I know.....I have written a lot this week but I just had to write and tell you just how awesome I think our God is!
If ever in my life I have felt insecure about the way I look, it is now. Any one would. Today was just like any other, but a little different in the fact that I was just worn out, or rather just plain tired of looks. Are you with me? The kind of looks I get from people (if I can read them) are mostly curiosity, but there are others that aren't so kind. I see some of disgust, surprise, pity, judgement. Some are from complete strangers and others are from those I haven't seen for a while....either way I totally don't judge them. I know.....I have been there myself. On days like today, however, I just want to hide. It is difficult for myself to keep up with all the changes in me let alone try to deal with them.
As it would be, I had to go to the dentist. Any who know me, know that I would go to ANY appointment than the dentist. Ugh! Anyhow, I am relaxing back into the chair with my eyes closed and as I look up I see a picture of a butterfly sitting on a flower and do you know what the caption read? "True beauty doesn't need an explanation." It was one of those moments that steal your breath....because even at this point of the day I had not mentioned this struggle to anyone, just HIM. But I want to tell you that the Lord of all creation cared about this struggle I had trying to (once again) take my eyes off my Maker and attempt to find my worth in other things than Him, yet I saw Him in that picture. I got the message and He moved heaven and earth for me to see it...even sitting me in the dentist chair. He will do the same to you. Just ask Him. He is really big, very loving and SO undeservedly good to us! He is a personal God and let me tell you-He is watching and waiting......Just to love on you.
And one more thing to all you women out there.....I don't care what kind of surgery, limitations, struggles or past you have......NOTHING - "not even mastectomies....can ever make you less than who you are- a Woman." (Quote borrowed from Beth Moore, Loving Well)
Friday, June 24, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
This one's for the girls....
Everyone says that man's best friend is a dog. They are loyal, forgiving, and always greet you at the door with their "smile". I would have to say, during this season of my life, that a woman's best friend is her sweatpants. They do the same exact thing! They are loyal- staying right where I left them, forgiving- are more than graciously forgiving in the spandex dept., and leave YOU with a smile and allow you to be able to greet others with the same smile by being able to fit into something! =) Though I will admit to being a little on the exaggerating side, I thought it was a humorous comparison when dealing with women and weight issues.
Chemo and Radiation have a tendency to put weight on you. For some cancers- you lose, but when dealing with "female" cancers....well you guessed it- GAIN becomes a nasty four letter word and not the wonderfully scented laundry detergent. I am thankful to not have gained the typical 30-40 lbs. that is normal for this, yet it is still uncomfortable dealing with any and all side effects. The main reason? Control. You have so very little of it during treatment. To show you, I have taken the liberty to write down a list of do's and don'ts.....
NO: (or Don't)
Pedicures or Manicures
Certain lotions
Baths
Caffeine
Sweet Potato's
SOY products of any kind
Traveling (beyond the city or a 2 hour drive)
Shaving (I'm not sure how you shave when you don't have hair...but OK)
Taking over the counter meds- even Tylenol (unless they direct you)
Tanning
Working outside w/o gloves
Going w/o shoes in the house (b/c of neuropathy- or numbness)
Going w/o restrictive sleeve when you travel or do repetitive motions (ie: exercise, painting, or things like that)
Getting bruised/cut- not sure you avoid those two...
Dentist
Over exerting in any way, etc.......
As you can see the list is long and limiting. There is much more...but the book is downstairs at the moment- and yes, I mean book. This is a sample of what they tell you not to do, so the list of "do" things is very short. What is comical is they tell you after you take the information pkt..."Just live normally, like you always would...." I'm not sure that I would describe that as "normal" living...but I guess my "new" normal.
So getting back to control.....you have little of it. So, you fight it.
A while back someone gave me an item for Breast Cancer Awareness that was or course pink, and it said "fight like a girl". I really liked it. It started me on to thinking about some things....
I do a lot of thinking when I am on the lawn mower. I know it sounds crazy, but I really like mowing....and it totally sounds more lady like than saying that I spent time on the "think-tank" or the "throne". Yestersday, while mowing, =) I was thinking about fighting like a "girl" and what that means.
We all know what it means to fight- like a girl or like girls fight w/ each other. In the case of this slogan, fighting is taking on a battle that is bigger than yourself or another person and giving it EVERYTHING you have....as a woman. Many misinturpret what this is saying because they feel that women are superior. Scripturally, both men and women were created by God, in His image, and were each given individual roles that perfectly compliment each other to work together for the glory of the Lord. Unity. Harmony. We, as women can feel good about ourselves b/c we know that we were created...not a mistake...in the image of GOD. In short, he gave us value and worth by creating us in the image of himself. Bearing his likeness, we can move in the abilities and giftings that He has given us, using them as they were intended- for Him, whether we are married or not.
We know the story in Gen. 3, how Eve ate the apple, gave it to Adam, was expelled from the Garden of Eden, and sin entered the world. A simple act of disobedience had MAJOR consequences.....FOR THE ENTIRE WORLD. We were given freedom of choice. We are given the freedom to choose. What we choose has eternal consequences. Perhaps Eve was tempted more than once, we don't know, but what is clear- she was tempted with power, control. She exaggerated what God had said to them, when she repeated it to the devil. Do you see the pattern? Why would Satan use new tricks when the old ones are still just as effective. Temptation, exaggeration, lies, power, control.....they all still work.
God places great value in women. If you don't believe me, read for yourself. All over scripture when you read geneologies, the father's names are mentioned when repeating a lineage. There is great significance when a woman's name is mentioned. If you were to look at the line of Christ, you would see several women whose names are listed as anscestors of Jesus. Further still, when you look at who these women were and what their life-stories tell us, you will see a heritage of grace, forgiveness, redemption, restoration, healing, etc. Unlike my list above, this list is not restrictive to me....it is liberating. When I look at myself compared to the word of God and feel restricted...I have to look at what my motivations are for serving him and for trusting him. Is it for power, control, my pride? Just as the list above was for my good, so is the Word of God for the goodness of our souls. Chemo isn't like a fast food service. It takes time. It takes fight. The same is for our souls. Our growth. Our healing. Sin is painful when it dies...much like cancer. You will see changes take place as we grow away from our old self. In a way we do grieve, but just as liberating as it was for me to step out of treatment for the last time, that is how I feel when I am forgiven and I realize what a precious, amazing second chance has been given to me spiritually. If God, who created me in his image, can use a harlot- in His lineage, then I have HOPE and put my full confidence in Jesus, the Savior, to take this broken soul who has the same harlot spirit in her (being prone to wander) and make her into his image- something beautiful: A woman of worth and value. It IS time to fight like a girl.....to reclaim that what society is trying to hard to destroy. Our value, worth, our God-like image, and our eternity is at stake. The Bible says that His Word is our sheild, the Spirit is our sword, and His name is our refuge. Run girls...run after Jesus, the One and Only. And Fight....like a girl.
Chemo and Radiation have a tendency to put weight on you. For some cancers- you lose, but when dealing with "female" cancers....well you guessed it- GAIN becomes a nasty four letter word and not the wonderfully scented laundry detergent. I am thankful to not have gained the typical 30-40 lbs. that is normal for this, yet it is still uncomfortable dealing with any and all side effects. The main reason? Control. You have so very little of it during treatment. To show you, I have taken the liberty to write down a list of do's and don'ts.....
NO: (or Don't)
Pedicures or Manicures
Certain lotions
Baths
Caffeine
Sweet Potato's
SOY products of any kind
Traveling (beyond the city or a 2 hour drive)
Shaving (I'm not sure how you shave when you don't have hair...but OK)
Taking over the counter meds- even Tylenol (unless they direct you)
Tanning
Working outside w/o gloves
Going w/o shoes in the house (b/c of neuropathy- or numbness)
Going w/o restrictive sleeve when you travel or do repetitive motions (ie: exercise, painting, or things like that)
Getting bruised/cut- not sure you avoid those two...
Dentist
Over exerting in any way, etc.......
As you can see the list is long and limiting. There is much more...but the book is downstairs at the moment- and yes, I mean book. This is a sample of what they tell you not to do, so the list of "do" things is very short. What is comical is they tell you after you take the information pkt..."Just live normally, like you always would...." I'm not sure that I would describe that as "normal" living...but I guess my "new" normal.
So getting back to control.....you have little of it. So, you fight it.
A while back someone gave me an item for Breast Cancer Awareness that was or course pink, and it said "fight like a girl". I really liked it. It started me on to thinking about some things....
I do a lot of thinking when I am on the lawn mower. I know it sounds crazy, but I really like mowing....and it totally sounds more lady like than saying that I spent time on the "think-tank" or the "throne". Yestersday, while mowing, =) I was thinking about fighting like a "girl" and what that means.
We all know what it means to fight- like a girl or like girls fight w/ each other. In the case of this slogan, fighting is taking on a battle that is bigger than yourself or another person and giving it EVERYTHING you have....as a woman. Many misinturpret what this is saying because they feel that women are superior. Scripturally, both men and women were created by God, in His image, and were each given individual roles that perfectly compliment each other to work together for the glory of the Lord. Unity. Harmony. We, as women can feel good about ourselves b/c we know that we were created...not a mistake...in the image of GOD. In short, he gave us value and worth by creating us in the image of himself. Bearing his likeness, we can move in the abilities and giftings that He has given us, using them as they were intended- for Him, whether we are married or not.
We know the story in Gen. 3, how Eve ate the apple, gave it to Adam, was expelled from the Garden of Eden, and sin entered the world. A simple act of disobedience had MAJOR consequences.....FOR THE ENTIRE WORLD. We were given freedom of choice. We are given the freedom to choose. What we choose has eternal consequences. Perhaps Eve was tempted more than once, we don't know, but what is clear- she was tempted with power, control. She exaggerated what God had said to them, when she repeated it to the devil. Do you see the pattern? Why would Satan use new tricks when the old ones are still just as effective. Temptation, exaggeration, lies, power, control.....they all still work.
God places great value in women. If you don't believe me, read for yourself. All over scripture when you read geneologies, the father's names are mentioned when repeating a lineage. There is great significance when a woman's name is mentioned. If you were to look at the line of Christ, you would see several women whose names are listed as anscestors of Jesus. Further still, when you look at who these women were and what their life-stories tell us, you will see a heritage of grace, forgiveness, redemption, restoration, healing, etc. Unlike my list above, this list is not restrictive to me....it is liberating. When I look at myself compared to the word of God and feel restricted...I have to look at what my motivations are for serving him and for trusting him. Is it for power, control, my pride? Just as the list above was for my good, so is the Word of God for the goodness of our souls. Chemo isn't like a fast food service. It takes time. It takes fight. The same is for our souls. Our growth. Our healing. Sin is painful when it dies...much like cancer. You will see changes take place as we grow away from our old self. In a way we do grieve, but just as liberating as it was for me to step out of treatment for the last time, that is how I feel when I am forgiven and I realize what a precious, amazing second chance has been given to me spiritually. If God, who created me in his image, can use a harlot- in His lineage, then I have HOPE and put my full confidence in Jesus, the Savior, to take this broken soul who has the same harlot spirit in her (being prone to wander) and make her into his image- something beautiful: A woman of worth and value. It IS time to fight like a girl.....to reclaim that what society is trying to hard to destroy. Our value, worth, our God-like image, and our eternity is at stake. The Bible says that His Word is our sheild, the Spirit is our sword, and His name is our refuge. Run girls...run after Jesus, the One and Only. And Fight....like a girl.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
A/C and Tattoos....
Yesterday was a FULL day. It seemed like I went from place to place just trying to catch up. You know how it is, when you are on your way to one place, getting behind a slow vehicle....road construction....a window washing guy, etc. The list could be endless!
I had my Radiation Onc. appt yesterday. He was very nice. I had a TON of questions for him, for example: Would this affect my heart? Will I lose my voice? What is the percentage of secondary cancers and is the benefit greater than the risk?
He answered each one and basically it boils down to this. I had what is called "multi centric Infiltrating ductal carcinoma w/ two positive lymph nodes." In short....they don't see this often in someone so young, that is negative for aggressive types of cancer. My age being the biggest factor, they felt a strong need to treat this w/ radiation largely in part to the "multi centric" portion. There was one tumor, but a second area that was rapidly growing pre cancerous and cancerous cells, and the fact that I had lymph involvement in two out of 9 nodes where most have a few positive nodes out of 16-30 nodes in that area that they take out. I hope that makes things a little clearer. He said twice that I had probably had this for a year prior to them finding it...b/c these types are tricky to find.....and that I was very fortunate they found it when they did. (thank you Lord!)
Anyhow, I strongly dislike these types of appts. I hate hearing words like "survival rate", "mortality", "another patient of mine....died", etc. It leaves you with a heavy feeling for a while afterwards and a strong sense of reality. This is not our home......but I would like to be here for a LONG time yet. =) Once again I was sitting there waiting my turn w/ every one's grandparents. LOL! I had to get what they call "tattoo's" yesterday. They mark you w/ a permanent marker and then inject an ink under your skin to be able to line things up. It hurt just a little, but they were quick a like a well oiled machine there. I will begin treatment on July 5th and go everyday for 6.5 weeks. He asked me what my biggest reason for not doing it would be and I told him that I am just so physically and emotionally tired from all of this. Ready for a break and to be on a maintenance phase of this thing.
When I got back home....our HVAC guy was ready to work on the new system. They had a brand new Air Conditioning and Heating unit installed w/i two hours! They were awesome. I made them cookies and tried to keep up w/ all five of them, but they were quick about their work. They were so excited to be there. At different times I would walk outside to hear one of them singing in the trailer to them whistling and laughing with one another. They must have a blast at their job!
I will have to post a picture of our two new additions. We let Cade get two little kittens. They are so cute! The long haired one is named Rapunzel and the short haired one is named Eugene. We have a puppy named "Ella" on the way, after she is weaned. She is a Chocolate Lab....SUPER cute. So I guess you could say that we will be very busy this summer until they get a little bigger. (at least that is what we keep telling ourselves!) Cade is thrilled to have a "friend" that he can play with. We have had to have the conversation that "no, decon cubes are NOT toys for the kittens." And that "just because you think they should go to the bathroom, doesn't mean they will....all the animals stay outside...and no you cannot take a bath with them." =) You have to just love life...there is so many good things about it!
I had my Radiation Onc. appt yesterday. He was very nice. I had a TON of questions for him, for example: Would this affect my heart? Will I lose my voice? What is the percentage of secondary cancers and is the benefit greater than the risk?
He answered each one and basically it boils down to this. I had what is called "multi centric Infiltrating ductal carcinoma w/ two positive lymph nodes." In short....they don't see this often in someone so young, that is negative for aggressive types of cancer. My age being the biggest factor, they felt a strong need to treat this w/ radiation largely in part to the "multi centric" portion. There was one tumor, but a second area that was rapidly growing pre cancerous and cancerous cells, and the fact that I had lymph involvement in two out of 9 nodes where most have a few positive nodes out of 16-30 nodes in that area that they take out. I hope that makes things a little clearer. He said twice that I had probably had this for a year prior to them finding it...b/c these types are tricky to find.....and that I was very fortunate they found it when they did. (thank you Lord!)
Anyhow, I strongly dislike these types of appts. I hate hearing words like "survival rate", "mortality", "another patient of mine....died", etc. It leaves you with a heavy feeling for a while afterwards and a strong sense of reality. This is not our home......but I would like to be here for a LONG time yet. =) Once again I was sitting there waiting my turn w/ every one's grandparents. LOL! I had to get what they call "tattoo's" yesterday. They mark you w/ a permanent marker and then inject an ink under your skin to be able to line things up. It hurt just a little, but they were quick a like a well oiled machine there. I will begin treatment on July 5th and go everyday for 6.5 weeks. He asked me what my biggest reason for not doing it would be and I told him that I am just so physically and emotionally tired from all of this. Ready for a break and to be on a maintenance phase of this thing.
When I got back home....our HVAC guy was ready to work on the new system. They had a brand new Air Conditioning and Heating unit installed w/i two hours! They were awesome. I made them cookies and tried to keep up w/ all five of them, but they were quick about their work. They were so excited to be there. At different times I would walk outside to hear one of them singing in the trailer to them whistling and laughing with one another. They must have a blast at their job!
I will have to post a picture of our two new additions. We let Cade get two little kittens. They are so cute! The long haired one is named Rapunzel and the short haired one is named Eugene. We have a puppy named "Ella" on the way, after she is weaned. She is a Chocolate Lab....SUPER cute. So I guess you could say that we will be very busy this summer until they get a little bigger. (at least that is what we keep telling ourselves!) Cade is thrilled to have a "friend" that he can play with. We have had to have the conversation that "no, decon cubes are NOT toys for the kittens." And that "just because you think they should go to the bathroom, doesn't mean they will....all the animals stay outside...and no you cannot take a bath with them." =) You have to just love life...there is so many good things about it!
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Just a little......
Hey all! (All 3 of you who actually read this! =))
We are doing great! Hope this finds you doing the same.
I realized something today...I really LOVE summer, but the best part is....you can walk around wind blown and barefoot and no one cares. I love the sunkissed look you get on your face as the day comes to an end. I love the way that the sprinkler and slip 'n slide are more fun as an adult, than when you were a kid. I LOVE that about summer. It has a way of bringing out the good in things. The fun, the sparadic and the joy in the moment.
This past week we found out that we need a new Heating and Air Conditioning Unit. It is still working....thank the Lord...but is not quite keeping up. The 90+ degree days are taking its toll on our poor outdoor unit. Possibly hail is the culprit.....though we will never know....but regardless it is coming out and being replaced on Tuesday. The blessing in all of this, is that we were told by our HVAC guy, that they want to do it labor free! How awesome is that? He was really touched by what we are going thru and wanted to help out in some way. What a genuine, heartfelt blessing. Sometimes we need those, you know? When life seems too hard, too heavy, and you just don't understand the "why's" in life, the sun- or rather- THE SON shines thru...blessing us even when we don't deserve it. May I never forget all He has done for me, or for you too! We aren't in a position to be asking "why", or feeling like we "deserve" or are "entitled" to something we don't have or that isn't ours...we are called to love and do the will of the One who sent Jesus here to be our Savior. We have been forgiven much and therefore need to give much. Yes, this is hard. Given several examples I have seen of late....this is tough. If He brings you to it, He will bring you thru it. We have to believe and have faith in Jesus. I know it sounds like the "right" answer...but believe me, often the right answer is the hardest to do. I am learning that now....and so incredibly thankful. (Thank you Mr. Cole O.!!! You're are truly awesome!)
I have been feeling good....tired, but good. Moving on toward the two week mark! I see the Radiation Oncologist on Tues. Looking forward to getting some questions and answers from him.
Sharing just a little of this and that today.
I will close with some great lines from this week from the Cadester....."Mom, you look like some random, old lady!" What does he mean by OLD? And what is this about "random"? "Dad, you don't see that everyday! (Aaron...."what's that buddy?") "A man sitting by his car...he's probably waiting for a water pump!" Just a question......how does a 5yr old know what a water pump is???
Cade and his cousin Hanna told us that they ate some mushrooms from the yard. Yes, they were poisonous but apparently they didn't eat enough to do harm. Hanna stood her ground saying that she didn't eat any, that is until Cade came over and told us that she did....and then she admitted that she ate two....but the hilarious part of it all was when they went out to the yard to show us what they had eaten and Hanna yells...."no Cade! Don't do this! RUN!!!" Cade says...."I just can't take this anymore...we may have to go to the hospital, Hanna....we just can't die! This is worst day of my life! Like even worse than a spanking!" That boy cracks me up! We get such a kick out of him and love him....just a little!
We are doing great! Hope this finds you doing the same.
I realized something today...I really LOVE summer, but the best part is....you can walk around wind blown and barefoot and no one cares. I love the sunkissed look you get on your face as the day comes to an end. I love the way that the sprinkler and slip 'n slide are more fun as an adult, than when you were a kid. I LOVE that about summer. It has a way of bringing out the good in things. The fun, the sparadic and the joy in the moment.
This past week we found out that we need a new Heating and Air Conditioning Unit. It is still working....thank the Lord...but is not quite keeping up. The 90+ degree days are taking its toll on our poor outdoor unit. Possibly hail is the culprit.....though we will never know....but regardless it is coming out and being replaced on Tuesday. The blessing in all of this, is that we were told by our HVAC guy, that they want to do it labor free! How awesome is that? He was really touched by what we are going thru and wanted to help out in some way. What a genuine, heartfelt blessing. Sometimes we need those, you know? When life seems too hard, too heavy, and you just don't understand the "why's" in life, the sun- or rather- THE SON shines thru...blessing us even when we don't deserve it. May I never forget all He has done for me, or for you too! We aren't in a position to be asking "why", or feeling like we "deserve" or are "entitled" to something we don't have or that isn't ours...we are called to love and do the will of the One who sent Jesus here to be our Savior. We have been forgiven much and therefore need to give much. Yes, this is hard. Given several examples I have seen of late....this is tough. If He brings you to it, He will bring you thru it. We have to believe and have faith in Jesus. I know it sounds like the "right" answer...but believe me, often the right answer is the hardest to do. I am learning that now....and so incredibly thankful. (Thank you Mr. Cole O.!!! You're are truly awesome!)
I have been feeling good....tired, but good. Moving on toward the two week mark! I see the Radiation Oncologist on Tues. Looking forward to getting some questions and answers from him.
Sharing just a little of this and that today.
I will close with some great lines from this week from the Cadester....."Mom, you look like some random, old lady!" What does he mean by OLD? And what is this about "random"? "Dad, you don't see that everyday! (Aaron...."what's that buddy?") "A man sitting by his car...he's probably waiting for a water pump!" Just a question......how does a 5yr old know what a water pump is???
Cade and his cousin Hanna told us that they ate some mushrooms from the yard. Yes, they were poisonous but apparently they didn't eat enough to do harm. Hanna stood her ground saying that she didn't eat any, that is until Cade came over and told us that she did....and then she admitted that she ate two....but the hilarious part of it all was when they went out to the yard to show us what they had eaten and Hanna yells...."no Cade! Don't do this! RUN!!!" Cade says...."I just can't take this anymore...we may have to go to the hospital, Hanna....we just can't die! This is worst day of my life! Like even worse than a spanking!" That boy cracks me up! We get such a kick out of him and love him....just a little!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
What is it like?
Many have asked me, "What is a Chemo Treatment like?" So, I decided to show you. In pictures that is....
Port site being cleaned here...notice my "getting siked up for the stick face"...
Port site being cleaned...now for the stick...(After 22 times you'd think I would get used to it!)
Port being flushed with saline....
Getting hooked up.....for the last time!
Me and my girl Mary Ann. Let me tell you a little about this woman....not only did she tell me how good steroids looked on me (I strongly disagree) but she inspired me and gave me so much hope. What a difficult job to deal with people in these types of situations. This is the face of a hero. My hero Mary Ann G. who literally helped me and held me more times than I can count. She is such a blessing and I count myself blessed to know her. Her strength inspired me. I am changed because of her love. Some ppl never want to hurt, and to them I would say, "then never love." After all....love isn't love, until you give it away.....just like Mary Ann did. I will miss her, but am going to be visiting her now as a friend. No more "business" between us. We parted with tears....but I look forward to a lifetime of Mary Ann's. Friends that come and go in our lives for each and every season....but leave imprints on our hearts. My goal in life is to live each day to the fullest and love so much that at some point someone will stop me and ask....."What is it like?"
Pictures....
Here are a few from the past few weeks that I thought I would share.....
He couldn't resist trying on the wig.....so we had to call him "Cadence" for a while! What a goof!
All boy...
Super Man came for a visit and had to demonstrate his strength.
Me and my hero!
Monday, June 6, 2011
D.O.N.E.....
Tears are pouring down my face as I sit here and write. It is an overwhelming feeling to be done with Chemo. It has been hard- I won't lie. The fact that I have finished brings me to my knees....all honor, glory, and power to the King of Kings! I fought with everything I had in me, and now to be on this side of it is such a relief! Such a feeling of joy and peace! What a privilege to be able to share all that God is doing in my life....and to see how he is working in yours.
I just entered my info in a drawing that will take place this Friday, for a 4-day all expense paid trip to Texas to see Beth Moore live....backstage, dinner with her and her team, and I get to take three ppl with me......if I win, that is! Would LOVE to see her live sometime. I will keep you posted. For now, I just wanted to keep it short and simple.....and let you know that I am D.O.N.E!
I just entered my info in a drawing that will take place this Friday, for a 4-day all expense paid trip to Texas to see Beth Moore live....backstage, dinner with her and her team, and I get to take three ppl with me......if I win, that is! Would LOVE to see her live sometime. I will keep you posted. For now, I just wanted to keep it short and simple.....and let you know that I am D.O.N.E!
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