Spring...

I believe that Spring has FINALLY Sprung in Missouri!

What a winter it has been! Sub-zero colds and Colds and coughs galore! We went for our first bike ride of the year yesterday. It was WONDERFUL. Birds were chirping and singing their song. Worms were wriggling across the path. Some had dried up! (cringe)

The kids are on spring break. And my brother Adam came for a nice visit.

How I love my family. =)

I am about to finish my third cycle of chemo. This has been the best by far! As the days wind down to complete this cycle...I am noticing the fatigue, weepiness, and aches. They told me that I would still have the fatigue, but the rest of the symptoms would go away. Thus far, it has proved true. Amen to this!

Do you ever get to a place where you are not sure where to go? For instance, should I keep my blog?
Should I keep going with something that I have loved and written to? Honestly, it feels burdensome of late. Not that I don't enjoy it, just "Something to do" looms heavy sometimes. I have placed very little in the way of expectations of just how many times a month to write. Thankful that you cannot see everything. =) and praise the Lord for editing. =) My spelling at times is atrocious!

Aaron is finishing another class online. His love for learning compels me to keep learning as well. From him, and all around me. It's contagious! And where would we be without learning?

I have recently been enjoying some of Shelly Smith Morales work behind the camera. She has her personal page on Facebook. For those that don't have FB, I will include a few of my favorites below. Her ability with nature is second to none. (IMO) Her pictures have brought such a calming effect to me and I am sure so many. Go check her out!

Loving life...

Yesterday was Church. A day set aside to worship. I love church, the people that is.

Well, most of them ;).

Also, my white counts are down/low, so that means the mask comes out. I despise being sick and wearing it because it is SO very hot/warm. But I will say, one positive of it: with the subzero temps, I stay nice and toasty. *smile

For Valentines Day this year we did...nothing.  However, Aaron totally hit a home run with his gift to me: an Automatic Car Starter Kit. Hands to the heavens that's just what this girl wanted and what my frozen body needed!  I don't need to be wined and dined, although that's nice on occasion. Give this girl an auto car starter and you've won her heart forever. Nothing says I love you like a warm car.

 Am I right?

Aaron's birthday came and went on this past Saturday. We celebrated by going over to his mom and dad's house. He plowed out their driveway, while the kids and I went sledding in the backyard. Then, we took our mule (side by side) and hauled our skis to the top of "Mount Shafer", *think long bunny hill.* and we skied down it. We then connected a tow strap to the back of the mule and skied back up. And... you get the idea. Totally Red Neck and Hillbilly-like. And it was AWESOME. We came in to a warm dinner of fried Chicken, scalloped potatoes, green beans, corn and a hot rolls. Comfort foods. I'm hungry just thinking of the feast!

Folks have been asking me how I am doing. While I would love to say "GREAT!" all the time, the reality is, that it's not. Most of the time it is. I have so many thoughts going through my head but the one that screams the loudest is this: 

I WILL NOT STOP LIVING MY LIFE. 

I don't know how to die.

I will just keep living, until I don't anymore.

That's all that any of us can do.

So, my days include all of my normal activities. Surprise! I spoke with a gentleman from church, a beloved friend, who has just passed his prognosis date. He was like: Erin, they told me 6 months and that was several weeks ago. So, now I give THEM 6 months and I will go back and see them. I feel fantastic! In fact, I'm going to Texas this week, because why not?

Exactly.

Why the heck not?

New Year, New Me...

PS: this was to have been posted three weeks ago...SO SORRY!

Every year there's a "New Year" (duh);

Gosh Darn! I amaze myself with my astute (and profound) thoughts.

You're welcome!

 And with the new year comes resolutions that burn out, and words of the year that have tons of meaning, but fizzle with the last of the snow. January is just TOUGH, yes? Especially this year with so many sub-zero Arctic Blasts, etc. I don't know about you, but I blame Elsa--the Ice Queen.

Lol!

All doubts aside, I have had a GREAT week...off Chemo. It was as if the clouds parted and I could hear my thoughts again...not through a fog. #scary #bothWays

Anyhow, I have been learning the value of rest. Not just any rest, but REST. The kind where we stop all activity in our lives, minds, hearts and lean in to what is really important.

Do you know what I have found so surprising? I actually like my life...and kids, and yes, Aaron too. Love him actually. He just "gets" me. So thankful for him.

 I was able to go with Libbi on her school field trip...to a kids art museum and then an Aquarium. I was excited to do this with her, as I did this with Cade and had a fantastic time! The other bonus? It was her BIRTHDAY. How did time go so fast!!! 6 years FLEW by, and bless her sweet little heart she has invited tons of her friends to her party that is not taking place.

Not this year, baby girl.

With all the negativity in the news today, I am loving the pace of reading actual books, and having coffee with strangers and friends alike. I have been going and getting massages frequently due to the STRESS of life right now--(-shocker, I know.)

 Between the down time, massages and just sitting still I realize that we have busied ourselves right out of comfortable and into the frying pan. I despise this in myself!

We bust it from dawn 'til dusk trying to make something of our kids, instead of letting them be little...while they truly want for us to establish boundaries. What they really need is us to pay attention to them (instead of our phone or the next thing on our calendar).

Also, I just heard a song by Joey and Rory Feek,called "The Bible and the Belt."

Believe me when I say this: I am not coming at you or any one person in judgement...I am the queen of  double standards when it comes to being Judgy McJudgerson. However, I have come to terms with this in my life.

We need to do better.

I have tried to put my thoughts into words and lists; what I need to say or do, and then do them. Believe me--nothing puts the fire under you like Cancer does. There is this intensity to make every second count/MATTER.

Because life is hard.

And if some day I have to leave a legacy to my children, then I have some serious work to do. There are things that I want them to know, and want them to do. I want them to learn from me and I want them to be better than I was.

What do you have and want to pass on?

Thoughts?

Leave your comments below.

E

What we know: He IS the God of the Mountain

If you have followed me on Facebook, you know that the results were not what we had hoped. 

Crap. 

What we know is that I now have stage 4 Breast Cancer, metastasis to the Lungs. I am one pill away from finishing my first round of Chemo/Targeted Therapy. I'm not exactly sure what the difference is, except that the side effects are MUCH better. I am so thankful, and no surgery in the near future. 

There is no cure (at this time); As I clutch my pearls, they tell me if this treatment works, I have decades. Not just months. Hands to the heavens. I know this sounds morbid and heavy and indeed it is. This one thing I DO KNOW: nothing changes. I have the EXACT days that I have had from my birth. God is GOOD and He is not one bit surprised by this. 

I'm not going to lie: my husband had to give some tough love to get me out of bed. I curled up and didn't move for about three days. It wasn't pretty. I would have stayed longer. *smile

My side effects thus far have been Fatigue, my old friend; numbness and cold intolerance of my hands and feet; and then there is the hormones that no one tells you that go out of whack. I talked with the KU Pharmacist and got things straightened around and feel 100% better. 

I feel so fortunate for grace and love from those around me as we all adjust to yet another new normal. I hear people tell me I look well, and I am thankful--I don't know how to look any other way. 

As a mom, it is SO VERY difficult to keep things normal for your family. Your spouse. We just (I/myself) don't have the mental energy to tell anything other than the truth. It is difficult to say the least, but we are all terminal. This life is 100% fun. Its also 100% fatal. 
So, we keep on living. Because what we are called to is living, and from all accounts is just all we know how to do on this side of Heaven. 

My current playlist is: Pat Barrett (Self Titled) on repeat. 
Natalie Grant also has a song :More than Anything 
Sarah Reeves: Easy Never Needed You


Each song is just resonating with me. . 
Such a challenge, each and every song. Each new day is another new day to keep on keeping on and sharing the deep and hard things. Somehow we get to believing the lie that the Christian life is about ease and if we do the right things, make the right decisions, don't say these words, dress this way, listen to this or that...as if we have the power...that is GREAT if you want to do those, but to impress them on someone else is pure crap-ola/religiosity. And you'd better be careful--there could be a solid throat punch coming your way. 

Yes, there are DEEP and DARK things that I have been challenged on. The beauty of the gospel is this: Grace is the needed remedy and the cure for all that ails us.

I need to get going here. These days my iPhone is amazing as you can set the alarm to help remind you. You know, things like picking up kids. Dinner. No Big Deal. 

I haven't gotten around to giving those of you all inquiring on FB messenger and I may not. Nothing personal, just that I struggle with making most days to the end of the days with my family. I am often stopped and giving a blank stare. (SO EMBARASSING, but humbling as well...and when I am face down there isn't a long distance to fall.) 

I am trying to get comfortable with people feeling let down and disappointed with me. All I can do, is what I am doing. Some of it is only a "feeling" and I must be carefully guarded NOT to use this as a reaction but rather a reminder of Grace. This life is very difficult indeed. 

Will you pray for me in this? Not just for healing, but also the lies the enemy tries to fill my head with. He is such a loser like that. LOW BLOW Satan. Low blow. 

How can you help? Don't take things personal. And when I figure out what is needed/helpful, I will let you know. Deal? 

                                 He is Jesus. The Faithful. We trust in HIM during this time.
























































 

Redeeming the time...

Another year has gone by....reminds me of the Celine Dion song off her Christmas album.

How “funny” is it that this year: I’m at home, wrapped up, throwing up, and on the eve of my lung biopsy.

To catch you up quickly—July came, and with it my yearly trip to the dr. (Oncologist.)
While there, he said everything looked good but that my tumor markers were elevated. This led to more testing, several other scans, other drs, and now last week, was the final test to be done on my lungs to monitor spots they felt were “benign.”

In short—they’ve grown—not substantially, but enough that now they’re getting “excited.”
Coupled that with the news that my tumor marker went from 22, up to 84, and then 95....and stabilized there but this time—came back at 156.

Oh crap.

In the words of my Oncologist, “at least they’re not in the 1,000’s!” Yes, there’s that. Always that.
I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to sit back and reflect about just HOW MUCH I loved being in remission, etc. So now, on the eve of the unknown I’m not going to wow you with wit or wisdom.

I’m scared. Hoping and praying. And fully prepared for the “Even if.” Well as prepared as I can ever be. It is a delicate balance to hold hope and reality in both hands.

Especially when (before you know it), another year has gone by.

Redeeming the time...the best I know how.

The Bloom of Fall...

     The seasons are changing. Before our eyes, another one has come and gone, giving way to winter—a time of settling in. Preserving.

       I wish I had the foresight to preserve everything I know from all of the lives of loved ones I’ve known. The type of eyesight to take everything in and frame it on the walls of  my memory.  You know? So that on the days that are hard, the walk through memory lane is one of instant joy and remembrance, and that this life is a good, good life.  Because this life is good. Real good. 

     The lessons we learn through the changing seasons are the lessons we need to keep moving forward. We can’t just live in the good times, or even in the bad times. It’s just how God made it. If winter lasted too long, we would forget the joy that the bright green blades of grass through the snow bring. Or the new baby calves resting on the hills?  How about the blazing sun rises? A statement that Spring has sprung. 

     Fall is the same way. The letting go so that something new can bloom.  At least that’s what grandma said.  Just before she died a few short weeks ago. What an awesome privilege it was to go to her bedside and love on her. When it was just us, we shared the things we wanted most for the other to know. Her children and grands formed a sort of honor guard around her those last days. Liquid love and memories spilled freely down our faces. The funny thing is? She hardly cried. 

                                           

    Grandma was the type of person that could listen without judgement. Counsel without scorn and love us all the way through to better decisions, all the while saying, “Now what are you going to learn from this? It’s yours now to deal with.”  Grandma was the type of person that wasn’t super long on words. Don’t get me wrong, she could talk, but she was huge on accepting responsibility. We were raised to take ownership of ourselves and our actions. No excuses.  She treated each person is if they were the only person in the room. Her grandchildren and her children could even say that we all felt like we were “the favorite.” She made us feel that way, because she lived it. Close to the end she told us that this was her time. She lived and loved well and she had zero regrets. There is NO doubt with her last breath she let us know...We were her favorite. 

    And this fall we are learning that it is our time to bloom.  

    Hallelujah, grandma—grandma-great—Mom—friend—confidant—encourager...

you are home. 

When Someone Else Is Talking...

I have been reminded of a valuable lesson.

I've completed my training at the three clinics I'll be working at. My goodness I had a great time! I love doing what I do. I forgot how much I loved it. The Doctors, staff, the patients...all of it.

My memory, skills and coordination were tested over this past month. Skills I haven't used in 13 years...and then some.

Everything I had to learn, from the Computer systems, new dosing, treatments, tubes, lab values, procedures...nothing prepared me for the realization that this world needs people who will listen. 

I never dreamed something so simple would mean so much. Oh, but it does.

Of Everything I did to prepare for this job, listening was key. At every turn, my trainers unknowingly taught me this. How I wish the world would teach us or offer a class on this. But they don't.

So WE NEED TO BECOME THE TEACHERS. 

Bless the brave girls...

that helped me train. Everyday they listen and hear between the lines. They fight battles unseen because sometimes, this body and this earth cannot do for us what we want it to. 

Make us happy.

ONLY GOD can bring this type of healing. And the world needs to hear this message!!! 

The difficult pill to swallow is one called "MORTAL." There's a difinitive beginning and ending.
And in order for us as "teachers" to be able to teach, we have to get really good at separating the truth from the lies because, words? They are POWERFUL. And in order to hear them, we need to listen.

And become the trainers that will teach truth...and train others to listen to TRUTH's voice.

In order to be heard we have to  LISTEN when Someone else is talking...

and give them Jesus.