Crap.
What we know is that I now have stage 4 Breast Cancer, metastasis to the Lungs. I am one pill away from finishing my first round of Chemo/Targeted Therapy. I'm not exactly sure what the difference is, except that the side effects are MUCH better. I am so thankful, and no surgery in the near future.
There is no cure (at this time); As I clutch my pearls, they tell me if this treatment works, I have decades. Not just months. Hands to the heavens. I know this sounds morbid and heavy and indeed it is. This one thing I DO KNOW: nothing changes. I have the EXACT days that I have had from my birth. God is GOOD and He is not one bit surprised by this.
I'm not going to lie: my husband had to give some tough love to get me out of bed. I curled up and didn't move for about three days. It wasn't pretty. I would have stayed longer. *smile
My side effects thus far have been Fatigue, my old friend; numbness and cold intolerance of my hands and feet; and then there is the hormones that no one tells you that go out of whack. I talked with the KU Pharmacist and got things straightened around and feel 100% better.
I feel so fortunate for grace and love from those around me as we all adjust to yet another new normal. I hear people tell me I look well, and I am thankful--I don't know how to look any other way.
As a mom, it is SO VERY difficult to keep things normal for your family. Your spouse. We just (I/myself) don't have the mental energy to tell anything other than the truth. It is difficult to say the least, but we are all terminal. This life is 100% fun. Its also 100% fatal.
So, we keep on living. Because what we are called to is living, and from all accounts is just all we know how to do on this side of Heaven.
My current playlist is: Pat Barrett (Self Titled) on repeat.
Natalie Grant also has a song :More than Anything
Sarah Reeves: Easy Never Needed You
Each song is just resonating with me. .
Such a challenge, each and every song. Each new day is another new day to keep on keeping on and sharing the deep and hard things. Somehow we get to believing the lie that the Christian life is about ease and if we do the right things, make the right decisions, don't say these words, dress this way, listen to this or that...as if we have the power...that is GREAT if you want to do those, but to impress them on someone else is pure crap-ola/religiosity. And you'd better be careful--there could be a solid throat punch coming your way.
Yes, there are DEEP and DARK things that I have been challenged on. The beauty of the gospel is this: Grace is the needed remedy and the cure for all that ails us.
I need to get going here. These days my iPhone is amazing as you can set the alarm to help remind you. You know, things like picking up kids. Dinner. No Big Deal.
I haven't gotten around to giving those of you all inquiring on FB messenger and I may not. Nothing personal, just that I struggle with making most days to the end of the days with my family. I am often stopped and giving a blank stare. (SO EMBARASSING, but humbling as well...and when I am face down there isn't a long distance to fall.)
I am trying to get comfortable with people feeling let down and disappointed with me. All I can do, is what I am doing. Some of it is only a "feeling" and I must be carefully guarded NOT to use this as a reaction but rather a reminder of Grace. This life is very difficult indeed.
Will you pray for me in this? Not just for healing, but also the lies the enemy tries to fill my head with. He is such a loser like that. LOW BLOW Satan. Low blow.
How can you help? Don't take things personal. And when I figure out what is needed/helpful, I will let you know. Deal?
He is Jesus. The Faithful. We trust in HIM during this time.
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