Disappointment

 My mom recently gifted me a book.  I quickly sifted through some of the chapter titles and realized immediately that it was full of all sorts of wisdom and wit and things that I just didn't have time for. Sounds selfish I know, but hear me out. Each time  I see books like this one, it makes me feel guilty. Overwhelmed. And desperately failing for sure. My heart longs to have "time." To processes things. I just don't have that right now.  Not the kind of time to try to fix everything that's broken. You catch my drift. Sometimes when you're in this type of funk you just need Jesus in a big way--not guilt.

So late one night, I cracked it open and started to read.  I couldn't sleep anyway, so I thought why not!
 I read the chapter on bitterness, unforgiveness, overwhelming need, loving God, desperate feelings, all these things (such great things) and definitely needed, but I just wasn't tracking with it. It just didn't seem like these were the "issues" that I knew the Lord was gently working on in me. (And you'll know it's Him because He's gentle and kind.) And when he lets you know your "issues" liquid relief flows down your face. At least down mine.
I was fine...Until I got to disappointment.

One sentence that the author spoke to her child, I read over and over and over again.
"...fairness doesn't live here anymore. But Jesus does." (Sheila Walsh)

Disappointment that life just isn't  what you thought it would be. It didn't bring the things you thought you needed. It brought different. And with different,  change. Change of everything you knew, or dreamed of. Spelled out sometimes,  in unfairness. Disappointment.

Jesus came...in a big way.

Let me just clarify: I certainly struggle with the other things, but this one (Disappointment/fairness) is something the Lord and I have been playing tug-of-war over for some time now. Sometimes at mid-life or just in this life we find ourselves disappointed in every area of our lives. It can look dark and overwhelming.

When I shared this with Aaron, I told him that I don't want to hold this against God anymore. It was time to let it go. Just stop the negative self talk inside my head. To let go of this stronghold that's held our marriage in bondage at times.  I may not like what cancer has done to my body, but when I look at those pictures I see a person who is alive and well. And has all the rest of her life to work it off. It's a gift. And a gift that Aaron has learned to accept as well. Jesus is Emmanuel. God with us, even in our broken parts.

When I look at my little, I see a spicy little girl, who takes life by the hands. Both hands. Sometimes requiring all hands that are available.  (Like when she dumped laundry detergent ALL OVER THE FLOOR AT THE STORE, topped it off with a package of nerds she "found" in the candy isle she stood by as I cleaned the floor.) I see Jesus.

 When I look at my oldest I see one who challenges me with learning new things and the blessedness of parenthood (especially through the hormone years.) Again I see Jesus.

When I look at our church, I see goodness, growth, and that sometimes there's gonna be people that say mean things about myself or my kids or my man. All I can do is pray that their disappointment becomes the catalyst for change in their life. The catapult that will launch them into seeking the Lord with all their heart, and if it's not at our church, that they would go with God, to the place where he is leading. Bless and release, as my sister-in-law says. Jesus is near.

Fairness may not live here anymore, but Jesus does. And He's taken the Disappointment too and filled its place with His presence. Room for the fruits that His Spirit brings that can cultivate change in the world around me. Especially my own outlook.

So today, I bear my soul and tell you that no, my life is not perfect, but I love it. In fact I just finished researching whether or not I needed Poison Control or Charcoal at the ER as my spicey little girl broke a glittery baton and DRANK the contents.

God Bless every broken road that leads us to the cross. Wifin' is hard. Mommin' is tough. Preacher wifin' ain't for wimps. But...

There are times we have to learn to acknowledge (and DEAL with the fact) that sometimes life is unfair,  and disappointing...but it is  also good and funny (and we all needed a good laugh knowing that we will now poop glittery-sparkly poop for days.)

Let Jesus live with you today.

***I really did have DARLING pics to go with this blog, however they aren't loading and Libbi has now released the birds into the house. I must go...#obviously