This 'n That......

This week has been FULL of things. To give you an example of our average day this week:
-7:45a. Cade to _____'s house (whlie in treatment)
-8:30a. Radiation
-9:15a. P/U Cade
-11:00a. Swim Lessons
-4:15p. Church for VBS
-10:30p. Crash

Insert many of the following in any and all of the gaps on any given day of the week and you will see not only chaos....but a full life as well:
Flat tire, blown out tire, Running out of Gas, "Ella" making a puddle or a pile in the garage, broken door, ripped shirt, popcycle rings around the mouth, stained jeans, hilarious phone call from a friend, spilt milk, dumped pan of brownies, grocery bag of perishables left in the 100+ deg heat, smiles, stubbed toe, loads of  laughter along with laundry, sink full of dishes, school shopping, disappointments, movie watching, dentist, battling fears (again), Kindergarten physical and shots, hurt feelings, unexpected blessings, mended relationships, overflowing toilet, discouragement, encouragement, ................whew! I feel better already, just getting it off my chest! Thanks for listening to my this and that of this week!

What an awesome, expensive, rediculous, yet overwhelmingly fabulous life! And from the words from my favorite little man: "mom, things just keep getting better, don't they? I guess we just have to wait on some of the good things before we get them them but boy am I glad that Jesus can keep up with us!"
Me too, buddy.......me too.

Texas in Pictures......

 Here is the Ranch that we stayed on..

Our "Home Away from home"

                    The bush below the A/C unit was where we saw the snakes...right outside our door!

 Eric's Work Place

 Eric is giving us the grand tour...

                                                           

Getting his horse.

 One of the many barns on Waggoner Ranch

The "Office"

                                                                  Aunt Kerri and Cade

                                                                   Alison, Kerri, and I

                                                                   With Uncle Eric

    The little stinker made a spot for himself in the wedding....right between grandma and grandpa so he could walk down the isle with them as well. Here he had just given me a thumbs up sign and a wink to let me know he was "ok". LOL!

Just finishing a dance....

And finally the Happy Couple!

We gotta have faith...........

This morning I was reading thru the Psalms. Specifically: 35, 119, and 145.
While I was reading I was thinking about the sovereignty of God....because someone asked me about faith this week. I don't know how to answer these questions, so I asked the Lord about an application for all of the above chapters and this is what was on my heart.....

Faith is believing in the sovereignty of God.
Believing that His eyes see further than ours, and being willing to wait with an empty plate for as long as it takes until you see the goodness of God- refusing to take anything less than HIS absolute best (not what we think). Waiting on Him when hope is not on the horizon. Waiting when you think your answer is never going to come. Why? Because you believe in the One who will bring the rain, who will bring the answer....in His time not yours.  Because what ever disease, disability, or circumstance in this life that you struggle with will NEVER make you less than who you were meant to be. Scripture tells us that He who began a good work in you will complete it....this is the Job-like and Abraham-like faith...theirs was credited to them as righteousness. In HIS righteousness and faithfulness he afflicts us. He allows things into our lives to strengthen us. Job lost everything but he never ran after anything but God. The same is true for Abraham. They lost much but gained even more. We cannot believe in a god that only gives us what we want when we want it. We would quickly lose respect and reverence for him.  So in this walk/daily grind that we find ourselves in....we gotta have FAITH! Faith in Jesus- the author and perfector of our faith. The One and Only.

Texas, Rattle snakes and Weddings.....

A while back someone wrote and told me that they were praying for me to get an unexpected, yet pleasant surprise. Well, that was the day I went and saw my Radiologist Onc., well needless to say, while I was talking with him he asked me if there was anything he could do to make my summer be a little better than it has been. I just told him I would really like to be done before my brothers reception in MI. come Sept. He then asked me when the wedding was  and when I told him July he started figuring up and wouldn't you know....the only days that I can take off during treatment was at the halfway mark....which fell right on Thursday/Friday of this past week- the perfect time to make Eric's wedding! Since mom, dad, and Alison were stopping here for the night on their way, Cade and I just went along!

Texas is HUGE. You literally drive 30 min. before you come to a town that may or may not have a gas station. Amazing clouds, stars, scenery everywhere you look were absolutely captivating! The people there were just as warm and welcoming as the state and the snakes! While there we saw a total of 3 snakes and all of them matching a rattlesnakes description....and multiple mice. Ugh!!! I was so tired that by the end of the weekend I decided that I was going to mouse hunt if we saw "one more!" So, wouldn't you know.....6:30 am on Sat. morning Alison and I woke up to my mom, and aunt standing on their bed hollering since the mice were in their room....we never did catch one but saw plenty and chased them into Grandma's room while she slept! We did our best to get it out of there, but if you would have seen the many "escapes" they had I am just going to say I was VERY thankful no snakes decided to grace us with their presense.

People talk about the heat of Texas but you truly have to experience it to know what it is like! After the wedding, and all the people left, we danced and laughed until late into the evening...in 105 deg. weather! The highest we saw while there was 110. Whew! Cade loved it, heat and all! I did too, and even learned to dance the two step. I wouldn't claim to be proficient, but at least the kind folks of TX didn't ask me to step off the stage.

We met some wonderful people and are thrilled to have the Beck family as part of ours! Cade LOVES the fact that we have more people for him to love. He enjoyed meeting my Aunt Jenny from CA, and Uncle Jay from VA. Mom, Alison and Cade are all crashed as we head back home. I am up writing and studying for tonight as our VBS begins. I have multiple lines to learn as well as songs to learn and teach with my good buddy Raelene. LOVE all the wireless tools available now! Dad is doing a great job driving us and stopping for the multiple stops I have to make...gotta love water pills! I will post pictures of the beautiful couple as soon as I get home. Until then it is reading and sleeping time!

What are you going to do?....

What a total heat wave we've been having! Cannot believe the settlers made it w/o Air Conditioning!

Almost done with week two of Radiation. Weeks seem to fly by these days....becoming fast friends w/ Liberty Hospital. They are great!!! For the past several weeks since Chemo, I have had tons of swelling. They have now put me on a water pill to help...so that is really all I have to complain about (just thought you'd want to know! jk). Water wt is truly abnoxious especially for women because it doesn't come in six pack form- just a keg....not kidding. Anyhow, I tell you this b/c I have learned some very valuable lessons in this season....swelling and all.

Life has a funny way of doing that, but what is more amazing is that we are finally awake to it. Is it chance that we see/learn incredible truths about the Lord thru all of "life"? I don't think so. If I were creator, I would leave signs everywhere for all of the created to see me, too; to get to know me, to be encouraged, etc. When we awake to these things, it is not for great "wisdom" on our part that we see. We have nothing to do with any of it....it is HIS doing. His glory. It's all about Him.

Last night I was up late praying about some things that were really heavy on my heart. I'll be honest....life is rough, and dealing with cancer quickly puts things in perspective and you realize just how little you really need on your trip thru the "desert", so you purge the things that suddenly don't matter and you fasten
down tight the things that do. What am I saying? Last night had me thinking about love. True Love. The kind the Bible talks about.....Laying down your life for your friends-kind of love. Specifically me...

W/o my whole life story here, I realized that I am not only learning how to love myself but others as well. Yes, we've talked of this before, but bear with me.....You cannot give what you don't have right? So, if you were to ask for someones hand in marriage, would you be satisfied with "half" of their heart? Would it be ok if they loved you and someone else as well? Last night that was the same feeling I had....in regards to the Lord-only I was asking myself the question as to why I didn't love ppl more, or myself more (not selfish- just healthy.)

Why did I cling to things I cannot change hoping that these "broken pots" can fix themselves without a "Potter". It's impossible. It's like telling the sewer to self-clean. The amazing thing? Jesus asks for more, but takes what we give him. He takes all, some and nothing....it is your choice what you give him. What was I going to give? I wanted to live in my own fears and "do it myself" attitude. I was comfortable there. But what about loving others? What if this cancer happened b/c not only did I have things to learn, but others as well?

Could I honestly say "Yes, it was/is totally worth it!" from the bottom of my heart? I have a "christian" answer ready, but what the Lord was showing me was much deeper. We might say yes if we knew just how long this was going to take, and if it wasn't too terribly painful, and lastly, if we looked good when all was said and done. I'm not trying to be sarcastic here...just open about my true/our true motivations sometimes in this life. We are selfish, plain and simple.

Last week someone asked me if I could be so happy, and encouraging to people if the "news wasn't so good?" If the "outcome was reversed?" First of all- my
internal response was..."I don't know what planet you hail from, but from the viewpoint out my window, this isn't a pretty nature walk." Secondly- we are ALL terminal. We just don't realize it- better yet, we don't want to "go there" or deal with reality. Possibly because we have gotten so comfortable with doing things our own way, that we don't need God unless we get something like cancer...or perhaps into a situation that we are totally uncomfortable with. I don't know. One thing I do....10 out of 10 people die. You were created to be YOU. No one else.

When we stand before the Lord we won't answer for the number of days we stayed at our goal weight.
We won't answer for the times we had a great time with the awesome things He created for our pleasure, b/c He delights in doing that! What we will be responsible is for the time, words, actions/inaction, etc. that we did do. I know....it is heavy. Believe me...the bathroom floor (aka- prayer closet) isn't very comfy either at 1 am.

So I find myself asking this again...."Is it worth it?" Somewhere deep down inside my selfish heart I am learning to give it all to Jesus....not just the half I feel comfortable giving. And because of that I am saying "yes", because selfishly? If it was you- I would want you to do it for me. If someone can be encouraged, feel loved, most importantly know Jesus thru all of this- yes, my friends it is worth it. I sit here with tears because I have realized for the first time in my life just how much I have hated "me", "Erin", and in doing
 that I was hating my wonderful, loving, blessed Redeemer. So, I am up on the Potter's wheel, waiting to be patched and made new because I will one day be able to "hold water" - useful to more than just me. Learning to love more.....
So my friend I will end with these words from Pamela Eichorn to her Grandson...." you mighty man (woman) of God....what are you going to do today to change the world?"

"Ella"

Well we finally got a little girl.....a puppy named "Ella". She is a 5 wk old Chocolate Lab. She is SOOOO cute. We picked the laziest one of the bunch. So difficult to pick just one. She looks sad, but I promise....they all did- they were H.U.N.G.R.Y., and excited to have someone play with them.

 These aren't the best of photos (sorry Megan!)...I did the best I could with a wiggly little puppy, wiggly little boy, and 9 of "Ella's" brothers and sisters. I think we had just woken her up from a little snooze...but still- isn't she sweet?

Week #2

Good Morning!
I am up and at 'em this morning....getting ready to begin week #2 of Radiation. Let me just say this goes MUCH faster than Chemo....and little to no side-effects. I am more tired, but hey- I can deal with that! =)

We have had a BUSY couple of weeks, and it looks like July is going to be PACKED full as well. Besides being busy with weekly worship team stuff, we have a church revival coming up, VBS, and not to mention seeing my folks as they come in and out of town for my brothers wedding. (He's marrying a great girl by the way!!!) With daily treatments....we will be flying until school starts!

Speaking of which, Cade starts Kindergarten this year! Wow.......I cannot even believe it. My little pumpkin/side kick will get to go with the big kids this fall instead of staying with his momma. I think I am struggling more than he is with all of these new changes. He is going to a local Christian School near here, and has already made some great friends from there. His only disappointment was that he didn't get to ride the bus...but he figured he had it better b/c I get to be his everyday bus driver....he likes personal service........not spoiled or anything! LOL!

We all get that way don't we? We want everything "just so", realizing how much we are truly creatures of  habit and that we don't like change.
Change is difficult! It pressures us to move- often in new and foreign territory. Not one person I know likes to be uncomfortable for long. Briefly is "ok" at best! This week has been a battle. Not just from fatigue but from fears. Fears of the unknown, the "what if", the "I didn't ask for this....why me?", "what now?" If you are like me, questions like this keep me awake for several nights. It is a struggle to keep them back, but it IS possible. Perhaps that is why the deaf never fear the loud buzzing of bees b/c they don't associate the buzz w/the bee. Or why a child, when he falls when his daddy is holding him, reaches right back up and clings to him for recovery. He recognizes that the "situation" is separate from his father.  Often I think about this stuff, b/c it puts things into perspective. I need that from time to time. Relying on my own thoughts often puts me in Peter's position- when walking on the water, he looked down- away from Jesus- and it was then that he began to sink. Peter and I could sit down and talk for hours about life, I am sure. We'd have much more room around our campfire if there are others that would care to join us. Most of us have been there....the all too familiar way of expectations, of mis-placed trust, and disappointment after disappointment. Why? For me it would have to be b/c I am looking at my circumstances instead of the arms that are there to hold me. I am trying to manipulate "truth" to be what "I" want it to be. I am looking for assurances in a world where the only constant is change, and I am coming up short, therefore making me short-sighted....believing that Jesus is the same way, discribed in the same fashion. Let me just say.....HE IS NOT. He is the only genuine, constant, firm foundation, that allows for soft landings in grace, feeding us nothing but the best of truth, all the while singing over us with love. What an "oasis" moment when we are walking thru the deserts of life. We can have those every time we open our hearts, our eyes, and the scripture to see who Jesus really is. Everytime we have doubts, need direction, and desire fellowship. Every single day. Sweet communion requires surrender. Allowing Him to work the dry and thirsty portions of our souls back to life again. I will end with this.....if you were a parent, picture your son or daughter curled up in a corner, starving, dehydrated and surrounded in sadness soul deep with fear controlling their every move. Would seeing this picture of them motivate you to action? It did for Jesus, and it still does. He knows what He created and the potential within each of us. He doesn't state the obvious- that we probably ended up looking like that b/c of our own poor choices, misplaced priorities, and disappointments with Him. He offers us hope, healing and peace that transcends our circumstance. Yes, there is room around my campfire for more.....welcome to all who would join me- simply resting in sweet communion with Jesus.

Not so bad.....

Today was the first day of Radiation Therapy, and it wasn't too difficult. What do I do? Well, I check in using a little credit-card-like thing, and go behind some doors to a second waiting room equipped with dressing rooms and lockers. You are given a gown and key (for the locker) and you store your things in there.
Once changed, they take you to the treatment room (which is HUGE and COLD) and are placed on a table under a gigantic machine that rotates around you. It is sort of like an x-ray machine, only bigger. It performs it's job and voila! I am done. At least for today. =) Much less invasive than chemo, and not very many side effects. Sort of feel like I have been out in the sun, but other than that....doing well......see? That's not so bad.....