Yesterday was the last of my "worst" treatments. Reaching a first milestone- if you will. =)
On the day of treatment, you go in, they access your port and draw some blood, send it to lab and then call the Dr. with the results. This process can take anywhere from an hour to 4, like mine did yesterday.
My liver panel came back out of whack and my tumor marker came back high. Honestly, I do pretty good staying up beat, but as everyone knows you have to have a vent and yesterday mine just let go. I cried and cried and the poor nurses didn't know what to do with me. My friend who went with me painted my nails, read to me and just was there. So thankful for friends like mine who are so giving of their time, etc.
Anyhow, the tumor maker indicates if there is more cancer, etc. So, when I heard this, I just paniced! However, the other test they have run before checking for this same thing has since been phased out. So when you compare the new test with the old, it is sort of like comparing apples and oranges. There really is no way of comparing, etc. The Dr. did not seem the least bit concerned and told the nurses to have me not worry about it. I have questioned and struggled, etc. but I have come to see that in all honesty, you could get all the second opinions in the world, switch Dr.'s until we are blue in the face, but at the end of the day the problem isn't them- it's us.
How many of you would like to place your life in one man's hands? If he makes a mistake (which humans can do) we have someone to blame, but what if it cost's your life? You're angry, shoulda coulda woulda.........yet, isn't this the same thing we do when we say "YES" to the Lord? We place our life in HIS hands and allow HIM to take control. Sounds super easy, but in truth, isn't that where we struggle? Allowing Him full control? And if He asks more of us than we think that we can handle, we are angry? Maybe it isn't our life in the definition of life and death, but perhaps asking us to do something, or walk thru something that we don't really see the big picture- then that is too much and we give up, Look for alternate sources that make us feel "comfortable" or "safe" whether they are true or not, we just don't want to be inconvenienced or deal with perhaps the deeper issue.......TRUST.
What does it mean to trust? From my limited perspective it means to let go. To surrender, to put my full confidence in the Lord- whom I have never seen, but believe with my whole heart He is there, and that He is real. Am I scared? Terrified. But when I take my emotions out of the picture, the truth that I have known thru reading scripture, praying and even seen working in my life, is not only comforting, but trustworthy. Not from what I have conjured up, but because in whom I trust.....He alone is trustworthy. It isn't about second guessing. It is conforming your thoughts, actions and your words into unison, making a decision to trust with your whole heart. Life is so up and down and NOTHING in it is certain. It simply comes down to this......My heart will trust....will yours?
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