Pathology....

The Dr. called and I have stage 2 Breast Cancer. Which means it was in the lymph nodes. Only two out of the nine lymphs they took were positive. So thankful. He is teaching me much through this.

I prayed throughout the day that it wouldn't be in the Lymphs, but I see now that He can move even in spite of "fears" that still linger on the surface. I still have a peace and assurance that the Lord will bring me through this alive and well on the other side. It is scary looking at the long road ahead.

I cried today, simply because I just don't want to loose all my hair, etc. I never thought much of my hair/face looks before. I was always more conscious if I looked "fat", etc. It never occurred to me to worry about my face b/c that wasn't something anyone (especially myself) could change. It is what it is. I already feel deformed in many ways, I guess my pride just reared its ugly head when I realized that I will loose ALL my hair on my body. How humbling to know that this "tent" isn't our permanent home, but it sure is nice when we have it lookin' good!

When the emotions subside, I still refuse to be identified by cancer. It is something I have, NOT who I am. I have always looked at women going through this as strong and beautiful. I guess the Lord is showing me the same lesson, only through His eyes. It matters not what man thinks. Only Him. I am tired now and need to rest. He is good and loves me still and for now that is more than enough!

Waiting....

Today we are waiting on the Dr. to call with the Pathology reports. Praying that we hear great news! God is so good. Just when I need it, He is still sending me an encouragement through the mail, phone calls, or someone just dropping by.  I am truly humbled.

It has been a rough day today. For some reason, I felt awesome yesterday and ventured out to my in-laws to just lounge around and sleep, but it felt great to be out of my recliner and in a new environment.

I have been walking and doing my "little" exercises. They are very elementary, but it is shocking how just those simple things exhaust me!
I didn't keep up with my pain pills yesterday and am paying for it today. I passed out this morning....poor Aaron. I think I freaked him out. I have a very high pain tolerence and with this, it is VERY strange because I don't "feel" pain due to all the numbness, but I can tell it was getting intense b/c of the pressure and I was feeling soreness, but couldn't localize it. I don't really know how to explain it. I just could tell my body had "Had It" and I needed to rest. I am up and around again after eating and some pain meds, but laying VERY low.  3-5 minutes at a time.

I am going to rest now. I so appreciate your prayers. We are looking for GREAT news today. Lord willing I will be updating you all later today. Thank you so much for the support and love! What a blessing!

Changes....

I am up early this morning. It is commical to me because anymore it isn't just "me" that you see. I have my litte armpit pillows that follow me everywhere and I look pregnant with the drainage tubing, etc. Add to that, my mom very graciously went out and bought me several warm, cozy pj's to lounge in except they are rather on the large side. So I'm quite a circus moving throughout the house. =)

My days so far consist of resting and more resting. My drains will hopefully come out sometime this week at my checkup. Having help doing the most basic needs for yourself is truly humbling. I have to especially thank my sister, Alison for helping me throughout the day...and Adam who was my night-time "ninja". (we were working on waking him up when I would call him the first time. It drove him crazy that I had to call him twice.)

I don't have a lot of pain. Sometimes I have nerve pain that comes on all of the sudden and steals your breath away, but to be honest, I am numb from side to side. That much is permanent. Just learning to deal with it.

I have some new restrictions that I didn't expect at first, but really have no choice for at this point! I am high risk for Diabetes Type 2, due to hormone and Insulin reaction? For all you medical ppl, I am sure my explaination is poor! =) Anyhow, I have to begin walking an hour per day. Also, the cancer is estrogen fed, so they will be looking at doing a hysterectomy sometime in the next year. Crazy how "good" that can sound, especially when you are looking at trying to cut off the food supply to this thing! Lord willing, they believe they caught it all, but this is precautionary. Why they are doing this is b/c of my age. I have to be careful when I travel with swelling in my arms. I have to wear these awesome restrictive hose things...and watch that I don't get too hot, or cut myself. W/o my lymphs on the Left side, it makes it difficult to fight infections.

My "exercises" are coming a little easier for me. I don't feel like passing out after each one now. I am just really thirsty and tired. They said for some reason post-mastectomies do this.

I once sang a song called "Heal the Wound" and the lyrics came flooding back to me this morning. I will close with this:

"I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
And I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that you found me in
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem...

Heal the wound But leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful you are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar.

Don't let me forget
Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering."

Butterflies and Kisses

Hello my friends, yes....it's me! =) I am home and resting. I will say right up front that I had EXCELLENT care at Liberty Hospital! They were so wonderful and compassionate.

That being said, I have to share an awesome story with you. It began last Friday, actually, when we went out to the Watkins Mill Christmas Party. I shared a short testimony of my situation with the kids and they were overwhelmingly curious, gentle and so loving towards me. (Watkins Mill is a place for troubled teens- our worship team goes out each Christmas to do a party with them and have such a great time!)
While there, a young man came up to me and told me he was giving me a nickname. "Mari Posa" sp? meaning "Butterfly" in english. I asked him why he chose that specific name and he said, "Because a butterfly flies free and overcomes anything/everything." Wow! You can imagine how shocked I was to hear this from him, but even more so- my mom had just sent me a package in the mail and in it was three butterflies (one for each) that she "randomly" placed in there for us. How cool! So, here is the really awesome part. I was going back for surgery, being wheeled into the OR, when I looked over at this wall and guess what was painted all over it? Yes, butterflies. I asked the nurse if he had given me any meds yet or if I was hallucinating! There were in fact, butterflies and the last nurse I saw before I closed my eyes, wore a shirt and written across the front was "BELIEVE". So I did. I felt like those were tiny and huge reminders that we serve a God that is so into the details of our life. Let me say this again, HE IS SO GOOD! All glory to Him.

 I did hear good news today as well...they feel like they got it all, and the preliminary pathology reports are showing that it is NOT the aggressive type of cancer they suspected. AND they definitely caught it early. I asked my family Dr. why he even thought to send me to get a mamm./ultrasound in the first place? He said - "honestly I felt like the Lord told me to. I had no idea how to explain it to the Ins. Co., but I did it anyways." I am so thankful he did.

I remember waking up from surgery and I was crying. The nurse just put her face down by mine and said, "Honey, you are going to be OK. The Lord is with you." You know what? I never saw her again. Her name was Donna, and when I asked after her again, they said no one by that name worked in that dept. I just remember she held me and kissed my face. Amazing. Her face is branded in my memory.

This morning they removed the bandages and I just wept. There really isn't a way to prepare yourself for that moment, but I felt so comforted by the fact that He is Emmanuel and He will NEVER leave me.

That is all for now. I am tired and need to rest. Much love to all of you. Keep trusting....He is worthy.

Tomorrow....

My heart is heavy but at peace. Don't really know what to write right now. Not really sure how I am supposed to be feeling, but God is good. My focus is on Him and knowing that He WILL show up and be near me. He is Emmanuel- God with us. Oh, how I love the different names He goes by- just when we need Him, He is there.

Cade is ready to go spend the night at a friends, allowing my family to be with me. Emotions are high when I allow my mind to wander. I just love that little boy. Just trusting in the Lord to bring me through and Lord willing I will be cancer free TOMORROW!!!

I am grieving, but finally relieved that the day is on us. As of tomorrow, the big giant in front of me will be gone.
I was reminded of the movie "Facing the Giants".  I believe He is going to show up and we are going to see the miraculous. It is time to fight. The best part? We just have to show up- It is Him who does the fighting and it will be Him who gets the glory.

I love you all and say Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your prayers.
Surgery is at 7:30am. (central time) Hopefully ready for visitors by 11, or so they tell me. Just wait until I get my make-up on! =) (Just kidding...I  don't really have much pride left! =))

Moving Forward....

This morning I woke up crying. Don't ask me how you do that, but I did. "Hormonal" is a word that doesn't even comes close to describing what I feel like sometimes. Yesterday I was walking through Wal-Mart, stocking up on supplies, when I had a moment. I was standing in the paper towel/plates, etc. isle and I just had this desire to scream at the top of my lungs, "Does anybody care that I am standing here having the worst Christmas? I don't want to be in pain! I don't even want this cancer! I'm not getting a cart full of stuff for some great party that we're having....I'm getting this b/c I can't shop for weeks, clean my house for weeks, or even hug my baby for weeks. And right now I just want to be mad about it!!!" The moment quickly passed w/o my outburst being heard by anyone. It isn't any one's fault. It is life. We fight for it, and sometimes forget how precious it is until we stare it in the eye.

They have told me that Chemo forces you through menopause. Perfect. I will just say ahead of time- "I am truly sorry, and for the next year, please don't take anything I say (when I am having a "moment") personally." I will take names and have to apologize later!

Yesterday, my wonderful friend Lisa accompanied me to my appointment, while my other wonderful friend Rachelle watched Cade. The Dr. was so kind and compassionate. From what he knows right now, they have caught this early. Lymph node involvement is still in question, but they take everything on the left side anyway. As for the right, I believe he tests all of the nodes there, but will take the right "side" per my request, due to the extremely high risk.  He also explained the procedure to me and walked me through the next couple of weeks. (I inserted my own comments, too)  Here is what it looks like:

Thrus. - Surgery (and Lord willing CANCER FREE)
Fri.- Home from the hospital with a couple of drains.
Sat. - Christmas
Sun.- A day of rest.
Mon.- Check up
During the week sometime- Results from the surgery/Meeting with my Oncologist
Fri.- Lord willing, the drains removed
Weekend
Following week- Treatment begins.
From here: Treatment over the course of the next year. PET Scan- Lord willing, NO MORE CANCER IN MY  BODY. Surgery for Chemo port- if needed,  2-3 Surgeries for reconstruction, (when Chemo/Rad is done.) Looking forward to this time next year- when I can look back on this from the other side- Cancer Free/Success Story- Survivor.

Lots of rest and relaxing on the menu. Here was the funny part the nurse told me:  "Live life normally, just as you would. No pushing, pulling, or picking up for 6-8 weeks."  Normally? Basically don't do anything except shower, fix your hair, read, and little stuff. "Normally" is a loose translation for getting a little "control" back in your life when everything else is spinning.

Interesting facts to note about breast cancer:
-If you have had a mastectomy, you are unable to get your blood pressure on either arm that has been affected. I will have to have it taken on my thigh.
-The reconstruction, when done, will be considered a "prosthetic" (only a permanent one)

I have quickly noted that you don't have much pride left.  My normally private life is quickly diminishing. It is teaching me much about true humility. Once again, it is not about us. When I look at this, I can see there are so many people (myself included) who are learning so many valuable truths through this.

So today? I have blood work and pre-Op tests. 
THEN, my wonderful sister is flying in. We will have Christmas at the Shafer's, and enjoy a wonderful meal together! Tomorrow, my mom, dad, and brother come in. Can't wait to see them all! I love how there are so many blessings sprinkled in. It helps me keep my mind off "me" and onto other important things.

I don't intend to always talk about "me" in this blog. I am using this right now for updating people/journaling. I find it is much easier than repeating news and updates. I feel drained emotionally when I repeat it, but don't worry- you can STILL call. I love hearing from you all. In fact I started a scrapbook of sorts that is loaded with encouragement from each of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. It helps bring a little bit of Son-shine! He is SO good, don't you see it? He continues to amaze me!

"Armpit Awareness"

As I had mentioned earlier- Cade is quite a little character. When he found out that mommy had a "yucky" inside of her "armpits" that had to come out, he really didn't say much. He is like his dad in how he internalizes things. So, as the days went by I could see the "processing" happening with him. It seems like at night he comes up with 100 questions.
"Will you be in a wheel chair?"
"How will your legs feel?" (I think he is associating me with "papa" who is in a wheelchair and cannot walk)
"When will you get to pick me up again?"
"Will you bring me candy when you come home?"
So just a couple of days ago, he decided he is going to "help" mommy. He determined we are going to have an "Armpit Awareness" day. He is convinced I have cancer b/c I didn't wear enough deodorant. So for all of you- put on a little extra today as you think of "armpit awareness." The world will smell a little better, and it will brighten your day!