Saturday, January 29, 2011
Bald and thinking of something beautiful......
So today was the day. My hair was fine if I didn't touch it, but then kept coming out and shedding everywhere. Gross I know! I will spare you the details....except to say that I am now bald. The funny part, was when Aaron was cutting my hair he says, "wow! You've got a great head! Mine is full of dips and crevices...I have head-envy!" LOL! You have to laugh going through this. Yes, those are tears in the eyes. None of this is easy. Have a great day blog readers! =)
Friday, January 28, 2011
This and that....
Today finds us going outside to play in our rapidly decreasing snow. We live at the back of a culdesac, where they pile the snow in our front yard. Since we have such an abundance right now, we are making a little snow family. (will post pics later) My job is to collect enough carrots and eyes and mouths for each member of the "family."
Hair cuts for the boys after that. I did notice my hair is getting thinner. I cried and cried today when I realized what was happening. I guess that is why making the snow family seems like so much fun- a diversion, but a much needed one at that! By this coming Thursday, my hair should be gone. Crazy to think about much less go through. I plan on cutting my hair on Wed. or sooner if necessary. Have I mentioned lately that there are times where I just HATE this?
Blessings are abundant as we have had meals each week, this week bringing them to a close. Such a wonderful gift from our faith family! They have helped with Cade, etc. I felt pretty good thru my treatment and then for two days afterward just felt SO incredibly tired. It felt like a lead suit of armor that I was dragging with me. As quick as it came on, it was gone on Thursday pm. Almost 36 hours after my first dose. I have to go in every day for the 8 weeks for injections to keep my white blood cell count up. Praying that everything stays on track! Lord willing if it does...I will be able to make my brothers wedding in July. I will finish the last of my treatment on the 21st and his wedding is the 23rd. I have high hopes....=) (and also a large dose of reality...but one can still hope!)
Had a great evening last night with some friends who have just had a little boy of their own! What a blessed addition to their family! It was fun to hold a newborn again. No, it didn't put me in the mood for another...if anything, confirmed to me that we are done at least for now (besides every time we "say" we are going to do this or that, the Lord has other plans)....now it is time to love on everyone elses! I LOVE that part! =) Who doesn't like little babies???Many of you knew that we were going through Catholic Charities to adopt a little girl. Oddly enough, we found out we were done and ready to go basically the same day I found out I had cancer. Crazy, huh? We have since put that on hold and are seeking wisdom on this. They have you wait in these types of situations, but it also limits you(us) getting chosen b/c of my diagnosis. Each time we have gotten to this part, there has been some situation or other come up making it impossible. I am finally content with just one if that is to be. And perhaps should have been here at this place all along. Either way, we are OK, and moving forward to a new and exciting season in life....being DONE with cancer, and in the direction of ministry the Lord desires.
Looking forward to this week. We have so many fun things planned. Carefully, yes, but FUN is involved! As most of you know, we were blessed to have two wonderful little boys with us for almost 9 months. They are now with their soon to be adoptive parents and guess what? If all goes as planned, we get to see them on Monday! I am SO excited about this! They are both doing great and have WONDERFUL parents, whose love and devotion to them have brought them through SO incredibly much! We were so thankful to be part of their lives then, and now, in any way, big or small. It has been almost a year since we have seen them last. Yes, I will have my camera, but will check with their mama for if and when I can post. God is Good! My heart is full, but loving the fact that He knows just when to send us a smile on days like today, full of this and that.....
Hair cuts for the boys after that. I did notice my hair is getting thinner. I cried and cried today when I realized what was happening. I guess that is why making the snow family seems like so much fun- a diversion, but a much needed one at that! By this coming Thursday, my hair should be gone. Crazy to think about much less go through. I plan on cutting my hair on Wed. or sooner if necessary. Have I mentioned lately that there are times where I just HATE this?
Blessings are abundant as we have had meals each week, this week bringing them to a close. Such a wonderful gift from our faith family! They have helped with Cade, etc. I felt pretty good thru my treatment and then for two days afterward just felt SO incredibly tired. It felt like a lead suit of armor that I was dragging with me. As quick as it came on, it was gone on Thursday pm. Almost 36 hours after my first dose. I have to go in every day for the 8 weeks for injections to keep my white blood cell count up. Praying that everything stays on track! Lord willing if it does...I will be able to make my brothers wedding in July. I will finish the last of my treatment on the 21st and his wedding is the 23rd. I have high hopes....=) (and also a large dose of reality...but one can still hope!)
Had a great evening last night with some friends who have just had a little boy of their own! What a blessed addition to their family! It was fun to hold a newborn again. No, it didn't put me in the mood for another...if anything, confirmed to me that we are done at least for now (besides every time we "say" we are going to do this or that, the Lord has other plans)....now it is time to love on everyone elses! I LOVE that part! =) Who doesn't like little babies???Many of you knew that we were going through Catholic Charities to adopt a little girl. Oddly enough, we found out we were done and ready to go basically the same day I found out I had cancer. Crazy, huh? We have since put that on hold and are seeking wisdom on this. They have you wait in these types of situations, but it also limits you(us) getting chosen b/c of my diagnosis. Each time we have gotten to this part, there has been some situation or other come up making it impossible. I am finally content with just one if that is to be. And perhaps should have been here at this place all along. Either way, we are OK, and moving forward to a new and exciting season in life....being DONE with cancer, and in the direction of ministry the Lord desires.
Looking forward to this week. We have so many fun things planned. Carefully, yes, but FUN is involved! As most of you know, we were blessed to have two wonderful little boys with us for almost 9 months. They are now with their soon to be adoptive parents and guess what? If all goes as planned, we get to see them on Monday! I am SO excited about this! They are both doing great and have WONDERFUL parents, whose love and devotion to them have brought them through SO incredibly much! We were so thankful to be part of their lives then, and now, in any way, big or small. It has been almost a year since we have seen them last. Yes, I will have my camera, but will check with their mama for if and when I can post. God is Good! My heart is full, but loving the fact that He knows just when to send us a smile on days like today, full of this and that.....
Monday, January 24, 2011
Lady in "Red"......
I love the color RED. I always have. It is such a happy, cheerful color!
I wasn't loving it so much today when they came in with the chemo med and it was bright red....and called the "RED DEVIL". Wonderful! Could I have two??!?!?!? Sounds great! (just kidding) Actually, she had to hand give it thru my port but pushing thru a syringe. It took about an hour and she had about 8 huge syringes full. I'm not stingy, she could have shared the rest with someone else! The next one took about 1.5 hours. Let's just say they have a loose time schedule there....I arrived at 10 am for my appt. and just got home @ 6:30pm!
Feeling queasy and not into food at all. Not bad however, after getting home and warm again.
Don't know if this is normal or not, but hotflashes have begun. (sorry guys) WOW! Plus what goes in red, exits the same way...disturbing I know. When reading the side effects makes you want to run for the hills, but then again go and read the back of a Tylenol bottle!
Praying my way through this...moment by moment. Yes, God is STILL good. I came home and cried. I hate feeling sick and tired. Today was the first day I woke up to no pain and really feeling good. Now to this is disappointing, but knowing it isn't forever is a huge plus.
I started to think about the blood that was spilled for all of us, so we may know the One, True God. That, too was red, but makes us white as snow. And while reading the easter story/drama that my dear friend Raelene is writing for out church, it reminded me that it was the devil who thought he had won, but indeed he has not. He knows his end. And as for this "Red Devil?" This too shall end. It is through the "giving" of this red medicine that very soon my body will be pure and clean of cancer cells.
To Jesus, be all the glory!
I wasn't loving it so much today when they came in with the chemo med and it was bright red....and called the "RED DEVIL". Wonderful! Could I have two??!?!?!? Sounds great! (just kidding) Actually, she had to hand give it thru my port but pushing thru a syringe. It took about an hour and she had about 8 huge syringes full. I'm not stingy, she could have shared the rest with someone else! The next one took about 1.5 hours. Let's just say they have a loose time schedule there....I arrived at 10 am for my appt. and just got home @ 6:30pm!
Feeling queasy and not into food at all. Not bad however, after getting home and warm again.
Don't know if this is normal or not, but hotflashes have begun. (sorry guys) WOW! Plus what goes in red, exits the same way...disturbing I know. When reading the side effects makes you want to run for the hills, but then again go and read the back of a Tylenol bottle!
Praying my way through this...moment by moment. Yes, God is STILL good. I came home and cried. I hate feeling sick and tired. Today was the first day I woke up to no pain and really feeling good. Now to this is disappointing, but knowing it isn't forever is a huge plus.
I started to think about the blood that was spilled for all of us, so we may know the One, True God. That, too was red, but makes us white as snow. And while reading the easter story/drama that my dear friend Raelene is writing for out church, it reminded me that it was the devil who thought he had won, but indeed he has not. He knows his end. And as for this "Red Devil?" This too shall end. It is through the "giving" of this red medicine that very soon my body will be pure and clean of cancer cells.
To Jesus, be all the glory!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Carrying on.....
So many nights of late, have been spent laying wide awake and just thinking. No, not even worrying. Just thinking. Sometimes my mind is so full and my body is too tired to write at 2am. so I just think and consider all that I am grateful for:
-Aaron and Cade
-Family and Friends
-Bloodwork coming back normal
-Medicine to make the sick well
-The healing power of the Creator who is able to do exceedingly more than just healing
-And time
I don't have a lot to say except sharing about today. I could tell I needed to write again b/c I was beginning to withdrawl. Like I said before that is my "normal" way of doing things. Just sort of shut down and go thru it myself, but as I have previously shared, the Lord is asking for something more...surrender and vulnerability/humility go hand in hand. SO here goes....
Today in church I was playing the Keyboard and we were right in the middle of singing a chorus...."You are the God who saves us....worthy of all our praises...Hosanna" when I look up and see every single woman in the sanctuary had pinned a large pink awareness ribbon to their shirts in support of me. I cried some, but came home and sobbed this evening.
The same was true a little bit later....
The ladies had gotten together and put on a meal followed by a Hat and Scarf Party. I did OK during the party, but as I was sorting and writing thankyou notes, my heart was so full and my eyes spilled over.
It is awkward. I have always been on the giving side of things and finding myself on the recieving end is a constant battle with my pride. It is moments like those mentioned above, where I am allowed to fall, but on to a soft landing (the arms of friends and ALWAYS in the arms of Jesus).
I thought I would share a picture that was taken this summer of several of us "girls" when we were at a class party. There is such a parallel of our life in this snapshot. Sometimes we are on the top and other times we are on the bottom. Each position has its pressure points and we all feel it if one of us is off, so much like life. At times we all fall together, but the beauty of friendships is this....a multiple-stranded cord is rarely broken. We try, try and try again until we succeed. Together, united- we can do anything! It is up to each of us to do our part and keep carrying on....
-Aaron and Cade
-Family and Friends
-Bloodwork coming back normal
-Medicine to make the sick well
-The healing power of the Creator who is able to do exceedingly more than just healing
-And time
I don't have a lot to say except sharing about today. I could tell I needed to write again b/c I was beginning to withdrawl. Like I said before that is my "normal" way of doing things. Just sort of shut down and go thru it myself, but as I have previously shared, the Lord is asking for something more...surrender and vulnerability/humility go hand in hand. SO here goes....
Today in church I was playing the Keyboard and we were right in the middle of singing a chorus...."You are the God who saves us....worthy of all our praises...Hosanna" when I look up and see every single woman in the sanctuary had pinned a large pink awareness ribbon to their shirts in support of me. I cried some, but came home and sobbed this evening.
The same was true a little bit later....
The ladies had gotten together and put on a meal followed by a Hat and Scarf Party. I did OK during the party, but as I was sorting and writing thankyou notes, my heart was so full and my eyes spilled over.
It is awkward. I have always been on the giving side of things and finding myself on the recieving end is a constant battle with my pride. It is moments like those mentioned above, where I am allowed to fall, but on to a soft landing (the arms of friends and ALWAYS in the arms of Jesus).
I thought I would share a picture that was taken this summer of several of us "girls" when we were at a class party. There is such a parallel of our life in this snapshot. Sometimes we are on the top and other times we are on the bottom. Each position has its pressure points and we all feel it if one of us is off, so much like life. At times we all fall together, but the beauty of friendships is this....a multiple-stranded cord is rarely broken. We try, try and try again until we succeed. Together, united- we can do anything! It is up to each of us to do our part and keep carrying on....
Friday, January 21, 2011
Friends......
Today finds us buried in SNOW! It has been like this for a couple of days, and I hear we are expecting more today and Sunday! It is beginning to look like Michigan around here. =) Good memories!
This week Cade has had the flu. As I have said before, I cannot complain b/c he has never had it. At least the stomach bug. He wasn't even sure what happened. =) Thankful it was just once! The headache, fever and aches hung on a little longer, but we are again PTL that Aaron and I haven't had the same. That would not be good right now!
Chemo begins on Monday. Crazy how fast things come up on you when you are really dreading it! Lord willing I will have little to NO side effects! I am still not "OK" w/ being bald, but perhaps it is just more of what I am expecting to feel than the actual going bald part itself....if that makes any sense. I see my Oncologist today for the orders and bld wk. I will just say that averaging 3 appts. per week is getting OLD. Just complaining here a little, sorry!
This week has allowed me to catch up on so many meaningful phone conversations w/ friends near and far. I am looking forward to much more of this. It has really amazed me w/ how precious and meaningful friendship is. There are some friends that you wish you could erase some of the history w/ but keep only the good parts, and still others where the history is priceless and you could never replace it! I don't know how people can be an island during times like these- take that back- I CAN see how they could, but why would you when you have so many awesome people who are ready and willing to help you, pray for you, or just send you a note? It helps to be carried. This is teaching me a great deal about how to BE a friend and realize just how wonderful the friends that I have are.
Sunday, my friends are giving me a Hat and Scarf party. It is where they make or bring one of the above to the party for me and we just celebrate. Celebrate life, friendship and each season thru this. There is going to me a yummy meal followed by delicious cake and wonderful fellowship. How awesome is that? More than the food, I was thinking about the caring, and outpouring of love. Friends that go to that length to make you feel overwhelmed with love and showing in every way just how much they care and wish to be involved....thru the good and the bad is truly humbling. They have been there with tears when they don't know what to say, and then again with laughter, as there are truly hilarious things that happen. It is OK to laugh. How thankful I am for that! I hope I have the biggest smile/laugh wrinkles when I am old, and look back on this time with a smile...and gratefulness, for the beautiful gift of FRIENDS!
L to R: Heather, Rachelle, Jana, Teresa, Jerilyn, myself, Terry, and Amanda was taking the pic., Angie had to leave prior to this...but what a group! I am incredibly blessed by ALL of my wonderful, beautiful friends!You all are priceless. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
This week Cade has had the flu. As I have said before, I cannot complain b/c he has never had it. At least the stomach bug. He wasn't even sure what happened. =) Thankful it was just once! The headache, fever and aches hung on a little longer, but we are again PTL that Aaron and I haven't had the same. That would not be good right now!
Chemo begins on Monday. Crazy how fast things come up on you when you are really dreading it! Lord willing I will have little to NO side effects! I am still not "OK" w/ being bald, but perhaps it is just more of what I am expecting to feel than the actual going bald part itself....if that makes any sense. I see my Oncologist today for the orders and bld wk. I will just say that averaging 3 appts. per week is getting OLD. Just complaining here a little, sorry!
This week has allowed me to catch up on so many meaningful phone conversations w/ friends near and far. I am looking forward to much more of this. It has really amazed me w/ how precious and meaningful friendship is. There are some friends that you wish you could erase some of the history w/ but keep only the good parts, and still others where the history is priceless and you could never replace it! I don't know how people can be an island during times like these- take that back- I CAN see how they could, but why would you when you have so many awesome people who are ready and willing to help you, pray for you, or just send you a note? It helps to be carried. This is teaching me a great deal about how to BE a friend and realize just how wonderful the friends that I have are.
Sunday, my friends are giving me a Hat and Scarf party. It is where they make or bring one of the above to the party for me and we just celebrate. Celebrate life, friendship and each season thru this. There is going to me a yummy meal followed by delicious cake and wonderful fellowship. How awesome is that? More than the food, I was thinking about the caring, and outpouring of love. Friends that go to that length to make you feel overwhelmed with love and showing in every way just how much they care and wish to be involved....thru the good and the bad is truly humbling. They have been there with tears when they don't know what to say, and then again with laughter, as there are truly hilarious things that happen. It is OK to laugh. How thankful I am for that! I hope I have the biggest smile/laugh wrinkles when I am old, and look back on this time with a smile...and gratefulness, for the beautiful gift of FRIENDS!
Look at those beauties in the background! That is TRUE support...cameras and a good laugh ready! BTW...be on the lookout for the "blue"....=)
Monday, January 17, 2011
An Ordinary Day...
I love days like today. It is what I like to call "ordinary."
Cade went with some friends this morning to FUN RUN, and Aaron and I were able to run some errands that we were way behind on.
It is days like today that remind me of "the good 'ole days!"
Carefree, relaxed, and comfortable.
Tonight finds us playing the Wii. I will put that loosely b/c Aaron and Cade command the remotes, I am just their "cheer leader" in golf- if there is such a thing.
I am convinced that the Lord gives us these days to remember and not forget all that He has brought us through and going to do in our lives. And to look forward with expectation for Him to move. So......we wait. In the quiet. In the carefree, relaxed and comfortable. But then again I stop and smile, for life with God is NEVER just "An Ordinary Day."
Cade went with some friends this morning to FUN RUN, and Aaron and I were able to run some errands that we were way behind on.
It is days like today that remind me of "the good 'ole days!"
Carefree, relaxed, and comfortable.
Tonight finds us playing the Wii. I will put that loosely b/c Aaron and Cade command the remotes, I am just their "cheer leader" in golf- if there is such a thing.
I am convinced that the Lord gives us these days to remember and not forget all that He has brought us through and going to do in our lives. And to look forward with expectation for Him to move. So......we wait. In the quiet. In the carefree, relaxed and comfortable. But then again I stop and smile, for life with God is NEVER just "An Ordinary Day."
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Wig time!!!
Well, we went shopping for wigs. When I say we- there were nine of us! Rachelle, Angie, Jeri, Theresa, Amanda, Terri, Jana, Heather and myself. I will post the group picture later, but I thought I would share what I have.
I really thought I would be super emotional. At first when we walked in the shop, I felt like sobbing, and then I thought, "you know, it is only for 6 months. I can do this! Who cares how "bad" I look....no one looks super "great" during this!" The girls were great sports. I tried on some cute wigs and then some not so cute wigs. Lets just say....WOW! Wow, as in...one of the first wigs the woman "just knew" I would look good in, looked like Dolly Parton- NOT KIDDING! It was SO difficult not to laugh....I certainly didn't want to offend her. And then there was the blue one...
It was a great time with LOTS of laughs.
We went to two different places and then had lunch at Olive Garden. What a great group of girls. So thankful for the love and support they give me.
Here are the two I bought.
I really thought I would be super emotional. At first when we walked in the shop, I felt like sobbing, and then I thought, "you know, it is only for 6 months. I can do this! Who cares how "bad" I look....no one looks super "great" during this!" The girls were great sports. I tried on some cute wigs and then some not so cute wigs. Lets just say....WOW! Wow, as in...one of the first wigs the woman "just knew" I would look good in, looked like Dolly Parton- NOT KIDDING! It was SO difficult not to laugh....I certainly didn't want to offend her. And then there was the blue one...
It was a great time with LOTS of laughs.
We went to two different places and then had lunch at Olive Garden. What a great group of girls. So thankful for the love and support they give me.
Here are the two I bought.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Faith....
Below is an article I wrote for our church newsletter. Just some things that were on my heart. I hope it brings encouragement to you today as we press on!
Faith Is the VictoryBy Erin Shafer
There isn’t a memory of mine that doesn’t include music on my mom’s side of the family. We have often joked that if you can’t sing, just sing louder! That will force the good singers forward and the result is perfect harmony. It seems as if the music gets sweeter as time marches on. Perhaps it is the weathering that we receive when walking thru life that changes our perspective, but I have seen that family’s have a bond that goes much deeper than blood, like what is seen in our faith family.
No one ever desires to go through cancer, much less the long, difficult treatment that follows. But, that is exactly the road the Lord is taking me on, and I am learning so much. It truly is humbling. Not only has the outpouring of love and support brought us low, but the pain, grief, and fear have brought us to our knees. It has shaken the very core of what I believe, and shown me a side of God that I asked Him to show me. His GOODNESS. Yes, thru cancer, in surgery, my weakness, pain, disappointment and even in my grief. HE IS GOOD.
I see the battle scars that many wear. Illness. Death of a spouse or child. Physical, mental, or emotional disabilities. Tragedy. Sadly, the list could go on. Yet, I have seen and heard a beautiful harmony out of our faith family, as those who are going thru or have overcome these things sing louder. The shared faith and hope we have in Jesus alone, is a song/battle cry for all of us to join in singing, to show the world the hope of Jesus. He has OVERCOME this world.
The road we have all been given to walk is not easy. But, there is a freedom in surrendering to Jesus and a peace in letting go. Really trusting in Him. Will you join me? Let’s sing well, my friend. Sing loud! Through our pain/trials we have an opportunity for our faith to become sight. To say like Job, "My ears had heard of you, but now my eyes have seen you." (Job 42:5) When we keep our eyes on Jesus and allow Him to finish His work, we can hear the beautiful, blended harmony. To "taste and see the Lord is good."(Ps. 34:8) Our faith in Jesus, is the victory that overcomes the world.
Faith Is the VictoryBy Erin Shafer
There isn’t a memory of mine that doesn’t include music on my mom’s side of the family. We have often joked that if you can’t sing, just sing louder! That will force the good singers forward and the result is perfect harmony. It seems as if the music gets sweeter as time marches on. Perhaps it is the weathering that we receive when walking thru life that changes our perspective, but I have seen that family’s have a bond that goes much deeper than blood, like what is seen in our faith family.
No one ever desires to go through cancer, much less the long, difficult treatment that follows. But, that is exactly the road the Lord is taking me on, and I am learning so much. It truly is humbling. Not only has the outpouring of love and support brought us low, but the pain, grief, and fear have brought us to our knees. It has shaken the very core of what I believe, and shown me a side of God that I asked Him to show me. His GOODNESS. Yes, thru cancer, in surgery, my weakness, pain, disappointment and even in my grief. HE IS GOOD.
I see the battle scars that many wear. Illness. Death of a spouse or child. Physical, mental, or emotional disabilities. Tragedy. Sadly, the list could go on. Yet, I have seen and heard a beautiful harmony out of our faith family, as those who are going thru or have overcome these things sing louder. The shared faith and hope we have in Jesus alone, is a song/battle cry for all of us to join in singing, to show the world the hope of Jesus. He has OVERCOME this world.
The road we have all been given to walk is not easy. But, there is a freedom in surrendering to Jesus and a peace in letting go. Really trusting in Him. Will you join me? Let’s sing well, my friend. Sing loud! Through our pain/trials we have an opportunity for our faith to become sight. To say like Job, "My ears had heard of you, but now my eyes have seen you." (Job 42:5) When we keep our eyes on Jesus and allow Him to finish His work, we can hear the beautiful, blended harmony. To "taste and see the Lord is good."(Ps. 34:8) Our faith in Jesus, is the victory that overcomes the world.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Home Sweet Home....
Home and resting. Feels like I have been punched in the shoulder- HARD! Really different feeling. They put this triangular looking port under my skin approx. 3 inches below my collar bone. It has a long catheter tubing attached that goes thru the vein under my collar bone and down by my heart. (Note to self: read/see the picture AFTER surgery.) That really grossed me out! =)
Thanks so much for your prayers! It was funny b/c I was looking for a butterfly and didn't see one....until the surgical tech turned around and had one on her head wear! That was cool!
Also, the nurse that I had told me his wife had the same thing I did. She was 29 when she was diagnosed and that was six years ago. She is doing great. They too have one little boy. Isn't it awesome how the Lord works? Just enough encouragement, right when you need it.
Was able to see my good friend Missi while there too!
I'm still a little dizzy from the meds/anesthetic so I'm headed back to the Lazy-boy. Hope you all have a wonderful day!
Thanks so much for your prayers! It was funny b/c I was looking for a butterfly and didn't see one....until the surgical tech turned around and had one on her head wear! That was cool!
Also, the nurse that I had told me his wife had the same thing I did. She was 29 when she was diagnosed and that was six years ago. She is doing great. They too have one little boy. Isn't it awesome how the Lord works? Just enough encouragement, right when you need it.
Was able to see my good friend Missi while there too!
I'm still a little dizzy from the meds/anesthetic so I'm headed back to the Lazy-boy. Hope you all have a wonderful day!
Monday, January 10, 2011
Another Round....
I am off to surgery again tomorrow morning.
They are putting in a Chemo port, for easy access for the upcoming treatments.
Lord willing it will be a simple and quick deal. Supposed to be approx. 45 mins.
I was scheduled and re-scheduled, and the humorous thing was, I wasn't able to go to the pre-op stuff. They did most of it for my other surgery, so tomorrow they will do some bloodwork, etc. While I was on the phone with the nurse answering questions and things, she was like, "are you going to be home tonight?" Me: "yes, I'm pretty sure." Her: "Well, I just wanted to you to have this soap and instructions and instead of your husband picking them up at the hospital, I will just drop them off for you if that is OK. I live right down the road from you. That will save you an extra trip out tonight and you know, I was looking at what you are having to deal with, and maybe this little part will be a blessing for you during this time. We don't do this for everyone....well, really no one! Hope you have a great day and I'm sure hoping you have a quick and full recovery!"
See? The craziest stuff with the biggest impact happens! God is SO good and I KNOW that He will be with me tomorrow, because He never left.
They are putting in a Chemo port, for easy access for the upcoming treatments.
Lord willing it will be a simple and quick deal. Supposed to be approx. 45 mins.
I was scheduled and re-scheduled, and the humorous thing was, I wasn't able to go to the pre-op stuff. They did most of it for my other surgery, so tomorrow they will do some bloodwork, etc. While I was on the phone with the nurse answering questions and things, she was like, "are you going to be home tonight?" Me: "yes, I'm pretty sure." Her: "Well, I just wanted to you to have this soap and instructions and instead of your husband picking them up at the hospital, I will just drop them off for you if that is OK. I live right down the road from you. That will save you an extra trip out tonight and you know, I was looking at what you are having to deal with, and maybe this little part will be a blessing for you during this time. We don't do this for everyone....well, really no one! Hope you have a great day and I'm sure hoping you have a quick and full recovery!"
See? The craziest stuff with the biggest impact happens! God is SO good and I KNOW that He will be with me tomorrow, because He never left.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Going thru the motions....
So often in life we just go through the motions. Get up, ignore exercise, kids off to school, clean, dinner, dishes, laundry, etc. We do most of this w/o thinking. Just ask Aaron about the shirts, etc. that I have turned pink! I didn't even do it for Breast Cancer Awareness- just pure "habit". LOL At least we look "aware!" =)
These past three days have been difficult for me. Being vulnerable to the tests, etc. I have had to go thru are just some of the things that just set me off to being completely overwhelmed. I realized my little routine was getting more and more messed up and I hear the nurses tell me to just live life normally. Difficult to do bouncing around childcare, meals, appointments, pain pills, sleep, etc. I realized last night that I just had to have some "me" time. No phone, email, nothing. Just sit in the quiet, watch a movie. Nothing. LOVED it. Aaron and Cade were at worship team practice, so the house was mine!
It is interesting to me how the Lord is using this not only in my life, but in the lives of so many. I just checked the stats and I have had 5,500 readers from 12 different countries. I am truly humbled. It literally brings me to tears. "Why" is a question I am very familiar with, but growing more comfortable with each day. I don't know. I have spent three days "worried, stessed and fearful" of the what if's.....I had to stop last night and think. To remember exactly what I felt and "knew" at the beginning of this thing. I remember specifically reading that "God doesn't give us grace to overcome our fears- He gives us grace when when we need it." I don't know if you caught that or not....but we don't need grace at that moment we are fearing. We need forgiveness. FEAR is the ENEMY'S tactic to get our MINDS OFF OF CHRIST. FEAR = SIN. I was going thru the motions of what I used to do on a daily basis. I can promise you- nothing will prepare you for a tragedy in your life, no matter how hard you try to prepare yourself by worrying or "planning".
Tues. I am scheduled for another surgery to put in the Chemo Port. UGH. But, I am determined to keep on keeping on. Very slowly these days, but also carefully. I don't want to keep just going thru the motions of this life. I want to do more. Be more. Yes, to change. For the better. I know there will be grace for that, b/c He has allowed this to strengthen me, my family and friends. (I'll include you, too!) I know, b/c I need it. We all need it. We cannot fight this battle or any battle in life on our own.
I plan on posting pics of the "new" me when I am bald. I have struggled with this. Honestly, if I could- I probably wouldn't have shared ANY of this with anyone, but I am doing it out of obedience. So that the LORD is glorified, not me. It sure helps the humility out! =)
Monday I am planning on going shopping for my wigs, my scarves and the rest of my "head wear". I've got some great girlfriends going along...we're going to celebrate! Why not? If you have to go thru it, enjoy the ride. Otherwise....I would just be going thru the motions.....
These past three days have been difficult for me. Being vulnerable to the tests, etc. I have had to go thru are just some of the things that just set me off to being completely overwhelmed. I realized my little routine was getting more and more messed up and I hear the nurses tell me to just live life normally. Difficult to do bouncing around childcare, meals, appointments, pain pills, sleep, etc. I realized last night that I just had to have some "me" time. No phone, email, nothing. Just sit in the quiet, watch a movie. Nothing. LOVED it. Aaron and Cade were at worship team practice, so the house was mine!
It is interesting to me how the Lord is using this not only in my life, but in the lives of so many. I just checked the stats and I have had 5,500 readers from 12 different countries. I am truly humbled. It literally brings me to tears. "Why" is a question I am very familiar with, but growing more comfortable with each day. I don't know. I have spent three days "worried, stessed and fearful" of the what if's.....I had to stop last night and think. To remember exactly what I felt and "knew" at the beginning of this thing. I remember specifically reading that "God doesn't give us grace to overcome our fears- He gives us grace when when we need it." I don't know if you caught that or not....but we don't need grace at that moment we are fearing. We need forgiveness. FEAR is the ENEMY'S tactic to get our MINDS OFF OF CHRIST. FEAR = SIN. I was going thru the motions of what I used to do on a daily basis. I can promise you- nothing will prepare you for a tragedy in your life, no matter how hard you try to prepare yourself by worrying or "planning".
Tues. I am scheduled for another surgery to put in the Chemo Port. UGH. But, I am determined to keep on keeping on. Very slowly these days, but also carefully. I don't want to keep just going thru the motions of this life. I want to do more. Be more. Yes, to change. For the better. I know there will be grace for that, b/c He has allowed this to strengthen me, my family and friends. (I'll include you, too!) I know, b/c I need it. We all need it. We cannot fight this battle or any battle in life on our own.
I plan on posting pics of the "new" me when I am bald. I have struggled with this. Honestly, if I could- I probably wouldn't have shared ANY of this with anyone, but I am doing it out of obedience. So that the LORD is glorified, not me. It sure helps the humility out! =)
Monday I am planning on going shopping for my wigs, my scarves and the rest of my "head wear". I've got some great girlfriends going along...we're going to celebrate! Why not? If you have to go thru it, enjoy the ride. Otherwise....I would just be going thru the motions.....
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Update #2....
Today I had an appointment with the Oncologist.
It was in a lot of ways a relief to know the course of action.
I could bore you all to tears with the medical explanation, but I will save you and give you the short 411.....
Tomorrow I go to have genetic blood tests done, and a heart test to ensure my heart health is prep-ed for Chemo. Within the next week I will have a small surgery to get my Chemo port in....they say it should be a 20 min. out-pt. procedure. Then in approx. 2 wks. I will begin Chemo. It will start w/ 8 weeks and a series of 4 infusions spread over that. Then I will have 12 weeks of 1 infusion per week. Followed by radiation (not sure how long for that) and 7 years of hormone therapy. All of the above, combined with exercise will lower my risk down to > < 7-15% of having a reoccurring within the next 10 years.
I have a PET Scan in 6 weeks...allowing for more healing for a more accurate read. LORD WILLING it is NO where else. The Dr. doesn't believe it is, but it will be good to see some concrete evidence.
Knowing all of this cuts the fear of the unknown in half. yes, I am terrified at times. He told me that w/in two weeks of starting Chemo I will be bald. Wow! The tears come just thinking of it. Mainly because I don't feel sick, but will see another tangible example of reality- no chest and now a bald head. I had a friend go with me today and I looked at her and thought- Am I really here? Seriously? The next youngest patient was about in their upper 60's.
As for a timeline- in about 5-6 months I will be done with Chemo and moving towards radiation. The bright side will be my hair growing back as well! Reconstruction will take place after Chemo and Rad. are done, along with a hyster. later this year. It seems crazy, but you get in a mindset that if they can take one more thing to give just a little bit less percentage on your side....you become very willing to do just about whatever is necessary. Lord willing w/i this year I will be completely through all my treatments and surgeries.
My prayer is specifically:
-for the Drs to have wisdom
-for my health, no infections, no problems (and that of my family)
-that my body receive the chemo and radiation well w/ NO adverse side effects and minimal effects at all.
-That the Lord receive all the Glory for each and every step.
-That many will come to the Lord through this.
-And finally that we will all see a healing in my body before our eyes and believe in the goodness of God, here in the land of the living, that He is here and still does miracles today.
Thank you from the bottom of my tearful, thankful, broken heart for all of your prayers thus far and for the future. We wait for you, Lord....
It was in a lot of ways a relief to know the course of action.
I could bore you all to tears with the medical explanation, but I will save you and give you the short 411.....
Tomorrow I go to have genetic blood tests done, and a heart test to ensure my heart health is prep-ed for Chemo. Within the next week I will have a small surgery to get my Chemo port in....they say it should be a 20 min. out-pt. procedure. Then in approx. 2 wks. I will begin Chemo. It will start w/ 8 weeks and a series of 4 infusions spread over that. Then I will have 12 weeks of 1 infusion per week. Followed by radiation (not sure how long for that) and 7 years of hormone therapy. All of the above, combined with exercise will lower my risk down to > < 7-15% of having a reoccurring within the next 10 years.
I have a PET Scan in 6 weeks...allowing for more healing for a more accurate read. LORD WILLING it is NO where else. The Dr. doesn't believe it is, but it will be good to see some concrete evidence.
Knowing all of this cuts the fear of the unknown in half. yes, I am terrified at times. He told me that w/in two weeks of starting Chemo I will be bald. Wow! The tears come just thinking of it. Mainly because I don't feel sick, but will see another tangible example of reality- no chest and now a bald head. I had a friend go with me today and I looked at her and thought- Am I really here? Seriously? The next youngest patient was about in their upper 60's.
As for a timeline- in about 5-6 months I will be done with Chemo and moving towards radiation. The bright side will be my hair growing back as well! Reconstruction will take place after Chemo and Rad. are done, along with a hyster. later this year. It seems crazy, but you get in a mindset that if they can take one more thing to give just a little bit less percentage on your side....you become very willing to do just about whatever is necessary. Lord willing w/i this year I will be completely through all my treatments and surgeries.
My prayer is specifically:
-for the Drs to have wisdom
-for my health, no infections, no problems (and that of my family)
-that my body receive the chemo and radiation well w/ NO adverse side effects and minimal effects at all.
-That the Lord receive all the Glory for each and every step.
-That many will come to the Lord through this.
-And finally that we will all see a healing in my body before our eyes and believe in the goodness of God, here in the land of the living, that He is here and still does miracles today.
Thank you from the bottom of my tearful, thankful, broken heart for all of your prayers thus far and for the future. We wait for you, Lord....
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Every Couple of Days....
Many people have asked me this question:
"Do you ever just get mad?" or said: "You don't have to be strong all the time."
The answer? To the first, YES, and to the second: You are absolutely right.
Today was a tough day for me. The gravity of knowing that many have fought this battle and some haven't made it sinks in deep on days like today.
The grief for what has been lost and what I have yet to go through weighs heavy on my mind. I HATE it. Tears seem to ebb and flow with no rhyme or reason. They just are there one minute and gone the next.
The fact that God is not taking me away from this situation, but giving me grace to go through it is comforting, but I just want to for one moment go back to my old life. To the care free (maybe a little less worry/fear) life when I didn't have to think about treatment options, tiredness, sleep, pain, Chemo, baldness, infections, scary side effects, re-occurrence, etc. The list could be endless.
It is late and I am tired, but sleep seems to be far away right now. I don't want to sound like a downer, but I do want to be honest. In life, I believe it is important to know who you are and to be who you are. No one else. Wow- if that isn't a difficult thing to do. I guess cancer has forced me to be more honest with what I am feeling mainly in part b/c I feel so overwhelmed at times I could bust. It helps to get it out. It is on these days where I have to make a conscious decision to CHOOSE JOY. It just doesn't come naturally. It is the same with LOVE. It is a choice we make. You don't just "fall out of love" with someone. You make a decision here, one there....it's a slow fade. Anyway, back to Joy- it is different than happiness. Happiness depends on circumstance. It can be manipulated and forced, but joy comes from the deep part of your soul. What you have planted there springs forth in the dry times. It is sort of your "reserve". When you get to the point where you tap in to that reserve, you will see for yourself what is planted there. The good, the bad, and yes- the ugly.
Today I just wanted to scream....out of fear, disappointment, and yes, anger. I'm barely on week 2 of my 8 week restriction and I felt like doing whatever I felt like doing, w/o worry of how much it weighed, etc. and then I did and I was instantly regretting my ridiculous decision b/c now I really could feel the pain and like a ding-dong I didn't take my med on time, etc. You get the picture. I handled today with as much grace and poise as a chimpanzee.
Cade asked me why I had to be sick. "I don't know." "What sickness do you have mommy?" "I have cancer, honey. It stays hidden inside of you, but when it is found it needs to come out and then you're given strong medicine to help you get better." "Will you be normal again after you lose your hair?"
As I was walking upstairs tonight, I thought of something. Aaron told me at the start of this that he thinks I should write a book. A title came to mind at a random moment- "Bald and Beautiful." I sort of laughed at the thought of the whole thing, when my phone rang and a wonderful woman called to encourage me and guess what? She is a breast cancer survivor, who told me a story about embracing the beauty in being bald. I had to share my title with her after that! She loved it. Through the tears and anguish, I can still see Him working in my life. He hasn't forgotten me.
"Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer.....the Lord will hear when I call to him.....In your anger do not sin......search your hearts and be silent.....trust in the Lord......You have filled my heart with greater joy......I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." Psalm 4
Yes, I'll most likely end up bald, but life is beautiful. It is for each of us. I am so glad the Lord reminds me of His goodness, doesn't leave me to self-destruct, forgives, heals, and He shows up and reminds me of these things every couple of days......
Sleep in peace tonight my friends.
"Do you ever just get mad?" or said: "You don't have to be strong all the time."
The answer? To the first, YES, and to the second: You are absolutely right.
Today was a tough day for me. The gravity of knowing that many have fought this battle and some haven't made it sinks in deep on days like today.
The grief for what has been lost and what I have yet to go through weighs heavy on my mind. I HATE it. Tears seem to ebb and flow with no rhyme or reason. They just are there one minute and gone the next.
The fact that God is not taking me away from this situation, but giving me grace to go through it is comforting, but I just want to for one moment go back to my old life. To the care free (maybe a little less worry/fear) life when I didn't have to think about treatment options, tiredness, sleep, pain, Chemo, baldness, infections, scary side effects, re-occurrence, etc. The list could be endless.
It is late and I am tired, but sleep seems to be far away right now. I don't want to sound like a downer, but I do want to be honest. In life, I believe it is important to know who you are and to be who you are. No one else. Wow- if that isn't a difficult thing to do. I guess cancer has forced me to be more honest with what I am feeling mainly in part b/c I feel so overwhelmed at times I could bust. It helps to get it out. It is on these days where I have to make a conscious decision to CHOOSE JOY. It just doesn't come naturally. It is the same with LOVE. It is a choice we make. You don't just "fall out of love" with someone. You make a decision here, one there....it's a slow fade. Anyway, back to Joy- it is different than happiness. Happiness depends on circumstance. It can be manipulated and forced, but joy comes from the deep part of your soul. What you have planted there springs forth in the dry times. It is sort of your "reserve". When you get to the point where you tap in to that reserve, you will see for yourself what is planted there. The good, the bad, and yes- the ugly.
Today I just wanted to scream....out of fear, disappointment, and yes, anger. I'm barely on week 2 of my 8 week restriction and I felt like doing whatever I felt like doing, w/o worry of how much it weighed, etc. and then I did and I was instantly regretting my ridiculous decision b/c now I really could feel the pain and like a ding-dong I didn't take my med on time, etc. You get the picture. I handled today with as much grace and poise as a chimpanzee.
Cade asked me why I had to be sick. "I don't know." "What sickness do you have mommy?" "I have cancer, honey. It stays hidden inside of you, but when it is found it needs to come out and then you're given strong medicine to help you get better." "Will you be normal again after you lose your hair?"
As I was walking upstairs tonight, I thought of something. Aaron told me at the start of this that he thinks I should write a book. A title came to mind at a random moment- "Bald and Beautiful." I sort of laughed at the thought of the whole thing, when my phone rang and a wonderful woman called to encourage me and guess what? She is a breast cancer survivor, who told me a story about embracing the beauty in being bald. I had to share my title with her after that! She loved it. Through the tears and anguish, I can still see Him working in my life. He hasn't forgotten me.
"Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer.....the Lord will hear when I call to him.....In your anger do not sin......search your hearts and be silent.....trust in the Lord......You have filled my heart with greater joy......I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." Psalm 4
Yes, I'll most likely end up bald, but life is beautiful. It is for each of us. I am so glad the Lord reminds me of His goodness, doesn't leave me to self-destruct, forgives, heals, and He shows up and reminds me of these things every couple of days......
Sleep in peace tonight my friends.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Cute Conversations...
Tonight at bedtime, Cade launched into one of his "Chats". Let me say first off- I LOVE THEM!!! At 4 1/2 he is ready to take on the world with his wit and wisdom.
That being said, he turns to me as I begin praying and says, "Mom, what is sin?"
I explain to him exactly what it is. The wrong we do when we know we shouldn't. Sometimes doing things, saying things, or thinking things that are wrong. Or ignoring God- these are just a few we talked about. So he listens and then (no kidding) says, "mom, so when we do these and ask the Lord to forgive us for these things, will we keep doing them or do we stop?" ????(insert a pause) I explained that we should stop and do a 180 turn, learn from our mistakes and keep marching. He asks, "Well, what does God do with our sin? Does He have a great big dumpster for it? That has to smell if He does have one, and it should be HUGE because if everyone in our church sinned that would fill it right up." Me: "you are right Cade- we would fill it up. The saddest part is, is that the whole world sins and sins and sins. That would take too many dumpsters, more than we could count to keep it contained. It makes the heart of God so sad that something had to be done about it. The Bible tells us that He takes our sins and throws them as far as the East is from the West. But first, He sent His son Jesus to die on the cross for our sins so that all men could know what forgiveness is, if they ask for forgiveness and humble themselves by confessing the wrong they have done as sin, and ask the Lord Jesus Himself to come and live inside your heart then we can know for sure that we are saved." (John 3:16)
"Mom, what about the crackers and the juice part?" " Well, that is just that, crackers and juice. Niether one holds any power, but we take these two things as a reminder of what the Lord has done for us and to thank Him."
"But mom, you said it was communion and I know I have heard some people call it 'the Lord of the supper'."
"Yes, Cade, it is the Lord's supper."
"Well, when you finish praying make sure we thank God for throwing all our sin as far as He could. I don't want that stuff laying around."
From the mouths of babes- some of the deepest truths.
That being said, he turns to me as I begin praying and says, "Mom, what is sin?"
I explain to him exactly what it is. The wrong we do when we know we shouldn't. Sometimes doing things, saying things, or thinking things that are wrong. Or ignoring God- these are just a few we talked about. So he listens and then (no kidding) says, "mom, so when we do these and ask the Lord to forgive us for these things, will we keep doing them or do we stop?" ????(insert a pause) I explained that we should stop and do a 180 turn, learn from our mistakes and keep marching. He asks, "Well, what does God do with our sin? Does He have a great big dumpster for it? That has to smell if He does have one, and it should be HUGE because if everyone in our church sinned that would fill it right up." Me: "you are right Cade- we would fill it up. The saddest part is, is that the whole world sins and sins and sins. That would take too many dumpsters, more than we could count to keep it contained. It makes the heart of God so sad that something had to be done about it. The Bible tells us that He takes our sins and throws them as far as the East is from the West. But first, He sent His son Jesus to die on the cross for our sins so that all men could know what forgiveness is, if they ask for forgiveness and humble themselves by confessing the wrong they have done as sin, and ask the Lord Jesus Himself to come and live inside your heart then we can know for sure that we are saved." (John 3:16)
"Mom, what about the crackers and the juice part?" " Well, that is just that, crackers and juice. Niether one holds any power, but we take these two things as a reminder of what the Lord has done for us and to thank Him."
"But mom, you said it was communion and I know I have heard some people call it 'the Lord of the supper'."
"Yes, Cade, it is the Lord's supper."
"Well, when you finish praying make sure we thank God for throwing all our sin as far as He could. I don't want that stuff laying around."
From the mouths of babes- some of the deepest truths.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
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