My mom recently gifted me a book. I quickly sifted through some of the chapter titles and realized immediately that it was full of all sorts of wisdom and wit and things that I just didn't have time for. Sounds selfish I know, but hear me out. Each time I see books like this one, it makes me feel guilty. Overwhelmed. And desperately failing for sure. My heart longs to have "time." To processes things. I just don't have that right now. Not the kind of time to try to fix everything that's broken. You catch my drift. Sometimes when you're in this type of funk you just need Jesus in a big way--not guilt.
So late one night, I cracked it open and started to read. I couldn't sleep anyway, so I thought why not!
I read the chapter on bitterness, unforgiveness, overwhelming need, loving God, desperate feelings, all these things (such great things) and definitely needed, but I just wasn't tracking with it. It just didn't seem like these were the "issues" that I knew the Lord was gently working on in me. (And you'll know it's Him because He's gentle and kind.) And when he lets you know your "issues" liquid relief flows down your face. At least down mine.
I was fine...Until I got to disappointment.
One sentence that the author spoke to her child, I read over and over and over again.
"...fairness doesn't live here anymore. But Jesus does." (Sheila Walsh)
Disappointment that life just isn't what you thought it would be. It didn't bring the things you thought you needed. It brought different. And with different, change. Change of everything you knew, or dreamed of. Spelled out sometimes, in unfairness. Disappointment.
Jesus came...in a big way.
Let me just clarify: I certainly struggle with the other things, but this one (Disappointment/fairness) is something the Lord and I have been playing tug-of-war over for some time now. Sometimes at mid-life or just in this life we find ourselves disappointed in every area of our lives. It can look dark and overwhelming.
When I shared this with Aaron, I told him that I don't want to hold this against God anymore. It was time to let it go. Just stop the negative self talk inside my head. To let go of this stronghold that's held our marriage in bondage at times. I may not like what cancer has done to my body, but when I look at those pictures I see a person who is alive and well. And has all the rest of her life to work it off. It's a gift. And a gift that Aaron has learned to accept as well. Jesus is Emmanuel. God with us, even in our broken parts.
When I look at my little, I see a spicy little girl, who takes life by the hands. Both hands. Sometimes requiring all hands that are available. (Like when she dumped laundry detergent ALL OVER THE FLOOR AT THE STORE, topped it off with a package of nerds she "found" in the candy isle she stood by as I cleaned the floor.) I see Jesus.
When I look at my oldest I see one who challenges me with learning new things and the blessedness of parenthood (especially through the hormone years.) Again I see Jesus.
When I look at our church, I see goodness, growth, and that sometimes there's gonna be people that say mean things about myself or my kids or my man. All I can do is pray that their disappointment becomes the catalyst for change in their life. The catapult that will launch them into seeking the Lord with all their heart, and if it's not at our church, that they would go with God, to the place where he is leading. Bless and release, as my sister-in-law says. Jesus is near.
Fairness may not live here anymore, but Jesus does. And He's taken the Disappointment too and filled its place with His presence. Room for the fruits that His Spirit brings that can cultivate change in the world around me. Especially my own outlook.
So today, I bear my soul and tell you that no, my life is not perfect, but I love it. In fact I just finished researching whether or not I needed Poison Control or Charcoal at the ER as my spicey little girl broke a glittery baton and DRANK the contents.
God Bless every broken road that leads us to the cross. Wifin' is hard. Mommin' is tough. Preacher wifin' ain't for wimps. But...
There are times we have to learn to acknowledge (and DEAL with the fact) that sometimes life is unfair, and disappointing...but it is also good and funny (and we all needed a good laugh knowing that we will now poop glittery-sparkly poop for days.)
Let Jesus live with you today.
***I really did have DARLING pics to go with this blog, however they aren't loading and Libbi has now released the birds into the house. I must go...#obviously
Friday, February 3, 2017
Sunday, December 18, 2016
Come, let us adore Him...
It's a snow day tomorrow. The fire is crackling, Christmas lights are on, the kids are asleep, and there's quiet. Or relative quiet. Aaron has football on-so there's that.
We are doing our best at catching up on all the Christmas movies out there. Hallmark classics, and even some oldies and goodies! As we were watching the Sound of Music tonight, Cade made the exclamation, "they make girls look like they are light as feathers or something. That's a lie! They are heavy as rocks!"
He is getting coal in his stocking.
Every night, as the dark comes early, Aaron will get on his hands and knees and play superheroes with the kids. It is hysterical. Imagine if you will, grown man with a bright orange rope for his super power. One minute he's the Flash, and the next minute he's the man with the magic power of the golden rope. Libbi is queen Elsa with ice magic, and will yell screaming through the house, "don't worry I won't pull your heart out, I just take it out and keep it in my box. Nicely. Right mom?"
Umm, yeah.
I've struggled this year as December 23 approaches. This date comes every year, but for this year my flashbacks are real, and vivid. I also remember how I felt reading about the Christ-child that year. The Emmanuel, God with us. He came near, and is still near. Perhaps it's because of how deeply Advent has impacted me this year that it made me remember.
Earlier this week My mother-in-law had an appointment and had to be at the office by 6:45am. It was a cold morning, and the snow was starting to fly, and the stars were bright and shining. I smiled at Libbi and her Sleepy-eyed and Tussled hair functioning quite well for being disturbed from her slumber. Because of the early hour and no provision for small children, I decided it would be a perfect time to go shopping. Because that's just what you do at 0-dark 30 in the morning.
So there I was...shopping, and killin' time. Libbi was singing loud with powdered donuts in hand when I heard someone say my name. Who in their right mind would be out that early? And what would be the chances that It was my doctor? The kind hearted soul who found my cancer. It had been 5 years since I've seen him. (He changed jobs.) We caught up on his life, his job, my kids, and Aaron.
We parted ways, said nothing about cancer, and I knew without a doubt that the God of Abraham, Jacob, & Isaac was still alive and well. That sorrow lasts for a moment and Joy, to the whole world, has come and will come in the morning. His call is always "where are you?" He longs for our time with Him. Even if we have to be reminded in the middle of Sam's Club that the God who is near is the God who hears. That in His presence our fears have no place. And at the sound of his voice, the darkness flees.
I would love to say that the Star of Bethlehem shone bright and that the angels were singing, and gathered all around to complete the moment, but the flourecent bulbs of Sam's Club and the repeated over-head-page for customer service assistance was all I heard.
But He was there.
And will be there for you- for me-for all of us.
Whatever you're carrying; hiding; seeking; grieving; celebrating; dreading; giving or getting this year, will never EVER STOP His presence. It's as unending as His love for each of us.
At the very end of every fear is "alone." And the greatest gift that ever was came and abolished that forever. We don't have to fear that or say it ever again in that context again, unless it's at this Christmas time when we raise our voices loud and sing that He ALONE is worthy, yes, it is Christ the King.
Come, let us adore Him.
Hugs to you and yours,
~ Erin
We are doing our best at catching up on all the Christmas movies out there. Hallmark classics, and even some oldies and goodies! As we were watching the Sound of Music tonight, Cade made the exclamation, "they make girls look like they are light as feathers or something. That's a lie! They are heavy as rocks!"
He is getting coal in his stocking.
Every night, as the dark comes early, Aaron will get on his hands and knees and play superheroes with the kids. It is hysterical. Imagine if you will, grown man with a bright orange rope for his super power. One minute he's the Flash, and the next minute he's the man with the magic power of the golden rope. Libbi is queen Elsa with ice magic, and will yell screaming through the house, "don't worry I won't pull your heart out, I just take it out and keep it in my box. Nicely. Right mom?"
Umm, yeah.
I've struggled this year as December 23 approaches. This date comes every year, but for this year my flashbacks are real, and vivid. I also remember how I felt reading about the Christ-child that year. The Emmanuel, God with us. He came near, and is still near. Perhaps it's because of how deeply Advent has impacted me this year that it made me remember.
Earlier this week My mother-in-law had an appointment and had to be at the office by 6:45am. It was a cold morning, and the snow was starting to fly, and the stars were bright and shining. I smiled at Libbi and her Sleepy-eyed and Tussled hair functioning quite well for being disturbed from her slumber. Because of the early hour and no provision for small children, I decided it would be a perfect time to go shopping. Because that's just what you do at 0-dark 30 in the morning.
So there I was...shopping, and killin' time. Libbi was singing loud with powdered donuts in hand when I heard someone say my name. Who in their right mind would be out that early? And what would be the chances that It was my doctor? The kind hearted soul who found my cancer. It had been 5 years since I've seen him. (He changed jobs.) We caught up on his life, his job, my kids, and Aaron.
We parted ways, said nothing about cancer, and I knew without a doubt that the God of Abraham, Jacob, & Isaac was still alive and well. That sorrow lasts for a moment and Joy, to the whole world, has come and will come in the morning. His call is always "where are you?" He longs for our time with Him. Even if we have to be reminded in the middle of Sam's Club that the God who is near is the God who hears. That in His presence our fears have no place. And at the sound of his voice, the darkness flees.
I would love to say that the Star of Bethlehem shone bright and that the angels were singing, and gathered all around to complete the moment, but the flourecent bulbs of Sam's Club and the repeated over-head-page for customer service assistance was all I heard.
But He was there.
And will be there for you- for me-for all of us.
Whatever you're carrying; hiding; seeking; grieving; celebrating; dreading; giving or getting this year, will never EVER STOP His presence. It's as unending as His love for each of us.
At the very end of every fear is "alone." And the greatest gift that ever was came and abolished that forever. We don't have to fear that or say it ever again in that context again, unless it's at this Christmas time when we raise our voices loud and sing that He ALONE is worthy, yes, it is Christ the King.
Come, let us adore Him.
Hugs to you and yours,
~ Erin
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
Mentoring
Hey y'all! It's almost Christmas! At our house that means we've been waiting for it for the whole year. I have two kids that love Christmas even more than I do! It's a big deal around here. How about you?
With all the hustle and bustle and tradition, we find ourselves looking for the King of Kings. We've been going through Advent with Ann Voskamp's book (annvoskamp.com). SO good. And pure and loving. This is her second year through and I have yet to get through it without crying. Like a baby, all is lost, and then found. Great reminders. Such a wonderful perspective about Jesus and the event of his birth.
I'm also reading a book called "desperate." It's a book of hope for mom to need to breathe. Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe. Desperate: Hope Excellent stuff! Such a great reminder of why we need mentors for ourselves, and to mentor those younger than us. I'm in that season. I just found a wonderful mentor for myself, I don't know what I would do with out "G"!
She lovingly guides me through the ups and downs of being a woman, a mother, a wife, and a pastor's wife. What a precarious path! Sometimes the lines connect well, but most days I feel like I'm in a big tangled knot!
The sweet girl-turned-woman I once mentored is now married and making her way in life. I love watching her flourish on her own walk with Jesus. Not long after she said "I do," I was introduced to my next. She is so dear. The feelings of "oh my gosh, what do I say here?" "I'm not qualified for this." Yes, all the feels are there, and I've laid them at the Lords feet. I canNOT do this on my own, nor can I turn away this opportunity. I look forward to this new season of growth.
If ever there was a time and need for mentoring, it is now. What about you? Have you ever thought about it? I promise, you'll never regret it! It's not about having the perfect answers and being the perfect person. It's about being real, authentic, and sharing your heart with hers. Taking her to the feet of the Lord where the cross can bridge any gaps between you.
My kids are awake, so that means I must go adult for today. Libby is howling, like a wolf. Cade is singing, and practicing his poem that he has chosen for speech class. My world is full of overachievers and little stinkers. I love it. At least most days. *wink*
With all the hustle and bustle and tradition, we find ourselves looking for the King of Kings. We've been going through Advent with Ann Voskamp's book (annvoskamp.com). SO good. And pure and loving. This is her second year through and I have yet to get through it without crying. Like a baby, all is lost, and then found. Great reminders. Such a wonderful perspective about Jesus and the event of his birth.
I'm also reading a book called "desperate." It's a book of hope for mom to need to breathe. Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe. Desperate: Hope Excellent stuff! Such a great reminder of why we need mentors for ourselves, and to mentor those younger than us. I'm in that season. I just found a wonderful mentor for myself, I don't know what I would do with out "G"!
She lovingly guides me through the ups and downs of being a woman, a mother, a wife, and a pastor's wife. What a precarious path! Sometimes the lines connect well, but most days I feel like I'm in a big tangled knot!
The sweet girl-turned-woman I once mentored is now married and making her way in life. I love watching her flourish on her own walk with Jesus. Not long after she said "I do," I was introduced to my next. She is so dear. The feelings of "oh my gosh, what do I say here?" "I'm not qualified for this." Yes, all the feels are there, and I've laid them at the Lords feet. I canNOT do this on my own, nor can I turn away this opportunity. I look forward to this new season of growth.
If ever there was a time and need for mentoring, it is now. What about you? Have you ever thought about it? I promise, you'll never regret it! It's not about having the perfect answers and being the perfect person. It's about being real, authentic, and sharing your heart with hers. Taking her to the feet of the Lord where the cross can bridge any gaps between you.
My kids are awake, so that means I must go adult for today. Libby is howling, like a wolf. Cade is singing, and practicing his poem that he has chosen for speech class. My world is full of overachievers and little stinkers. I love it. At least most days. *wink*
Thursday, November 17, 2016
Good morning!
Good morning! We are smack dab in the middle of our fall/Christmas planning season at church. So much fun ahead, I love the seasons! Change is certainly a constant.
The kids are well, still recovering from the fact that I made them run across the yard to get our family pictures taken last night, in the cold, over at our wonderful neighbors house! LOL! M and D are the best! Seriously, we live in Mayberry. I love all of our neighbors, even the horse that visits every other day! And the dog that poops in my front yard flowerbeds.
These last three months have found us searching for answers to Libbi's speech problem. Lots of testing, and now therapy to come, but the girl is a riot! Her expressions and those eyes speak volumes! She's really into my make up, praying for my make up, and playing in my make up. See the pattern?
Cade is cruising along, loving all of his gifted classes! He was trying to explain some game he was creating to Aaron and I; we looked at each other after he had gone to bed and declared that we officially have a nerd in our house. We love it! I'm not sure where he got the smarts, as Aaron and I completely failed the game.
The kids are well, still recovering from the fact that I made them run across the yard to get our family pictures taken last night, in the cold, over at our wonderful neighbors house! LOL! M and D are the best! Seriously, we live in Mayberry. I love all of our neighbors, even the horse that visits every other day! And the dog that poops in my front yard flowerbeds.
These last three months have found us searching for answers to Libbi's speech problem. Lots of testing, and now therapy to come, but the girl is a riot! Her expressions and those eyes speak volumes! She's really into my make up, praying for my make up, and playing in my make up. See the pattern?
Cade is cruising along, loving all of his gifted classes! He was trying to explain some game he was creating to Aaron and I; we looked at each other after he had gone to bed and declared that we officially have a nerd in our house. We love it! I'm not sure where he got the smarts, as Aaron and I completely failed the game.
Sunday, October 2, 2016
Cover me...
It's easy to toss the idea around and prepare to take your fair share when you think you'll need it, but much more difficult to give. Especially to the needy.
It certainly doesn't grow on trees or gather like dust on the coffee tables. But maybe it should.
GRACE
Maybe if it was stocked in every grocery chain and packed in between the magazines at the end of every isle it would make a difference. Easy to grab means easy to come by.
It would make a great snack.
We say it. Believe in it. Smile when children say it.
I've been changed by it. Saved by it. And challenged by it. But what if the "needy"one is me?
It shows up as ignored stains on a mommas t-shirt. In the ratted hair of a precarious toddler. And in the understanding eyes of a weary mother across the isle in church.
It makes its appearance in the after moments of when you've spoken too loudly to a child that challenges every nerve you own and snots on the very last one. It holds you in the moments you want to lose it and pushes you to greatness when you find it.
I don't want to give it because I think one day it will run out. I fear that my latest mistake will become the biggest mistake that grace cannot cover. At the very bottom of my heart I fear. Fear that the one who gave it will come up short and in that time of need, the short stick will be mine.
I have the hardest time giving grace--to myself.
Yet, the grace I need to give myself is the very same grace that saved me. Like working oil into a piece of leather, the repetitious motions eventually soften the hardest of hides and remove the darkest stains of lies. Lies that stain deep are hard to remove, but not impossible.
And it is everywhere. Well placed. Stocked full to overflowing. Very accessible and in every season that we need it. Boy do we need it!
Weary mama, take a breath. Breathe deep of grace. Gods grace.
Little child, settle your self in knowing that you are loved just as you are.
Sister, friend, secret keeper...you too embrace this grace...the unmerited favor of God.
Tomorrow is a new day, and in the newness is mercy. A beautiful, identical twin to grace.
Today may not feel great, but it IS great because of Grace.
If you're like me, giving grace to myself will take practice. Lots of it. We are always hardest on ourselves, but we don't have to be. Not anymore.
Grace gives us courage to cry, to put our big-girl pants on, and keep going. For when we live in grace, we live without fear.
And that, sweet friend, changes EVERYthing.
It certainly doesn't grow on trees or gather like dust on the coffee tables. But maybe it should.
GRACE
Maybe if it was stocked in every grocery chain and packed in between the magazines at the end of every isle it would make a difference. Easy to grab means easy to come by.
It would make a great snack.
We say it. Believe in it. Smile when children say it.
I've been changed by it. Saved by it. And challenged by it. But what if the "needy"one is me?
It shows up as ignored stains on a mommas t-shirt. In the ratted hair of a precarious toddler. And in the understanding eyes of a weary mother across the isle in church.
It makes its appearance in the after moments of when you've spoken too loudly to a child that challenges every nerve you own and snots on the very last one. It holds you in the moments you want to lose it and pushes you to greatness when you find it.
I don't want to give it because I think one day it will run out. I fear that my latest mistake will become the biggest mistake that grace cannot cover. At the very bottom of my heart I fear. Fear that the one who gave it will come up short and in that time of need, the short stick will be mine.
I have the hardest time giving grace--to myself.
Yet, the grace I need to give myself is the very same grace that saved me. Like working oil into a piece of leather, the repetitious motions eventually soften the hardest of hides and remove the darkest stains of lies. Lies that stain deep are hard to remove, but not impossible.
And it is everywhere. Well placed. Stocked full to overflowing. Very accessible and in every season that we need it. Boy do we need it!
Weary mama, take a breath. Breathe deep of grace. Gods grace.
Little child, settle your self in knowing that you are loved just as you are.
Sister, friend, secret keeper...you too embrace this grace...the unmerited favor of God.
Tomorrow is a new day, and in the newness is mercy. A beautiful, identical twin to grace.
Today may not feel great, but it IS great because of Grace.
Grace gives us courage to cry, to put our big-girl pants on, and keep going. For when we live in grace, we live without fear.
And that, sweet friend, changes EVERYthing.
Monday, June 27, 2016
When the Howdy's linger...
"Howdy!"
Such a darling greeting where one feels good and passes the feeling on to others.
We've had many "Howdy's," of late. With the fast approach of the 4th of July, I'm getting used to saying hello to fireworks, late nights, and the hug of good friends! It's like the celebrating of "Halfway to Christmas!" Or in our case...Thanksgiving when we will see these crazys again...
Michigan was a great time; visiting with friends and family and celebrating. Twice in a month made for a lot of driving, but oh so worth it.
I wish I could live in both places. Be with everyone I love, all the time.
They'd probably be over it long before I would but the memories made are such a gift.
We had to say goodbye. Return to our home and continue running our race.
Some of us use scooters...
We said hello to a dear friend, and found our hello lingering as we knew that all too soon we would say goodbye, for now. We said those words two weeks later, almost to the day. I've never felt so inspired or encouraged by a funeral. Several times I found myself sitting on my hands trying to not break out clapping, or leaning close to my mom, sharing with her my inappropriately timed humor just to keep from bursting. Whether from tears or laughter, or both. Ken Miller was a good man and led a great life. He truly finished well. His legacy played out as his family, friends, and elder friends lay him in the ground and returned him to the dust from which we all came.
My "howdy" lingered, because goodbye was stuck in my throat. It felt too final for what my faith was believing...that Ken is in the presence of The Lord. The One, the Only. Hello was just the beginning for him, when he breathed out his last broken breath. His next inhalation was one of exhilaration-- that would keep him alive forever.
So, as I've returned home, the only normal around here is the setting on my dryer--you know, the one never used. I've let my "hello" linger. Because it is today. And normal is the "right now." Stay there. Stay present.
And learn to linger. Because today's "howdy" is a gift.
Let it linger...
Such a darling greeting where one feels good and passes the feeling on to others.
We've had many "Howdy's," of late. With the fast approach of the 4th of July, I'm getting used to saying hello to fireworks, late nights, and the hug of good friends! It's like the celebrating of "Halfway to Christmas!" Or in our case...Thanksgiving when we will see these crazys again...
Michigan was a great time; visiting with friends and family and celebrating. Twice in a month made for a lot of driving, but oh so worth it.
I wish I could live in both places. Be with everyone I love, all the time.
They'd probably be over it long before I would but the memories made are such a gift.
We had to say goodbye. Return to our home and continue running our race.
Some of us use scooters...
And sometimes Kayaks...
We said hello to a dear friend, and found our hello lingering as we knew that all too soon we would say goodbye, for now. We said those words two weeks later, almost to the day. I've never felt so inspired or encouraged by a funeral. Several times I found myself sitting on my hands trying to not break out clapping, or leaning close to my mom, sharing with her my inappropriately timed humor just to keep from bursting. Whether from tears or laughter, or both. Ken Miller was a good man and led a great life. He truly finished well. His legacy played out as his family, friends, and elder friends lay him in the ground and returned him to the dust from which we all came.
My "howdy" lingered, because goodbye was stuck in my throat. It felt too final for what my faith was believing...that Ken is in the presence of The Lord. The One, the Only. Hello was just the beginning for him, when he breathed out his last broken breath. His next inhalation was one of exhilaration-- that would keep him alive forever.
So, as I've returned home, the only normal around here is the setting on my dryer--you know, the one never used. I've let my "hello" linger. Because it is today. And normal is the "right now." Stay there. Stay present.
And learn to linger. Because today's "howdy" is a gift.
Let it linger...
When the Howdy's linger...
"Howdy!"
Such a darling greeting where one feels good and passes the feeling on to others.
We've had many "Howdy's," of late. With the fast approach of the 4th of July, I'm getting used to saying hello to fireworks, late nights, and the hug of good friends! It's like the celebrating of "Halfway to Christmas!"
Michigan was a great time; visiting with friends and family and celebrating. Twice in a month made for a lot of driving, but oh so worth it.
I wish I could live in both places. Be with everyone I love, all the time.
They'd probably be over it long before I would but the memories made are such a gift.
We had to say goodbye. Return to our home and continue running our race.
Some of us use scooters...
We said hello to a dear friend, and found our hello lingering as we knew that all too soon we would say goodbye, for now. We said those words two weeks later, almost to the day. I've never felt so inspired or encouraged by a funeral. Several times I found myself sitting on my hands trying to not break out clapping, or leaning close to my mom, sharing with her my inappropriately timed humor just to keep from bursting. Whether from tears or laughter or both. Ken Miller was a good man and led a great life. He truly finished well. His legacy played out as his family, friends, and elder friends layed him in the ground and returned him to the dust from which we all came.
My "howdy" lingered, because goodbye was stuck in my throat. It felt too final for what my faith was believing...that Ken is in the presence of The Lord. The One, the Only. Hello was just the beginning for him, when he breathed out his last broken breath. His next was one that would keep him alive forever.
So, as I've returned home, the only normal around here is the setting on my dryer--you know, the one never used. I've let my hellos linger. Because it is today. And normal is the "right now." Stay there. Stay present.
And learn to linger. Because its today's gift.
Such a darling greeting where one feels good and passes the feeling on to others.
We've had many "Howdy's," of late. With the fast approach of the 4th of July, I'm getting used to saying hello to fireworks, late nights, and the hug of good friends! It's like the celebrating of "Halfway to Christmas!"
Michigan was a great time; visiting with friends and family and celebrating. Twice in a month made for a lot of driving, but oh so worth it.
I wish I could live in both places. Be with everyone I love, all the time.
They'd probably be over it long before I would but the memories made are such a gift.
We had to say goodbye. Return to our home and continue running our race.
Some of us use scooters...
My "howdy" lingered, because goodbye was stuck in my throat. It felt too final for what my faith was believing...that Ken is in the presence of The Lord. The One, the Only. Hello was just the beginning for him, when he breathed out his last broken breath. His next was one that would keep him alive forever.
So, as I've returned home, the only normal around here is the setting on my dryer--you know, the one never used. I've let my hellos linger. Because it is today. And normal is the "right now." Stay there. Stay present.
And learn to linger. Because its today's gift.
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