Reflecting......

 I wanted to share a snippet of what I am writing in my book. So, here goes...
{Over Thanksgiving of last year, I made a really big decision. It was a monumental one for me. I decided to let go of all the fears about Cade, Aaron and myself that I had been harboring in my heart for years. I determined to fly. To live and love like never before. So, I did. I let go.

A week and a half later I recieved my cancer diagnosis. Though tempted to believe that it was some ill will of Satan or God, or even "my fears" come to life, I have since reflected back on that time to see that is WAS the Lord, but He wasn't angry. He was telling me "Ok, now you are ready....let's LIVE, my girl. Let's Fly."

He taught me how to love myself through being bald and breast-less over this past year. And symbolically, I am now seeing Him through the "reconstruction" phase. He is tearing down the old lies that I once believed about Him and myself, all the while replacing them with rock solid truths. A foundation of truth. Truths that will last far longer that the "30 year guarantee" that I am given with my "prosthetics". =)

This process hurts, people. The inward struggle AND the outward change.

It isn't easy, nor has it been.

Wanna know something?

When I went into surgery this last time, I didn't see a butterfly. Not one. You know why? I believe that I finally graduated off my "training wheels" of faith, and simply put my trust in Him. He was testing me. A test not meant for me to fail, but because He believed I was ready.

A test of not believing in the butterfly but a test of absolute trust in the One who made it.....

Now, when I look at my chest and see the scars, I pray I will always remember. Use it as a roadmap of sorts of where I have been and where I am going. More importantly, that I will always glorify God in this, because this is HIS work, not my own.

He remains Faithful even when we are faithless.}

I love Him more because of it!

Reflecting on this season of my life has shown me.....that I have truly... begun to live.

Update....

Hey Ya'll,

Thought I would drop a few lines this morning.

Went for my one day post-op appointment and things look great. No infection thus far. I get to keep my pressure wrap until next week when I see my surgeon again.

The physician I saw yesterday gave me some new pain pills. Stronger, more effective.  It allowed my chest muscles to relax instead of being in a state of complete tenseness all the time.

True but sick story....I had my port-a-cath taken out as well which left a "pocket" in it's place. Yesterday I heard something "slosh"....yep, you guessed it...the pocket is full of fluid which will eventually redistribute, but talk about GROSS!!!! Of you touch the area with your finger,  you can hear it "squish" around. Makes me nauseous talking about it.

I am sure it did the same for you....so I will go for now.

There is never a dull moment. Guess it just keeps me kicking.

Talk to you later.

Good Morning (early) .....

I am home and resting, and now up and waiting for a pain pill.
Surgery went well. I came home without drains, so that was wonderful. I do have a pressure wrap and let me just say PRESSURE  has a new meaning.

My ribs and muscles are not feeling so hot. I don't quite remember a surgery this painful. I have had 4 over this past year, but this one takes the cake as far as pain goes. Mercy!

Not trying to be a whiner, but I have new respect for pain. Just breathing hurts sometimes, and shortly after dinner I got the hiccups. (Short expletive)

I am incredibly thankful to the friends who have brought us meals, to Melissa for driving Cade all this week. And for Cade's sweet little friend Addison (Melissa's daughter)...at recess he told me he just started crying and went and laid on the teachers lap over on the couch against the wall. As he was laying down he said, "Mom, Addi never left my side. She just wanted to make me feel better and make sure I was OK."

The sweet and simple ways we can learn to love, lived out in a selfless act of a child.

Or a husband.

Aaron has tirelessly helped me, while being down with a Sinus Infection himself. Love that man!

All that + me = one blessed and humbled girl!

Well, the words are getting foggy. Headed off to get my med....until next time....sleep well, my friends.

Lego's and Such....

Cade wanted to share with you "his" lego creations...

Yesterday was an off day for school so we pulled out the Lego's and here is what we made:

They were so much fun! I didn't like finding the missing parts in the carpet with my feet, but such is life, right?

Thursday was my appointment. All my scans and x-rays came back clear/clean. My blood work was good and he was not concerned about the 2 pt rise. He said that they DO jump

around a bit. Next time (in June) he will watch things a little more, as that is my "Remission" date. The Dr starts counting from the date you finish chemo.

He came in and said, "Well, Erin, you are officially in Menopause...how does it feel?"

Wonderful words at 31+....=)

As long as I am in remission, I will take it!

I am on some meds that I will have to take for 5 years. Bone Scans and x-rays every 6 months, and also a Bone Density Scan as well, to check for brittle bones (in short).

I have to laugh at my little pill box of supplements and meds....no offense Grandma.

Surgery is Monday AM @ 7:30. Prayers would be appreciated as this is the most painful of the 2-3 in this series. They have to separate the muscle from the bone....and yeah, I just tuned out from there.

Don't know, and don't care at this point. I told him to spare me the details but do a good job.

I know he appreciated that! =)

The weather is AMAZING! 70's here all week, up to 80 by mid-week!!! Love it!

Aaron and I are putting up more trim in our basement. Can't wait to show you the finished project. It is really coming along well.

Looking forward to a weekend full of fun and R & R.

Will let you know how things go sometime next week.

I am getting in my "zone" mode....It's just my way of coping, I guess.

I tend to get tunnel vision and the "let's get this over with" mentality prior to surgery.

If I seem a little distant or short when we talk- it isn't you...I'm just getting my game on.

Until next week, Have a great weekend!

Blessings!

Happy Birthday, Adam!!!

Wishing my Oldest Younger Brother a

Happy 30th Birthday!!!

(For some reason he is the only one not smiling.)

Adam, we love you and think you are the best!

Be brilliant this year, like every year!

Love,

Aaron, Erin and Cade

Flu, Fears and Frustrations....

I cannot complain...the last time Cade had the stomach flu was when he was 2. I'd say a 3 1/2 year hiatus is pretty good. But the flu is still completely disgusting....poor little guy. He was non-stop for one whole night and finally stopped about noon on Sunday. Thank the Lord. I kept him home due to a low grade fever he had spring up in the afternoon.

SO....that meant that he tagged along with me on Monday.

My mother in love thought that she had an eye appointment, so we bundled up and went on our way only to find out that it was actually scheduled for today, the 6th. Oops. Since we were out and about we stopped to get groceries; Cade with Nana, and I was by myself. As he sees me about 3 isles over he yells through the store, "MOM!!! Do you think I am dehydrated after all that puking? It's a good thing I don't have the RUNNNSS anymore."

I thought it was coincidence that Nana quickly was suddenly finished and decided Cade should go walk beside his mom.

Surgery is Monday. Have I ever mentioned how much I DISLIKE having to keep doing these things? Talk about frustrating...all the appointments, check-ups, not to mention pain and limitations that rearrange my carefully planned "routine". Oh, well. I am getting over it. Tomorrow.

My blood work came back pretty good. My tumor marker came up two points. I'm a little concerned about that, but I see my Oncologist on Thursday. The nurses seemed unconcerned, saying that it is totally normal for your levels and numbers to bounce around a couple points. I am learning to take my Que from them.

This week as preparations are being made, I have been realizing just how blessed we really are. Thankful for family and friends to care for us; thankful for good insurance; thankful for wonderful doctors. What more could a girl ask for?

I have been saving up my "Instant Que" on Netflix. I become a TV junkie in rehab. My husband surrenders the remote for at least until my pain med kicks in and I am in a peaceful slumber. I don't mind because he has fought his own demons throughout the course of this journey.

I heard someone say an old saying just yesterday, "If it doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger." So true, except with Jesus, death becomes perfection- right? No more tears, sorrow? Perfect and whole bodies? Life with Jesus in eternity....that is what is perfect. Now about the stronger part, these things are huge that test our faith. No matter what is in the "blank", we DO become stronger. Just not always better. To be honest, most days I feel like I am doing the best I can. You know, 3 steps forward- 2 back. Or 3. But, there is progress, albeit slow. For that, I am thankful.

I am determined to choose joy today. Admission is the first step to recovery right? Sometimes I just don't feel too joyful and honestly wish that the Lord would "pick on" somebody else. No, that isn't true. He doesn't pick on us, He just loves us. Loves us enought to not leave us where we are at. Remembering that sorrow and pain were not in His original plan allows me to take my eyes off myself and just see Jesus.

Have you ever watched "7 Days In Utopia"? If you haven't, you should. It's on instant watch via NetFlix. If for no other reason than to have a great reminder to "See His face, Feel His Presence, and Trust His Heart."

I love that about the Lord...He shows up in the most unusal ways to show us He is near. To prove His love. When I get right down to it, it amazes me that He goes to such great lengths to show us. 2 Timothy 2:13 says that, "If we are faithless, He remains faithful; He cannot deny Himself." (NKJ)

Whether it is Eternity, Utopia, Surgery, or _______ that you are struggling over today, may we never forget.

He is faithful.

To you.

To me.

Always.

PS: I needed that "PRAISE JESUS!" moment today.
Have a blessed day!

Playing Catch-Up....

Sooooo....

It wasn't that I didn't think about writing, just couldn't find the time until now.

I wish we could sit and enjoy a cup of coffee or tea together....that way I could hear from you and what all is going on in your world. Play catch-up. Really, I live a pretty boring life that has a bit of the strange and unusual mixed in, but then again, I am not telling you anything "new"- you already knew that didn't you?

Either way, I would love to hear your thoughts about life, love, hope, faith, and other mysteries instead of hearing the gentle hum of the computer for a voice and the bright background of a screen for a face while I sit here and type away sipping on my morning coffee with my peppermint creamer- yum-mo!

Re-testing was this week. They put you through the drills for it. Sorta like a boot camp. Sit, poke, ouch, lay down, drink this, stand still, hold your breath, repeat....you get the picture. Results will come next week for all of the x-rays and scans. I didn't panic this time, just had a couple of flashbacks that brought tears to my eyes, and ran into the Radiologist who told me I had cancer in the first place. Strange, I realized yesterday I don't like people going with me to these things because I just don't like to talk during it. I am not one for just talking to fill in space, but rarely am I not visiting with people to learn more about them. During moments like these, I find that I like the quiet, the peace; all the while adopting the "lets just hurry up and get this over with" mentality. I am probably being a big baby about it, after all what is 4-5 hours every six months in comparison to those that are STILL there, or who are fighting big time stuff? Yep, I am getting over it...not camping here long.

I have been reading through the Bible in a year. The past two mornings (due to appts) I have had to skip my daily reading, and now I am trying to catch up with that today also.

We have had some fun and extremely exciting things happen, that I am not at liberty to share yet, but I will...pinky promise.

With surgery fast approaching, I am hurrying with Spring cleaning, and simple things around the house as I will be down for another week. This is the first of the 2 or 3 surgeries for this year in relation to reconstruction....should be done by the end of this year.......wooohooo!!!!

I am finding that many folks'  life is like ours....everything happens quickly, often, or fast- however you look at it, and the rest of our life is spent just trying to hang on and play catch up, at least it feels like that. I am so glad that the Lord has use for people like us, aren't you?

As I finish playing catch-up with cleaning, chatting, reading and more today, I will be thinking of you and praying for you friends. I wish you a world full of wonderful and that the sun is shining on you today. May you be richly blessed beyond what you can imagine in ways that are beyond comparison. Until next time, I'll be playing catch-up....