Never Once...

Three years. Three very fast, LONG, struggling years.

I woke up this morning early. Sitting down with a cup of coffee and my devotions, I was thrilled to have the time to myself. I am on the final chapter, reading through the Psalms of ascent. When the psalmist is calling God to remember, and to draw near.

As I was encouraged to do in my study, I looked back. And I remembered. Three years ago, choking down my grief, I stood before the mirror asking myself, "what's next?" Three years past, I was in surgery at this exact time. A double mastectomy. Lifelong scars. Heart memories of when God drew near. I looked into a mirror this morning and asked myself the same question..."what's next."

I choked out my thanks this morning as I was fixing my hair. How beautiful the view this side of three years. Fear was a motivator then. At times it still is, but I have learned some things in these past three years of life...we never walk alone. Never once.

Whatever your circumstances are right at this very minute, stop where you are. Close your eyes. Whisper His name. He is near. Emmanuel.

Let this be your thankfilled prayer and motivation: He is faithful. It's His gift to you...

'Tis the Season...

The twelve days of Christmas. I have the song or the story (if you've read the book) stuck in my mind. Its been there for...twelve days. :) Thirteen actually, if you count today.

This week has flown past.

Cade had surgery yesterday. He had a hernia repair. Yes, minor and very fixable, but it seriously had this mama concerned. It's my baby. ANY time a kiddo goes under for a procedure of any type, I'm concerned. Not that I could do anything about it, but hey-a moms gotta worry, right? He is recovering nicely, with little to no pain. Such a blessing and so very thankful that things went great!

Aaron's aunt is in from OH. Our busy weeks of Christmas fun have begun. My presents are purchased, the decorating done, now all I need is a warm winters nap. Since that isn't likely to happen anytime soon, I'll settle for a warm peppermint mocha. Non-fat, no whip, grande. Perfection.

I'm not exactly sure when my love of all things peppermint started, but I have a strong like for the cooling goodness. Chap stick; mocha's; creamer; shakes (the Trim Healthy Mama kind); you name it-I love it!

Yes, the season is upon us. CHRISTmas. The time for singing.

Let's be honest. If you're a worship leader, your yearly nightmare has begun. I have tinkered and thunked my way through a good many Christmas carols this year already. Goodness. I love to sing them, but to play them-oy!

Regardless of what it is this season, I hope it finds you well. Good tidings of great joy to you and your family! Whether its visits from loved ones; favorite Christmas songs and traditions; yummy desserts; or you have a heavy heart this season, remember this. Emmanuel, the God with us, is better to us than He has to be. Always.

The Same Love

This afternoon we had the blessing of watching a true gem. A handsome young man belonging to some good friends of ours. He came for just over an hour, but gave us a life-lesson of laughter and joy.

He doesn't communicate like you and I. God has gifted "Mr. T" uniquely. Perfectly. He was uncomfortable outside of his routine (I could relate: I'm so much the same). He began repeating over and over that he wanted to go for a ride. That he wanted to sing. He ran into the kitchen where there was a CD player and turned the music on. Loud. And he began to dance. As he grew more comfortable with us, he and Cade began chasing each other through the house calling each other names. "Monkey Butt" was the game they played/made up/called each other. Pretty spiritual, eh?

You choose the humble and raise them high

You choose the weak and make them strong

You heal our brokenness inside and give us life.

 

His excitement over the songs was contagious. Palpable. It inspired us all. This joy-filled boy, fist pumping in the air shouting songs that would rival any holiday music station. I know for sure the neighbors didn't catch this dance scene as they did earlier in the week as I was having a personal celebration. But I know that God saw. And dance we did.

 

During this beautifully, birth-pained season that makes memories both good and bad surface. It suddenly seems brighter. Hope-filled.

 

Yes, we danced. If you can imagine it-we even fist pumped. The loud cadence of the drums, felt to the tips of our toes. Cade, Mr. T, Aaron, and myself. Dancing to the rhythm of love. To the tune of "The Same Love." God's. Holy, unblemished, and wholly pure. Calling us to put aside our worry. Drawing us out of our mental reverie. Yes, each of us.

 

The same love that set the captives free

The same love that opened eyes to see

Is calling us all by name

You are calling us all by name

 

The same God that spread the heavens wide

The same God that was crucified

Is calling us all by name

You are calling us all by name

 

 

I guess sometimes the only way we can hear it is to be like Mr. T, and turn the music up.

 

Loud.

 



 



Traditions...

Good Friday morning to you!

This is our typical day, where in our family, everything is "tradition." Libbi still hasn't quite caught the gist of things, so we will let it slide...

Speaking of Libs, she had me awake early. Non-traditionalist that she was being (instead of sleeping in) we were playing at five-something. It's difficult to be frustrated by such cuteness. Seriously. She has two huge teeth in the front, along with about six others in various stages. Did I mention she has curls forming?

Cade is my "stick-to-task" manager. Almost to the point of annoying, but again-the cuteness factor. I'm a sucker for my kids!

Our tradition holds that we put up the tree and decorate everything. Every color imaginable. Each year we find new and exciting ways to celebrate the risen and coming King. Yes, there will be cookies, movies, and music.

With my almost-walking ten month old-this could get interesting. 😳

I pray this holiday season has a wonderful start of the joy for you and yours. I'll try to capture some pictures to share. If you stand around here too long, you are likely to lose your Achilles heel as Libbi is proficient and deadly with her walker. The little tooth-filled smile is quite healing.

So I told you I had some exciting news coming in a previous post...well i do! Not only have I begun the guest blogging with pinxwear.com but I have also finished the editing of my book! Yeah! (fist pump happening here!) Yes, I have a few things to review before it gets sent back. Prayerfully considering titles and covers. Whew! I never thought I'd be here to this point. Exciting!!!

My bio and selfie (I despise these)...along with my first contribution is up and available for review over at pinxwear.com. Check it out and let me know what you think!

My little cuteness is up from her early morning nap, so I must go.
Much love to you all,

Erin

Thanksgiving...

Thanksgiving. Thankful. Joy. Blessings. Humility. Family. Friends. Encouragement. Food. Fullness.

These are just a few of my favorite words to describe this thank-filled holiday. It's one of my favorites. Actually: they ALL are my favorite. ESPECIALLY the fall/winter. Is there anything better than curling up with a good book, a blanket, and a warm, steaming, cup of coffee? Blessings in itself! Imagine it! The cold wind, biting outdoors while the rest of the world wraps up warm to wait. Wait out the long winter months. Chrysalis-like. Can you see it? Its a wrapped gift that we save until Spring. How can we not like Spring too?

I don't have my presents purchased yet, but my list is growing by the day. Some decorations have made their way out of the dusty storage room. Funny how the very first thing I do to commence the coming holidays is bring out the music. The praise. The happy. The festive.  It puts me in the right frame of mind. Thankfulness.

Here is a photo bucket full of my thankful. From years past to years present...and in no certain order.

For a good Christian School for my son to learn and grow. For two years they worked to fashion Cade into the likeness of Him. The giver of all good things.

For a boy who has learned the difficult way that life isn't always a box of Chocolates, but he does enjoy the smooth and silky goodness on occasion.

For friends that see us through. Carry us. Love on us.

For family we love much in our hearts and share over a distance.

For the obedient heart of my man; listening to the Lord.

For my precious promise: Libbi. Not the daughter I thought I'd have from my womb, but the one born in my heart.

For the heart of my man-child. Seeking the Christ-child.

For the forced smiles and camera struggles this picture represents (and the people in it).

For memories worth a thousand words. Precious. Priceless.

For do overs, and new starts. For this crazy family I'm privileged to call my own.

For life.

 

God is good. In the good times and the bad. And all the in between. For this we have a reason to praise. To be thankful.

 From our hearts to yours...Happy Thanksgiving!

You Can't Fix Broken...

This past week, we enjoyed a wonderful visit from my sweet friend Sarah. She brought her family down for a quick weekend visit. Fast and furious. We LOVED it!

Prior to their arrival, Cade picked some flowers to display in a watering can. His artistic nature shines through at times, making this mama proud. He is like me in so many ways. Needless to say, he found his flowers-picked off my front planters. Perhaps I should share with him my resources. The stores I use. We could go together. Be on the same page, or something like that!

I let it go. You can't fix broken like that. No matter how ugly those mums look now, its going to take some time. Time to heal. Time to simply be broken a while.

Cade has to see a surgeon today. He has a hernia in a delicate spot. Perhaps if he wouldn't have joined gymnastics. Maybe it was Soccer. T-ball? My mind works constantly trying to figure it out, only to be met by the doctor suggesting that perhaps he was born with it. Okay. I can reason that. What I didn't count on was Cade's reaction to this. Just this simple surgeons visit has him angry. Not just a little, but slap-yo-mama-bad. Yes. You read that correctly. He slapped me. Hard.

My wonderful man-child is growing up. He hates to be called anything "big and strong, or soft and cuddly." Okay. So what is left? Grumpy? Just kidding.

His heart, or so he told me last night, is angry. Furious. Full of questions and a whole lot of little-boy-scared, he crawled into our bed last night and asked us to pray. Pray for peace, for wisdom, for healing, for courage. My heart secretly broke as I had to take a sideline position. This mama can't pull out her superwoman costume and fix a broken like this. I wouldn't try. The Lord is working, and mending a hurt that began three years ago. Cancer makes an enemy of families and friends alike.

Yes, my little boy is growing up. He is learning to wield his sword against the powers of this dark world. To fight the invisible evil ever present in every day.

This mama was proud. Is proud. To hear him repeat the words of hope in his bed as he lay his head down is healing. For him and for me. Yes, you cannot fix broken but God can.

The mums? They'll return in the fall of next year as we anxiously await the changing colors. Yes, they'll be there, perhaps better than ever. The unprovoked pruning was probably just the thing they needed.

Cade will be the stronger for it. Lots of hugs, kisses, bribes, and encouragement will go a long way for his sort of brokenness. The God who lives is drawing Him near. Teaching Him to trust Him. This is simply the first of many that Aaron and I will stand close by and watch as God works as only He can. Cade has put his everlasting hope in the Savior who saves. It is only natural that God begin to develop Cades hope in Him, not in me or my faith or in Aaron or his beliefs.

I'm not going to lie. It hurts. Seeing Cade learn such a big-boy lesson is not easy.

"For God hath not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7)."

We will let Him work. Let Him fix broken as only He can. In the mean time we will use what we have. Whether it is little or much. Broken or whole; to offer Him what He deserves. All of us. Surrendered. Worshiping. On our journey to complete wholeness.

I'm Back!

Good Morning!

It's SO good to be back to writing again. I sorta took the rest of the summer and the early part of fall to regroup and just enjoy the last bit of summer!

What a refreshing couple of months its been. Beware: this post will be  a photo bucket and info overload...just to catch you up!

For starters, everyone is well and embracing this wonderful FALL weather! Hello jacket season!

I'm super excited to share with you that coming soon, I will be guest blogging on pinxwear.comblog! The founder is a sister in Pink's dream business to help others who have walked, are walking, or will walk through Cancer. What a ministry! Check out her site! It's a one stop shop!

Here are a few pics from our time at a Pumpkin Patch a couple of weeks ago:

For some reason, they dumped on here together, but such is life! Here they are...The two grainy pics are from a Paul Baloche Conference I was blessed beyond measure to attend! The first, obviously a concert photo, and the second was Mr. Ed Kerr- So delighted to sit and be taught by a Keyboard genious!

Lastly, the family came to visit in Oct. What a blessed time it was! My beautiful family...and then, me and my love.

Blessings to you all, I look forward to writing and chatting with you soon.

Remember: "The same love that set the captives free-is calling us all by name-calling us to the cross." -Paul Baloche

***Please forgive the spelling errors, and the picture drop. For some reason, I cannot spell check, or edit my page (????) as I have tried for two hours now. So sorry!!!

Take time...

Hurry...

The persistent yet invisible word-burden that always seems to infiltrate every barrier I put up.
The kids. Aaron. Church. Ministry. Needs. Have to's. Should have's. Want to's.

It pushes, and pushes and pushes some more.

The language of Hurry always brings friends along with it. Failure. Frustrations. Overwhelming. Just to name a few.

Mirrored in the eyes of the precious two gifts I've been entrusted with, I see my reflection. An unsettling image. One that I don't want duplicated.All too often I have seen and ignored in great detail the damage that this five letter word does when I refuse to lay it down.

Their disappointed faces at my too quick and too ready responses.

Their sadness at my all too often "Schedule" we live in.

So today I decided to be brave.

Pray a courageous prayer.

"Change MY heart."

I asked the Lord to help me to lay down the Hurry-burden, along with it's friends. To find the beauty of now. The perfect picture of grace by the moment.

It began with sitting humbly at the Saviors feet. Where mercy and grace are free. Second chances are given. And "Super-Moms-In-Training" learn a very important lesson...forgiveness freely dispersed by my sweet little blue eyed boy, whose mohawk isn't too tough to forgive his mama when she asks.

We have since completed 30 min of "mad-house-cleaning", swinging outside, watching a movie, doing each of us our own devotions, playing with Libs, picking peaches at Nana's, and now we are enjoying the delicious smell of fresh cobbler in the oven.

Want to see the miraculous? The taste and see that He is good moment?

I've accomplished everything on my "schedule", all the extra's with the kids, and even have had time to spare! God is good. Always. Even when this Jesus-girl stumbles along learning to Take Time...

Moving forward....

It's sort of a numbing pain.

I was putting up the lawn mower deck and (since it was raining, wet, wearing sandals and well...you get the picture). I stepped down hard on the deck pedal, and yeah...my foot slipped off. In the wrong direction. Not a good combo. The pedal collided with the inside of my ankle. Directly on the bone. It hit a vessel and quickly swelled to a nice little purple knot. Very attractive.

Then numbness.

It feels the same way on the inside of me as well. Only not so funny this time.

Sherry went home, dancing. She is fully healed and fully alive in her spirit. Normal is now sorta like limping along, knowing that one day you will feel again and operate in a somewhat familiar way. More wary. More teary. More like living with a deeper revelation of life, because of pain.

I've struggled with knowing how to write. I want to pour out my thoughts. Shout out my anger and frustrations. Sob out buckets. And even laugh at some fond memories I have. Such an up and down of emotions, clearly NOTHING close to what I know her family, and dearest friends are feeling. The amazing thing about her, is Sherry let others win.

We are grieving. Random memories flood in and fill my eyes. Darn it, I'm just sad and learning how to move forward.

I refuse to step on one more lego.

Seriously.

After a sleepless night with my princess, I awoke with my prince's toys underfoot.

I wish they'd send forth warning signs like: "DANGER...Step to the left" or "WATCH OUT...." Argh.

Sherry has been heavy on my heart this morning. So heavy. I'm reading Psalm 23. Over and over.

Like the lego fiasco, I am reminded once again of the Lord's ability to take us into uncharted territory. Through dangerous toils and snares. Over mountain highs and valleys low, because it is HE who stands ready to defend.

He is confident of HIS ability to protect and guide even in the danger zones.

Even over lego strewn floors.

We as friends can only walk so far. Oh how I wish it was further.

I swallowed tears encouraging a friend this morning. I burst forth in tears over the legos. Little princess bit mama on the shoulder with her razor sharp teeth. Tears only smarted.

He is near. The LORD is near.

I'm calling on Him.

He is near to all who call on Him.

Join me this morning in walking with our friend. With ALL our friends going through trials.

Go the distance with them. Shoulder to shoulder, and arm in arm.

Allow the tears to flow.

Tears water the ground, that cushions our feet, on the path that leads us to the Father.

Come Lord Jesus. Comfort. Guide. Protect and do what only You know to do.

You are good.

When there is nothing good in me, Lord.

You are Good.

Carrying On...

Good sunny summer morning!

We are still carrying on. Sherry is still with us.

This part of mercy is difficult to understand. Merciful deliverance vs. Merciful time given. God's gift to both.
Each day is weaker. More tired. Less interaction.

I find myself holding my breath as I watch her breathe. In....out. In...out. In..............out. In......
Over and over I think, "O Lord, have mercy. She suffers so..."

On my walk this morning, I noticed I was randomly humming..."Open the Eyes Of My Heart Lord". How appropriate. She wants to see Him. We all need to see Him. In the way that He is moving. In the revelation He desires to be seen.

This morning I tried to bring some cheer as I got up and fixed her hair as has been my habit to do so for the past week. She looks great! Her natural curl bounces up and her eyes sparkle just a bit as she sees herself in the mirror. She doubted my  abilities this morning after I was telling her about accidentally shaving off my eyebrow last week before we came. Oh, well. I've not had them before, so I'll survive....But I could understand her angst. =)

You don't think about the words you say until you say them and wish you hadn't. In circumstances like this one, its not very appropriate to say things like...."See ya later" (because some won't). Or, "I just about died....when that happened." You get my point. I have alot of those "duh" moments these days. Careless words....that I pray fall dormant.

Its almost dream-like. Out shopping we picked up a blouse or shirt, knowing she'll love it, only to remember reality. We bought it anyway and put it on her. We women are die hards when it comes to fashion.

Well, there I go again. See what I mean?

When I go out today I guess I'll buy some duct tape.

Victory over the grave...

Death is heavy.

My heart it heavy.

The subject of death and dying is not a light subject. We are here in Michigan with my folks. Visiting, laughing....and struggling.

Our long time family friend is in her final days. Possibly hours.

A precious warrior princess prepares to make her final voyage. As she leaves us behind, we remember. So much. Memories. Songs. Laughter, and now a season of tears. Not for her. For us. Even now, as we cheer her on in her final lap, she finds time to comfort. Her often glazed look focuses momentarily. She knows. I know. She squeezes my hand, and I respond.

My heart makes another memory.

As I have sat and watched her these two days past, I have noticed her strength waning. Sometimes fears. Sometimes strength. Isn't that so much like a warrior? The strength isn't in the armor, but in the heart. A fierce flame of Faith still burns bright. It will never leave. Faith isn't the absence of fear, but the assurance that God will win in the end.

Her friends come and go. They sing, they laugh, they cry. Grief. The elephant in the room. The heaviness that makes rainy days like today seem oppressive.

Libbi laughs and shows off her strength. Cade, the servants heart, makes sure Sherry has snacks in abundance.

From the other room I hear her sweet friend Renae singing songs of the King. Victorious Warrior. The One who, because He stands in victory, we don't have to be afraid anymore. Our Sovereign is in complete control. He alone controls our breath.

We have prayed for healing. Begged for it even. He is giving it. He has answered.

I watch my parents in this role as caregiver. Mom gives the medicine, always on schedule. They hold hands often. A friendship that sinks heart deep. Each holding onto the other, while both quietly fall apart. Coming to grips with this side of heaven.  Dad offers support. Solid. Steadfast.

Mercy.

Grace.

Physical reminders that this world is not our home.
"Our God is Greater" plays quietly. I see Sherry sing. Then I can't watch anymore. Tears spill down my face during the chorus. A worship leader....a TRUE worship leader that I have looked up to so often and always. Singing. Praising. Past the fears. Past the sorrows.

"How Great Is Our God"....more tears. Ugly cry going on. But...God is good. Always.

Good morning Monday

It's Monday again!

I guess the first day of the week HAD to be named...and No-fun-day would be too much to write out, and since Monday rhymed, it sorta stuck.

Or something like that.

I digress....

Here are a few of my favorite things about Monday...I'm so full of memories that my eyes burn. There's so much good, and just simply so much.

Anyhow...this weekend we celebrated as Aaron's oldest brother received good news...he can see and will recover over time. He was involved in a serious explosion that burned most of his upper body, at his job. Praise You Healer!!!

While the family was at the hospital, I stayed back with the kids and my father in law. Most of you know he's had a stroke back about 6 years ago. He wanted to know what was going on, so I sat on his bed & told him. Fathers have a tough role. Being strong in the midst of pain. His eyes filled with tears, yet in his way (as he cannot speak well) he gave me the "ok" sign. I tried to cheer him up. As I was transferring him to his wheel chair I made him promise that if I dropped him he couldn't tell a soul...;) he locked his legs, and I held him up/lifted him & we danced. Just like the old days. The days when he led and I followed. Those brief moments when his stoic personality would crack-just a bit. Being paralyzed now, years later, he cannot choose...but his eyes lit up and in his stroke-like-mask way, he smiled.

My morning routine has begun. Coffee in hand my books laid out to worship, and my girl is singing in her crib. My heart is full.

My mind keeps drifting to my sweet friend Sherry as she clings to this world. Our hope for healing on this side of eden, grows fragile as each day fades, but NEVER gives out. As I mentioned The Healer, even now He's at work. Being an impatient person, I want to see his work here on earth, not wait for the other shore. Selfish, I know.

Libbi is trying to crawl. She began eating real food and now it seems her growing is a constant as is her teething. And so it is.

Monday, Monday....

Such a good beginning. Here is a bit of encouragement from Eugene Peterson's Message:

"God, my shepherd! I don't need a thing. You have bedded me down in lush meadows, you find me quiet pools to drink from. True to your word, you let me catch my breath and send me in the right direction.

Even when the way goes through Death Valley, I'm not afraid when you walk at my side, Your trusty shepherd's crook makes me feel secure.

You serve me a six-course dinner right in front of my enemies. You revive my drooping head; my cup brims with blessing.

Your beauty and love chase after me every day of my life.

I'm back home in the house of GOD for the rest of my life."

Psalm 23

Morning has broken...me

It wasn't supposed to be this hard. 

Mornings aren't supposed to start this way, right? 

My toe found a piece of random glass that missed yesterday's multiple sweepings. My knee hit the dishwasher door as I was attempting my acrobatic balancing act after the toe incident. Libs awoke from all the craziness. *sigh* 

It's only 5:45am. 

I intended to get up early to read HIS message to me. Soak in the lyrical genius and melodious sonnets of worship, not the screeching cry from my crazy girl goat who trapped her head once again in the fence. (Feeling her pain only moments earlier with toe situation.)

All wasn't loss. In fact, He met me here in the midst if chaos. He always does. My cry for some normalcy in life is being answered. He's here and he's living me. Even my chaos. It's meeting the holy each time I breath His name: JESUS.

Not in curse but praise. 

This beautiful craziness of struggling for Christ-like-ness IS this "normal" I've been seeking. This is the only hell we will know this side of heaven. Finding those moments of quiet poses quite a challenge for me at times, but when I do, I praise instead of scream. Sing instead of swear. Listen instead if talk. Laugh and even cry.

Here's my encouragement for us all today: it only gets better! 

Jesus. 

Breath Him in. 

Wrap the toe; let the bruise heal. Get the goat out of the fence and feed the baby. If there isn't another quiet moment if this day, breath His name. 

Letting love explode inside of us is sure to cause a mess of chaos around us. 

 

#letlovewintoday

#breathethenameofjesus

Rain, Rain, Rain...

June 1st.

I looked at the past week in the rearview mirror.

Yes, I celebrated my 33rd birthday, but not before Aaron and I celebrated our 9th Anniversary. How is that possible? I love him more each year! =)

Libs is doing great! Rolling over....belly to back and now even back to belly. She giggles, grins, and is almost ready for some teeth! And real food! Her curls remain, yet her eyes are turning a lighter blue....simply a beauty!

Cade is thirlled for summer. His mohawk is getting cut tomorrow. He is anxiously awaiting Camp this year. A week full of fun, service in the kitchen (for me) and cabin leader (for Aaron).

Next month I am looking forward to celebrating my 2 year REMISSION!!! Praising Jesus!!!

I was out mowing shortly before writing this and you all know how I love to mow. While I was out there, Pandora was playing my favorite: Hymns for worship. That sounds all well and good, but I've been running. Both for exercise, and away from my daily readings. I know....not a great example for a Pastors Wife...

God and His great mercy allowed "How Great Thou Art" to play. The more it played the closer I felt Him. The rain started falling...Literally. A storm was blowing in. As the thunder rolled in the distance I started to have memories, fall like tears down my face. Thankful for the rain at this point b/c this girl can't do a pretty cry. I was in awesome wonder...considering all the worlds Thy hands have made. The work in my life, my families, my friends...I wanted to shout: MY GOD!!!! HOW GREAT THOU ART!!!!!

So I did.

In the midst of the rain.

While I mowed.

This broken girl has a long way to go ya'll. I hate writing sometimes. I hate sounding like a broken record to some or having people comment and/or recommend anti depressants.

It's my pride.

This Jesus girl hates to admit that she hurts. She struggles. And she sometimes HATES what shes gone through. But I'm keepin it real. Aaron keeps it real. God is good always...we just sometimes forget to praise Him for it daily.

Psalms 139 has been on my memorizing list for weeks now. As we (Aaron, myself, and my kids) journey in the way everlasting, we come across the things that hold us back....like anxious thoughts, offensive ways. But rest assured...He: The LORD of Hosts is there to guide us. He is fully capable and sufficient.

Where am I at with this?

Letting the rain fall. Letting the storm restore.




Allowing God to take back what I thought I'd given Him.

My heart is shouting, as joy fills my soul. He is good: even on the days that I'm running. It takes a storm sometimes, just to see How great He is!

Finding Normal...

I've been on a quest of finding my normal again.

Nothing has remained the same except my name. That may be a slight exaggeration, but not far from the truth.

Do you ever have those moments where you just want everything to be "normal" again? Funny thing is, when I think back to the times that I refer to as normal, they weren't that "normal" when I was in them.

I just got off the phone literally bawling with my mom. I want my normal back.

Like yesterday, let alone almost three years ago.

Every scar reminds me of where I've been and good things that God is doing. But I'm frustrated with some seemingly impossible barriers that have fallen in this path.

Let me just re-emphasize if I haven't already, that I HATE the side effects of treatment. Every person has a choice. For me I chose life, and with it, some pretty ugly meds. They run the gamut with side effects. Any and probably all have happened.

Time and time again I revisit this same exact spot of "sickandtiredofit".

I cry. Pray. Read scripture. Talk to people. Get angry. Cuss. Write. Blog. Cry some more.

Most of the time I get crazy looks, and remarks that go something like: "You have your life and now the rest of your life ahead of you....whats the big deal?" "You're treatment is over, its time to move on."

Recently a friend of mine broke her cell phone. She has been without it over a week now. She has forgotten appointments that were on the calendar. There is no reminder to keep important dates. Where am I going with this?

Life works well with a cell phone. You can keep everything in the palm of your hand. Snug in your pocket you can have your routine at your fingertips.

Our lives our much the same way. We get into routine and only when we are dumped out of it do we realize that we never had that much control anyway.

It wasn't my friends fault that her phone broke. It wasn't my fault that I got cancer. We can play the should-a-would-a-could-a game all day long and the end result is the same. Her phone is broke. Her normal is off.
I got cancer, and my normal is off...forever.  Understanding goes a lot further when we walk in anothers shoes, rather than with suggestions in words.

There aren't words to fix it.

Sometimes the best way to fix things is to let them be broken a while.
In this season of rest, I'm learning that I am still broken. Still growing. Still seeing the Goodness of the Lord in the Land of the Living.

But it hurts y'all.

Big time.

This new mama is keeping busy these days. Cade, Libbi, and yes, my goats. AND now I have some ducks. You can't have a pond without some ducks!

Keep the faith.

I promise, I'll keep trying too.

If you see my normal out there somewhere, send it my way. Until then, I'm starting fresh. Clean.
Living this dream with my life in front of me, one minute at a time....

Taking heart...

Good morning!

Well, actually another rainy day here. We are officially "removed" from the drought ban that has been on us for quite some time! Yeah!

A recap-

Cade is doing great. He continues to love school and is growing like crazy. Literally. He now has feet as big as my own, and his hands are almost the same size as mine. Where has the time flown to? My precious little baby boy of 8lbs is now a growing boy soon to be out of size 8 clothing. *sigh* He has grown up overnight. Especially since we have had Libbi. He is such a gem!

Speaking of Libs, she too is enjoying great health and growth. At almost 3 months old she now weighs 15 lbs, has continued to sleep through the night since we brought her home. She rolls over, smiles and coos. I love each stage they go through. Her favorite things are mommy and her bottle. She is a doll!

Aaron is still serving as pastor for our church. He is doing a great job. I'm so proud of him and the growth I've seen take place for all of us. Such a great sense of humor and dedication to all he does. What a guy!

As for myself, I am enjoying remission still! PTL!!! Had an appointment last week and all is stable and clear. What a relief! My writing, reading and hobbies have taken a slight hiatus for a bit as vacations happen, school is drawing to a quick close, and obligations have set in.

Each day is a gift. For all of us. My book is still in editing, yet would ask you to pray for my mom's dear friend Sherry and business partner. She is battling cancer for the second time and things are not as we had hoped. There is so much more I could fill you in on and will if time permits. So many things I  have been learning. Exciting opportunities. New changes. All of life is changing. A bit at a time, sort of like our Spring this year.

Don't lose hope. This season WILL come. It will have it's time and end, and then another new season will begin. It is right. Fitting. Just as it was created. And so it is with our lives.  I'm learning to cling to him as Cade grows up. Hold on to Him for wisdom concerning being a pastors wife. Strap myself to His chest as I learn to raise my children in the wisdom of the Lord, walk beside friends as they fight for life, love people as I should love and live my life through each season as I've been entrusted with to do. It is hard. I'm struggling, but find my salvation in His hands and in this verse:


"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." Ps. 27:13-14

Much love,

Erin

Winter snow....

We are under two feet of snow! Crazy!!!

Puts me in mind of the good ole days of Michigan, Echo Valley, Sledding, Skiing, Ah, the memories!

While wrapped in white, we (four) are settling in with games and movies. Hot Chocolate, popcorn, and the works! The little one sleeps while we eat. When she eats, we'd all like to be sleeping. And thus goes the cycle! =) We are loving every minute of it!

The power was off for about an hour and then came flashing back on. Oh are we thankful for electricity! The snow has now slowed, maybe even stopped. The baby sleeps, yet again. The boys are playing battleship in the basement and I am taking a minute to write.

I have been catching up with my reading schedule and I am currently in Job. (Yes I know...I'm still behind) but I have really enjoyed it. I have come to see a different side of the man who was tested beyond imagination. The guy who wept at the graves of his children while his friends criticized him for sinning. Wrong-doing. The suffering MUST have been a result of Job's sin. Right?

No.

I took the book and read and re-read through each chapter. I loved the part in his struggle where he attempts to wade through the murky mire of frustration while trying to argue FOR God, and wrestling with his own questions and anger TOWARDS Him.

Oh, How we've been there. Each of us on our knees. Bowed low because of some circumstance.

The snow drifts -much like our doubt. Yet melts as soon as the sun shines again. Somewhere between the cloudy snowstorm our faith seems buried in the powder white, crystal-like beauty. Packaged beauty in fragile little flakes. Each one different. Unique.

Unlike our first snowstorm, this one occurred when the temperatures were above freezing.
All the while, as the cold bites the soft skin on our cheeks, chaps our noses and freezes our eyelashes, I am reminded that even though our questions often times go unanswered....He is faithful. Even when we are faithless. The snow that is carried by the wind is still the breath of God moving through this earth, touching us every time we step outside. The wind carries the Lords command of action for the day. Rain. Snow. Whatever He wills.

Like Job: "I know that my redeemer lives, and that in the end He will stand on the earth....I myself will see him with my own eyes-I, and not another..." (Job 19:25-27)

The snow is melting. It melts because it is supposed to. Winter is never forever.

The fresh aroma of homemade chicken noodles hangs heavily in the air. Almost overpowered by the water/burn aroma smoldering next to it. I have no excuse. While I was writing, I forgot the boiling potatoes on the stove next to it.

Oops. =)

My thoughts today have often turned to the powerful words of Job's friends. How mis-guided, though well-intended. (I hope) How we've been here too! Oy!!!

Much like my burned water smell and the drifting snow banks of snow and the doubt that piles high during frustrating setbacks and devastating times........He (THE Lord) is sovereign. Good. Faithful.

The redeemer that Job praised? Yes, He lives! And one day when we see Him? He will cover our ugly doubt. Anger. Frustration.  Mis-guided words.

And He will make us pure.
White.

Just like the winter snow...

Thank you!

I just past 9pm as I sit down to write.

Where did this day go? This week? Even this year?!?! Since I wrote last we have celebrated Aaron's 29th birthday again....ahem. Valentines has come and gone. St. Patty's day is quickly approaching.

Aaron and I were just saying that we cannot remember a time in our lives where we felt more fulfilled. Life is always changing. But reaching this milestone in our lives where we have determined to be content, we are surprised that we are. Content, I mean. It isn't easy and won't be, but the assurance that as we seek His face, He will take us to higher ground. For now, for us, that means learning to be content and staying there though the way seems straight.

Cade is doing a great job as a big brother. He continues to keep us laughing with his hilarious comments- like asking me (in the middle of teaching PE) if my class was a democracy. ??? I love that boy!!!

Libbi is growing like a weed. She is officially 3 weeks old, and is sleeping 9-10 hours at night straight. She started this when we first got home. She smiles, coos, and holds her head better each day. We aren't quite out of newborn outfits, but pushing it and her hair...lets just say she has a lot and it sticks straight up! I love it!

Aaron is doing a fabulous job at church. We've been there close to 6 months now. Whew! It still feels so new! It is growing and keeping us busy. We are learning much, and love working together!

I am learning a lot too. Keeps me hopping with being a family of 4 now. I can't think of any other mother who gets to hold their babies while they fan themselves through a hot flash, but I'm loving it. For real!

Our family has been so blessed by so many of you! Thank you for your prayers, the gifts you have sent and the cards of encouragement! You will never know just how much that has meant to us!

Mom, Dad, and Sherry were able to come down for a visit last week. We loved having them and Cade loved to have his G'ma and G'pa time with them.

Our church family and some friends gave me a HUGE baby shower for Libbi and completely overwhelmed us with their generosity! Amazing!

My head keeps reminding me that I don't deserve it, but my heart soaks it in, parched after many years of self-defeating thoughts. I'm thankful for so much in my life I believe I could write all night. But I won't. For now I just wanted to leave you with an update on the family and let you know just how much you are all appreciated!!! Thank you!

My Secret....

I have a little secret.

To some, it may not be much.

I have told two people about my little idea, but they don't know that I've already started.

This year I get to celebrate my 33rd birthday. I feel about 60 most days. Regardless of my fleeting feelings or pains, I am THRILLED to celebrate life. Life abundantly. Abundant living.

My crazy plan began about the beginning of the year. I am endeavoring to come up with 33 random acts of kindness that I can give to others as my present to myself. To be honest, I was having some difficulty at first coming up with things I could do for someone, to someone, or just plan help with. I needed to start somewhere so I began with number 1. Then 2. Then I lost count. They came faster than I could keep track of.

I had decided to give myself this early gift because my birthday weekend falls on a holiday weekend and is crazy busy for our family.

You get the picture...nutzo.

This has been the BEST gift ever. Seriously. You each need to try it. Come up with stuff. Make some stuff. Need ideas? I'll share a few...

First I began going through every closet, nook and cranny I could find to de-clutter my home. I loved my stuff. I "needed" my stuff. I re-homed my stuff to individuals who needed it more.

I gave away my favorite purse to a stranger who said they liked it.

I made a purchase and gave a $$$ tip.

Helped push an invalid in his wheelchair as his elderly wife brought the car around. He asked me to go fast, so I did. (We both about got killed but) what a blast!

Picked up the neighbors trash and trashcans blowing around our street on a windy day.

In that moment, in the breeze, I heard His whisper...this is life. Living abundantly.

I don't always have those God moments, but I know He's there.

Why shouldn't I give away my stuff to others? Sometimes when we give, it doesn't hurt so we begin to grow accustomed to that feeling of giving without hurting and think that maybe when we give, it should never hurt.

I don't think Jesus gave a painless sacrifice.

As I mentioned, I have lost track. I have never had so many moments that just took my breath away; that I felt the very presence of the Lord; that I felt like I was beginning to see things as if for the first time. Each thing different. Happy people. Not so happy people. Grateful people, and not so grateful people. Either way they took it didn't matter to me.

My heartbeat picks up just a bit each time. I get that anticipation feeling when unwrapping each event. Like a Happy Birthday to me...everyday.

Makes this broken girl want to dance. Sing.

Sometimes I feel like a little girl again....with my little secret.

Overdue....part 2

Resolution..........

Just before Christmas I had a revelation. A big one.

You know what I mean? The kind that stop you in your tracks and make you ponder it. Pray about it. Put it on the back burner until you can finish thinking the thing through. Do you know what I mean?

The decorations had been up for weeks. Presents were purchased, wrapped and under the tree in record time.

In the early hours one morning as Aaron had just left for work, I sat in my chair doing my devotions.
I had been trying to keep my old resolution of reading through the Bible in a year. Again. And I didn't do so hot.

Again.

Anyone following me?

Regardless, I decided to read The Christmas Story.

People waiting in expectation for something that was different that what they thought.

Jesus. King of Kings........in a manger. A baby is not exactly throne-potential, but nonetheless they worshipped Him. Gave Him everything. Why? Because they believed in Him.

I caught myself being a bit melancholy as the season approached. Until I had realized the reason. It boiled down to this. I was disappointed. I was feeling let down by the swaddled wrapped King. I had felt as if I'd been given a promise of a baby. A girl. Surely it would be by now, right?

But you know what? He hadn't said yes up to this point. I wasn't feeling like a "no" but waiting, hoping, praying, and holding out- Wait. Was that it? The WAITING? Waiting for something I thought He was going to give me? Holding out for it and at the same time holding that part of me out too? Not volunteering b/c I "may" get a baby. Not making the extra room into an office because "what if" was an all too familiar question that had plagued us for 5 long disappointing years.

The disappointment by those who were intent on worshiping the King was short lived by the worshipers. God heard. He knew. He provided.

He did the same for me. He gave me life. My husband. My son. Our church. This heart to adopt? Perhaps he gave us that to love HIS children as He loves us. To love on them as we would our own.

I began to see what He HAD given us. The "yes's" were EVERYWHERE.

I was on to something. The part of my heart I held back, led to me not giving my all in others areas. All because I thought I KNEW what I was looking for. Sorta like putting a baby on a throne to rule. Seems sorta silly now as I look through hindsight. God has given me more than I ever hoped for.

The weight of the 5 years of waiting was gone. Lifted.
I felt joy. The old Erin coming around again. I'd been so focused on waiting for the Royal purple and crowned figure to just pop up out of the crowd, that I was overlooking the King of Kings in the manger. Born that we would have life. Shown to the shepherds who raised sacrificial lambs as THE Lamb of God who would take away the sins of the world. Shown to men who thought themselves wise, that HE would be the only wise KING.

He promised me what? Himself. His presence. Emmanuel.

If we never adopt? All the "what ifs"? All of it is in His hands. But what are we going to do with what He HAS given us?

We will worship. We will serve Him.

Honestly?

I have no disappointment. TRULY. My heart is free. And when I bring my gifts to Him, they are with everything I have.

My new resolution? To stay in the word. Because even though I haven't been able to keep up my end of things, His Word is STILL changing me because He completed His....

PS
I did make a second resolution to redecorate the extra room into an office, but that will have to be part 2.
I was in the middle of repainting that room when.......

Healing is in Your Hands....

The nights don't seem as restless now. Only the occaisional insomnia remains. The scars are fading as time continues on. The steady cadence of rythym. Tick tock. So much to do and say and want and to fight for in those 60 seconds of beat. One at a time goes quickly past. And yet we remain. Almost all of us.

I struggle to comprehend the Maker at times. Not because of who He is but His ways. So much higher than mine, I am often left to ponder what He is up to. But I'm never alone. He hears. He sees. He knows. He is Emmanuel. The God with us that remains through each ticking of time. Through the steady rythym of life. Far past the twinkling of lights and the tinsel on trees.

Every breath is precious. Every life is sacred...being a part of who HE is. His image.

My thoughts run to the absolute opposites that inhabit our days. I recieve good news. (praise!!!) Yet I read of a sweet friend who is struggling. Grasping at life as evening begins to fade into midnight as her days are almost numbered to the exact completion of the One who breathed them into being. An absolute. Total. Each one counted by name.

I find it difficult at times to grasp fully the questions and concerns that often permeate my day. "Why so down? You have your life in front of you!" "Don't worry about them, that isn't your life- it's theirs." "I can't understand the disappointment you feel at this point....hasn't He given you everything you prayed for?"

As a beautiful friend recently mentioned in her post- "I'm human!" Yes, we think. We feel. We have the same emotions. Different Gifts.

Mine is to write. To teach. To bring into black and white the vivid color pictures of our thoughts. The deepest longings of our hearts. They are real, though unreliable. And so is HE....

This past beginning...the NEW YEAR was a milestone for me. Two years. TWO YEARS. How can it be? Flipping through old photographs reminds me of the places I've been, encourages me on the road I'm on, and propells me forward to the places I'll go. Each one new. Unique. Especially for me. Just as they do for you.

I try not to judge, though I'm "blessed" with things like cussing thoughts. No, not words, but thoughts that if said would be as offensive as a curse word. Bitter, vile, and they don't return. If spoken they go out and hurt. Wound. Destroy. Much like a enemy I read about in His Holy Word.

Treat them as dust. Wipe them away. Whether they be thoughts, words or actions, shake them off your feet. You were made for more.

I leave you today with a thought. A song really. By the great Christy Nockles. "Healing is in Your Hands"

"No mountain. No valley. No gain or loss we know.

Could keep us from Your love.

No sickness. No secret. No chain is strong enough.

To keep us from You love.

How high. How wide. No matter where I am.

Healing is in Your hands.

Our present. Our future. Our past is in Your hands.

We're covered by Your blood.

How high. How wide. No matter where I am.

Healing is in Your hands.

How deep. How strong. Now by Your grace I stand.

Healing is in Your hands.

In all things. We know that.

We are more than conquerors.

You keep us by Your love."

Stay kept in His love. Embraced today. It's a place I long to stay. It's a place I am learning to abide. I stumbled here and have been changed. Forever.

Leave the healing to Him.

It's in His hands.