Did you know.....?

Today is ICY and yuck! BUT- Happy New Year's Eve everyone!
May this one be your finest year yet!

Yesterday we went for an appt. with the General Surgeon who did my surgery. Wonderful guy that he is, took one of my drains out! PTL it was the one that I could feel and it was getting quite painful. The ironic thing is, when they removed it- I couldn't feel a thing! I will leave it at that b/c it was disgusting!

The numbness/pain that I have will subside some once the nerves calm down but it is permanent. Disappointed, but I can handle that. I sort of knew that going in.

Also, only two of the nine lymph nodes that they took were positive for cancer. this is very good news. He looked at us yesterday and said, "I am shocked! I knew for sure you had at least 5-6 involved, but only two were positive!" Aaron and I just looked at each other and smiled....that has God all over it. I had specifically prayed that He would hold the boundaries of this cancer back to just the one side and the two nodes that I could feel (if there had to be some involved) and if it was anywhere else that He draw it in. I truly believe He did. He came, He answered, and He alone is worthy!

My results showed that it was negative for any aggressive type of cancer. They know what it is sensitive to and will act accordingly. Praise His name! At this point they don't think it has spread....I will still undergo multiple tests, etc. Continued prayers are appreciated. It makes me nervous, but to see how He is working in this I feel He has a plan in this for me that does not end here. I have a feeling I will be telling this story a lot in the many years ahead.

Did you know.....that the American Cancer Society/Association calls each cancer patient individually and offers anything (most things) that they may need- free? Incredible! They told me that most people don't know about it and hang up thinking it is a prank call or someone asking for donations. What they do is ask your exact diagnosis, put you in contact with a survivor of the same and they(the survivor) become your contact. They then proceed to ask what your needs are, ie: prosthetics, wigs, co-pays, etc. They have funds set aside and if your Ins. covers, great, but if not- they give you a sum of money specifically towards co-pays. I have found my new cause that I am going to be giving to. What a wonderful way to "bless" people in this time of their life. Suddenly you don't feel so alone. I have to admit. I was tearful even having that conversation with them. Sometimes it still just doesn't seem real. "Me?" Wow!

Tomorrow I am heading out to get my new "do". I decided it would be easier to cut my hair shorter now, to better handle the falling out process. Plus, I can take my hair and have a wig made to mimic my new do. Short hair is much easier to manage and to immitate. Hopefully I won't look too obvious.

We have explained this process to Cade and he just looked at me and said, "Well mom, I think you are going to look like a boy, but if you're OK with that, so am I. That's just wierd! First you lost your "bumps" and now your hair. I hope they know what they are doing!"  (Me too) =) I love this boy!!!

Aaron and Cade are doing well. They have been AWESOME at helping me with stuff around the house and are my biggest cheerleaders for getting better. They both are handling this extremely well. We all have our moments, but at those times, we just re-group and pray- a LOT. When my faith grows weak, Aaron just steps in and says something like, "Erin, I truly believe that this is the platform that God is using in your life that will glorify Him the best. I think He wants to use you as a voice and as for me, I am so sorry and grieved that you have to go through this. It hurts to watch you have to walk this but I believe He is healing/healed you and now it is your responsibility to not waste this, but to use it for HIS glory. You can do this. You were made for this. I'm with you on this every step." What a guy!!! I LOVE my boys! They are the best! =)

I will post some pics soon. Much love!

"Joy"...

This post/picture is for my mom...=)

Several years ago, my grandma McDonald sent me this wall decor for Christmas. It became a saying between us that we would use to overcome lifes circumstances, especially the ones we couldn't change.

The morning of surgery (when this was taken) I decided to get up and fix my hair- yes in curlers- because I wanted to do my part. I told the Lord that I believed He was going to show up and work miracles in this situation, so I wanted to follow with my actions. I wanted to look good for the Lord when He came to work His wonders in surgery.

He came, I have no doubt, and He is challenging me to hold true to this saying. It's really "living." It's learning to enjoy ALL of "life." And having "Joy" in its "full" sense of the word.

Will you/I cry in life? YES Will you/I get mad? Absolutely
The goal here isn't to avoid these real and raw emotions. It is to work through them. They are put in us to OVERCOME these trials. Its a natural "vent" built in. Believe me, the Lord put them there and He is more than able to handle them. I don't have tons of "medical experience" but from what I have seen/heard, a "flat line" means you're dead. The opposite (the up and downs, spikes and dips) reveal that we are very much alive. I don't know about you, but I will take the ups and downs, the spikes and dips. I wouldn't want to be recognized for living the "flat line" life. I'm not sure that even characterizes "life."

Ending here with more words from my G'ma that she has learned, "Live your life in such a way that when you die they have to push you into the grave and say with awe, excitement, (and possibly envy)- WHAT A LIFE!"

As I write this I am sore, bruised, held together by a thin thread (literally). Believe me, if there is a strong wind- I'm in trouble. This was on my mind to write not b/c I have something great to say, but I wanted to encourage you:

LIVE your LIFE, JOYFULLY.

Pathology....

The Dr. called and I have stage 2 Breast Cancer. Which means it was in the lymph nodes. Only two out of the nine lymphs they took were positive. So thankful. He is teaching me much through this.

I prayed throughout the day that it wouldn't be in the Lymphs, but I see now that He can move even in spite of "fears" that still linger on the surface. I still have a peace and assurance that the Lord will bring me through this alive and well on the other side. It is scary looking at the long road ahead.

I cried today, simply because I just don't want to loose all my hair, etc. I never thought much of my hair/face looks before. I was always more conscious if I looked "fat", etc. It never occurred to me to worry about my face b/c that wasn't something anyone (especially myself) could change. It is what it is. I already feel deformed in many ways, I guess my pride just reared its ugly head when I realized that I will loose ALL my hair on my body. How humbling to know that this "tent" isn't our permanent home, but it sure is nice when we have it lookin' good!

When the emotions subside, I still refuse to be identified by cancer. It is something I have, NOT who I am. I have always looked at women going through this as strong and beautiful. I guess the Lord is showing me the same lesson, only through His eyes. It matters not what man thinks. Only Him. I am tired now and need to rest. He is good and loves me still and for now that is more than enough!

Waiting....

Today we are waiting on the Dr. to call with the Pathology reports. Praying that we hear great news! God is so good. Just when I need it, He is still sending me an encouragement through the mail, phone calls, or someone just dropping by.  I am truly humbled.

It has been a rough day today. For some reason, I felt awesome yesterday and ventured out to my in-laws to just lounge around and sleep, but it felt great to be out of my recliner and in a new environment.

I have been walking and doing my "little" exercises. They are very elementary, but it is shocking how just those simple things exhaust me!
I didn't keep up with my pain pills yesterday and am paying for it today. I passed out this morning....poor Aaron. I think I freaked him out. I have a very high pain tolerence and with this, it is VERY strange because I don't "feel" pain due to all the numbness, but I can tell it was getting intense b/c of the pressure and I was feeling soreness, but couldn't localize it. I don't really know how to explain it. I just could tell my body had "Had It" and I needed to rest. I am up and around again after eating and some pain meds, but laying VERY low.  3-5 minutes at a time.

I am going to rest now. I so appreciate your prayers. We are looking for GREAT news today. Lord willing I will be updating you all later today. Thank you so much for the support and love! What a blessing!

Changes....

I am up early this morning. It is commical to me because anymore it isn't just "me" that you see. I have my litte armpit pillows that follow me everywhere and I look pregnant with the drainage tubing, etc. Add to that, my mom very graciously went out and bought me several warm, cozy pj's to lounge in except they are rather on the large side. So I'm quite a circus moving throughout the house. =)

My days so far consist of resting and more resting. My drains will hopefully come out sometime this week at my checkup. Having help doing the most basic needs for yourself is truly humbling. I have to especially thank my sister, Alison for helping me throughout the day...and Adam who was my night-time "ninja". (we were working on waking him up when I would call him the first time. It drove him crazy that I had to call him twice.)

I don't have a lot of pain. Sometimes I have nerve pain that comes on all of the sudden and steals your breath away, but to be honest, I am numb from side to side. That much is permanent. Just learning to deal with it.

I have some new restrictions that I didn't expect at first, but really have no choice for at this point! I am high risk for Diabetes Type 2, due to hormone and Insulin reaction? For all you medical ppl, I am sure my explaination is poor! =) Anyhow, I have to begin walking an hour per day. Also, the cancer is estrogen fed, so they will be looking at doing a hysterectomy sometime in the next year. Crazy how "good" that can sound, especially when you are looking at trying to cut off the food supply to this thing! Lord willing, they believe they caught it all, but this is precautionary. Why they are doing this is b/c of my age. I have to be careful when I travel with swelling in my arms. I have to wear these awesome restrictive hose things...and watch that I don't get too hot, or cut myself. W/o my lymphs on the Left side, it makes it difficult to fight infections.

My "exercises" are coming a little easier for me. I don't feel like passing out after each one now. I am just really thirsty and tired. They said for some reason post-mastectomies do this.

I once sang a song called "Heal the Wound" and the lyrics came flooding back to me this morning. I will close with this:

"I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
And I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that you found me in
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem...

Heal the wound But leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful you are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar.

Don't let me forget
Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering."

Butterflies and Kisses

Hello my friends, yes....it's me! =) I am home and resting. I will say right up front that I had EXCELLENT care at Liberty Hospital! They were so wonderful and compassionate.

That being said, I have to share an awesome story with you. It began last Friday, actually, when we went out to the Watkins Mill Christmas Party. I shared a short testimony of my situation with the kids and they were overwhelmingly curious, gentle and so loving towards me. (Watkins Mill is a place for troubled teens- our worship team goes out each Christmas to do a party with them and have such a great time!)
While there, a young man came up to me and told me he was giving me a nickname. "Mari Posa" sp? meaning "Butterfly" in english. I asked him why he chose that specific name and he said, "Because a butterfly flies free and overcomes anything/everything." Wow! You can imagine how shocked I was to hear this from him, but even more so- my mom had just sent me a package in the mail and in it was three butterflies (one for each) that she "randomly" placed in there for us. How cool! So, here is the really awesome part. I was going back for surgery, being wheeled into the OR, when I looked over at this wall and guess what was painted all over it? Yes, butterflies. I asked the nurse if he had given me any meds yet or if I was hallucinating! There were in fact, butterflies and the last nurse I saw before I closed my eyes, wore a shirt and written across the front was "BELIEVE". So I did. I felt like those were tiny and huge reminders that we serve a God that is so into the details of our life. Let me say this again, HE IS SO GOOD! All glory to Him.

 I did hear good news today as well...they feel like they got it all, and the preliminary pathology reports are showing that it is NOT the aggressive type of cancer they suspected. AND they definitely caught it early. I asked my family Dr. why he even thought to send me to get a mamm./ultrasound in the first place? He said - "honestly I felt like the Lord told me to. I had no idea how to explain it to the Ins. Co., but I did it anyways." I am so thankful he did.

I remember waking up from surgery and I was crying. The nurse just put her face down by mine and said, "Honey, you are going to be OK. The Lord is with you." You know what? I never saw her again. Her name was Donna, and when I asked after her again, they said no one by that name worked in that dept. I just remember she held me and kissed my face. Amazing. Her face is branded in my memory.

This morning they removed the bandages and I just wept. There really isn't a way to prepare yourself for that moment, but I felt so comforted by the fact that He is Emmanuel and He will NEVER leave me.

That is all for now. I am tired and need to rest. Much love to all of you. Keep trusting....He is worthy.

Tomorrow....

My heart is heavy but at peace. Don't really know what to write right now. Not really sure how I am supposed to be feeling, but God is good. My focus is on Him and knowing that He WILL show up and be near me. He is Emmanuel- God with us. Oh, how I love the different names He goes by- just when we need Him, He is there.

Cade is ready to go spend the night at a friends, allowing my family to be with me. Emotions are high when I allow my mind to wander. I just love that little boy. Just trusting in the Lord to bring me through and Lord willing I will be cancer free TOMORROW!!!

I am grieving, but finally relieved that the day is on us. As of tomorrow, the big giant in front of me will be gone.
I was reminded of the movie "Facing the Giants".  I believe He is going to show up and we are going to see the miraculous. It is time to fight. The best part? We just have to show up- It is Him who does the fighting and it will be Him who gets the glory.

I love you all and say Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your prayers.
Surgery is at 7:30am. (central time) Hopefully ready for visitors by 11, or so they tell me. Just wait until I get my make-up on! =) (Just kidding...I  don't really have much pride left! =))

Moving Forward....

This morning I woke up crying. Don't ask me how you do that, but I did. "Hormonal" is a word that doesn't even comes close to describing what I feel like sometimes. Yesterday I was walking through Wal-Mart, stocking up on supplies, when I had a moment. I was standing in the paper towel/plates, etc. isle and I just had this desire to scream at the top of my lungs, "Does anybody care that I am standing here having the worst Christmas? I don't want to be in pain! I don't even want this cancer! I'm not getting a cart full of stuff for some great party that we're having....I'm getting this b/c I can't shop for weeks, clean my house for weeks, or even hug my baby for weeks. And right now I just want to be mad about it!!!" The moment quickly passed w/o my outburst being heard by anyone. It isn't any one's fault. It is life. We fight for it, and sometimes forget how precious it is until we stare it in the eye.

They have told me that Chemo forces you through menopause. Perfect. I will just say ahead of time- "I am truly sorry, and for the next year, please don't take anything I say (when I am having a "moment") personally." I will take names and have to apologize later!

Yesterday, my wonderful friend Lisa accompanied me to my appointment, while my other wonderful friend Rachelle watched Cade. The Dr. was so kind and compassionate. From what he knows right now, they have caught this early. Lymph node involvement is still in question, but they take everything on the left side anyway. As for the right, I believe he tests all of the nodes there, but will take the right "side" per my request, due to the extremely high risk.  He also explained the procedure to me and walked me through the next couple of weeks. (I inserted my own comments, too)  Here is what it looks like:

Thrus. - Surgery (and Lord willing CANCER FREE)
Fri.- Home from the hospital with a couple of drains.
Sat. - Christmas
Sun.- A day of rest.
Mon.- Check up
During the week sometime- Results from the surgery/Meeting with my Oncologist
Fri.- Lord willing, the drains removed
Weekend
Following week- Treatment begins.
From here: Treatment over the course of the next year. PET Scan- Lord willing, NO MORE CANCER IN MY  BODY. Surgery for Chemo port- if needed,  2-3 Surgeries for reconstruction, (when Chemo/Rad is done.) Looking forward to this time next year- when I can look back on this from the other side- Cancer Free/Success Story- Survivor.

Lots of rest and relaxing on the menu. Here was the funny part the nurse told me:  "Live life normally, just as you would. No pushing, pulling, or picking up for 6-8 weeks."  Normally? Basically don't do anything except shower, fix your hair, read, and little stuff. "Normally" is a loose translation for getting a little "control" back in your life when everything else is spinning.

Interesting facts to note about breast cancer:
-If you have had a mastectomy, you are unable to get your blood pressure on either arm that has been affected. I will have to have it taken on my thigh.
-The reconstruction, when done, will be considered a "prosthetic" (only a permanent one)

I have quickly noted that you don't have much pride left.  My normally private life is quickly diminishing. It is teaching me much about true humility. Once again, it is not about us. When I look at this, I can see there are so many people (myself included) who are learning so many valuable truths through this.

So today? I have blood work and pre-Op tests. 
THEN, my wonderful sister is flying in. We will have Christmas at the Shafer's, and enjoy a wonderful meal together! Tomorrow, my mom, dad, and brother come in. Can't wait to see them all! I love how there are so many blessings sprinkled in. It helps me keep my mind off "me" and onto other important things.

I don't intend to always talk about "me" in this blog. I am using this right now for updating people/journaling. I find it is much easier than repeating news and updates. I feel drained emotionally when I repeat it, but don't worry- you can STILL call. I love hearing from you all. In fact I started a scrapbook of sorts that is loaded with encouragement from each of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. It helps bring a little bit of Son-shine! He is SO good, don't you see it? He continues to amaze me!

"Armpit Awareness"

As I had mentioned earlier- Cade is quite a little character. When he found out that mommy had a "yucky" inside of her "armpits" that had to come out, he really didn't say much. He is like his dad in how he internalizes things. So, as the days went by I could see the "processing" happening with him. It seems like at night he comes up with 100 questions.
"Will you be in a wheel chair?"
"How will your legs feel?" (I think he is associating me with "papa" who is in a wheelchair and cannot walk)
"When will you get to pick me up again?"
"Will you bring me candy when you come home?"
So just a couple of days ago, he decided he is going to "help" mommy. He determined we are going to have an "Armpit Awareness" day. He is convinced I have cancer b/c I didn't wear enough deodorant. So for all of you- put on a little extra today as you think of "armpit awareness." The world will smell a little better, and it will brighten your day!

The Power of Words....

I have had so many wonderful people supporting Aaron and I through this time. I cannot begin to explain to you just how much those words are carrying us right now. Not excluding the Lord in any of this b/c all Glory for this is going to Him! But, sometimes those timely words are like a hug from the inside and let me just say- it goes soul deep.

While I was joking with some friends about writing a book titled: "what not to say" to someone with cancer, I realized there is definitely a need. everyone deals with things differently and not to be overly sensitive or callous, but to draw some much needed attention to something so many people are affected by. I prayed early on that the Lord would protect me from taking offense to anything anyone said b/c I have enough to carry, I don't need  more baggage for the journey. He has remained true to His word in doing this and has allowed me to see the outrageous and laugh about it.

Laughter has always been a part of me. If you ask my friends, I have one of those faces that must read- "Tell me your thoughts and don't hold back." If you read my FB status a couple of  weeks ago, I was buying a necklace that was super cute and the woman/girl behind the counter said, "Oh, what a cute necklace! A little young for you but I am a firm believer that you older ladies need a little something to make you feel young again!" Seriously??? I'm 30. That is NOT old. I plan on living until I'm 80- if she still works there I do the same thing! LOL

I assure you, the following came from complete strangers who had hearts of gold when finding out I had cancer. I needed a laugh this AM and thought of these. (No, I am not in denial. For some reason these just make me laugh. Aaron however was horrified. Thus the need for the book. =))

From a guy: "I don't mean to be nosey but I heard you have cancer. My mom had that and I took care of her. She died, so good luck! "
My internal response: "GOOD LUCK???

From a lady: "Well it is a good thing you have some extra weight to spare. I heard that Chemo really takes it out of you and leaves you looking pretty scrawny."
MIR: Thank you! Now I have a visual of a bald, scrawny person at the end of this journey to look forward to! ( hear my sarcasm coming through) FYI- not a helpful or hopeful response.

From a young lady: "Do you think reconstruction is spiritual?"
MIR: I really hope so b/c Aaron and I were rolling with laughter last Sunday in church when I asked him if "everything" goes with us in the Rapture! I just don't want to look funny for when the Lord comes!

From a guy: "You can borrow my grandmas wigs. She doesn't need them anymore- she died."
MIR: ?????

From a Lady: "Well my best friend went to a wonderful Oncologist. If you like I could get the name for you."
ME: "Oh that is so nice, Thank you. How is your friend doing?"
LADY: "Well, she died last month."
ME: "I am so sorry to hear that."
MIR: "I think I will find another Dr."

I hope you were able to laugh and perhaps see how everyone could take these different ways. Yes, they are are all (unfortunately) true- however, they have taught me invaluable lessons on "what not to say".

People have told me they just don't know what to say so they don't say anything. I would tell you from my experience, just a hug will suffice. I don't have cooties and no cancer is not contagious. Cancer does not define who I am. As a great friend recently said, "Erin, your tent has cancer, not you. You go much deeper than that." He was encouraging me to not lose myself in this walk, but to keep being me. He's right. This is something I am dealing with b/c at the end of the day I am still a mommy, a wife, a friend, sister, daughter. I still feel. Cancer can take a lot from you- but it can never take your peace, joy, personality, or even your need for a good laugh without your permission.

I have my moments and will for some time. What I am learning is, to cry when I feel like crying. I apologize to the people in Hobby Lobby....my moment came when I was buying some envelopes. Then again when I was folding my "clothes."  I just lost it. How different my life will be in just one week from today. I grieve for the loss. The change. The unknown. I take great comfort in the fact the Jesus goes by so many names. I believe it was for such times like these. Jehovah Jirah- Provider. Deliverer. Redeemer. Jehovah Rapha- Lord God who Heals. Emmanuel- God with us. There is so much POWER in Words.

Time...

I think over the course of the past 16 hours, my emotions have gone sky high to the depths, all in about 2 seconds. I have had to have the "never want to have" conversation with my little boy 2 times as he asks, "Mommy, why are you sick? Are you going to die? I don't want you to leave me, mommy! I need you!" How in the world do you pull out your supermom mask at a moment like that? When his eyes spill over with tears of sadness? He is pretty preceptive and figured it out on his own. As I was comforting him, he says "I wish it would be daddy who is sick cause he gives me hard spankings, you let me get away with anything!" =) He is a little sunshine! He keeps saying and praying that God is going to heal mommy and that Jesus is going to make mommy's "armpits" all better. My heartfelt prayer as well.

Time will tell. It tells a lot, if we are willing to listen. Time tells things like truth, love, hope, and in the darkest of times, just how much courage you can muster in the face of fear. And, I believe that healing is in time as well. God is so amazing in how much He shows us, too. But, it takes time. Time to mature, time to grow, and like Solomon said, "there is a time for everything..."  So much wrapped up in a four letter word.

As I have had some "time" to think about this, there is rather miraculous findings in this story as well. 1st- most women find breast cancer when it is Walnut-sized. For what they know, mine is the size of a small marble and I didn't find it- they did. 2nd- cancer doesn't "hurt" so when I went in for some painful, swollen lymph nodes, they were shocked that that was my only symptom. When you have two Doctors look at you and say that I wouldn't have found this for years yet, you have to believe the hand of a Living God was involved. 3rd- I have two nodes involved (that they can see) and most have 5-6 upon discovery and each survivor I have talked with said that they had no pain or tenderness. Amazing....don't you see it? This has the Lord stamped all over it.

It is incredible how this news changes what I used to "worry" about. I have wondered more than once- if the whole world could look through any one persons eyes, who have dealt with this thing or are going through it- how different the world would be. No, we are nothing special.....it just made me think how I will live my life from now on. For instance, I was cut off in the grocery line the other day. I normally would have internallized a very human and not nice response, and instead I found myself really looking at that person and wondering...what are they going through? Who hurt them so bad that they just walk around hurting? Hurting people, hurt people.

So, I'll leave you with this thought today....what are we going to do with the time we all have to change the world? Me? I am learning to trust in the One True God. He changed my life when I was 8 yrs old and changes it still. It all comes back to this....It Is Not About Us. There is a world outside our door, going to hell b/c they do not know Jesus, and perhaps have never heard. We are in a battle. It is time to rally the troops and go to war- not just to fight cancer, but to show Jesus to the world. If this is my platform that He is using in my life, then I pray that I will glorify Him alone in this and that I can show the world the true Hope of Christmas- Emmanuel, God is with us; Jehovah Rapha, Lord God who heals; Jesus, The One who Saves.
I don't need a temporary man-made deity, when I've got the real thing. I truly believe that He is going to bring me through this alive and well....It is just "time" to get my game face on!

Results......

Well my friends, I wish I had better news.
My tests all came back positive. I have breast cancer.
I am overwhelmed at the moment, but certain the Lord is with me.
I would appreciate your prayers for us.
Dr.'s appt. set for Monday.....Surgery will be next week. They will be taking both sides due to my age and of course the results.
I'm gonna need your support and to fight with us in this.
One day at a time....

Live and Learn....

I used to be a very fearful person. Still working on that.  A lot of people- myself included- felt that I had good reason to be with the various roads my life has taken this far. Since I knew this about myself, I just sort of took things for granted and excused this sin in my life- and yes, I mean sin- and continued to be a "good" Christian. We all have the makings of being a "great" one- if there is such a thing. Faithful is a better word I think.

This past week, I was reading scripture and it came to mind over and over....."Be anxious for nothing..."
"Do not worry....." "Fear not...." These are just a few commands that I read over and suddenly I realized something. I had characterized my life so closely to look like fear, that when something really fearful is staring me in the eye, I had to repent of this to the Lord. I didn't like what I saw, not because I was concerned with what others thought about me, but my life, when laid out next to scripture was found lacking. I came up short, dreadfully short. We serve a forgiving God. He forgives even before we ask, but the reason we still need to ask is so that our prideful hearts will be humbled enough and in position for His unmerited favor- that's grace people! And so that the relationship will be restored- nothing in between- to where He desires it to be so.

I, in NO way, feel that this situation is in any way "because" of my sin. There are times when the Lord allows things in our lives to bring us to the point of forgiveness, and even to strengthen our faith. Take for instance a young tree. Did you know that the tree is just as large underground, as it is above? Do you know what makes the roots grow? The WIND. The force against it. Pressure. Trial. The weak trees break. The strong trees fight against the wind and the roots grow down deep. This is so parallel to our lives in Christ. When trials come, yes- I want to give up. I want to break in two. It feels as if I am and you begin to doubt....but, when you realize that He has brought you through before, or though a fierce wind and it/you didn't break-there is your hope. Rooted in Christ Jesus. Sometimes when a tree has been wind whipped so much, it can start to grow in a bend fashion- not as it was intended. It is those times when the Master Gardener will come and put a stake into the ground and tie the bent branch to it. It is that trees job at that point to grow straight. Resting in the arms of the "string". So, when the winds of fears and doubts subside for a time, you know that you know that you know- God IS good. He will NEVER leave you. With Him NOTHING is impossible. Though no one but the Master Gardener can tell- you are living and learning...

Finding Peace.....

Well, we don't have much for an update except that I have a Biopsy on Tuesday and results should be on Friday. Lots of things to think about. All the "if" scenarios. They found a new spot that will be tested as well. I cannot say that I was thrilled with that, but I am thankful that they caught it.

I am learning to find peace. Bit by bit. Surprisingly it comes in the most random places. For example, when someone who never prays, tells me they picked up a Bible and read a verse and while they thought of me they prayed. Or a little girl who comes up to me and says, "you're the bravest person I know." It is in those moments that I feel like I am being "hugged" from the inside-out. That there is a purpose in this.

The Lord has been so faithful. I don't want you to get the impression that I just "Have it all together." For whatever reason, mornings are the worst. This morning found me on my knees dry-heaving, when I tried to take on the magnitude of "what could be." So I prayed....I mean- fall on your knees-type of praying that leaves you feeling spent, but hopeful.

Even though I feel like I am living through my worst nightmare, I begin to realize it is taking things one step at a time. Aaron's dad always said, "if He brings you to it, He'll bring you through it." There is peace knowing that each new day His mercies are new and that He gives me the strength to meet each challenge, just like He does each of us. It is good to be reminded. He IS good and He is SO faithful. That is what I am learning....surrendering means let go...and I mean REALLY let go. It is there that I find my peace.

His Will- His Way

Like I said in an earlier blog....life is always changing. The one constant that we can always "depend" on.

Yesterday, Aaron and I recieved some stagering news. After several tests, the Dr. feels that I have breast cancer. This is NOT confirmed yet through a biopsy, but Lord willing the biopsy will take place this week and will prove to be a huge mistake and exaggeration! Once you hear the "C" word, you naturally let your mind wander and think of the worse case senarios. I am just not going there. I am a pretty scrappy fighter if provoked! =) I am determined that if it is cancer, that I am going to kick this thing in the rear.

I will try to be as sensitive as I can in explaining this as it is rather "uncomfortable" to talk about.
I went in b/c of some swollen lymph nodes under my arm that I had noticed for a couple of weeks. They did the U/S and Mammogram and they noticed a mass. Upon further pictures and "blown up close" versions of the above mentioned tests, he was very frank and candid with me. I knew it wasn't good after being there for almost 4  hours and then when the nurse came around and started rubbing my back, well lets just say the flood gates opened. It was late by this time. 6pm, so of course they were only able to make a call and leave a message (to some other Dr.s and Surgeons) along with giving me my films. He told me what to expect over the next couple of weeks, but I tell you I was shocked.

We are looking at a biopsy later this week. Upon the results of those, if negative....we will shouting hallelujah! If they go the other way....we will still praise Him. Being only 30, he said they will take drastic measures and act quickly. I am praying that if this is cancer, that it will be isolated ONLY to this area.

Someone asked me if I was mad at God. To risk "sounding religious" I will tell you that no, I'm not at this point, but if I were, that the Lord can handle it. For I believe that NOTHING surprises Him or is sifted through His hands without His permission. It is His Sovreignty. Sufficiency, and His Faithfulness that I am clinging to through the relationship I have with a loving Father. Do we only take the good in life and not the bad? Does it not rain on the righteous and the unrighteous alike? (the "deserving" or "undeserving") Like the potter and the clay (Is. 29:16, 45:9, 64:8; Jer. 18:6, and Rom, 9:21), if I believe in God, then I have to take the WHOLE Bible as His Word. He knows, He cares, and He is indeed in complete control. I do not have the power to call forth the wind or to still a storm to a whisper, but I do have power in the very Name of Jesus, to call on Him in my hour of need and have absolute assurance that He is right there and will never leave. To ask for peace to surpass my understanding. And to rest in His loving arms...which is where I plan to stay.

I wish I didn't have to share this or walk this road even. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I will also share that I have this thing called "black humor." For anyone who has it, you can feel my pain when in the worst of times, there is something that comes over you and you cannot help but laugh. Perhaps it is how we cope....but while sitting there talking and crying with my dear husband, I said: "Aaron, if what he (the dr.) says is true, and I do have to have massive "surgery" then I'm going the whole way with the plastic surgery thing. I would not normally say this, but if i have to have some reconstruction done at least the insurance will pay for it and I will wear it loud and proud." Don't judge me! =)

Out of the mouths of babes.....

Motherhood is a funny thing. It does things to you. One moment you are caught up in nostalgia, wishing for the days gone by and the next praying for the rapture, more to escape the pure embarrasment than a particular desire to be caught up with the Lord.

Like every mother, we all have to brag on our kids once in a while. We love them and it just comes naturally. Once in a while you are bound to have those, "oh, no" moments when you can't quite control the situation and usually you end up embarrassed and suddenly wishing you were anywhere other than where you are at the moment. Cade is currently at that stage. Words flow and I can see the wheels turning when he tries to ponder what a particular word means, etc.

Some of the time I post things on FB, and others I will just jot down in this handy little book I recieved called, "Out Of The Mouths Of Babes." So, I thought some of you might like to hear some of the hilariously embarrasing and sweet things that Cade has said, particularly my mom. I write this more for entertainment than bragging rights, as you will soon see.....and YES, the following is all true.

Cade: "Mom, I think that lady just came from build-a-bear!"
Me: "Why do you think that?"
Cade: "Because she looks like she just came from stuffing her pants in there! I think she must have gotten stuck because she is HUGE!"  (insert a "rapture" moment as the lady heard us)

Cade: "Dear God, thank you for our blessings and for Real and for Pete's Sake- because my mommy uses them all the time! Amen"

While listening to the GPS-
Cade: "Yeah, we gottch "sugar!" We'll do it!"

"Mom, sleep is SO distracting! It keeps trying to keep me from waking up."

To the lady doing our taxes:
"Do you think we can get this back in cash money? It sure would spend a lot better."  

To my grandmother...
"Don't worry Great-gramma, I'm sure a nice guy will come along one of these days and just make you real happy! Then you won't be alone anymore!"

Cade: "Mom, if I said, "I love you" will that get me out of trouble?"
ME: "No, I don't think that will work."
Cade: "What if I said dinner was amazing, too?"

I will end with that. He is a sweetie and I just love him!  There are many more, but for my mom, I wanted to post these!