LOVE

Around Valentine's Day, the word LOVE is everywhere you look...decked out in pinks, reds, purple...just about anything goes these days. But the meaning of those four letters stay the same.

Just like my love, in regards to the love for my little boy that is.

Cade has been having headaches for about 7-8 wks. Before you turn me in, please understand I am DESPERATELY trying to overcome fears...of any kind. In that same timeframe he has had double ear infections, Adnoids removed, tubes in, Influenza A and a cold. Sure, your head is going to hurt. Give it time, I thought. Different Dr's and professionals agreed. But then he woke up in tears with a headache, bad enough that he wanted to stay home from school. That NEVER happens, so back to the Dr's we went. Something just wasn't right.

During our appointment as the Dr was suggesting Zyrtec, I noticed his serious expression as he said he would also like to get a CT of his brain done. When I asked about Mon/Tues of next week he said no, I was to go now and wait until they fit me in. I was feeling a cold spiral of fear creep up my back as the all too familiar sights and sounds came rushing in. I casually asked the Dr if he thought there was something to be worried about and he looked at me and said, "Well, I am not going to lie to you...we need to see if he has a brain tumor." This could NOT be happening to me.us.we.Cade.myfamily.again.stop.

Super mom put on her sunglasses to cry "just to be silly", sent out a few frantic texts to ask for prayer, and had some serious one on one with the Almighty. I said right outloud..."Alright, LORD! Your will, Your way...I will still love you."

Walking into the CT room, I felt a panic attack coming on, but my little guy was a champ. Squeezing my hand he looked up at me and said, "mommy don't leave me." I asked for some lead/suit covering and was able to hold his legs during his scan. I've already had some radiation...whats another dose? He had no idea his little comment was my desperate prayer to the Lord. As I looked up, there was a florescent light covering with something on it, and next to it was one filled with butterflies. Unbelievable.

The results? "Severe, severe sinusitis...infection everywhere", "Rest and some strong antibiotics".

My friend said, "Erin, your faith is so strong." *insert a loud snort-laugh*

Let me just clear something up.... I have a seriously weak heart along with a fragile backbone, weak knees and legs that look like "husky branches" a ballerina's...but I believe in a big God who is above all and in all and does as He pleases. He is sovereign, mighty, powerful and holds the number of our days in His capable hands. I don't always like His answers, His ways, or the journey He takes us on, but I am learning that knowing and living in HIS perfect Love, it casts out fear, regardless of the answers and outcome. It isn't that I won't fear again...but His supernatural strength gives those ballerina legs strength to stand thru the trials of this life. He was/is there, because He never left. He never will. He cannot go against who He is.

Great faith? No, not mine. The One I believe in is great.

Breast Cancer was not the answer I wanted to my prayers; It was His.

Being scared out of my mommy-loving-mind was not my idea of a pop-quiz to test/strengthen my faith.

My track record of "great faith" includes but is not limited to: curling up in the fetal position crying my eyes out during chemo; getting mad and throwing fits because I am sick of the drama in my life; deciding whether to puke, punch someone, or pass out with the mention of a CT scan for my little boy. If He can use this weaked knee-ed Jesus girl? I'm in...

Struggles seem to me like a backwards way of strengthening a person because I like the easy way.
It all seems backwards, yet follows the pattern of history all throughout the Bible. Trial and Error. Weak and then Strong. Stubborness, Miracles, forgiveness, And an overwhelming story of a Love so great for broken down people (for you and I!) that He risked far more than a little radiation exposure. He fought the flames of Hell for us...because He LOVE'S us.

The least we can do is love Him back. A million red skittles. To the moon and back. Forever and Always.