The Power of Words....

I have had so many wonderful people supporting Aaron and I through this time. I cannot begin to explain to you just how much those words are carrying us right now. Not excluding the Lord in any of this b/c all Glory for this is going to Him! But, sometimes those timely words are like a hug from the inside and let me just say- it goes soul deep.

While I was joking with some friends about writing a book titled: "what not to say" to someone with cancer, I realized there is definitely a need. everyone deals with things differently and not to be overly sensitive or callous, but to draw some much needed attention to something so many people are affected by. I prayed early on that the Lord would protect me from taking offense to anything anyone said b/c I have enough to carry, I don't need  more baggage for the journey. He has remained true to His word in doing this and has allowed me to see the outrageous and laugh about it.

Laughter has always been a part of me. If you ask my friends, I have one of those faces that must read- "Tell me your thoughts and don't hold back." If you read my FB status a couple of  weeks ago, I was buying a necklace that was super cute and the woman/girl behind the counter said, "Oh, what a cute necklace! A little young for you but I am a firm believer that you older ladies need a little something to make you feel young again!" Seriously??? I'm 30. That is NOT old. I plan on living until I'm 80- if she still works there I do the same thing! LOL

I assure you, the following came from complete strangers who had hearts of gold when finding out I had cancer. I needed a laugh this AM and thought of these. (No, I am not in denial. For some reason these just make me laugh. Aaron however was horrified. Thus the need for the book. =))

From a guy: "I don't mean to be nosey but I heard you have cancer. My mom had that and I took care of her. She died, so good luck! "
My internal response: "GOOD LUCK???

From a lady: "Well it is a good thing you have some extra weight to spare. I heard that Chemo really takes it out of you and leaves you looking pretty scrawny."
MIR: Thank you! Now I have a visual of a bald, scrawny person at the end of this journey to look forward to! ( hear my sarcasm coming through) FYI- not a helpful or hopeful response.

From a young lady: "Do you think reconstruction is spiritual?"
MIR: I really hope so b/c Aaron and I were rolling with laughter last Sunday in church when I asked him if "everything" goes with us in the Rapture! I just don't want to look funny for when the Lord comes!

From a guy: "You can borrow my grandmas wigs. She doesn't need them anymore- she died."
MIR: ?????

From a Lady: "Well my best friend went to a wonderful Oncologist. If you like I could get the name for you."
ME: "Oh that is so nice, Thank you. How is your friend doing?"
LADY: "Well, she died last month."
ME: "I am so sorry to hear that."
MIR: "I think I will find another Dr."

I hope you were able to laugh and perhaps see how everyone could take these different ways. Yes, they are are all (unfortunately) true- however, they have taught me invaluable lessons on "what not to say".

People have told me they just don't know what to say so they don't say anything. I would tell you from my experience, just a hug will suffice. I don't have cooties and no cancer is not contagious. Cancer does not define who I am. As a great friend recently said, "Erin, your tent has cancer, not you. You go much deeper than that." He was encouraging me to not lose myself in this walk, but to keep being me. He's right. This is something I am dealing with b/c at the end of the day I am still a mommy, a wife, a friend, sister, daughter. I still feel. Cancer can take a lot from you- but it can never take your peace, joy, personality, or even your need for a good laugh without your permission.

I have my moments and will for some time. What I am learning is, to cry when I feel like crying. I apologize to the people in Hobby Lobby....my moment came when I was buying some envelopes. Then again when I was folding my "clothes."  I just lost it. How different my life will be in just one week from today. I grieve for the loss. The change. The unknown. I take great comfort in the fact the Jesus goes by so many names. I believe it was for such times like these. Jehovah Jirah- Provider. Deliverer. Redeemer. Jehovah Rapha- Lord God who Heals. Emmanuel- God with us. There is so much POWER in Words.

Time...

I think over the course of the past 16 hours, my emotions have gone sky high to the depths, all in about 2 seconds. I have had to have the "never want to have" conversation with my little boy 2 times as he asks, "Mommy, why are you sick? Are you going to die? I don't want you to leave me, mommy! I need you!" How in the world do you pull out your supermom mask at a moment like that? When his eyes spill over with tears of sadness? He is pretty preceptive and figured it out on his own. As I was comforting him, he says "I wish it would be daddy who is sick cause he gives me hard spankings, you let me get away with anything!" =) He is a little sunshine! He keeps saying and praying that God is going to heal mommy and that Jesus is going to make mommy's "armpits" all better. My heartfelt prayer as well.

Time will tell. It tells a lot, if we are willing to listen. Time tells things like truth, love, hope, and in the darkest of times, just how much courage you can muster in the face of fear. And, I believe that healing is in time as well. God is so amazing in how much He shows us, too. But, it takes time. Time to mature, time to grow, and like Solomon said, "there is a time for everything..."  So much wrapped up in a four letter word.

As I have had some "time" to think about this, there is rather miraculous findings in this story as well. 1st- most women find breast cancer when it is Walnut-sized. For what they know, mine is the size of a small marble and I didn't find it- they did. 2nd- cancer doesn't "hurt" so when I went in for some painful, swollen lymph nodes, they were shocked that that was my only symptom. When you have two Doctors look at you and say that I wouldn't have found this for years yet, you have to believe the hand of a Living God was involved. 3rd- I have two nodes involved (that they can see) and most have 5-6 upon discovery and each survivor I have talked with said that they had no pain or tenderness. Amazing....don't you see it? This has the Lord stamped all over it.

It is incredible how this news changes what I used to "worry" about. I have wondered more than once- if the whole world could look through any one persons eyes, who have dealt with this thing or are going through it- how different the world would be. No, we are nothing special.....it just made me think how I will live my life from now on. For instance, I was cut off in the grocery line the other day. I normally would have internallized a very human and not nice response, and instead I found myself really looking at that person and wondering...what are they going through? Who hurt them so bad that they just walk around hurting? Hurting people, hurt people.

So, I'll leave you with this thought today....what are we going to do with the time we all have to change the world? Me? I am learning to trust in the One True God. He changed my life when I was 8 yrs old and changes it still. It all comes back to this....It Is Not About Us. There is a world outside our door, going to hell b/c they do not know Jesus, and perhaps have never heard. We are in a battle. It is time to rally the troops and go to war- not just to fight cancer, but to show Jesus to the world. If this is my platform that He is using in my life, then I pray that I will glorify Him alone in this and that I can show the world the true Hope of Christmas- Emmanuel, God is with us; Jehovah Rapha, Lord God who heals; Jesus, The One who Saves.
I don't need a temporary man-made deity, when I've got the real thing. I truly believe that He is going to bring me through this alive and well....It is just "time" to get my game face on!

Results......

Well my friends, I wish I had better news.
My tests all came back positive. I have breast cancer.
I am overwhelmed at the moment, but certain the Lord is with me.
I would appreciate your prayers for us.
Dr.'s appt. set for Monday.....Surgery will be next week. They will be taking both sides due to my age and of course the results.
I'm gonna need your support and to fight with us in this.
One day at a time....

Live and Learn....

I used to be a very fearful person. Still working on that.  A lot of people- myself included- felt that I had good reason to be with the various roads my life has taken this far. Since I knew this about myself, I just sort of took things for granted and excused this sin in my life- and yes, I mean sin- and continued to be a "good" Christian. We all have the makings of being a "great" one- if there is such a thing. Faithful is a better word I think.

This past week, I was reading scripture and it came to mind over and over....."Be anxious for nothing..."
"Do not worry....." "Fear not...." These are just a few commands that I read over and suddenly I realized something. I had characterized my life so closely to look like fear, that when something really fearful is staring me in the eye, I had to repent of this to the Lord. I didn't like what I saw, not because I was concerned with what others thought about me, but my life, when laid out next to scripture was found lacking. I came up short, dreadfully short. We serve a forgiving God. He forgives even before we ask, but the reason we still need to ask is so that our prideful hearts will be humbled enough and in position for His unmerited favor- that's grace people! And so that the relationship will be restored- nothing in between- to where He desires it to be so.

I, in NO way, feel that this situation is in any way "because" of my sin. There are times when the Lord allows things in our lives to bring us to the point of forgiveness, and even to strengthen our faith. Take for instance a young tree. Did you know that the tree is just as large underground, as it is above? Do you know what makes the roots grow? The WIND. The force against it. Pressure. Trial. The weak trees break. The strong trees fight against the wind and the roots grow down deep. This is so parallel to our lives in Christ. When trials come, yes- I want to give up. I want to break in two. It feels as if I am and you begin to doubt....but, when you realize that He has brought you through before, or though a fierce wind and it/you didn't break-there is your hope. Rooted in Christ Jesus. Sometimes when a tree has been wind whipped so much, it can start to grow in a bend fashion- not as it was intended. It is those times when the Master Gardener will come and put a stake into the ground and tie the bent branch to it. It is that trees job at that point to grow straight. Resting in the arms of the "string". So, when the winds of fears and doubts subside for a time, you know that you know that you know- God IS good. He will NEVER leave you. With Him NOTHING is impossible. Though no one but the Master Gardener can tell- you are living and learning...

Finding Peace.....

Well, we don't have much for an update except that I have a Biopsy on Tuesday and results should be on Friday. Lots of things to think about. All the "if" scenarios. They found a new spot that will be tested as well. I cannot say that I was thrilled with that, but I am thankful that they caught it.

I am learning to find peace. Bit by bit. Surprisingly it comes in the most random places. For example, when someone who never prays, tells me they picked up a Bible and read a verse and while they thought of me they prayed. Or a little girl who comes up to me and says, "you're the bravest person I know." It is in those moments that I feel like I am being "hugged" from the inside-out. That there is a purpose in this.

The Lord has been so faithful. I don't want you to get the impression that I just "Have it all together." For whatever reason, mornings are the worst. This morning found me on my knees dry-heaving, when I tried to take on the magnitude of "what could be." So I prayed....I mean- fall on your knees-type of praying that leaves you feeling spent, but hopeful.

Even though I feel like I am living through my worst nightmare, I begin to realize it is taking things one step at a time. Aaron's dad always said, "if He brings you to it, He'll bring you through it." There is peace knowing that each new day His mercies are new and that He gives me the strength to meet each challenge, just like He does each of us. It is good to be reminded. He IS good and He is SO faithful. That is what I am learning....surrendering means let go...and I mean REALLY let go. It is there that I find my peace.

His Will- His Way

Like I said in an earlier blog....life is always changing. The one constant that we can always "depend" on.

Yesterday, Aaron and I recieved some stagering news. After several tests, the Dr. feels that I have breast cancer. This is NOT confirmed yet through a biopsy, but Lord willing the biopsy will take place this week and will prove to be a huge mistake and exaggeration! Once you hear the "C" word, you naturally let your mind wander and think of the worse case senarios. I am just not going there. I am a pretty scrappy fighter if provoked! =) I am determined that if it is cancer, that I am going to kick this thing in the rear.

I will try to be as sensitive as I can in explaining this as it is rather "uncomfortable" to talk about.
I went in b/c of some swollen lymph nodes under my arm that I had noticed for a couple of weeks. They did the U/S and Mammogram and they noticed a mass. Upon further pictures and "blown up close" versions of the above mentioned tests, he was very frank and candid with me. I knew it wasn't good after being there for almost 4  hours and then when the nurse came around and started rubbing my back, well lets just say the flood gates opened. It was late by this time. 6pm, so of course they were only able to make a call and leave a message (to some other Dr.s and Surgeons) along with giving me my films. He told me what to expect over the next couple of weeks, but I tell you I was shocked.

We are looking at a biopsy later this week. Upon the results of those, if negative....we will shouting hallelujah! If they go the other way....we will still praise Him. Being only 30, he said they will take drastic measures and act quickly. I am praying that if this is cancer, that it will be isolated ONLY to this area.

Someone asked me if I was mad at God. To risk "sounding religious" I will tell you that no, I'm not at this point, but if I were, that the Lord can handle it. For I believe that NOTHING surprises Him or is sifted through His hands without His permission. It is His Sovreignty. Sufficiency, and His Faithfulness that I am clinging to through the relationship I have with a loving Father. Do we only take the good in life and not the bad? Does it not rain on the righteous and the unrighteous alike? (the "deserving" or "undeserving") Like the potter and the clay (Is. 29:16, 45:9, 64:8; Jer. 18:6, and Rom, 9:21), if I believe in God, then I have to take the WHOLE Bible as His Word. He knows, He cares, and He is indeed in complete control. I do not have the power to call forth the wind or to still a storm to a whisper, but I do have power in the very Name of Jesus, to call on Him in my hour of need and have absolute assurance that He is right there and will never leave. To ask for peace to surpass my understanding. And to rest in His loving arms...which is where I plan to stay.

I wish I didn't have to share this or walk this road even. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I will also share that I have this thing called "black humor." For anyone who has it, you can feel my pain when in the worst of times, there is something that comes over you and you cannot help but laugh. Perhaps it is how we cope....but while sitting there talking and crying with my dear husband, I said: "Aaron, if what he (the dr.) says is true, and I do have to have massive "surgery" then I'm going the whole way with the plastic surgery thing. I would not normally say this, but if i have to have some reconstruction done at least the insurance will pay for it and I will wear it loud and proud." Don't judge me! =)

Out of the mouths of babes.....

Motherhood is a funny thing. It does things to you. One moment you are caught up in nostalgia, wishing for the days gone by and the next praying for the rapture, more to escape the pure embarrasment than a particular desire to be caught up with the Lord.

Like every mother, we all have to brag on our kids once in a while. We love them and it just comes naturally. Once in a while you are bound to have those, "oh, no" moments when you can't quite control the situation and usually you end up embarrassed and suddenly wishing you were anywhere other than where you are at the moment. Cade is currently at that stage. Words flow and I can see the wheels turning when he tries to ponder what a particular word means, etc.

Some of the time I post things on FB, and others I will just jot down in this handy little book I recieved called, "Out Of The Mouths Of Babes." So, I thought some of you might like to hear some of the hilariously embarrasing and sweet things that Cade has said, particularly my mom. I write this more for entertainment than bragging rights, as you will soon see.....and YES, the following is all true.

Cade: "Mom, I think that lady just came from build-a-bear!"
Me: "Why do you think that?"
Cade: "Because she looks like she just came from stuffing her pants in there! I think she must have gotten stuck because she is HUGE!"  (insert a "rapture" moment as the lady heard us)

Cade: "Dear God, thank you for our blessings and for Real and for Pete's Sake- because my mommy uses them all the time! Amen"

While listening to the GPS-
Cade: "Yeah, we gottch "sugar!" We'll do it!"

"Mom, sleep is SO distracting! It keeps trying to keep me from waking up."

To the lady doing our taxes:
"Do you think we can get this back in cash money? It sure would spend a lot better."  

To my grandmother...
"Don't worry Great-gramma, I'm sure a nice guy will come along one of these days and just make you real happy! Then you won't be alone anymore!"

Cade: "Mom, if I said, "I love you" will that get me out of trouble?"
ME: "No, I don't think that will work."
Cade: "What if I said dinner was amazing, too?"

I will end with that. He is a sweetie and I just love him!  There are many more, but for my mom, I wanted to post these!