I don’t know about you, but sometimes I want to run...like literally/actually run—away from my life.
This morning dawned bright and the weather acted about how I felt. Partly cloudy with the chance of rain. How appropriate. There is a lot of H.E.A.V.Y stuff going on all around me. And quite frankly—life sucks at times. But there IS GOOD IN THIS, yes—even in this.
“There’s a time for everything,” the Bible says.
Just two weeks ago my friend Jana was asking me if I could get her in for a blood pressure check, except I wasn’t working that day. She was admitted two days later with Leukemia.
We lay her to rest on Saturday, as she died yesterday from complications of her fight.
It was so, so sudden. Shocking even. My heart aches for her family—I cannot begin to fathom what her family is going through.
Like I said—Running away...sounds pretty fantastic.
I’m laying here in my bed as Libbi sleeps fitfully in the next room—(she’s always been a flipper in her sleep). Cade sniffles himself to sleep in the next room beside hers. Aaron too. Sigh.
Watching them go through this has been so difficult. I have no words.
And that’s ok.
The magnitude of “what if’s” has hit my family HARD. The stone cold reality that we all have a date with death and for the Christian, only temporary parting.
Parting here on this earth is scary because this is simply all we know—& for my kids—their kids, it’s terrifying thinking of losing a mother/anyone is terrifying.
I’ve decided to run...and keep running to the feet of the Father. The safest place to hide...Under his sheltering presence. He holds our hearts, tears and yes, even our fears.
Remember: fear is just an acronym for “False Evidence Appearing Real.”
Fear is a liar.
Oddly enough, my timeline memories popped up and showed me that it’s been a whole year (today) since I found out my cancer has returned in my lungs. So I’ll need to keep breathing and getting my endurance breaths in and out. And it’s a great reminder to keep doing this life-thing as I have been learning/singing/praising to Resurrection. The only Power that can raise the dead to life...is Jesus. Reminding me to live. Keep breathing...and for goodness sake...quit holding my breath!
I don’t have a neat little package to pull this all together—but just know; the world continues on it’s axis; and no matter what this month, next month, or even next year brings—He is in control.
And for now I’m running to the pace of cloudy with a chance of rain.
Thursday, August 8, 2019
Saturday, May 4, 2019
In the Waiting...
No one likes to wait.
No one.
In the doctors office (that I work at), if we are running behind, the patients will ask how long its going to be. And often times they reschedule if they cannot wait, or they will roll their eyes and take a seat back out in the waiting room and rehearse a nice long rant for the nurse (*me*) and let us have it. Knowing this, we try to get patients back within a reasonable amount of time. It is a lot less complicated.
I was waiting recently for a lab draw, for myself this time...and after 45 minutes I was a bit nervous. Squeamish to put it correctly. No one called for me. They gave me a pager; but it didn't go off.
So you know, I drive an hour one way for this appointment, and everything is timed out so that we can get it all done in the span of a couple hours. It is exhausting and very LONG, so any perceived "Wait time" is over the top. In my opinion. *smile*
I asked the lady at the check in desk: How much longer? And she politely smiles and says that there is "just one ahead of you ma'am." And sure enough, my name was called, and I was in and out in no time. Only to go up to the exam room on the third floor and find out they drew the wrong labs.
Sigh.
And sigh again.
It all straightened out, but the waiting (again) was rough.
That's when I knew: it will always be this way. Waiting on __________ (fill in the blank). God is looking for our responses in the waiting. Will we trust? Will we rant and rave? Will we wait?
Like most things in life, you can reschedule. However illness isn't like most things. There is NEVER a convenient time to get sick. EVER.
While we have been waiting we have been the fortunate recipient of remarkable kindness from several of you (and maybe just one person?). It is so very humbling and SO APPRECIATED. How they know "just when" is incredible. Nothing short of miraculous really. I love the flowers, the gift cards, the notes, letters, get well soon wishes and all of that. It wells my eyes with tears to know how much we mean to so many. Truly.
We are going through SO MANY things right now. Not just myself, but my father, and our dear friend, and another dear friend. Each of these situations are very serious and require LOTS of WAITING. Results. Planning. More tests. More waiting. See the pattern?
However, I stumbled across an old book that has helped me TREMENDOUSLY: Hinds Feet in High Places, by Hannah Hurnard.
It is about a girl named Much Afraid with her deformed face and feet; longing to follow the Shepherd to the High Places. I'd encourage you to read it. I am reading it again (for the third time). SO many good reminders.
There is purpose in the waiting. Peace, too. The Shepherd longs to take us to the High Places as well if we would only embrace the companions He sends our way to help us. Yes, Sorrow and Suffering are along for the ride...but it doesn't have to be this way. When we realize that there is nothing that the Shepherd won't do for us: it is powerful.
I don't want to spoil this book for you. Just go read it. I hope it gives you what you're looking for.
As we wait, lets listen to some good music/albums, shall we? What's on your current playlist?
No one.
In the doctors office (that I work at), if we are running behind, the patients will ask how long its going to be. And often times they reschedule if they cannot wait, or they will roll their eyes and take a seat back out in the waiting room and rehearse a nice long rant for the nurse (*me*) and let us have it. Knowing this, we try to get patients back within a reasonable amount of time. It is a lot less complicated.
I was waiting recently for a lab draw, for myself this time...and after 45 minutes I was a bit nervous. Squeamish to put it correctly. No one called for me. They gave me a pager; but it didn't go off.
So you know, I drive an hour one way for this appointment, and everything is timed out so that we can get it all done in the span of a couple hours. It is exhausting and very LONG, so any perceived "Wait time" is over the top. In my opinion. *smile*
I asked the lady at the check in desk: How much longer? And she politely smiles and says that there is "just one ahead of you ma'am." And sure enough, my name was called, and I was in and out in no time. Only to go up to the exam room on the third floor and find out they drew the wrong labs.
Sigh.
And sigh again.
It all straightened out, but the waiting (again) was rough.
That's when I knew: it will always be this way. Waiting on __________ (fill in the blank). God is looking for our responses in the waiting. Will we trust? Will we rant and rave? Will we wait?
Like most things in life, you can reschedule. However illness isn't like most things. There is NEVER a convenient time to get sick. EVER.
While we have been waiting we have been the fortunate recipient of remarkable kindness from several of you (and maybe just one person?). It is so very humbling and SO APPRECIATED. How they know "just when" is incredible. Nothing short of miraculous really. I love the flowers, the gift cards, the notes, letters, get well soon wishes and all of that. It wells my eyes with tears to know how much we mean to so many. Truly.
We are going through SO MANY things right now. Not just myself, but my father, and our dear friend, and another dear friend. Each of these situations are very serious and require LOTS of WAITING. Results. Planning. More tests. More waiting. See the pattern?
However, I stumbled across an old book that has helped me TREMENDOUSLY: Hinds Feet in High Places, by Hannah Hurnard.
It is about a girl named Much Afraid with her deformed face and feet; longing to follow the Shepherd to the High Places. I'd encourage you to read it. I am reading it again (for the third time). SO many good reminders.
There is purpose in the waiting. Peace, too. The Shepherd longs to take us to the High Places as well if we would only embrace the companions He sends our way to help us. Yes, Sorrow and Suffering are along for the ride...but it doesn't have to be this way. When we realize that there is nothing that the Shepherd won't do for us: it is powerful.
I don't want to spoil this book for you. Just go read it. I hope it gives you what you're looking for.
As we wait, lets listen to some good music/albums, shall we? What's on your current playlist?
DEEPER ROOTS: Where the Bluegrass Grows, by Steven Curtis Chapman
VICTORY, by Bethel Music
RED SEA ROAD, by Ellie Holcomb
SING, by Ellie Holcomb
Friday, March 22, 2019
Spring...
I believe that Spring has FINALLY Sprung in Missouri!
What a winter it has been! Sub-zero colds and Colds and coughs galore! We went for our first bike ride of the year yesterday. It was WONDERFUL. Birds were chirping and singing their song. Worms were wriggling across the path. Some had dried up! (cringe)
The kids are on spring break. And my brother Adam came for a nice visit.
How I love my family. =)
I am about to finish my third cycle of chemo. This has been the best by far! As the days wind down to complete this cycle...I am noticing the fatigue, weepiness, and aches. They told me that I would still have the fatigue, but the rest of the symptoms would go away. Thus far, it has proved true. Amen to this!
Do you ever get to a place where you are not sure where to go? For instance, should I keep my blog?
Should I keep going with something that I have loved and written to? Honestly, it feels burdensome of late. Not that I don't enjoy it, just "Something to do" looms heavy sometimes. I have placed very little in the way of expectations of just how many times a month to write. Thankful that you cannot see everything. =) and praise the Lord for editing. =) My spelling at times is atrocious!
Aaron is finishing another class online. His love for learning compels me to keep learning as well. From him, and all around me. It's contagious! And where would we be without learning?
I have recently been enjoying some of Shelly Smith Morales work behind the camera. She has her personal page on Facebook. For those that don't have FB, I will include a few of my favorites below. Her ability with nature is second to none. (IMO) Her pictures have brought such a calming effect to me and I am sure so many. Go check her out!
What a winter it has been! Sub-zero colds and Colds and coughs galore! We went for our first bike ride of the year yesterday. It was WONDERFUL. Birds were chirping and singing their song. Worms were wriggling across the path. Some had dried up! (cringe)
The kids are on spring break. And my brother Adam came for a nice visit.
How I love my family. =)
I am about to finish my third cycle of chemo. This has been the best by far! As the days wind down to complete this cycle...I am noticing the fatigue, weepiness, and aches. They told me that I would still have the fatigue, but the rest of the symptoms would go away. Thus far, it has proved true. Amen to this!
Do you ever get to a place where you are not sure where to go? For instance, should I keep my blog?
Should I keep going with something that I have loved and written to? Honestly, it feels burdensome of late. Not that I don't enjoy it, just "Something to do" looms heavy sometimes. I have placed very little in the way of expectations of just how many times a month to write. Thankful that you cannot see everything. =) and praise the Lord for editing. =) My spelling at times is atrocious!
Aaron is finishing another class online. His love for learning compels me to keep learning as well. From him, and all around me. It's contagious! And where would we be without learning?
I have recently been enjoying some of Shelly Smith Morales work behind the camera. She has her personal page on Facebook. For those that don't have FB, I will include a few of my favorites below. Her ability with nature is second to none. (IMO) Her pictures have brought such a calming effect to me and I am sure so many. Go check her out!
Monday, February 18, 2019
Loving life...
Yesterday was Church. A day set aside to worship. I love church, the people that is.
Well, most of them ;).
Also, my white counts are down/low, so that means the mask comes out. I despise being sick and wearing it because it is SO very hot/warm. But I will say, one positive of it: with the subzero temps, I stay nice and toasty. *smile
For Valentines Day this year we did...nothing. However, Aaron totally hit a home run with his gift to me: an Automatic Car Starter Kit. Hands to the heavens that's just what this girl wanted and what my frozen body needed! I don't need to be wined and dined, although that's nice on occasion. Give this girl an auto car starter and you've won her heart forever. Nothing says I love you like a warm car.
Am I right?
Aaron's birthday came and went on this past Saturday. We celebrated by going over to his mom and dad's house. He plowed out their driveway, while the kids and I went sledding in the backyard. Then, we took our mule (side by side) and hauled our skis to the top of "Mount Shafer", *think long bunny hill.* and we skied down it. We then connected a tow strap to the back of the mule and skied back up. And... you get the idea. Totally Red Neck and Hillbilly-like. And it was AWESOME. We came in to a warm dinner of fried Chicken, scalloped potatoes, green beans, corn and a hot rolls. Comfort foods. I'm hungry just thinking of the feast!
Folks have been asking me how I am doing. While I would love to say "GREAT!" all the time, the reality is, that it's not. Most of the time it is. I have so many thoughts going through my head but the one that screams the loudest is this:
I WILL NOT STOP LIVING MY LIFE.
I don't know how to die.
I will just keep living, until I don't anymore.
That's all that any of us can do.
So, my days include all of my normal activities. Surprise! I spoke with a gentleman from church, a beloved friend, who has just passed his prognosis date. He was like: Erin, they told me 6 months and that was several weeks ago. So, now I give THEM 6 months and I will go back and see them. I feel fantastic! In fact, I'm going to Texas this week, because why not?
Exactly.
Why the heck not?
Well, most of them ;).
Also, my white counts are down/low, so that means the mask comes out. I despise being sick and wearing it because it is SO very hot/warm. But I will say, one positive of it: with the subzero temps, I stay nice and toasty. *smile
For Valentines Day this year we did...nothing. However, Aaron totally hit a home run with his gift to me: an Automatic Car Starter Kit. Hands to the heavens that's just what this girl wanted and what my frozen body needed! I don't need to be wined and dined, although that's nice on occasion. Give this girl an auto car starter and you've won her heart forever. Nothing says I love you like a warm car.
Am I right?
Aaron's birthday came and went on this past Saturday. We celebrated by going over to his mom and dad's house. He plowed out their driveway, while the kids and I went sledding in the backyard. Then, we took our mule (side by side) and hauled our skis to the top of "Mount Shafer", *think long bunny hill.* and we skied down it. We then connected a tow strap to the back of the mule and skied back up. And... you get the idea. Totally Red Neck and Hillbilly-like. And it was AWESOME. We came in to a warm dinner of fried Chicken, scalloped potatoes, green beans, corn and a hot rolls. Comfort foods. I'm hungry just thinking of the feast!
Folks have been asking me how I am doing. While I would love to say "GREAT!" all the time, the reality is, that it's not. Most of the time it is. I have so many thoughts going through my head but the one that screams the loudest is this:
I WILL NOT STOP LIVING MY LIFE.
I don't know how to die.
I will just keep living, until I don't anymore.
That's all that any of us can do.
So, my days include all of my normal activities. Surprise! I spoke with a gentleman from church, a beloved friend, who has just passed his prognosis date. He was like: Erin, they told me 6 months and that was several weeks ago. So, now I give THEM 6 months and I will go back and see them. I feel fantastic! In fact, I'm going to Texas this week, because why not?
Exactly.
Why the heck not?
New Year, New Me...
PS: this was to have been posted three weeks ago...SO SORRY!
Every year there's a "New Year" (duh);
Gosh Darn! I amaze myself with my astute (and profound) thoughts.
You're welcome!
And with the new year comes resolutions that burn out, and words of the year that have tons of meaning, but fizzle with the last of the snow. January is just TOUGH, yes? Especially this year with so many sub-zero Arctic Blasts, etc. I don't know about you, but I blame Elsa--the Ice Queen.
Lol!
All doubts aside, I have had a GREAT week...off Chemo. It was as if the clouds parted and I could hear my thoughts again...not through a fog. #scary #bothWays
Anyhow, I have been learning the value of rest. Not just any rest, but REST. The kind where we stop all activity in our lives, minds, hearts and lean in to what is really important.
Do you know what I have found so surprising? I actually like my life...and kids, and yes, Aaron too. Love him actually. He just "gets" me. So thankful for him.
I was able to go with Libbi on her school field trip...to a kids art museum and then an Aquarium. I was excited to do this with her, as I did this with Cade and had a fantastic time! The other bonus? It was her BIRTHDAY. How did time go so fast!!! 6 years FLEW by, and bless her sweet little heart she has invited tons of her friends to her party that is not taking place.
Not this year, baby girl.
With all the negativity in the news today, I am loving the pace of reading actual books, and having coffee with strangers and friends alike. I have been going and getting massages frequently due to the STRESS of life right now--(-shocker, I know.)
Between the down time, massages and just sitting still I realize that we have busied ourselves right out of comfortable and into the frying pan. I despise this in myself!
We bust it from dawn 'til dusk trying to make something of our kids, instead of letting them be little...while they truly want for us to establish boundaries. What they really need is us to pay attention to them (instead of our phone or the next thing on our calendar).
Also, I just heard a song by Joey and Rory Feek,called "The Bible and the Belt."
Believe me when I say this: I am not coming at you or any one person in judgement...I am the queen of double standards when it comes to being Judgy McJudgerson. However, I have come to terms with this in my life.
We need to do better.
I have tried to put my thoughts into words and lists; what I need to say or do, and then do them. Believe me--nothing puts the fire under you like Cancer does. There is this intensity to make every second count/MATTER.
Because life is hard.
And if some day I have to leave a legacy to my children, then I have some serious work to do. There are things that I want them to know, and want them to do. I want them to learn from me and I want them to be better than I was.
What do you have and want to pass on?
Thoughts?
Leave your comments below.
E
Every year there's a "New Year" (duh);
Gosh Darn! I amaze myself with my astute (and profound) thoughts.
You're welcome!
And with the new year comes resolutions that burn out, and words of the year that have tons of meaning, but fizzle with the last of the snow. January is just TOUGH, yes? Especially this year with so many sub-zero Arctic Blasts, etc. I don't know about you, but I blame Elsa--the Ice Queen.
Lol!
All doubts aside, I have had a GREAT week...off Chemo. It was as if the clouds parted and I could hear my thoughts again...not through a fog. #scary #bothWays
Anyhow, I have been learning the value of rest. Not just any rest, but REST. The kind where we stop all activity in our lives, minds, hearts and lean in to what is really important.
Do you know what I have found so surprising? I actually like my life...and kids, and yes, Aaron too. Love him actually. He just "gets" me. So thankful for him.
I was able to go with Libbi on her school field trip...to a kids art museum and then an Aquarium. I was excited to do this with her, as I did this with Cade and had a fantastic time! The other bonus? It was her BIRTHDAY. How did time go so fast!!! 6 years FLEW by, and bless her sweet little heart she has invited tons of her friends to her party that is not taking place.
Not this year, baby girl.
With all the negativity in the news today, I am loving the pace of reading actual books, and having coffee with strangers and friends alike. I have been going and getting massages frequently due to the STRESS of life right now--(-shocker, I know.)
Between the down time, massages and just sitting still I realize that we have busied ourselves right out of comfortable and into the frying pan. I despise this in myself!
We bust it from dawn 'til dusk trying to make something of our kids, instead of letting them be little...while they truly want for us to establish boundaries. What they really need is us to pay attention to them (instead of our phone or the next thing on our calendar).
Also, I just heard a song by Joey and Rory Feek,called "The Bible and the Belt."
Believe me when I say this: I am not coming at you or any one person in judgement...I am the queen of double standards when it comes to being Judgy McJudgerson. However, I have come to terms with this in my life.
We need to do better.
I have tried to put my thoughts into words and lists; what I need to say or do, and then do them. Believe me--nothing puts the fire under you like Cancer does. There is this intensity to make every second count/MATTER.
Because life is hard.
And if some day I have to leave a legacy to my children, then I have some serious work to do. There are things that I want them to know, and want them to do. I want them to learn from me and I want them to be better than I was.
What do you have and want to pass on?
Thoughts?
Leave your comments below.
E
Friday, January 25, 2019
What we know: He IS the God of the Mountain
If you have followed me on Facebook, you know that the results were not what we had hoped.
Crap.
What we know is that I now have stage 4 Breast Cancer, metastasis to the Lungs. I am one pill away from finishing my first round of Chemo/Targeted Therapy. I'm not exactly sure what the difference is, except that the side effects are MUCH better. I am so thankful, and no surgery in the near future.
There is no cure (at this time); As I clutch my pearls, they tell me if this treatment works, I have decades. Not just months. Hands to the heavens. I know this sounds morbid and heavy and indeed it is. This one thing I DO KNOW: nothing changes. I have the EXACT days that I have had from my birth. God is GOOD and He is not one bit surprised by this.
I'm not going to lie: my husband had to give some tough love to get me out of bed. I curled up and didn't move for about three days. It wasn't pretty. I would have stayed longer. *smile
My side effects thus far have been Fatigue, my old friend; numbness and cold intolerance of my hands and feet; and then there is the hormones that no one tells you that go out of whack. I talked with the KU Pharmacist and got things straightened around and feel 100% better.
I feel so fortunate for grace and love from those around me as we all adjust to yet another new normal. I hear people tell me I look well, and I am thankful--I don't know how to look any other way.
As a mom, it is SO VERY difficult to keep things normal for your family. Your spouse. We just (I/myself) don't have the mental energy to tell anything other than the truth. It is difficult to say the least, but we are all terminal. This life is 100% fun. Its also 100% fatal.
So, we keep on living. Because what we are called to is living, and from all accounts is just all we know how to do on this side of Heaven.
My current playlist is: Pat Barrett (Self Titled) on repeat.
Natalie Grant also has a song :More than Anything
Sarah Reeves: Easy Never Needed You
Each song is just resonating with me. .
Such a challenge, each and every song. Each new day is another new day to keep on keeping on and sharing the deep and hard things. Somehow we get to believing the lie that the Christian life is about ease and if we do the right things, make the right decisions, don't say these words, dress this way, listen to this or that...as if we have the power...that is GREAT if you want to do those, but to impress them on someone else is pure crap-ola/religiosity. And you'd better be careful--there could be a solid throat punch coming your way.
Yes, there are DEEP and DARK things that I have been challenged on. The beauty of the gospel is this: Grace is the needed remedy and the cure for all that ails us.
I need to get going here. These days my iPhone is amazing as you can set the alarm to help remind you. You know, things like picking up kids. Dinner. No Big Deal.
I haven't gotten around to giving those of you all inquiring on FB messenger and I may not. Nothing personal, just that I struggle with making most days to the end of the days with my family. I am often stopped and giving a blank stare. (SO EMBARASSING, but humbling as well...and when I am face down there isn't a long distance to fall.)
I am trying to get comfortable with people feeling let down and disappointed with me. All I can do, is what I am doing. Some of it is only a "feeling" and I must be carefully guarded NOT to use this as a reaction but rather a reminder of Grace. This life is very difficult indeed.
Will you pray for me in this? Not just for healing, but also the lies the enemy tries to fill my head with. He is such a loser like that. LOW BLOW Satan. Low blow.
How can you help? Don't take things personal. And when I figure out what is needed/helpful, I will let you know. Deal?
He is Jesus. The Faithful. We trust in HIM during this time.
Crap.
What we know is that I now have stage 4 Breast Cancer, metastasis to the Lungs. I am one pill away from finishing my first round of Chemo/Targeted Therapy. I'm not exactly sure what the difference is, except that the side effects are MUCH better. I am so thankful, and no surgery in the near future.
There is no cure (at this time); As I clutch my pearls, they tell me if this treatment works, I have decades. Not just months. Hands to the heavens. I know this sounds morbid and heavy and indeed it is. This one thing I DO KNOW: nothing changes. I have the EXACT days that I have had from my birth. God is GOOD and He is not one bit surprised by this.
I'm not going to lie: my husband had to give some tough love to get me out of bed. I curled up and didn't move for about three days. It wasn't pretty. I would have stayed longer. *smile
My side effects thus far have been Fatigue, my old friend; numbness and cold intolerance of my hands and feet; and then there is the hormones that no one tells you that go out of whack. I talked with the KU Pharmacist and got things straightened around and feel 100% better.
I feel so fortunate for grace and love from those around me as we all adjust to yet another new normal. I hear people tell me I look well, and I am thankful--I don't know how to look any other way.
As a mom, it is SO VERY difficult to keep things normal for your family. Your spouse. We just (I/myself) don't have the mental energy to tell anything other than the truth. It is difficult to say the least, but we are all terminal. This life is 100% fun. Its also 100% fatal.
So, we keep on living. Because what we are called to is living, and from all accounts is just all we know how to do on this side of Heaven.
My current playlist is: Pat Barrett (Self Titled) on repeat.
Natalie Grant also has a song :More than Anything
Sarah Reeves: Easy Never Needed You
Each song is just resonating with me. .
Such a challenge, each and every song. Each new day is another new day to keep on keeping on and sharing the deep and hard things. Somehow we get to believing the lie that the Christian life is about ease and if we do the right things, make the right decisions, don't say these words, dress this way, listen to this or that...as if we have the power...that is GREAT if you want to do those, but to impress them on someone else is pure crap-ola/religiosity. And you'd better be careful--there could be a solid throat punch coming your way.
Yes, there are DEEP and DARK things that I have been challenged on. The beauty of the gospel is this: Grace is the needed remedy and the cure for all that ails us.
I need to get going here. These days my iPhone is amazing as you can set the alarm to help remind you. You know, things like picking up kids. Dinner. No Big Deal.
I haven't gotten around to giving those of you all inquiring on FB messenger and I may not. Nothing personal, just that I struggle with making most days to the end of the days with my family. I am often stopped and giving a blank stare. (SO EMBARASSING, but humbling as well...and when I am face down there isn't a long distance to fall.)
I am trying to get comfortable with people feeling let down and disappointed with me. All I can do, is what I am doing. Some of it is only a "feeling" and I must be carefully guarded NOT to use this as a reaction but rather a reminder of Grace. This life is very difficult indeed.
Will you pray for me in this? Not just for healing, but also the lies the enemy tries to fill my head with. He is such a loser like that. LOW BLOW Satan. Low blow.
How can you help? Don't take things personal. And when I figure out what is needed/helpful, I will let you know. Deal?
He is Jesus. The Faithful. We trust in HIM during this time.
Sunday, December 9, 2018
Redeeming the time...
Another year has gone by....reminds me of the Celine Dion song off her Christmas album.
How “funny” is it that this year: I’m at home, wrapped up, throwing up, and on the eve of my lung biopsy.
To catch you up quickly—July came, and with it my yearly trip to the dr. (Oncologist.)
While there, he said everything looked good but that my tumor markers were elevated. This led to more testing, several other scans, other drs, and now last week, was the final test to be done on my lungs to monitor spots they felt were “benign.”
In short—they’ve grown—not substantially, but enough that now they’re getting “excited.”
Coupled that with the news that my tumor marker went from 22, up to 84, and then 95....and stabilized there but this time—came back at 156.
Oh crap.
In the words of my Oncologist, “at least they’re not in the 1,000’s!” Yes, there’s that. Always that.
I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to sit back and reflect about just HOW MUCH I loved being in remission, etc. So now, on the eve of the unknown I’m not going to wow you with wit or wisdom.
I’m scared. Hoping and praying. And fully prepared for the “Even if.” Well as prepared as I can ever be. It is a delicate balance to hold hope and reality in both hands.
Especially when (before you know it), another year has gone by.
Redeeming the time...the best I know how.
How “funny” is it that this year: I’m at home, wrapped up, throwing up, and on the eve of my lung biopsy.
To catch you up quickly—July came, and with it my yearly trip to the dr. (Oncologist.)
While there, he said everything looked good but that my tumor markers were elevated. This led to more testing, several other scans, other drs, and now last week, was the final test to be done on my lungs to monitor spots they felt were “benign.”
In short—they’ve grown—not substantially, but enough that now they’re getting “excited.”
Coupled that with the news that my tumor marker went from 22, up to 84, and then 95....and stabilized there but this time—came back at 156.
Oh crap.
In the words of my Oncologist, “at least they’re not in the 1,000’s!” Yes, there’s that. Always that.
I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to sit back and reflect about just HOW MUCH I loved being in remission, etc. So now, on the eve of the unknown I’m not going to wow you with wit or wisdom.
I’m scared. Hoping and praying. And fully prepared for the “Even if.” Well as prepared as I can ever be. It is a delicate balance to hold hope and reality in both hands.
Especially when (before you know it), another year has gone by.
Redeeming the time...the best I know how.
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