Settling in....

Hello! After an unsuccessful week of updating my blog...I am finally able to log on. They had been under construction for most of this week apparently.

Yes, we are moved. Many have asked, "are you settled in?" and yes, we are. We have some small projects here and there that are little by little getting done. Ok, a lot of little projects, but hey, you have to have something keeping you busy, right?

We love our new place. We are enjoying being outside as the weather warms and of course I LOVE mowing the lawn.  I know- crazy, right? I guess that is some more of my OCD. LOL!

This week has brought us so many wonderful things. Cade Graduated Preschool. He was so proud of himself. We had the final party at his school this morning. It was great! Bounce house, tunnels and hotdogs. What fun! T-ball is coming along. We have yet to get to a game. You know what happened with his one game, but three have been canceled and we had to miss for his graduation. Oh well. One of these days I will have a pic or two of his game for you.

I have FOUR more weeks of chemo and I am done!!!! So very excited. Radiation begins about 3-4 weeks after that. I am contemplating throwing in one of the many surgeries during that down time so that I can start getting some normalcy back into my life! LOL! Life will never be "normal" again, but a new norm. Yesterday it had appeared that my transmission was going out on my Mariner.....and as I was sitting in the auto shop waiting for a ride I just thought, "you know, it doesn't matter. Not any of it. The car will get fixed, paid for and on the road again, but it is OK. No worries. It is, what it is. Life is GOOD." It caused me to think that yes, my life has changed in many ways, and in this way- it is very good. This normally would have stressed me out. For a time it did, and then I instantly thought that I am thankful for the extra down time to sit with Cade in the auto shop and play silly games and realize that life is precious.

While at the grocery store Cade told the cashier that I had a wig on, much to my embarrasment....when they looked at me crazy-like, I just told them a little of my story. It ended up being so good and funny b/c...
I have come to realize that "you know when you are a breast cancer survivor"....when the people you are talking to begin doing their own self-exams while you are talking to them. Awkward.

Aaron is nearing the end of his semester. We are all ready for a break. He has done a tremendous job of holding down his grades, homework and moving on top of all the extra he has had to do for me. He has earned the man of the year award in my opinion!

Cade turned 5 this week. Where does the time go? I can seriously remember having an emotional conversation w/ myself, thinking of him getting ready to go to school......when he was like 5 day old. My mom was with me helping me out and told me to get a grip. I did and it seems like I woke up and he is really now 5 years old. The hilarious thing he said when he woke up was: " mom, I feel just like I did when I was 4- like yesterday!"

Settling in? Yes. We never will just "settle" though.........not when there is so much life to live. Life IS good. A different perspective has made it just that much better. =)

The last few weeks in Pictures.....

Here is Cade with his preschool class....aren't they just adorable?

Below are some of my favorites from T-ball. I have to say.....he had to miss his first game tonight b/c of the way he was talking to me and to others....it is tough being 5. The worst part for him is he is going to have to tell his coach why he had to let the team down. The middle pic is identical to the face he gave me when I told him this......

All grown  up and ready for preschool graduation....

And me. Yes, I actually have hair. Not the long flowing, luxurious type....but some serious resistance when I stand in the wind. =) Ha!

 I have been asked this many times...."what color is it?" It is PLATINUM BLONDE! Oh, my goodness! I don't think I could dye it this bright....it almost looks grey.

And finally some sneak peaks inside the house....



Cade.....

We are on day four of the "fever" thing. Crazy how you start to panic when you really should just call the Dr.- DUH!!!! I thought for sure by now this would be over...apparently there are others in his little preschool class that have the same thing....this too shall pass.

Anyhow, while we were SLOWLY working on things Sunday morning (Aaron was at church and the little guy was just waking up), I stubbed my little toe. Let me tell you.....it hurt so badly I just yelled. NOT something I usually do when in pain, but being tired, frustrated and worn down are not a good combo and I didn't have much reserve. Cade came running out and burst into tears. He said, "mommy, I sure hope your toe isn't broken! Then you will have to go back to the hospital and daddy will have to take care of me by himself. When you went in there the last time I was so scared. I didn't know what was going on and then the hospital stole your "parts". I was confused- pain induced- and said, "what parts?" As he pointed to my shirt, the light bulb came on and he was just determined that there was a theif among us. I tried the best I could to explain to him what has happened, all the while trying to limp myself over to the couch....and was hoping he would catch on, the next thing I hear, is him telling me that Jake and the Neverland Pirates is on and he had to run, but that if I had surgery again I needed to say please, and ask for them to put back what they stole. I will take that advice. =)  And in case you were on the edge of your seat with my injury- that was the last of the sympathy recieved. I think I will live.

Here are some more of his stories for you......

On the way home from preschool...."mom, do you know that Ms. Paula and Ms. Karen made me do everyone's homework today?" ME: "Really? That doesn't sound right, are you telling the truth?" HIM: "I know, it was crazy to me too, but they did and I couldn't  play until it was done." Hmmmmmm..... So when I talked to Ms. Paula, I told her what he said and NO he most certainly was NOT asked to do that, so I told her she really needs to ask him to do that the next day at preschool.  So when she DID ask him to do everyone's homework...his eyes got huge and he figured out he had been caught in his whopper and that his mom had talked with Ms. Paula. When he got in the car, the first thing he said was: "mom, are you going to tell daddy?" What a stinker!

On the way home from chruch....
"Mom, I know what Easter is."
"It is when Jesus died for all our sins and we have been saved by His face."
ME: "You mean grace?"
"No, Grace is there too, but I am pretty sure if He wouldn't have looked at us and thought we were worth it, then we would have died and not been able to live in each of our own homes in heaven. See? We were saved by His face- when He looked at us."
Me: "Well where does grace come in?"
"Well, when we ask for forgiveness of all our sins, daddy said that we get what we don't deserve- that's grace, right mom?"
Me: "Yes, that is exactly it....but the face part isn't exactly scriptural, but I understand what you are trying to say, buddy."
"Well my teacher said that we are supposed to grow in the Lord- like what we know about him. It's OK mom....you will get there someday."

While driving.......
"Mom, I am pretty sure that old easter bunny didn't poop out all of those easter eggs. That would have been a mess and I'm pretty sure there wouldn't be any candy in those things!"
(this is the second time we have had this conversation....the first few comments were funny, but I just died laughing when he said this!)

Two days ago........
"Hey mom! Our neighbor Linda is talking to me again! She must have forgotten about that time I asked her if she had a beard!"
Me: "Well that is good...I hope you were careful with what you said to her, we don't want to hurt ppls feelings."
"Well, I didn't even ask about her beard, I just asked her if her house smelled as bad as the one we just bought because the ppl before us had a lot of animals in the house like she did."
I think Ms. Linda is glad we are moving this week. =)

Out of the mouth of....Cade.....

Moving....again....=)

So we finished the painting....... late last night. We are supposed to be getting carpet today and had to have the place cleaned and ready. Can't wait to see it! =) It seems like it has been FOREVER since we started this project. Aaron and I came home last night and crashed.

We have been busy not only on the house but getting ready for our huge  Easter program at church. It always amazes me that each Easter, there is something new about the Easter story that sticks out and makes you stop and think about the magnitude of what was done for us on the cross. Amazing.

Treatment is today...8 more to go! Woohoo! Cade is still sick. He came down with a fever on Friday night and still has it this AM. Why do we make it thru the winter completely healthy, only to struggle in the SPRING....the nicest time of year??? Crazy. =) Hopefully he will be on the mend soon.

Still NO hair. Ugh. I still think the treatments are affecting it, but hopefully soon it will begin to grow a little faster. I pulled out the blonde wig yesterday. I had 6 ppl ask me what looked different about me, and when I looked in the mirror later that night, I noticed I had forgotten makeup, had paint sprinkled everywhere, and the silly wig had a piece of something sticking right out of the side of it. Good grief! It's a wonder I can walk. =)

This is just a little update on the day to day...
We won't have internet for a while b/c we will be moving...again....
(if I can find some time to pack!) Wish me luck! =)

Living....

The painting process is coming along. I have affectionately been nicknamed- "the one armed bandit" by Cade. He is understanding more and more each day- which is good and sad for me all at the same time. I still hate for him to have to go thru this, but GOD is GOOD. I trust Him.

This week we are touching up paint, finishing the drywall, mold testing will be complete, vent systems cleaned, and we will have carpet in less than a week! We are looking at moving this time next week. This has been a great project....one that we are ready to relinquish, but proud of the accomplishment all at the same time.

People have asked me again and again if I should be doing this. The answer is yes. The Dr. told me at the beginning that I could live with cancer, or cancer could live with me. In making my decision to fight this thing, I determined I would not be defined by cancer. Once again, like my good friend penned down for me...I don't have cancer, my tent does. BUT.......not A.N.Y.M.O.R.E.  Lord willing it will stay this way. All glory to Him.

Yesterday I had another treatment. It was number 9, (fourth) of the new tx. I went back to the new house and painted when I was done. Yes, I took it easy, but I have to tell you...I was so excited. My tumor marker that was elevated (at 74) last time had dropped a HUGE 40 points in the last 6 weeks. That is the hand of the Lord. I am now at 34 and anything below 35 is considered normal. The Dr. told me last Thursday to keep living as I have done. He said it bring life to the body. If you would have seen me when I came home, you would have laughed! He also told me I could do light push ups. So I tried....
Let's just say that I have some work to do. I have virtually NO pectoral muscles left, so my light, half push up from my knees ended in failure for the moment, but I continue to try and rebuild what was lost. I guess you could say that I struggled, but am determined to finish.

The same determination led me to the Susan G. Komen site to see where the nearest race was. The nurses have begged me/encouraging me to go b/c the world needed to see more survivors. This is what I learned.....

Each year you can build a team and run "for a life". That life can be someone you run to honor, to support, or to run in prevention. When I say run...you can run, walk, or "sleep-in". I love the options. Each team creates a t-shirt, and if you get the largest group that raises the most money, your t-shirt is displayed on their website and your story is told to encourage and inspire others. You don't just have to run in one city. From what I understand there is a date in August where everyone competes in the city nearest them holding this race.  It is up to the team captain to assemble each team and take a t-shirt to the nearest Komen Center. BTW, 75% of all the proceeds go to give screening/preventative care to those who cannot afford it, or for those who's insurance doesn't pay. Sadly,  yes....that is the case and unfortunately there is a law that is close to being passed that will push baseline screening back to 55 or older (unless the patient has complications earlier). If this would have been in place, I doubt I would have this story to tell. I didn't have the "normal" cookie cutter symptoms. It would have been YEARS before I would have found this and by then it would have metastasized. Wow.

I don't understand why the Lord wakes me up at 3:00 am. Perhaps it was just to spend time with me. This "bandit" has had to hit and miss on my quiet time due to a variety of reasons. Nevertheless, when I woke up I knew it was time to write. To write for a cause.

I am not typically one who tries to rally support for any particular cause, but this cancer has given me a voice, a cause and a passion to fight for others. Yes, both men and women. If statistics hold true, that is one in every 2.8 will get this. I don't know if you caught that, but I will not be alone in this. The tears are falling as I write this for so many reasons. I wish I could fight this once and for all. For every mom/dad with young children. For every mom/dad watching her daughter fight, while they are forced to the sidelines. For every daughter/son who watches her mom struggle thru this awful thing. For every dad, husband, son who may get this, but more likely will watch their daughter, wife, or mother struggle. Over and over, far too often this happens. Oh, how I wish there was a cure!

So, I have decided to compete. My body is very frail, struggling with the ups and downs from steroids.  But I am getting stronger. Each day doing a little more. I have my mom working on a FLY STRONG t-shirt w/ a cool butterfly design and the verse from Ps. 27 that says "I would have despaired had I not had hope that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." I am running for life. To honor the fallen. To inspire those to put their hope in a living God. He is good. I don't care if I have to crawl or be carried, I am determined to finish well, not first. I have entertained the idea of getting a team together to see how many we can get across the states. Let me know if you are interested.
The survivors wear pink shirts that day. Some of the survivors who finish first often run back to find the new girls, and they finish with you holding your hands in the air. It stands for more than just finishing with tears on your face. You ran for life. For yours and mine. It puts me in mind of what Heaven will be like. Only there, you won't have sorrows or even tears (although I don't know how you can't cry when you see the Lord), but more importantly your life will be eternal- not fleeting. You see, we are all running for a cause in more ways than one. Each one of us has our own motivation and things that make us "tick".  My purpose in this, is to get my mind off of my own motivations and join with those who are focused on celebrating life and as for me...I believe the world needs more than just pink ribbons and a cure. They need a touch of the nail-scarred hands found only in a loving Savior. His name is Jesus- the ONLY cure our souls need. But how can they know if we never tell them? If we never show what He has done, how can we blame them for not believing?

As for the race?...This is simply something small that I can do to help others who have or will go thru this. To try to help raise awareness and drive the statistics down. Seriously, it is difficult to relive this thing and to hear about others' stories. It overwhelms me and quite frankly I still would rather be anywhere than here. But, in order to give glory to the Lord, the focus cannot be on me, but on Him and what He is doing thru this. Bald, broken, but believing, I am determined to show the world the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living....any way I can.

Busy......

We have been super busy lately. I don't know if that ever happens to you or not, but suddenly, before you realize it, you are just swamped.....and all of it is just good stuff so you really don't know what to cut out- if anything.

I was busy painting today and Cade reminded me that he had T-ball. Go figure, I would forget his first practice! So, Aaron met me at the fields with cleats and glove and took over for me. Like I said I had been painting all day and still had to clean up my mess.  I ran back to the house, walked past a mirror and realized that I had a tan stripe right down my backside. Where did that come from? I will never know....I never found the offended wall.

Tomorrow I plan on getting some more done, this time painting with a friend. Makes the time go much faster! Once I pick him up from Preschool, I plan on taking him on a mommy-son date. He loves it, as do I- and I promised him we'd go to Build-a-bear. I will fess up and let you know that I promised him this the week after Christmas. A little late, but I have realized that a promise kept (no matter how late) is always welcomed and treasured. But one that is forgotten is NEVER forgotten, and seldom understood.

Cade has Kindergarden Round Up on Thursday, Dr.'s appt. for me shortly after, and then T-ball again. You guessed it- a busy day. Again. But I LOVE it. Nothing speaks of life like being busy and having a lot to do. Not because you have to but because you want to. Because you are able to. I am learning to love busy.

Treatments are going well. Yesterday they gave me the Benedryl IV first so I was out like a light. What made it even better was they were so busy that they had to give me a private room with a bed. (dog-gone-it) What is weird about this "session" is I get worn down just before my next treatment. It is almost like a low....and the treatment offers the high. Weird. 9 more and counting! PTL!!! I will follow with the Radiation.....but I will think of that another day. For now, I am content with being busy.......

Rain Drops....

Today was a crazy day! Well, I should say the last several have been nuts. We have painted and then painted some more....and we still aren't done. (yes, mom......I am wearing my sleeve and taking my breaks- kind of) =)
Needless to say, anything on this house is an improvement so it boosts your self esteem just to do, well anything, really! LOL! It isn't all that bad, but it has its moments for sure.

We are loving it out in the country again. We are not moved in yet. Still a couple weeks away, but having a blast being able to work on stuff like this. Such a great (major) distraction right now. We have had the family out working on it, including my nephew Matt (lovingly *Mattithias*). He and I were painting the front of the house and had a great time laughing and talking.

It is so difficult to swallow the fact that kids grow up. I know- ground breaker there- but when you stop and realize they are growing up so fast and oh my goodness there is not a darned thing I can do to stop it and where did all the time go and......oh, catch a breath. That moment happened for me today. Call it menopause or whatever..... but there are just some moments that steal your breath away. Cade is growing up too. So fast. Not trying to be all sappy here, but when Aaron and I had some time to discuss school this fall, wow!!!! How does he get to be five in just a few short weeks. Of course I know, but when I was talking with Matt, I REMEMBER LITTLE MATTY BEING 5!!!! Oh, how I wish they could all just stay little. At least for a little while longer.

Perhaps it is just the day.....but I just have to wonder. Thru the new eyes that I have been seeing thru.....I am now SEEING my blessings- because of the rain drops.....