Nothing has remained the same except my name. That may be a slight exaggeration, but not far from the truth.
Do you ever have those moments where you just want everything to be "normal" again? Funny thing is, when I think back to the times that I refer to as normal, they weren't that "normal" when I was in them.
I just got off the phone literally bawling with my mom. I want my normal back.
Like yesterday, let alone almost three years ago.
Every scar reminds me of where I've been and good things that God is doing. But I'm frustrated with some seemingly impossible barriers that have fallen in this path.
Let me just re-emphasize if I haven't already, that I HATE the side effects of treatment. Every person has a choice. For me I chose life, and with it, some pretty ugly meds. They run the gamut with side effects. Any and probably all have happened.
Time and time again I revisit this same exact spot of "sickandtiredofit".
I cry. Pray. Read scripture. Talk to people. Get angry.
Most of the time I get crazy looks, and remarks that go something like: "You have your life and now the rest of your life ahead of you....whats the big deal?" "You're treatment is over, its time to move on."
Recently a friend of mine broke her cell phone. She has been without it over a week now. She has forgotten appointments that were on the calendar. There is no reminder to keep important dates. Where am I going with this?
Life works well with a cell phone. You can keep everything in the palm of your hand. Snug in your pocket you can have your routine at your fingertips.
Our lives our much the same way. We get into routine and only when we are dumped out of it do we realize that we never had that much control anyway.
It wasn't my friends fault that her phone broke. It wasn't my fault that I got cancer. We can play the should-a-would-a-could-a game all day long and the end result is the same. Her phone is broke. Her normal is off.
I got cancer, and my normal is off...forever. Understanding goes a lot further when we walk in anothers shoes, rather than with suggestions in words.
There aren't words to fix it.
Sometimes the best way to fix things is to let them be broken a while.
In this season of rest, I'm learning that I am still broken. Still growing. Still seeing the Goodness of the Lord in the Land of the Living.
But it hurts y'all.
Big time.
This new mama is keeping busy these days. Cade, Libbi, and yes, my goats. AND now I have some ducks. You can't have a pond without some ducks!
Keep the faith.
I promise, I'll keep trying too.
If you see my normal out there somewhere, send it my way. Until then, I'm starting fresh. Clean.
Living this dream with my life in front of me, one minute at a time....
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