Good morning!

I sit with my coffee in hand. Inhaling the carmel machiatto aroma that permeates the early morning hours.

As I sit, I'm listening. Pondering the actions of recent days. My own and more often than not- those of others. As the morning dawns I am filled with wonder at the creation of this beautiful and yet scandelous world.

Yes, it was a deliberate action that THE Lord took to bring this into being. Much like the actions of an individual who took things out of being. Sandy Hook. Tears fall as I think about it. Oh how I wish I could be there to comfort those who mourn. I would sit. Hug. Hold. Cry. What more could I do? Nothing. Nada.

What grief they bear. Sadness. A heaviness that reminds us this world is not our home. This beautiful created world that grows darker by the day. Where the silver lining is more and more difficult to see as the very days we live in dim in the light of eternity. Oh, what a day that will be! A day where there will be no more sorrow. The parents hearts will be healed. Whole. All things broken will be made new. His word tells us SOON.

This holiday season has been the hardest one yet. Ambiguous feelings. I have cried, fought, and dealt with my anger over many things. My self-esteem, at an inch tall is at an all time high for the recent years. Not much, but oh the precious miles that have been traveled to get to this point. I am thankful. So much so, that I can hardly breathe at times.

Today is my last visit with my plastic surgeon except for my yearly rechecks. I was released earlier this week from my Radiation Oncologists care. Yes, I am getting better. I am finally getting to say goodbye to several doctors. At least from the monthly basis, now to a managable yearly visit.

As I read Isaiah 52-56, I found some nuggets of truth that lifted my head. I hope they do the same to yours!
Here is my shorthand version:

Wake up! And free yourselves from the chains that hold you captive that are wrapped around your neck! You have beautiful feet who tell the good news of the gospel. Proclaiming peace and good tidings! Yes, OUR GOD REIGNS!

SING. Worship.

Come away from the things that set you back. From any sin that holds you fast. God...He is our rear guard.

He too was disfigured. Beyond human recognition. But it is He who will reach the nations. He was rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. (Oh, how we need such a tender, personal, "knowing" God.)

SING. And Worship!

Those who do not, cannot have children. Sing! Open wide your doors. He has use for you!!! A purpose. The HOLY One Of Israel is your Redeemer.

Oh how this world needs a Savior. He can relate. He IS the silver lining that this world needs. It is not of our own strength. He is the God who knows the "WHY?" The Emmanuel that holds those that mourn. The Prince of Peace that defends and acts as a rear guard. Our Redeemer.

The twinkling lights seem to dance in the early hours of morning. Almost as if they hold a secret. They do. We can know it too. When we fall on our knees and hear the voice of the One who is calling. Come, let us adore Him. Worship Him. The elders and the angels are singing it night and day. Around His throne. Christmas time is almost like a glimpse of what it is like as the world sings.

Nothing shakes Him from His throne. He alone is worthy. Yes, He is coming back. For now, that is all we need to know. It is like a constant waiting for Christmas morning. That gift that no one can guess, but that we will all adore.

Being the last page of a book sort of reader I will tell you this....HE WINS.

May this holiday season restore in you the HOPE of glory. Yes...OUR GOD REIGNS. Even now, He stands ready. Patient. Not wanting anyone to perish. But all to see that indeed this baby wrapped in a manger is the hope-the silver lining- for this world.

Remember, Return, Behold....

We are loving the 60's all this week. Just about perfect weather! Marshmallow and Hotdog roasts over open fires and the smell of the wood smoke in the air just shouts of falls arrival. We have finally embraced the fall-like weather after a dry and long summer of heat.

Fall is another one of my favorite times of year. This year I ordered multiple trees. Hopefully they will arrive prior to our leaving next week for our Thanksgiving plans, but such is life. They will live. I hope. =)
I went with fruit trees. The type that usually do really well around our area. Apple, Pears, Peaches, a grape vine, and a Kiwi. How fun! I think there was a cherry tree as well, but we'll see. My short term memory is on a leash this morning...

I sat last week and last evening with a family in the hospital ICU waiting room. Their loved one is passing. So young. So needless. Letting go is never easy. I grieve for them. With them. My heart aches to watch the light from their eyes dim that much more as a part of them comes face to face with the realities of death. Sin. Suffering. This side of Eden. I was reminded that it was me there also...just two years ago now. Not in quite the same way, but facing the same things. Struggle. Heartache. Disappointment.

As I cried myself to sleep last night I realized that as I fought day after day thru cancer, I had high hopes that at some point when "all this passed" that I could just throw it over my shoulder as if I was done. Hoping that all the bad would go and the good would stay. It didn't and left me disappointed, but even more Thankful this year.

Joining in a study on Marriage last evening at chruch, I was caught off guard each time we read scripture with the words like "remember", "return", "behold". All three doing something of action. Sometimes forced. My daily reading was no different. Over and over, I kept looking for the one thing I thought the scriptures were saying, encouraging, telling them to look at. And then I closed my eyes and I started to remember.

That was it. The word REMEMBER. For me. For them. Perhaps for you. REMEMBER. RETURN. BEHOLD.

As I put up my Christmas tree, I stopped. Cade was at school. Aaron at work. I paused as I took a deep breath and I remembered the exact place I put my tree two years ago. What I wore, what I was listening to, and the smell. Kind of smothered out Cinnamon. Glitter. Dust. Memories. Thoughts. The fragile ornaments. The manger. And it happened again....REMEMBER...sort of like a whisper this time, but clear. RETURN. BEHOLD.

My tree is full of butterflies. Many of you so graciously gave to me and mine a butterfly memory and we have turned our 9ft wonder into a garden of beauty with the winged reminders. Memories returning. Preparing to celebrate His glory as we behold another year of His birthday.

Again this morning I paused. Looking outside over the fields. I smelled our stinky goat Captain Patrick and smiled. Who in the world would have thought? Goats? Me??? Things sure have changed here on Walton's Mountain! (LOL @ R)

Thanksgiving is around the corner. Food, family, visiting, traveling, laughter, music, shopping. Oh the fun to be had! Yes, as early as I have my tree up, I have NOT forgotten Thanksgiving. Regardless if it becomes a forgotten holiday, in our household it will be celebrated as a prelude to Christmas. Perfect for our hearts preparation for worship. Thankfulness seems to always preceed a miracle. Not always what we expect. But heaven reaching our hearts as only He can.

This year my tethered memory is Thankful. Recalling every blessing I wanted to leave you with a few:

My family.
Time.
Healing.
Beauty.
Friends.
And most of all, Emmanuel- God with us. Always. Unchanging. Unshakable.

As I REMEMBER, RETURN and BEHOLD, My heart overflows....

Bits and Pieces...

Halloween is over and all that is left of it is our rotting pumpkin out on our front doorstep and the fake candy bits and pieces that have attached themselves to the bottom of Cade's bucket. (gross) We have attachment issues here...=) When you are six, letting go is hard to do....whether it is the pumpkin you worked so hard on or the last of the candy you walked and walked to get, that stuff is hard to part with.

We have had a wonderful couple of weeks!

We are gearing up to go to MS this Thanksgiving. We are SUPER excited to see our CA relatives and meet these wonderful guys that married my fabulous cousins! PLUS our entire family will be together. Each child of G'ma's along with their kids and spouses and children. Yes, that is ALL of us. YEAH!!!!! Life is so precious. I realized that when we were down there two years ago. We weren't all together, but I will let you in on a little secret...knowing that we had plans to ALL get together for 2012 kept me going through some dark times. Tears come just thinking of it. I love my family with a passion. I hate what Cancer has done to my body, but I LOVE what it has shown me about those I love. Yes, I am thankful this year. Oh so thankful.

Here is what we have been up to:

-Cade has 4 loose teeth. Attachment issues there as well, but we are working through it. Soon he will have no choice! =) He will add some teeth to his Christmas List this year.

-Aaron is doing a FABULOUS job at our church. We miss our old church dearly and love them so much, but are thankful that we have become established here and are starting to see more and more growth.

-I have finished the first leg of my book. It is now with the editors and I await revisions.

-My favorite pair of pants completely ripped out last week while I was trying to see what was out bothering my goat friends late one night. Aaron was in the truck providing security and lights while I checked each one. Out of nowhere this guy (who ended up being our neighbor) pops up out of the bush behind me and asks me if I have seen his horse. My embarrassment was complete when his mom came out in their truck through the field and turned her lights on as well. The said pants were past their prime and had to go. I'll let it pass that he mentioned me and his horse in the same sentence and just stick to the pants...never wear ripped pants anywhere. There is just no modest way out.....

-My restrictions are finally off! WOOOHOOO!!!! Lord willing this will be the last of them. I can finally find a normal and stick to it without another long and drawn out thing looming in my future.

-I completely blew off an appointment with my Radiation Onc. When  you have 6 Dr's you see on a fairly regular basis, that is easy to do. They just laughed...but guess what? It has already been ONE YEAR since I have seen  him last! *Fist pump*

-I have a job! Yes, a real job. I am no longer at the welcome window at school, but I come in later that day for 3 hours and teach PE. I loved it! Yesterday was my first day and let me tell you, I believe the kids are praying their old teacher returns! I had a total of 8 crying for various reasons and the oldest group were laid out on the floor waiting for dismissal. LOL! Perhaps from their perspective it wasn't so great, but I LOVED the kids. They were hysterical! I recieved an additional workout as well. 3 hours worth. When they ran, I ran. When they sat, I sat. The only thing I didn't help them with was team builders. They were great!

-Aaron's dad is recovering from Pneumonia. He was in the hospital for a week and we have seen him improve a bit since being home. It is difficult to see him like this. He is miserable, and there isn't a thing we can do for him. If you think about it, would you pray for him? He is coming up on his 6th yr anniversary of his stroke. This is always a bittersweet time for our family, but God is good. He has given us much. We look forward to celebrate another year! Praise You Jesus for being our Emmanuel...God with us!

I hope this finds you well. I know that this is just bits and pieces. I will have more to write soon. I have turned in my lesson plans for Nov. My worship team schedule and set lists are completed for Nov, and the schedule is done for the year. *sigh* Being a pastors wife is different, but good. Hard work, but so fulfilling. We are looking into the life of Jonah in our womens bible study. Taking just 6 verses at a time and trusting the Lord to reveal to us life lessons that will allow us to navigate the troubled waters of our life.

He will.

Always.

I promise....even when all we have to give Him,

Is the bits and pieces....

Tuesday Tidings....

The office is buzzing with busy workers...preparing for Grandparents day. Decorations, food, waters, napkins, table clothes, and each detail is getting crossed off the "to do" list.

I had the opportunity to pray with the "Mom's In Prayer" group that just started here at the school. Mrs. Secretary was kind enough to let me go. What a blessing. I had been involved in one last year, but this year I was helping out at the school on Tuesdays and therefore unable to continue since that was the continuing on the same day, different town.

Tomorrow I will be heading for my tests. They were coming up and due a while ago. It is always uncomfortable to start at a new office. Thankfully I have the same physician. As I visited with my Dr. it was a great reminder to me of what God is doing. It is so often too easy to distract myself away from things I dislike, or things I don't want to think about right now. This is one of them. Each time testing comes around I am learning something new. Sometimes I just get plain tired of that, you know? New this, New that....
I would appreciate your prayers as I have an ultrasound on my Right underarm for a "something" that no one knows what it is, but they are not concerned over. I just asked that we do some testing to check it out. Sleep is good people....I don't want to lose mine! =)

Yesterday we bid farewell to our loving church family at LBC. Remember my moaning about New this and New that? Well, there is more of it here too! Loving the free fall of loving the Lord, but uncomfortable with the changes and the unknown. The out of place feelings that invariably come with such change.

God is good and with each changing season both physically and spiritually, we can see that God is everywhere, and still in control of everything. Thank you Lord. The trees? Yes, they are changing. Sort of like the flowers and colors of spring only higher up and able to share all that the Lord has been working in them thru the drought, storms, and now the changes. He is faithful. And He will be with us.

At Last.....

Tuesday at the window is awesome as usual. NO tardies so far...My little world in this ten foot squared-windowed room is rolling along well.

I have mentioned and mentioned big changes. Well, today I get to share...

As of October 14th Aaron will be the pastor of a Bible Church in our town. Whew! It's out. Off my chest! *sigh*
We have kept quiet about this for a number of reasons, namely because we didn't want it to get out that we were "looking" for something. We were NOT.  This opportunity came out of no where. The Lord sort of dumped the apple cart over- so to speak and after seeking counsel, many prayer filled (sleepless) nights, we realized that two years ago we had laid our yes on the table to serve the Lord. Aaron started seminary, and we stayed open to what the Lord would do. So, how could we say no? Unless of course we knew He was closing the door for us, but He didn't and now we are going and are very excited. Peaceful. Open.

We are sad too.

We LOVE our church. We LOVE our friends there and we LOVE the ministries we are involved in. It is painful in many ways, but obedience is never easy, nor is it easily understood by others. Aaron has been the worship leader for 20 years, myself for 8 at our home church. This is not just some "easy" button decision. Oh I wish it were!!! I will be the worship leader. Hopefully recruiting more than just me to form a team.

We have felt the love and support from many. And we Thank you! Your prayers for continued support would be coveted. We love you guys.

Now you could see why having two foster kids would be overwhelming! I can see it now too! =)

Believe me, during the question and answer time we tried to be as honest and forthright as possible. I did however forget to mention that I like ketchup on my eggs and believe it should be its own food group. I hope they don't mind. I don't think it is a salvation issue unless there are ketchup haters, but that is the Lords to judge. No one should hate. Just saying.

As for the questions about being equipped? Good one! Life has been our greatest teacher. We are relying heavily on the quote we heard one time that "He doesn't call the equipped. He equips the called." 

Our hearts are heavy as this week we will say goodbye to our home church, but at the same time are rejoicing in the blessing of serving still. Being used and hopefully strengthened in Jesus.

Take care for now...I will be writing again soon. Hopefully a little more once my book is done on my end. (End of Oct. is my deadline) Life with the Lord is a wild ride. I am learning to just throw my hands up and enjoy the ride at last....Even if there are some Ketchup haters out there.

Wednesday ponderings....

We are doing well. I am resting. Sore, yet this time was a breeze compared to the last. Almost forget I had surgery- "almost". Tomorrow is my one week check up. Woohoo!

Whew! Seems like so much has happened since our last visit. And there has been much. Too much to fit in this blog so you'll just have to check back in sometime soon! =) At present, we are finishing up our "goat shed" for my girls. LOL! It is a riot and something we enjoy doing! I mainly hand Aaron the tools and keep the "silence level" to a minimum. I know he appreciates it!

Cade is doing well with Soccer and School. Loves them both, but would rather read than kick a soccer ball. Such is life. I have decided I will not push him. He will love what he loves because that is what the Lord made him to do. He is developing quite the sense of humor. A couple of weeks ago he began asking questions about false teeth. (?) I made the mistake of sharing a story about one of my grandmothers when I was growing up and now he thinks it is hysterical to retell. (I am truly sorry G'ma). It is a rather funny story, but to have him tell it, well he takes the cake! He gets that from his father..."ahem".

Speaking of Aaron, he has had so much happening in his life right now. Recently we were asked about taking on two foster kiddos. 3 years old and 6 months. We made the decision today not to do this based on the bulk of what we have going on (more later). It would be too much. There would be mounds of paperwork to bring us out of retirement from the state system, classes to bring everything up to date and there would be a strong possibility of them having to return home. I just don't think this little heart of mine could take that. I was sad, disappointed, but not willing to dishonor my man in this. He is the head and I respect him for it. Its a big job. I would probably have 16 children, no home and a heap of trouble if I would let myself decide things. Just because I have a heart the size of Texas doesn't mean I have to neglect what the Lord tells me to do, and in this case it was to listen. So we continue to listen and learn. I am choosing to be content in that. In today and all we have.

The rains keep coming around here. Making up for the loss during the summer. I LOVE this time of year. Beauty and color everywhere! Almost like a party.

My day today is filled with paying bills, dishes, laundry, writing, reading and study. I know, it's pretty exciting stuff, but I can handle it. ;)

Devotions this morning were on listening. (Go figure!) When Jesus cried out from the cross "It is finished!" the temple curtain that once separated us from Christ was torn in two. Allowing us to bypass a mediator and stand in the presence of The Most High King; you and I speaking to royalty and you know what? He hears. And when He talks to us He asks us to listen. He doesn't command. He asks. Calls. This is a spiritual discipline that I am learning and working through. To listen to His voice.

My blog catch-up day was yesterday, but somehow it was missed in the shuffle of lunch menus and Ibuprofen.

It was good to chat, but my work calls me on. And with my newly typed admission, I must do as I said above... and listen.

Mustard Seed Faith

I sit here this morning at peace.

My coffee still giving off its good morning goodness that I have come to depend on. We're old friends. Decaf or not....I have no enemies where coffee is concerned.

Bills paid, laundry done, house cleaned from top to bottom, dishwasher going, my man off to work and it's 3:39am as I write this. I woke up at 1am unable to go back to sleep. My pre-surgery routine has begun with my powerhouse energy.

Isn't it funny how just yesterday started off so differently?

In short, I slept through my workout alarm, awoke to my workout buddy pounding on my door checking on me...it was a first and hopefully no repeats. However, she took pity on me (or was terrified by my morning "Medusa" looking hair) and told me to go back to bed. I promptly obeyed only to oversleep my back up alarm, waking up Cade and I for school. We had minutes to get ready and I had yet to put out my girls (goats), shower, and wake up my boy. Wow. Did I mention it was my turn to drive carpool?

Whoever thought jeans and heels were a good idea would have had second thoughts after seeing me yesterday. I filled in for the secretary at the school until noon. Stairs, heels, plus me is not a good combo. Suffice it to say that my sore pride ankle allowed some movement and I made it through the cough drops, band aids, Tums, phone calls and tardy slips. Mrs. Simmons...You deserve a medal AND a vacation.

After stopping off and picking up my new Scentsy pot (LOVE) I stopped in to see some sweet friends and their darling little baby. What a blessing to hold such innocence! Her soft little downy cheeks were like seeing the tender side of God in the flesh.

On the ground level of the hospital, I was almost to the door when I decided to stop in and see my nurse/hero friends at the cancer center. I am so glad I did. Those ladies continue to bless me even today...So thankful.

Three different times today I was approached about adoption. Had we? Were we? What are we? I don't know. However, after my day today, I was once again reminded to live in the moment of today. Embracing all that I  have right in front of me. If & when the Lord decides to give me another child to fill my arms, I am honored to care for His. Each and every person I saw today is precious, loved and totally cherished by the Lord. His children....needing that tender loving care, hug, listening ear, shoulder to cry on, arms to lift them up. What a blessing to be called to such a purpose. I am honored and humbled, Lord. Truly.

While mowing in the late evening hours, I had exactly 45 min to pray and think about the day. 45 min to race the neighbor guy mowing his yard. I knew he would want me to win. 45 min of uninterrupted time to feel the cold in the air, smell the gas tinged aroma mixed with the fresh green all around me.

Yes, I am at peace.

Nervous about tomorrow? Yes, but at peace.

This is a milestone for me. A big one. No one told me it would be almost two years later that I would approach the end of what has been a beautifully scandalous journey.

My heart beats stronger.

My faith has been tested and tried. Yielded and growing.

My body is healing.

My soul has found its rest beside the still waters of peace. Beyond my understanding my Shepherd stands close by. Watching and waiting. Loving and protecting. He has plans for this girl. Not sure (exactly) everything He has, but learning to enjoy the little of this and that...that He blesses me with every day.

Lord, may I be found worthy.

Thank you in advance for your thoughts and prayers. Surgery is at 7:30am. My surgeon is Dr. "H". I will be resting a bit. Much less than previous surgeries. My 6th and LAST of the last two years....and hopefully for my life as the Lord moves me forward.

Yes, this girl will be resting and enjoying it, for when she wakes, she will be ready to move mountains. Offering up everything I have with my mustard seed faith....in Jesus.