PS: this was to have been posted three weeks ago...SO SORRY!
Every year there's a "New Year" (duh);
Gosh Darn! I amaze myself with my astute (and profound) thoughts.
You're welcome!
And with the new year comes resolutions that burn out, and words of the year that have tons of meaning, but fizzle with the last of the snow. January is just TOUGH, yes? Especially this year with so many sub-zero Arctic Blasts, etc. I don't know about you, but I blame Elsa--the Ice Queen.
Lol!
All doubts aside, I have had a GREAT week...off Chemo. It was as if the clouds parted and I could hear my thoughts again...not through a fog. #scary #bothWays
Anyhow, I have been learning the value of rest. Not just any rest, but REST. The kind where we stop all activity in our lives, minds, hearts and lean in to what is really important.
Do you know what I have found so surprising? I actually like my life...and kids, and yes, Aaron too. Love him actually. He just "gets" me. So thankful for him.
I was able to go with Libbi on her school field trip...to a kids art museum and then an Aquarium. I was excited to do this with her, as I did this with Cade and had a fantastic time! The other bonus? It was her BIRTHDAY. How did time go so fast!!! 6 years FLEW by, and bless her sweet little heart she has invited tons of her friends to her party that is not taking place.
Not this year, baby girl.
With all the negativity in the news today, I am loving the pace of reading actual books, and having coffee with strangers and friends alike. I have been going and getting massages frequently due to the STRESS of life right now--(-shocker, I know.)
Between the down time, massages and just sitting still I realize that we have busied ourselves right out of comfortable and into the frying pan. I despise this in myself!
We bust it from dawn 'til dusk trying to make something of our kids, instead of letting them be little...while they truly want for us to establish boundaries. What they really need is us to pay attention to them (instead of our phone or the next thing on our calendar).
Also, I just heard a song by Joey and Rory Feek,called "The Bible and the Belt."
Believe me when I say this: I am not coming at you or any one person in judgement...I am the queen of double standards when it comes to being Judgy McJudgerson. However, I have come to terms with this in my life.
We need to do better.
I have tried to put my thoughts into words and lists; what I need to say or do, and then do them. Believe me--nothing puts the fire under you like Cancer does. There is this intensity to make every second count/MATTER.
Because life is hard.
And if some day I have to leave a legacy to my children, then I have some serious work to do. There are things that I want them to know, and want them to do. I want them to learn from me and I want them to be better than I was.
What do you have and want to pass on?
Thoughts?
Leave your comments below.
E
Monday, February 18, 2019
Friday, January 25, 2019
What we know: He IS the God of the Mountain
If you have followed me on Facebook, you know that the results were not what we had hoped.
Crap.
What we know is that I now have stage 4 Breast Cancer, metastasis to the Lungs. I am one pill away from finishing my first round of Chemo/Targeted Therapy. I'm not exactly sure what the difference is, except that the side effects are MUCH better. I am so thankful, and no surgery in the near future.
There is no cure (at this time); As I clutch my pearls, they tell me if this treatment works, I have decades. Not just months. Hands to the heavens. I know this sounds morbid and heavy and indeed it is. This one thing I DO KNOW: nothing changes. I have the EXACT days that I have had from my birth. God is GOOD and He is not one bit surprised by this.
I'm not going to lie: my husband had to give some tough love to get me out of bed. I curled up and didn't move for about three days. It wasn't pretty. I would have stayed longer. *smile
My side effects thus far have been Fatigue, my old friend; numbness and cold intolerance of my hands and feet; and then there is the hormones that no one tells you that go out of whack. I talked with the KU Pharmacist and got things straightened around and feel 100% better.
I feel so fortunate for grace and love from those around me as we all adjust to yet another new normal. I hear people tell me I look well, and I am thankful--I don't know how to look any other way.
As a mom, it is SO VERY difficult to keep things normal for your family. Your spouse. We just (I/myself) don't have the mental energy to tell anything other than the truth. It is difficult to say the least, but we are all terminal. This life is 100% fun. Its also 100% fatal.
So, we keep on living. Because what we are called to is living, and from all accounts is just all we know how to do on this side of Heaven.
My current playlist is: Pat Barrett (Self Titled) on repeat.
Natalie Grant also has a song :More than Anything
Sarah Reeves: Easy Never Needed You
Each song is just resonating with me. .
Such a challenge, each and every song. Each new day is another new day to keep on keeping on and sharing the deep and hard things. Somehow we get to believing the lie that the Christian life is about ease and if we do the right things, make the right decisions, don't say these words, dress this way, listen to this or that...as if we have the power...that is GREAT if you want to do those, but to impress them on someone else is pure crap-ola/religiosity. And you'd better be careful--there could be a solid throat punch coming your way.
Yes, there are DEEP and DARK things that I have been challenged on. The beauty of the gospel is this: Grace is the needed remedy and the cure for all that ails us.
I need to get going here. These days my iPhone is amazing as you can set the alarm to help remind you. You know, things like picking up kids. Dinner. No Big Deal.
I haven't gotten around to giving those of you all inquiring on FB messenger and I may not. Nothing personal, just that I struggle with making most days to the end of the days with my family. I am often stopped and giving a blank stare. (SO EMBARASSING, but humbling as well...and when I am face down there isn't a long distance to fall.)
I am trying to get comfortable with people feeling let down and disappointed with me. All I can do, is what I am doing. Some of it is only a "feeling" and I must be carefully guarded NOT to use this as a reaction but rather a reminder of Grace. This life is very difficult indeed.
Will you pray for me in this? Not just for healing, but also the lies the enemy tries to fill my head with. He is such a loser like that. LOW BLOW Satan. Low blow.
How can you help? Don't take things personal. And when I figure out what is needed/helpful, I will let you know. Deal?
He is Jesus. The Faithful. We trust in HIM during this time.
Crap.
What we know is that I now have stage 4 Breast Cancer, metastasis to the Lungs. I am one pill away from finishing my first round of Chemo/Targeted Therapy. I'm not exactly sure what the difference is, except that the side effects are MUCH better. I am so thankful, and no surgery in the near future.
There is no cure (at this time); As I clutch my pearls, they tell me if this treatment works, I have decades. Not just months. Hands to the heavens. I know this sounds morbid and heavy and indeed it is. This one thing I DO KNOW: nothing changes. I have the EXACT days that I have had from my birth. God is GOOD and He is not one bit surprised by this.
I'm not going to lie: my husband had to give some tough love to get me out of bed. I curled up and didn't move for about three days. It wasn't pretty. I would have stayed longer. *smile
My side effects thus far have been Fatigue, my old friend; numbness and cold intolerance of my hands and feet; and then there is the hormones that no one tells you that go out of whack. I talked with the KU Pharmacist and got things straightened around and feel 100% better.
I feel so fortunate for grace and love from those around me as we all adjust to yet another new normal. I hear people tell me I look well, and I am thankful--I don't know how to look any other way.
As a mom, it is SO VERY difficult to keep things normal for your family. Your spouse. We just (I/myself) don't have the mental energy to tell anything other than the truth. It is difficult to say the least, but we are all terminal. This life is 100% fun. Its also 100% fatal.
So, we keep on living. Because what we are called to is living, and from all accounts is just all we know how to do on this side of Heaven.
My current playlist is: Pat Barrett (Self Titled) on repeat.
Natalie Grant also has a song :More than Anything
Sarah Reeves: Easy Never Needed You
Each song is just resonating with me. .
Such a challenge, each and every song. Each new day is another new day to keep on keeping on and sharing the deep and hard things. Somehow we get to believing the lie that the Christian life is about ease and if we do the right things, make the right decisions, don't say these words, dress this way, listen to this or that...as if we have the power...that is GREAT if you want to do those, but to impress them on someone else is pure crap-ola/religiosity. And you'd better be careful--there could be a solid throat punch coming your way.
Yes, there are DEEP and DARK things that I have been challenged on. The beauty of the gospel is this: Grace is the needed remedy and the cure for all that ails us.
I need to get going here. These days my iPhone is amazing as you can set the alarm to help remind you. You know, things like picking up kids. Dinner. No Big Deal.
I haven't gotten around to giving those of you all inquiring on FB messenger and I may not. Nothing personal, just that I struggle with making most days to the end of the days with my family. I am often stopped and giving a blank stare. (SO EMBARASSING, but humbling as well...and when I am face down there isn't a long distance to fall.)
I am trying to get comfortable with people feeling let down and disappointed with me. All I can do, is what I am doing. Some of it is only a "feeling" and I must be carefully guarded NOT to use this as a reaction but rather a reminder of Grace. This life is very difficult indeed.
Will you pray for me in this? Not just for healing, but also the lies the enemy tries to fill my head with. He is such a loser like that. LOW BLOW Satan. Low blow.
How can you help? Don't take things personal. And when I figure out what is needed/helpful, I will let you know. Deal?
He is Jesus. The Faithful. We trust in HIM during this time.
Sunday, December 9, 2018
Redeeming the time...
Another year has gone by....reminds me of the Celine Dion song off her Christmas album.
How “funny” is it that this year: I’m at home, wrapped up, throwing up, and on the eve of my lung biopsy.
To catch you up quickly—July came, and with it my yearly trip to the dr. (Oncologist.)
While there, he said everything looked good but that my tumor markers were elevated. This led to more testing, several other scans, other drs, and now last week, was the final test to be done on my lungs to monitor spots they felt were “benign.”
In short—they’ve grown—not substantially, but enough that now they’re getting “excited.”
Coupled that with the news that my tumor marker went from 22, up to 84, and then 95....and stabilized there but this time—came back at 156.
Oh crap.
In the words of my Oncologist, “at least they’re not in the 1,000’s!” Yes, there’s that. Always that.
I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to sit back and reflect about just HOW MUCH I loved being in remission, etc. So now, on the eve of the unknown I’m not going to wow you with wit or wisdom.
I’m scared. Hoping and praying. And fully prepared for the “Even if.” Well as prepared as I can ever be. It is a delicate balance to hold hope and reality in both hands.
Especially when (before you know it), another year has gone by.
Redeeming the time...the best I know how.
How “funny” is it that this year: I’m at home, wrapped up, throwing up, and on the eve of my lung biopsy.
To catch you up quickly—July came, and with it my yearly trip to the dr. (Oncologist.)
While there, he said everything looked good but that my tumor markers were elevated. This led to more testing, several other scans, other drs, and now last week, was the final test to be done on my lungs to monitor spots they felt were “benign.”
In short—they’ve grown—not substantially, but enough that now they’re getting “excited.”
Coupled that with the news that my tumor marker went from 22, up to 84, and then 95....and stabilized there but this time—came back at 156.
Oh crap.
In the words of my Oncologist, “at least they’re not in the 1,000’s!” Yes, there’s that. Always that.
I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to sit back and reflect about just HOW MUCH I loved being in remission, etc. So now, on the eve of the unknown I’m not going to wow you with wit or wisdom.
I’m scared. Hoping and praying. And fully prepared for the “Even if.” Well as prepared as I can ever be. It is a delicate balance to hold hope and reality in both hands.
Especially when (before you know it), another year has gone by.
Redeeming the time...the best I know how.
Friday, November 3, 2017
The Bloom of Fall...
The seasons are changing. Before our eyes, another one has come and gone, giving way to winter—a time of settling in. Preserving.
I wish I had the foresight to preserve everything I know from all of the lives of loved ones I’ve known. The type of eyesight to take everything in and frame it on the walls of my memory. You know? So that on the days that are hard, the walk through memory lane is one of instant joy and remembrance, and that this life is a good, good life. Because this life is good. Real good.
The lessons we learn through the changing seasons are the lessons we need to keep moving forward. We can’t just live in the good times, or even in the bad times. It’s just how God made it. If winter lasted too long, we would forget the joy that the bright green blades of grass through the snow bring. Or the new baby calves resting on the hills? How about the blazing sun rises? A statement that Spring has sprung.
Fall is the same way. The letting go so that something new can bloom. At least that’s what grandma said. Just before she died a few short weeks ago. What an awesome privilege it was to go to her bedside and love on her. When it was just us, we shared the things we wanted most for the other to know. Her children and grands formed a sort of honor guard around her those last days. Liquid love and memories spilled freely down our faces. The funny thing is? She hardly cried.
Grandma was the type of person that could listen without judgement. Counsel without scorn and love us all the way through to better decisions, all the while saying, “Now what are you going to learn from this? It’s yours now to deal with.” Grandma was the type of person that wasn’t super long on words. Don’t get me wrong, she could talk, but she was huge on accepting responsibility. We were raised to take ownership of ourselves and our actions. No excuses. She treated each person is if they were the only person in the room. Her grandchildren and her children could even say that we all felt like we were “the favorite.” She made us feel that way, because she lived it. Close to the end she told us that this was her time. She lived and loved well and she had zero regrets. There is NO doubt with her last breath she let us know...We were her favorite.
And this fall we are learning that it is our time to bloom.
Hallelujah, grandma—grandma-great—Mom—friend—confidant—encourager...
you are home.
Friday, May 5, 2017
When Someone Else Is Talking...
I have been reminded of a valuable lesson.
I've completed my training at the three clinics I'll be working at. My goodness I had a great time! I love doing what I do. I forgot how much I loved it. The Doctors, staff, the patients...all of it.
My memory, skills and coordination were tested over this past month. Skills I haven't used in 13 years...and then some.
Everything I had to learn, from the Computer systems, new dosing, treatments, tubes, lab values, procedures...nothing prepared me for the realization that this world needs people who will listen.
I never dreamed something so simple would mean so much. Oh, but it does.
Of Everything I did to prepare for this job, listening was key. At every turn, my trainers unknowingly taught me this. How I wish the world would teach us or offer a class on this. But they don't.
So WE NEED TO BECOME THE TEACHERS.
Bless the brave girls...
that helped me train. Everyday they listen and hear between the lines. They fight battles unseen because sometimes, this body and this earth cannot do for us what we want it to.
Make us happy.
ONLY GOD can bring this type of healing. And the world needs to hear this message!!!
The difficult pill to swallow is one called "MORTAL." There's a difinitive beginning and ending.
And in order for us as "teachers" to be able to teach, we have to get really good at separating the truth from the lies because, words? They are POWERFUL. And in order to hear them, we need to listen.
And become the trainers that will teach truth...and train others to listen to TRUTH's voice.
In order to be heard we have to LISTEN when Someone else is talking...
and give them Jesus.
I've completed my training at the three clinics I'll be working at. My goodness I had a great time! I love doing what I do. I forgot how much I loved it. The Doctors, staff, the patients...all of it.
My memory, skills and coordination were tested over this past month. Skills I haven't used in 13 years...and then some.
Everything I had to learn, from the Computer systems, new dosing, treatments, tubes, lab values, procedures...nothing prepared me for the realization that this world needs people who will listen.
I never dreamed something so simple would mean so much. Oh, but it does.
Of Everything I did to prepare for this job, listening was key. At every turn, my trainers unknowingly taught me this. How I wish the world would teach us or offer a class on this. But they don't.
So WE NEED TO BECOME THE TEACHERS.
Bless the brave girls...
that helped me train. Everyday they listen and hear between the lines. They fight battles unseen because sometimes, this body and this earth cannot do for us what we want it to.
Make us happy.
ONLY GOD can bring this type of healing. And the world needs to hear this message!!!
The difficult pill to swallow is one called "MORTAL." There's a difinitive beginning and ending.
And in order for us as "teachers" to be able to teach, we have to get really good at separating the truth from the lies because, words? They are POWERFUL. And in order to hear them, we need to listen.
And become the trainers that will teach truth...and train others to listen to TRUTH's voice.
In order to be heard we have to LISTEN when Someone else is talking...
and give them Jesus.
Thursday, April 6, 2017
Words, Work, Sharks and ALL the things...
Let's talk a minute about auto-correct. I have a love/hate relationship with it. Before you consider becoming a full time, self advertised editor, I should let you know, there are a few errors.
For as "Smart" as my phone is, it CANNOT figure out that I am thanking the LORD for all the THINGS He is doing for people. How are they supposed to take me serious when auto-correct sends the message that I thank the "Lird for all the thongs." Bless the Lord, not Lird.
At speech, Libbi was showing great interest in a marble run. I thought, "sure! A marble run. We have one of those, and we can work on her speech homework while we do it." I dug through all the toys in the closet and came up with Cade's old one from several years back. We had never put it together. (Please don't tell grandma.) So I decided on this rainy day to have this bonding time with Libbi. You know, for one hot second have the appearance of having it together.
Three hours in, Aaron suggests I pitch the thing in the trash, because she probably wouldn't play with it anyway.
Perish the thought.
The next time someone decides to give us acomplicated Gift like that, somebody better hold my earrings.
I think I died a little through that "bonding" experience.
After a 13+ hiatus, this mama is going back to work! "Back in the day" I was a (full time) Medical Assistant; I'll be filling in at three different clinics, PRN. Fun stuff!!! The timing was perfect, which made the decision just that much easier!
Speaking of decisions, my sweet spouse made one for us this week that has left me speechless. He purchased a floating shark. ''Tis true. Be jealous. We are on probation for such things for all of eternity. He will no longer handle such matters.
I could go on, but I think I'll leave things right there.
For as "Smart" as my phone is, it CANNOT figure out that I am thanking the LORD for all the THINGS He is doing for people. How are they supposed to take me serious when auto-correct sends the message that I thank the "Lird for all the thongs." Bless the Lord, not Lird.
At speech, Libbi was showing great interest in a marble run. I thought, "sure! A marble run. We have one of those, and we can work on her speech homework while we do it." I dug through all the toys in the closet and came up with Cade's old one from several years back. We had never put it together. (Please don't tell grandma.) So I decided on this rainy day to have this bonding time with Libbi. You know, for one hot second have the appearance of having it together.
Three hours in, Aaron suggests I pitch the thing in the trash, because she probably wouldn't play with it anyway.
Perish the thought.
The next time someone decides to give us a
I think I died a little through that "bonding" experience.
After a 13+ hiatus, this mama is going back to work! "Back in the day" I was a (full time) Medical Assistant; I'll be filling in at three different clinics, PRN. Fun stuff!!! The timing was perfect, which made the decision just that much easier!
Speaking of decisions, my sweet spouse made one for us this week that has left me speechless. He purchased a floating shark. ''Tis true. Be jealous. We are on probation for such things for all of eternity. He will no longer handle such matters.
Easter is on us and I'm sending up prayers that Libbi won't be asked to help pick up communion cups after service. Last time, she licked out EVERY cup she picked up.
And I was the one who got strep throat. Jesus be near.
Blessings,
Erin
Saturday, March 11, 2017
Busy
I've been a little busy lately.
We went to Orlando for a week. Had a great time! I will mention that we spent more on ER visits, urgent care, and antibiotic's than we did at Disney. Folks--that's a lot. Poor Elsa, by the time we left her, she had a green smear on her dress. Bless all the Disney characters during the flu season! PS: we are all fine. I cannot say how the folks at Disney are doing.
And, I've been doing a little updating. Below are a few pictures that I took during my renovations. I like to paint, but mostly I do it so I can decorate at the end! ( that's our secret. ) There's a process here. My husband doesn't even hold his breath anymore.
And I have no idea where
Yes, I do. I just recalled my youngest deleting all my before and after photos of the painting I just finished. And instead, she took this.
A special photo of her circle she drew on a screen shot of my group apps. I think she has a gift. Of circles.
We've stressed over science fair projects and Math problems.
I've attempted wall displays a church. I'm just the lay-out crew. When it comes to hanging things..."good enough" is my favorite phrase. Not every one agrees.
I was back in the ER with little princess who was once again sick...thank you stomach flu. Thankful it wasn't her appendix. Never so glad to be wrong. ***who knew the flu caused knee-buckling-side-pain.
So on this snowy/grayish day, I'm taking advantage of the quiet. The kids are outside playing, and I am finishing up here. I had started painting this morning while trying to be productive when Libbi promptly put her whole self into the paint. Got it on the wall and in her hair and all over her shirt and pants and fingers and feet. You get the picture. We go the all in, as you can tell. We aren't quitters.
I don't have much to say except have a supercalifragilisticexpialidocious day. I wish for you a day of happy memories, sunshine, and a good dose of laughter. It'll cure what ails you.
Grace and peace,
Erin
We went to Orlando for a week. Had a great time! I will mention that we spent more on ER visits, urgent care, and antibiotic's than we did at Disney. Folks--that's a lot. Poor Elsa, by the time we left her, she had a green smear on her dress. Bless all the Disney characters during the flu season! PS: we are all fine. I cannot say how the folks at Disney are doing.
And, I've been doing a little updating. Below are a few pictures that I took during my renovations. I like to paint, but mostly I do it so I can decorate at the end! ( that's our secret. ) There's a process here. My husband doesn't even hold his breath anymore.
Yes, I do. I just recalled my youngest deleting all my before and after photos of the painting I just finished. And instead, she took this.
A special photo of her circle she drew on a screen shot of my group apps. I think she has a gift. Of circles.
We've stressed over science fair projects and Math problems.
I've attempted wall displays a church. I'm just the lay-out crew. When it comes to hanging things..."good enough" is my favorite phrase. Not every one agrees.
I was back in the ER with little princess who was once again sick...thank you stomach flu. Thankful it wasn't her appendix. Never so glad to be wrong. ***who knew the flu caused knee-buckling-side-pain.
So on this snowy/grayish day, I'm taking advantage of the quiet. The kids are outside playing, and I am finishing up here. I had started painting this morning while trying to be productive when Libbi promptly put her whole self into the paint. Got it on the wall and in her hair and all over her shirt and pants and fingers and feet. You get the picture. We go the all in, as you can tell. We aren't quitters.
I don't have much to say except have a supercalifragilisticexpialidocious day. I wish for you a day of happy memories, sunshine, and a good dose of laughter. It'll cure what ails you.
Grace and peace,
Erin
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