Fly Strong.....

I get such a kick out of reading other people's blogs. Most of the time I am full of shame for not posting more pics, simply because that means that I have NOT taken pictures, etc. and it seems like time just keeps flying by! Guilty mom speaking here....

It is so much fun to hear all of what goes on in others' lives. Whether it is nothing or something, it is fun to see how the Lord is providing so much for people.....including finances, paint jobs, children, health, an employment opportunity, vacations, etc. The list could go on and on and on....and it is so exciting!

This week we have had the flu. Rather, Cade has. Why is it that the flu monster only strikes at night? What began at around 3 am didn't quit until 9:30ish the same day. NON-stop. I was exhausted! He was even more so. That was on Sunday, and Aaron stayed home with him so I could go to treatment yesterday. It is often hilarious when I look back on things (I know- black  humor) but you know, even in the worst of it.....I am thankful. Thankful for stepping in diarrhea, then puke and then some more. Gross! My sweet little boy is still not feeling up to par. As I write, we are down on the couch once more, sipping gatorade, and trying to make a headache go away. His little tummy still hurts "just a little" and today we are going to try food. Mom of the year gave him a cheese stick (it was the only thing he asked for all day) and you probably can imagine the rest of the story.....

While at treatment this week the nurse and I were able to talk.They are such a great group of ladies and have an amazing job, one that not many could do. She shared a great many things including heartaches she is going thru. This was all before she even took my BP. I knew it must be weighing on her. I wish that I could have had some awesome words for her, etc. but you know, I was able to listen and just let her talk. It felt great. St. Francis of Assissi once said, "Preach the gospel, use words if necessary." I have always loved that quote and have begun to see the rich value and blessing in truly listening to the Holy Spirit. If there are words- speak them. If not- keep silent.

This past weekend we had a Wonderful World Women's Retreat. It was great! Good food, fun and fellowship. I had the "wonderful" privilege of speaking about "where is God when life is hard?" It was so freeing for me to be able to share what was on my heart and yes, I pulled off my wig. It was tearful for many reasons, namely b/c I truly realized that I have nothing to hide nor to be ashamed of. You don't realize some of these feelings creep in on you. It was liberating to share and to reveal all that the Lord is doing in my life and to finally say- "hey, this is the real me....it is what it is, and I am not ashamed." Yes, God is good, even when life is not. He is right here, with us in the bad times because He will NEVER leave.

We closed on our new house this past weekend as well. I know- what more could we have fit in? (I won't mention that I am getting ready for a garage sale, too! =)) I would post before and after pics, but they are rough! I think most of you would wonder just what in the world has happened to our minds! It will be beautiful....and I am sure I will squeeze in a picture or two very soon.

This is just a post full of random that has been going on. Mainly I write these for my mom....=) She says to just write and journal things, even if you don't have anything to say. -Sorry all! =)

We are heading to see Chris Tomlin in concert. Great times!!! I LOVE living in a city full of life and entertainment. There is always something to do and someone to see.

A note of encouragment was passed to me this weekend after I shared. This was from someone I didn't know, but at the end she was saying that she loved the butterfly story. She mentioned that while Lance Armstrong is "LIVE STRONG" she said she could see how God was taking this a step further with the butterfly story. She ended with, "Erin, God has given you a story to tell.......it is not just "chance" that He gave you the butterfly, so.........FLY STRONG." That is my new "motto" if you will. There is so much wrapped up in those two little words. It goes right along with my word of the year- Overcome. Full of hope, promise, joy, and yes reminders of struggle. Where would we be without each and every one of those things?

Thanks for reading my random post of the mundane things in life! OH! And before I forget.........MY HAIR IS JUST STARTING TO GROW BACK! SOOO excited! Yes, it is very blonde. (Just as Aaron predicted when I recently pulled some MAJOR blonde moments) Whether it will stay that way or not, time will tell. But I just had to share. My days of not having to shave my legs are numbered (sorry guys), and you would think I would be sad about that! =) *happiness!* I am hoping I will have hair by summer. My hair used to grow like a chia pets. You add water and it grows at break neck speeds. I have washed my hair multiple times since I have seen "the fuzz." LOL! I will keep you updated...

Have a great day! And don't forget when you see a butterfly to FLY STRONG!

"Do it anyway...."

Have any of you ever said that to your child? It would go something like this......"It doesn't matter if no one else does....you need to do it anyway." It seems that I have found myself in that conversation more times than I would like. As it so often does, I find myself living out the same lessons in my own life. Only it isn't my mom saying those things......it is the Lord. The still, quiet voice. The advice that seems to come out of nowhere, encouraging you to do what you really don't want to do (most of the time- if I'm honest) but after praying and 17 confirmations (well, perhaps only 2) you realize  you need to act. And while thinking about not taking action, you hear a sermon, or another friend tell you something about delayed obedience, etc. You get my meaning- guilt often is the driving force for what we know that we know that we know we are supposed to be doing.
So what is it exactly that I am talking about? Well, after my day yesterday this poem came to mind and I thought I would share it.

Do It Anyway

By Mother Theresa

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;

Suceed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;

Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destory overnight;

Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;

Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;

Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis it is between you and God;

It was never between you and them anyway.



Purpose.....

I went outside today to get Aaron and Cade in for dinner. Cade was at the neighbors house and Aaron was chatting with another neighbor right outside our front door. It was a divine appointment.

Anyhow, "Lisa" begins to tell me a little of herself, her dog, her husband and her recent back surgery.....all in that order. It was really awesome b/c I noticed her looking at my head and I caught a glimpse of my shadow and that was when
I noticed that I had forgotten my wig, but thankfully had a scarf on. (Just didn't want to scare the neighbor kids who have started coming down)

So I said, "Hey I don't mean to make you uncomfortable, but I just realized that you haven't seen me w/o my hair........but I am recovering from breast cancer and going thru treatment. Didn't want to draw attention to it, but I did see you looking and thought I would let you know that I am not contageous! lol"

She laughed with us and as Aaron left the conversation (as she started getting a little detailed w/ some questions) I just began telling her about the Lord and what He has done for me in my life and ended with what He is doing thru this story.  I told her that she is loved just as she is, but with that love we have to realize our sinfulness before a loving Father who is ready and willing to forgive and create something new and beautiful within us. She said that she just didn't deserve it, and I assured her that I didn't either, but that is the beauty of a pure and unselfish love. We recieve something that we don't deserve and out that is a beautiful picture of grace. She asked what that was and I told her that grace was unmerited favor- not getting what we truly deserve, but also getting something we don't deserve in return- that wonderful crazy love and grace. She said, and I quote: "When I talk bad about people, I know that is wrong. I feel guilty about it. When I swear, I feel even worse. Why would He waste His time on me?"  I told her the only thing I could think of. That if He would waste His time on someone like me, then He would do the same for her. We have never in this world seen such an unselfish love like this that it is difficult to believe that it exists. But, it isn't a waste. He sees you full of worth in His eyes and He created you down to the hairs on your head or the lack on mine and He wants you back. Back from a world that has stolen something precious.....His creation. She started sobbing. She asked if she could come again, and could we maybe start walking together. She has a friend ( "L" if you could remember to pray for her) who is struggling w/ breast cancer as well and is very angry.

I got in the house shortly after that and thought......"You were right Lord. I would have never planned that conversation with a neighbor before, or been so open and bold. But it isn't about me. It's all about You. I am humbled you used me and you were right.........there is something wonderful happening in all of this. Your purpose....."

Sick and tired......

Hey all, don't mean to be a stranger. Sometimes I just don't know what to write. Sometimes I truly just get tired of telling you all the same thing- "I am sick and tired of being sick and tired!"

I know. So many of you are in the exact same boat. For that I am truly sorry. It is easy to serve the Lord when our hearts are lightened and our bodies are well. It is quite a different story when our hearts become clouded by sickness and pain. Not that we don't have the desire to be faithful- we certainly do. It is just so hard when the going gets rough.

Today was such a day. I am currently struggling with a Sinus Infection. Seems like such a simple thing but the little booger has knocked me on my backside- literally. I am one step out of the hospital b/c my blood levels have bottomed out. I am unable to take any tylenol due to my liver enzymes being off and the Advil has a bleeding agent that I cannot handle right now. SO, I am sweating it out and struggling with the emotions of once again not being able to do things for myself, let alone- who likes being sick? We are praying my temp stays below 102, or else I will be going in during the night. UGH!!!! Thank you for your prayers in advance.

I talked with my mom today about being angry at times. It just comes out of the blue. I so want a vacation right now. I would love to have hair, and not have to worry about it flying off in the parking lot of a car lot like yesterday. I just doesn't seem fair at times for me to be struggling with this when others can walk w/o stress in their lives. Now, I will stop.
I know that is not true. Each of us has a burden to bear. It doesn't mean that one burden is heavier than the other, but it matters what it feels like to the burden carrier. I so wish I could help each of you with yours. Perhaps watch your children when you just can't do it one more minute. (I have been there) In many of the situations, there is another one of us who has been there. I certainly don't desire to be selfish here, just rambling. There is so much going on in this world, but the one thing that can bring us comfort is the fact that we know how it all ends......He alone is able to bring about much more than we could even fathom. All glory to Him in each of our lives. May we come to a point where we thank Him daily for the struggles we each have.  Otherwise, we would still be the same old.......sick and tired.

My Heart Will Trust.....

Yesterday was the last of my "worst" treatments. Reaching a first milestone- if you will. =)

On the day of treatment, you go in, they access your port and draw some blood, send it to lab and then call the Dr. with the results. This process can take anywhere from an hour to 4, like mine did yesterday.

My liver panel came back out of whack and my tumor marker came back high. Honestly, I do pretty good staying up beat, but as everyone knows you have to have a vent and yesterday mine just let go. I cried and cried and the poor nurses didn't know what to do with me. My friend who went with me painted my nails, read to me and just was there. So thankful for friends like mine who are so giving of their time, etc.

Anyhow, the tumor maker indicates if there is more cancer, etc. So, when I heard this, I just paniced! However, the other test they have run before checking for this same thing has since been phased out. So when you compare the new test with the old, it is sort of like comparing apples and oranges. There really is no way of comparing, etc. The Dr. did not seem the least bit concerned and told the nurses to have me not worry about it. I have questioned and struggled, etc. but I have come to see that in all honesty, you could get all the second opinions in the world, switch Dr.'s until we are blue in the face, but at the end of the day the problem isn't them- it's us.

How many of you would like to place your life in one man's hands? If he makes a mistake (which humans can do) we have someone to blame, but what if it cost's your life? You're angry, shoulda coulda woulda.........yet, isn't this the same thing we do when we say "YES" to the Lord? We place our life in HIS  hands and allow HIM to take control. Sounds super easy, but in truth, isn't that where we struggle? Allowing Him full control? And if He asks more of us than we think that we can handle, we are angry? Maybe it isn't our life in the definition of life and death, but perhaps asking us to do something, or walk thru something that we don't really see the big picture- then that is too much and we give up, Look for alternate sources that make us feel "comfortable" or "safe" whether they are true or not, we just don't want to be inconvenienced or deal with perhaps the deeper issue.......TRUST.

What does it mean to trust? From my limited perspective it means to let go. To surrender, to put my full confidence in the Lord- whom I have never seen, but believe with my whole heart He is there, and that He is real. Am I scared? Terrified. But when I take my emotions out of the picture, the truth that I have known thru reading scripture, praying and even seen working in my life, is not only comforting, but trustworthy. Not from what I have conjured up, but because in whom I trust.....He alone is trustworthy. It isn't about second guessing. It is conforming your thoughts, actions and your words into unison, making a decision to trust with your whole heart. Life is so up and down and NOTHING in it is certain. It simply comes down to this......My heart will trust....will yours?

Black humor strikes again......

Today was a great day! I was able to go out and go walking (my favorite thing to do) with my mother in law. We had such a great time and Cade is big enough that we can go w/o a stroller and he actually keeps pretty good time with his mom who is a little on the slow side these days, but hey- we exercised and had a great time.

I LOVE this time of year. The time when everything is thawing and the little green blades of grass are beginning to push up through all the deadness. I guess this year I totally understand their perseverance that is spelled out in a four letter word: HOPE

As mentioned before I LOVE to laugh. I am beginning to see that the Lord gives us each different gifts and that is one of mine. To see the funny in the mundane and the humorous in the horrible, not in making fun, but in coping. Finding hope in heartache. For me it is like finding a priceless treasure. Heartaches are NOT funny, but sometimes the ridiculous happenings of life just....well, they are!

Since Facebook allows 420 characters, I had to finish this story on here. I kid you not, this one made my day. I haven't laughed this hard in I don't know when. Bear with me once more.........

I was on my way home from walking when I get this phone call from Tennessee. It goes as follows:

-"Erin?"
-"Yes."
-"Just calling to confirm your 2:30pm appointment for laser hair removal on Saturday."
-"Really? Are you sure you have the right Erin?"
-"Yes, Ma'am. You called us on Thursday to schedule for your armpit hair removal and we are just calling to confirm."
-"I am sorry ma'am but I am sure you have the wrong Erin. I don't even have hair at the moment, b/c I am in the middle of Chemo." (insert the laughter as this lady is STILL not getting it)
-"Is your number ###-###-####?"
-"Yes, but I live 7 hours away...(interrupted)"
-"And is your name Erin Markillie?"
-"No, its....(interrupted)"
-"And don't you live on....OH!  (pregnant pause) it's not?"
-"No." (hear her realization beginning to dawn)
-"Oh, I am so sorry."
-"Don't be, you just gave me a great laugh!"
-"Ma'am, I am so sorry, I hope you get better...."
-"No worries, I just don't think I will be able to make my appointment on Sat.!"

I got off the phone and laughed until I cried. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES that an "Erin" would have a HAIR REMOVAL APPT. when I am an "Erin" with NO HAIR. And how in the world would it just so happen to be MY cell phone they called?????.......hahahahahahahhah

I got out of the car and as I looked at the sky I said, "that was a good one, Lord- You got me that time!" And I wasn't even looking for it. I am SO glad that the Lord knows us each so well and that He "gets" my humor. I just never know when black humor will strike again........

PS: This one is going in the "book". =)