking counsel, many prayer filled (sleepless) nights, we realized that two years ago we had laid our yes on the table to serve the Lord. Aaron started seminary, and we stayed open to what the Lord would do. So, how could we say no? Unless of course we knew He was closing the door for us, but He didn't and now we are going and are very excited. Peaceful. Open.

We are sad too.

We LOVE our church. We LOVE our friends there and we LOVE the ministries we are involved in. It is painful in many ways, but obedience is never easy, nor is it easily understood by others. Aaron has been the worship leader for 20 years, myself for 8 at our home church. This is not just some "easy" button decision. Oh I wish it were!!! I will be the worship leader. Hopefully recruiting more than just me to form a team.

We have felt the love and support from many. And we Thank you! Your prayers for continued support would be coveted. We love you guys.

Now you could see why having two foster kids would be overwhelming! I can see it now too! =)

Believe me, during the question and answer time we tried to be as honest and forthright as possible. I did however forget to mention that I like ketchup on my eggs and believe it should be its own food group. I hope they don't mind. I don't think it is a salvation issue unless there are ketchup haters, but that is the Lords to judge. No one should hate. Just saying.

As for the questions about being equipped? Good one! Life has been our greatest teacher. We are relying heavily on the quote we heard one time that "He doesn't call the equipped. He equips the called." 

Our hearts are heavy as this week we will say goodbye to our home church, but at the same time are rejoicing in the blessing of serving still. Being used and hopefully strengthened in Jesus.

Take care for now...I will be writing again soon. Hopefully a little more once my book is done on my end. (End of Oct. is my deadline) Life with the Lord is a wild ride. I am learning to just throw my hands up and enjoy the ride at last....Even if there are some Ketchup haters out there.

Wednesday ponderings....

We are doing well. I am resting. Sore, yet this time was a breeze compared to the last. Almost forget I had surgery- "almost". Tomorrow is my one week check up. Woohoo!

Whew! Seems like so much has happened since our last visit. And there has been much. Too much to fit in this blog so you'll just have to check back in sometime soon! =) At present, we are finishing up our "goat shed" for my girls. LOL! It is a riot and something we enjoy doing! I mainly hand Aaron the tools and keep the "silence level" to a minimum. I know he appreciates it!

Cade is doing well with Soccer and School. Loves them both, but would rather read than kick a soccer ball. Such is life. I have decided I will not push him. He will love what he loves because that is what the Lord made him to do. He is developing quite the sense of humor. A couple of weeks ago he began asking questions about false teeth. (?) I made the mistake of sharing a story about one of my grandmothers when I was growing up and now he thinks it is hysterical to retell. (I am truly sorry G'ma). It is a rather funny story, but to have him tell it, well he takes the cake! He gets that from his father..."ahem".

Speaking of Aaron, he has had so much happening in his life right now. Recently we were asked about taking on two foster kiddos. 3 years old and 6 months. We made the decision today not to do this based on the bulk of what we have going on (more later). It would be too much. There would be mounds of paperwork to bring us out of retirement from the state system, classes to bring everything up to date and there would be a strong possibility of them having to return home. I just don't think this little heart of mine could take that. I was sad, disappointed, but not willing to dishonor my man in this. He is the head and I respect him for it. Its a big job. I would probably have 16 children, no home and a heap of trouble if I would let myself decide things. Just because I have a heart the size of Texas doesn't mean I have to neglect what the Lord tells me to do, and in this case it was to listen. So we continue to listen and learn. I am choosing to be content in that. In today and all we have.

The rains keep coming around here. Making up for the loss during the summer. I LOVE this time of year. Beauty and color everywhere! Almost like a party.

My day today is filled with paying bills, dishes, laundry, writing, reading and study. I know, it's pretty exciting stuff, but I can handle it. ;)

Devotions this morning were on listening. (Go figure!) When Jesus cried out from the cross "It is finished!" the temple curtain that once separated us from Christ was torn in two. Allowing us to bypass a mediator and stand in the presence of The Most High King; you and I speaking to royalty and you know what? He hears. And when He talks to us He asks us to listen. He doesn't command. He asks. Calls. This is a spiritual discipline that I am learning and working through. To listen to His voice.

My blog catch-up day was yesterday, but somehow it was missed in the shuffle of lunch menus and Ibuprofen.

It was good to chat, but my work calls me on. And with my newly typed admission, I must do as I said above... and listen.

Mustard Seed Faith

I sit here this morning at peace.

My coffee still giving off its good morning goodness that I have come to depend on. We're old friends. Decaf or not....I have no enemies where coffee is concerned.

Bills paid, laundry done, house cleaned from top to bottom, dishwasher going, my man off to work and it's 3:39am as I write this. I woke up at 1am unable to go back to sleep. My pre-surgery routine has begun with my powerhouse energy.

Isn't it funny how just yesterday started off so differently?

In short, I slept through my workout alarm, awoke to my workout buddy pounding on my door checking on me...it was a first and hopefully no repeats. However, she took pity on me (or was terrified by my morning "Medusa" looking hair) and told me to go back to bed. I promptly obeyed only to oversleep my back up alarm, waking up Cade and I for school. We had minutes to get ready and I had yet to put out my girls (goats), shower, and wake up my boy. Wow. Did I mention it was my turn to drive carpool?

Whoever thought jeans and heels were a good idea would have had second thoughts after seeing me yesterday. I filled in for the secretary at the school until noon. Stairs, heels, plus me is not a good combo. Suffice it to say that my sore pride ankle allowed some movement and I made it through the cough drops, band aids, Tums, phone calls and tardy slips. Mrs. Simmons...You deserve a medal AND a vacation.

After stopping off and picking up my new Scentsy pot (LOVE) I stopped in to see some sweet friends and their darling little baby. What a blessing to hold such innocence! Her soft little downy cheeks were like seeing the tender side of God in the flesh.

On the ground level of the hospital, I was almost to the door when I decided to stop in and see my nurse/hero friends at the cancer center. I am so glad I did. Those ladies continue to bless me even today...So thankful.

Three different times today I was approached about adoption. Had we? Were we? What are we? I don't know. However, after my day today, I was once again reminded to live in the moment of today. Embracing all that I  have right in front of me. If & when the Lord decides to give me another child to fill my arms, I am honored to care for His. Each and every person I saw today is precious, loved and totally cherished by the Lord. His children....needing that tender loving care, hug, listening ear, shoulder to cry on, arms to lift them up. What a blessing to be called to such a purpose. I am honored and humbled, Lord. Truly.

While mowing in the late evening hours, I had exactly 45 min to pray and think about the day. 45 min to race the neighbor guy mowing his yard. I knew he would want me to win. 45 min of uninterrupted time to feel the cold in the air, smell the gas tinged aroma mixed with the fresh green all around me.

Yes, I am at peace.

Nervous about tomorrow? Yes, but at peace.

This is a milestone for me. A big one. No one told me it would be almost two years later that I would approach the end of what has been a beautifully scandalous journey.

My heart beats stronger.

My faith has been tested and tried. Yielded and growing.

My body is healing.

My soul has found its rest beside the still waters of peace. Beyond my understanding my Shepherd stands close by. Watching and waiting. Loving and protecting. He has plans for this girl. Not sure (exactly) everything He has, but learning to enjoy the little of this and that...that He blesses me with every day.

Lord, may I be found worthy.

Thank you in advance for your thoughts and prayers. Surgery is at 7:30am. My surgeon is Dr. "H". I will be resting a bit. Much less than previous surgeries. My 6th and LAST of the last two years....and hopefully for my life as the Lord moves me forward.

Yes, this girl will be resting and enjoying it, for when she wakes, she will be ready to move mountains. Offering up everything I have with my mustard seed faith....in Jesus.

HELLO!!!!

Yes, I am here.

Writing.

Working.

Cleaning.

Changing.

What a crazy couple of months this has been. I will be able to fill you in on it some more as time goes on, but suffice it to say change is in the air.

I LOVE fall. I love the change that the cooler season brings. I doubt I will see much color this year as the years worth of sap was probably already withdrawn for the time of hibernation, occurring much earlier due to the drought. But fall is upon us...ready or not!

Cade began Soccer so Saturdays are usually filled with games and weeks are flowing over with practice. Let's just say that he play a "supportive" role. He has his moms sense of fun and his dads carefree attitude. You get my meaning.

Aaron and I are doing great. He is busy at FORD, working some overtime. Doing some pulpit supply as a preacher. He is loving it. I had my remission check up and long story short, I am going to see my oncologist in a couple of weeks. Nothing to alarm anybody with, but as you recall he was transitioning to another office. While this took place it was decided that I just see his old partner. Well, they didn't think it was necessary to do any blood test or scans because I "didn't feel sick". I didn't feel sick when I had cancer, either. So I called him and he would like to keep up our old routine of things so I will see him and then he will be able to schedule his normal tests. Will keep you updated on that! Prayers are always and so very much appreciated!!! I love you guys for your care of my family! Goodness! My estrogen is flaring this morning.....

I am busy writing. As many know, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. We celebrate recovery, remission, the fighters and the fallen. It is an emotional time. I see the pink and I remember. I notice the hairless women, and I recall just what it was like. I read through my journal as I write and write and write and it all comes back. But, as I write I think of the countless women this could help it keeps me writing. Praying. And Thankful. Your prayers would be most appreciated as I continue this project!

Below are a few shots from our past couple of months weeks.

                            
                                                 From VBS....My good friend Raelene and I.

                                                 My little munchkin going off to his first day of 1st grade!!

                             
                        Cade and Captain Patrick...He is our three little billy goat. He gets the Patrick part from Sponge Bob...and Aaron thought he looked like Captain Morgan. Don't ask how he knows! =)

                                                     

I know you are totally loving my green garden crocs, but look at the cracks in the ground. They were ALL over the yard. Seriously, a person could lose their children if they get much bigger! =)

Love to all!

My Cup Overflows....

My Heart overflows this morning...

I look out on the freshly watered lawn and I breathe. A deep full breath of the clean, rainwashed air. Fresh. New. Alive.

Everything looks greener. Happier. Is it my imagination or do the birds sing just that much sweeter a song-like melody?

Nothing starts a day off right like a bird song. Echoing my own heart as I wake up my family for a new day. Correction....I wake up Cade for the new day. My man has to get me up each morning to face the day. But, if I am up then I am running! =)

The day begins after a weekend of what some are calling "rain". Whatever it is called, I am thankful.

Our goats are doing great. We are working on a shelter for them as well as a pen.

Cade is loving school. How can it seem like only yesterday when I felt his warm little body for the first time and introduced myself as his mama? Hard to imagine what those big blue-green eyes were thinking when they first laid eyes on the world. After breakfast this morning, Cade asked me to dance. So we did. Ballroom. Jazz. Rock and Roll. Hip Hop. Line Dance. We did it all. As he hopped into my friends car to drive off to school, that sweet cherub-like face looked out through the window and waved goodbye. He is off to a world of learning in the first grade. Off to one more day of tasting and seeing that the Lord is good.

It starts with me. Oh how heavy that feels at times, but also so good. I have been learning that it isn't in the trying of things, it is in the doing. The trying often side tracks me because it at times implies the temporary. I desire for what I teach Him in Jesus to be permanent. Lasting.

I love that little boy.

I don't brag enough about my man. He is one of a kind. The one in a million that I am blessed to do life with. He works hard, plays hard and loves life. He supports me when my one ounce of estrogen flares. He loves Cade into submission. He wants to start a support group for men whose wives love Pinterest. He often fills in for Sunday School teachers. Besides leading worship at church, he has been diligently working away at getting a degree in Church Ministry, one class at a time in Seminary. Yes, his plate is full, but rarely complains.

I love that man.

Each and every day I am reminded. I am thankful for life. I love living. I recently saw a picture of me without hair and it literally made me cry. Yes, the one ounce of Estrogen lives. Viva La Estrogen. I embrace this new change of life. It is difficult. Painful at times. But I am learning to roll with it. Not looking back unless it is to move forward. Looking forward makes me discontent in today. So I am leaning to float. To relax in the pools of today. The blessings flood my soul as I look around me.

The Greening grass.

The dew soaked deck.

The singing birds.

The smell of the barnyard.

The taste of happiness in the dance with my little boy and in the warm embrace of my man as he goes off to work.

Yes, this heart overflows.

Psalm 23 has become so precious to me. I have begun to see the life, adventure, guidance, protection, warrior side of God as He draws me near with His staff and fends off the enemy with His rod. Oh how I love my Jesus. He is restoring this soul. Piece by broken piece and mending it for His glory and purpose. At times I don't know what to write....here or in my book.

There is so much, but no words at times.

Mountain Highs and Valleys Low.

"My Cup Overflows...."

For today...that is enough.

Laughter, Tears, and Goats

School has started and is in full force. This year brings some changes for us. Namely Cade is in a combined class of 1st and 2nd Graders. I am excited as he will be learning along other children who are obviously learning in an older grade, but as he is now in the same classroom, he will have the opportunity to not get bored...LOL.

If you think it is impossible for that little man to get bored, think again! Over the past few weeks of summer he has managed to cut up his pillow case thinking that it would be "no big deal" for me to get on Pinterest to re-work it back into a pillow case.

More recently he found a can of blue spray paint that to him appeared "bored" so he spray painted the cat.

Good grief! I need a nap just thinking about it!

This year I am volunteering at the school one morning a week for a couple of hours. (where I am at now) I work at the welcome window taking lunch money, answering phones, taking messages, writing out tardy/absentee slips, etc. Then I fill in the rest of the down time doing projects from home or helping with other things that come up. So far it has been fun. I love doing secretarial stuff!

I cannot believe Cade is in 1st Grade. (Tears) It seems just like yesterday that he was way too small to even think about going to school. Now he promptly gives me a peck on the cheek if "no other kids are around" and skips on his way. Wow! Time is so precious because they grow so fast. He is such a great kid...even if he spray paints animals.

I mentioned earlier that we had goats. We do. We HAVE four now. We have been building a shelter for them for the winter and are getting close to completing that. Next will be the fence. For now, they are chained to a brick, or tree and have done a marvelous job of eating anything and everything in sight. I've told you I love to mow the lawn, it is no wonder why I took to goats so quickly! =)

I meet with my plastic surgeon again today. Should find out when my last surgery is scheduled! (fist pump- can you tell I live with boys?) My Oncologist moved practices, so in the meantime as he relocates I am filling in with a partner of his. Much fear and trepidation there with that, but the Lord will work it out. I will rejoin with him when he is established.

Much has happened since we have last "talked"...exciting things! I am working diligently on my book. I am getting close...but as with any project it is important to do them well. SO, I will take whatever time I need to do that.

No word on the adoption things. Silence is golden only when you want to hear it audibly quiet down around you. I am learning great patience and listening in this area. He is good and knows.

Have to run, but wanted to catch up a bit. We'll talk again soon. Until then, blessings!

Love me some family time.

Nothing like late nights and early mornings, chatting with the fam, swimming in the kiddie pool and swatting pesky flies and mosquitos.

Not sure how the time flies so quickly, but I am THANKFUL for the time that we have had!!!

Adam came in last night. It is so wonderful to see him. Just over a year since last time...

Cade enjoyed VBS at my sisters church while we were here earlier this week, and he and I took a little trip to Ohio to visit with some great friends from college. Megan and Mark have three adorable little boys who welcomed Cade and even declared BFF status. I love the summertime friends and bonds that once formed are inseperable by distance.

Today is full of visiting at a wedding reception and possibly a fireside visit with the siblings. Great memories and shared laughs are just a few of my favorite things.

So glad I have a couple more days.

Alison and I have yet to go car shopping; mom and I have plans for cleaning out the garage; Sarah and I are going to get the kiddos together for a play date, and some other bits and pieces left to tie up.

It has been wonderful for me to be here. Sort of like a fresh breath of air. A much needed respite. Don't know why, but thankful all the same. Everyday I've had time to sit and just think. And even NOT think. Just being still. A discipline I am still mastering.

While driving to OH, Cade noticed the Amish. I admire their simplicity, and diligence with which most of them work. After a while, he speaks up from the back seat..."Hey mom, let's play I SPY AN AMISH GUY". Seriously had to laugh over that one.

I must go for now. Looking forward to posting pictures of the purse Megan and I made while at her house; the pictures of the boys we took while at a park; and those of family while we are here.

See you later for now!

Beautiful Day

It is such a beautiful day in Michigan.

What a blessed relief from the heat of Missouri.

Cade and I came up to get some more visiting and work done at moms. I love being here and seeing the green, the new life regenerated after a season of dormancy....much the way I am feeling at the moment.

Each season has it's blessings if we wait, but there in lies my problem.....the waiting.

In this fast food society it is much easier to have the resources ready and waiting along with our order so that things can go as easy and quickly as possible. Well, at least we think along along those lines! =)

Today we are heading to the movies, swimming in the kiddie pool set up in my parents back yard, listening to the news and happenings, and feeling the cool weather on my skin. Nothing speaks of peace like the five senses being engaged in something new, yet old...it is all in how I look at it.

My mind seems to ramble this morning. Overflowing with thankfulness, burdened with heaviness for friends, thoughtful in prayer, humbled by His grace all wrapped up in my fight against fears that seems to be daily lately.

I appreciate your prayers in this for me. God is good, the victory is won, but the battle is fierce right now.

Prior to leaving, my flowers needed constant attention. It was and IS touch and go with the landscaping I so carefully worked at. Next summer will be telling. I had mentioned in an earlier blog, that I love sitting on my rocking chairs out on my front porch. I also mentioned my love of flowers.

One morning as I was giving TLC to my petaled friends, I noticed that a dog had....well there is no easy way of putting it...expelled some "waste" in one of my planters. Game on. Time to pull out the broom and wait. As you can imagine, this northern turned southern girl sat with my coffee in hand, broom propped against the porch wall, rocking back and forth in wait for my four legged nemesis.

I didn't wait long. The hilarious part was as soon as he saw me... he fled. I mean FLEW away from me. Needing the exercise, I ran after him. He will think twice before entering my yard again. Especiallly to leave a little puppy surprise in my front planter.

Is it a big deal? No. Just a momentary irritation that as I write it out has me laughing at how rediculous this sounds. I hope you find the same enjoyment out of it, and believe me...no animal was harmed or will be harmed.  =)

It has taken me some time to think some things through. Much has been on my heart.
Family. Book. Cade. School. Church. Family. Friends. Fears. Family. You see the pattern. Much of this I cannot write about, at least now, but that is OK.

In taking the time needed to think on these things I have determined that I neede a new attitude. One of thankfulness because I was letting everything around me "get to me". You know what I mean? It is difficult to be negative when adopting an attitude of gratitude. It moves me from thinking about how I would LIKE things to be, to being thankful for the way things ARE. Living in the moment. Fast food, without the hurry.

Like the dormant flowers that need the constant care in the drought, it is the same for my heart needing the daily streams of refreshing for this dry and thirsty soul. My attitude allowes me to face the day or reject it. Both affects those around me, but also my relationship with the Lord. Embracing the now just made me realize....what a beautiful day.

Vacation Pictures!

At last and as promised....Vacation pictures! Looking over these makes me want to take another one,

yet life must go on after vacation! =)

We were just getting started...

Tradition in our family always includes the 4th of July Parade in Schoolcraft.

We were not disappointed.

I was too excited to get any good shots, but here are two that I did get as we waited.

There is just something about the stars and stripes. It warms my heart to see the honor given to the hero's both past and present, and to those that gave the ultimate sacrifice as the young and old, with hats off, begin to clap as they proudly walk by carrying these colors before them.

Is she not just the cutest thing ever???? She was a friend of Alison's and she sat on my lap almost the whole time. What a sweetie!!!! I could seriously take two of these! =)

Little sweetie has an adorable sister too...she came along with us as Cade's buddy when we went to the air zoo.

With the weather topping 100+, we felt a trip to South Haven was just the thing needed. Made us forget that we were in Michigan during this heat and not at home.

It gave us the feel of Mexico...well, almost anyway.

All good things must come to an end....so with our car loaded up, what clean cloths we had left-put on, we took off for home, sweet home!

Before I forget...Aaron wanted these two in here as well...

A wonderful friend of ours gave us some AWESOME seats at the Royals game. We

took the game in just before we left for Michigan. So fun to have a date with my Farmer Boy!

With that being said...stay tuned...and I will tell you about "my" three goats...=)

For real.



Questions and Answers....

Good Evening!

We just returned from a "newcomers" dinner at Church. A time where some of the oldies, meet with the newbies. It was a fun and relaxing evening filled with good laughs, some icebreaker games and of course food...Super Nacho's to be exact! (A personal favorite!)

The Laundry is finished and the week will end with some baking and even some canning. God is GOOD, you know it?

This past month, I have been asked by people I ran into, by letter/card, and even phone calls regarding our plans for adoption. It is something that I have been open talking about, and even wrote a little bit before, but with several questions that were asked, it was clear that perhaps shedding a little more light on the subject would help explain it a bit better.

In short, we feel called to adopt. However, until this point it was always something we felt like we HAD to do. Being a redemptive Lord, we have recently been realizing that it goes beyond just expanding your family. It reaches to the other people involved as well.

In 2006, we made plans to adopt from Korea, only to have plans change as soon as our homestudy was finished due to a crashing economy. In 2007 we signed up and became foster/adoptive parents only to have plans change again, but this time we had the blessing of having 5 children through our home, such sweet memories we have. In early 2010 we signed on with Catholic Charities. Once our homestudy with them was complete we were matched with a little girl the same day that I was diagnosed. BUMMER. (another change of plans) Or was it?

Sprinkled in each of these three transitions, we have had our share of private adoption situations come up and fall through, again for various circumstances....not one the same.

With hind sight being 20/20 I have come to see that it appears that our "yes" needs to be on the table, and our hearts need to be open; we need to be ready in and out of season even in this. The re-telling of this sounds like a broken record, but each time I hear it, I find another secret from the Lord. Something deeper than just what it appears to be.

HE is teaching me patience and sometimes He uses the things that will get our complete and total attention to refocus our complete and total devotion.

Through each disappointment I am learning that He has a plan and whether or not what I want comes to pass, I will choose to still love Him and trust because He is the only constant.

As I began working through this in my life, I talked to and heard from women all over the U.S. who each had a redemptive story. Some that included their own adoption stories and others that had given children up for adoption. Healing was taking place right in the middle of my own "need/want" of a family. Pretty soon I began to see a larger picture than my toilet paper roll view. Their stories encouraged me. Blessed me. Strengthened me. And humbled me.

We still plan to adopt, but more importantly I think the Lord was after our hearts motivation and readjusting our "big picture" view with one of His own. He understands adopting...He does that to each of us. He understands the ups and downs and the decisions people make on a daily basis. He alone could write a book about disappointments. And He has.

Currently we remain on a waiting list with Catholic Charities until we adopt with them or another situation arises; or perhaps the Lord calls us in a different direction. Our story doesn't make sense even to us sometimes, but it doesn't have to. We just have to be faithful. Obedient. It is what makes life interesting. A whole lot of questions, but not a lot of answers.

Life... is a wild ride.

Good evening!
Since we last talked I celebrated my 32nd birthday (woo hooo!) and my one year REMISSION birthday as well. They are 8 days apart. My heart overflows as I re-read that sentence.

Websters Dictionary defines remission as this: "the act or process of remitting." To Remit: "to send back; to give relief from; to cancel; to restore to a former status or condition....." Ahh....such a precious gift.

I spent the past week as a cook/kitchen assitant at Kids Camp. The once a year event where our church association gathers and puts on a week of fun, food, and festivities for kids ranging in age from 3rd grade to 6th. There is a Mini Hoppers camp for those younger than that, offered to the workers who have smaller ones.

Cade had a blast. Aaron did as well. He went as a cabin leader. Tracy, Laurie, Rachelle, and Theresa were my partners. Side by side, hour after hour, we laughed and enjoyed each other tremendously. I have never seen so much food in my life, and have never fried so much hamburger either. I look forward to next year already, but will leave the ordering of potatoes to someone else.... (Ssshhhush-it Linda)

An interesting thing happened.

I was dreading the week because it was blood work and results week on top of camp. I was thinking of only myself and the comfort that I would probably recieve out here among 155 people whether good or bad news, and honestly, I just wanted to hide. From what, I am not sure, but that is the closest thing I can think of to defining the feeling. And here, in the middle of nowhere (literally) is a woman (who I knew b/c her husband was in treatment with me) to remind me of exactly what I didn't want to remember. And yet, despite my selfishness and poor attitude, the Lord used that week, and that experience to encourage "A" and to remind her of what her husband is experiencing. Life. Remission.

We were both celebrating but in two totally different ways.

One in life.

Another in death physically, but life eternally where we have yet to experience.

It left me speechless. Humbled. Thankful. And envious all at the same time.

Since I was into definitions, I checked on the word "Restore".

It means: "To give back; to put or bring back into existence or use..."

-to give back (something that was taken)
-to bring back into existence (new life and new purpose breathed into me)
-use...(yes, each one of us has a plan mapped out, including where we have been and where we are going.)

It is late as I finish this. Many interruptions have occured. As my heartbeat pulses a steady rhythm, my mind overflows with prayer requests. My emotions threaten within to overflow, yet I am determined to hold my ground. I am tired of hearing "bad" news and once again, I am threatened by the attractive thought of "hiding".

If God is into the restoring business (which He is) it is time to begin anew.

Yes, it is time to breath in and give back. To start over. Or perhaps to begin as if it is the very first time.

1000 Gifts....

I love to read.

If I am honest, which I try to always be, I love the sappy happy ending kind of books. You know, the love stories, the feel good inspirationals and historicals, and the real life biography's...if they have a happy ending. Like all good stories, you need a good plot. Something to keep the readers interest.

Every book I read is always a good one, because BEFORE I read it, I like to look at the last chapter and read through the ending. I know, I know....I get that sort of reaction all the time. I can handle it. =)

Do you know my favorite story? My own........

8 years ago today, I married my best friend.

Though I couldn't see the last chapter, I knew then like I know now- it is going to be incredible!

Looking back our lives have included (but not limited by or to -just these few photo's).

There has been an incredible story wrapped up in this.

One of redemption, and one of Joy...

Look at that little cutie! Don't you just want to eat him up???

Ecclesiastes tells us that there is a time for everything.

"A time to give birth....Uproot....Plant...heal....weep....build up....laugh....dance...embrace....let go....keep....throw away...silence....speaking....searching...to mourn..." Ecc. 3:1-8

There is a time for everything under the sun.

"Just as you do not know the path of the wind and how bones are formed in the womb of the pregnant woman, so you do not know the activity of God who makes all things...Sow your seed in the morning and do not be idle in the evening, for you do not know whether morning or evening sowing will suceed, or whether both of them alike will be good...Indeed, if a man should live many years, let him rejoice in them all, and let him remember the days of darkness....Ecc. 11:5,6,8

We mourned the stroke that took so much from Aaron's dad, but rejoice that he is still with us and through this we are able to see many examples of leadership, Godliness, and that by serving one another we can truly become free.

We built our dream home....and sold it a couple years later.

We moved...and them moved again. Only to be moved soul deep into greener pastures with the Lord.

We embraced these two...and had to let them go...

Only to be knit back together with their family two short years later....

They have been the worst of times...

And yet, the best of times....

Ecc. 7:13 "Consider the work of God, For who is able to straighten what He has bent?"

"For I have taken all this to my heart and explain it that...(everything we do and all that happens to us) is in the hands of God." Ecc. 9:1

All of our endings with Jesus, are always Happy.

If I could do it all over again, I would.

In many ways, Aaron has been my photographer through these pictures. He has held me up and allowed the Lord to work through me, because he made the decision to trust the Lord when he was 8 years old. And that decision to trust laid the firm foundation to trust Him again in this life, looking through the Lens of the Father.

When I see this picture (which hangs on our living room wall), I have such bittersweet emotions.

This was one month before learning of my cancer. However much I love this, I would never go back because I could have this picture, but never know what deadly disease I could still be sick with.

So, I choose to see the beauty in it. The wisdom of gray hair; the smiles that have "knowing" in them. The covenant relationship that it represents. The crown of glory that the Lord has replanted on my head since this was taken.

Yes, we have experienced much under the Sun.

Like many of you.

We have tasted and seen that the Lord is good.

We had heard of the Lord, but now our eyes have truly SEEN Him.

He has given us His wisdom and His camera lens with which we are learning to focus...and to leave you with one more thought:

"A man's wisdom illumines him and causes his stern face to beam." Ecc. 8:1b

Within these 8 beautiful years lay more than 1000 gifts.

I look forward to counting the 1000's more.

Yes, we are still smiling.

And, in a sense we are acting out this same picture today.

We are taking our seats and buckling up,

because the best is yet to come...

Tune My Heart.....Part 2

The end of this month marks a significant time for me. It was when I finished Chemo. One year in remission.
*sigh* of thankfulness.

Many of you know of our journey with trying to adopt. To save you a long story, to this point of our lives it has been unsuccessful. Cade is our little miracle baby and we are so very thankful.

I have come to appreciate many people in my life that have such a strength in them. Those women who like us all have the echo of eternity in their hearts, yet wait on the Lord as their God given roles as mothers goes unanswed. Empty arms cry desperately to be filled.

I am not an expert, nor have I ever experienced even half of what they have, yet I have had dreams go unfulfilled that I believed were from the Lord. I have often found myself asking, begging, pleading with Jesus to answer my hearts cry, especially in this area.

It is no mystery that I would love to have another. We were once again preparing to adopt a little girl. The nursery was complete, clothes bought, lawyer on hold, but the mother was uncomfortable with my medical history and chose another couple to parent their child. We found out about a week ago.

To say that I was disappointed would be correct, but remember the touch?

The Lord has taught me that nothing in this world can make me less of a woman. No Mastectomy. No Hysterectomy. No certain number of children. No amount of friends. No lack of estrogen and No barrenness of womb....NOTHING can make any of us less than a woman.

Do you know what?

I have NEVER felt more feminine than I do right now, having experienced all of the above.

To say that this lifted head has found a new purpose would be an understatement. We were made for more than just what this world offers. Though our arms are empty, and dreams seem lost: HOPE has come in the form of this.....A little baby, who saved the world. Who looks at us with love and sees our barrenness of soul and responds by honoring us who long for a child, with a child of His own. One that has the power to fill our hearts and save our soul.

My perspective needed to change. I was looking down and He lifted my head. He had to teach me. Sort of like tuning an instrument. It takes time, accuracy and pressure, but what is brought forth is perfect melody in perfect pitch. (I am hoping...)

I had to learn to laugh again like Sarah.
I had to learn to sing again like Hannah.

I know that now Mother's day has past, but as we were encouraged yesterday in church...comfort the motherless, the childless, the mother's in your life. Honor each one as is appropriate. Because where ever they are at in their walk through this life, they are changing the world. They are carrying out their God given destinies. They were made for more than just a day and a title. They were made with eternity in their hearts and are teaching us much about faithfulness, love, trust and hope. May that day serve, from this day on, to remind us to tune our own hearts to sing His praise.

However the sheet music is written.

Tune my heart.....Part 1

Call me crazy, but there is something quite healing in getting your hands dirty and planting new and beautiful things. The same shock they experience the first few days/weeks is quite like my own as I reflect on the past year.

About 4 weeks ago I began planting plants. Almost on the verge of obsession. I dislike starting something and leaving it unfinished. Last year we left the front landscaping bare after we poured time, sweat and money into redoing the whole thing. New cedar logs, black paper, river rock....
One year later I am back at it and with a vengence. I am not your typical planter. Symetry has its place, but in my garden you will find a blend of the unique, the great, the small, but beautiful, each and every one. After much $ and consternation from my man, I am finished with the front and on to the the back. I love the fact that homes have four sides. =)

Much like the shock the plants go through, they (like their gardener) need the tender loving care daily from their master. Water, support, or fertilizer...He knows exactly what is needed to pull them through. Sometimes I am convinced whether plant or person, we sometimes just need the blessed touch of Jesus. The simple lifting up of a head bowed down.

This week was one of the busiest weeks I have had in a while. Though I am healthy and getting stronger every day, I will admit that this last week found me taking lots of naps. Sleeping late when I could and often going back to bed after my dear friend Melissa picked the kiddos up for school. I used to be ashamed of such habits in my life, but I have learned that to be the best mama I can be, is to take the time to listen to my body. "Getting stronger" doesn't mean that I am "There" yet. But I am on my way...and any one knows that when you are strength training, it is often the best not to power through the pain or the tiredness. To avoid injury, one must rest.

During this week I noticed something. I didn't want to deal with the shock factor that had come into my life from being transparent and being transplanted. I needed that tender touch.

-My writing deadline was coming up.
-Cade's birthday was fast approaching.
-T-ball was in full swing.
-And mother's day was here again.

I found myself visiting with a friend, and while driving in her car towards a shopping center, we drove past the Imaging Center for Women where I had been diagnosed. Instantly my mouth opened and tears began to fall unchecked as memories, painful ones that I had never visited, came flowing out.

...I remember walking across that parking lot, the nurse holding my films. I didn't even want to touch them. They were changing my life in a way that I never wanted. I thought to myself "this cannot be happening". I cried against the steering wheel of Aarons truck for 10 minutes. It was the kind of crying that leaves you hoarse and you never made a sound. The prayers unspoken, being interpreted by the Spirit as only He can.
   Calling Aaron and asking him to meet me before his class started.
   Calling and telling my parents that they suspected cancer and tests would soon follow.
   My best friend being out of town, I called her and hearing her grief as she tried to be strong for me telling me she loved me and that things were going to be ok. Hearing the faith she tried to put into her words as she was choking over her own grief for me.
   Feeling so alone, but at the same time feeling safe....

My sweet friend...while driving, just listened. I am sure I had her worried! =)

Everywhere I looked last week I saw new life. Flowers, babies, expectant mothers. And right along with those memories the Lord touched a tender spot in my heart and began transplanting my old thoughts and replacing them with new ones. Remember the tender touch that was needed for this bowed head? He came, and He lifted me.

To be continued....

My Boys....

Guess what we did this weekend?

We were able to spend the weekend visiting with two precious little guys....Ru and Rafe...now Zayne and Micah.

It has been over 2 1/2 years since they lived with us and their changes are amazing. They are growing so fast and we are so blessed to be able to be in their lives to watch them grow and support them throughout their lives. Amazing isn't it? Never thought I would see that day, but they were adopted by two wonderful people who allowed it, and we are so very thankful.

                               

                                              That was then....and this is now....

                                                   Aren't they the cutest little things????