Bad Day.....

Today was officially classified as a "bad day." To some, this may be nothing. For me....I was simply just trying to breathe and count the minutes to where I could be alone and scream, cry, and yes...have a "moment." Sound crazy? You bet it was....it feels like that every time it happens. Only, you never know when it is going to happen.

7:20am. My radiation oncologist calls and the machine is down. That is OK except for the fact that my whole day is interrupted b/c they don't want me to skip so I am placed "on call" so as soon as it is fixed I can just hurry in and be treated and go on my way. *sigh* and another one....*sigh*

While sitting in the cancer center across the hall from the Radiation Clinic, I am waiting for a port flush. Most of the time it is in and out for these....and since I had carefully rearranged my day, I didn't have time to spare. So, after waiting for 1 hour just to get to a chair and having the receptionist break down b/c her daughter is having family problems, I was a little on edge. My schedule was messed up, my nerves were about shot and the gal who did my port flush poked me HARD in the shoulder, all the while discussing the fact that they were seeing some patient for the SECOND time b/c cancer had come back. Don't get me wrong. It isn't that I don't care for people, but when your "bad day" comes, everything just seems like TOO MUCH.

I just wanted to go home. Go to bed, close my eyes and pretend for just this second that this is really not my life, but just a bad dream. I cry all the way home, frustrated and mad at cancer, not just for me but for everyone who has it. As soon as I am home I get a call....yes- it is the Radiation Clinic- their machine is up again and it is time for me to come in. I sure hope it is "fixed"...don't want any mistakes on that bad boy....makes me nervous just thinking about it. *sigh*

While waiting for my turn I meet "Sue", stage 3 breast cancer patient who is struggling with the inability to grow hair. She asks me about my hair and I tell her mine is like a "CHIA Pet", you just add water and it grows. We laugh some more about anything other than cancer and then it is time for my treatment. Everything goes well, and while walking back to my locker I run into my buddy "Ed" who looks like Papa Smurf. Seriously. He is end stage Prostate Cancer, doing radiation just to ease the pain. The hollow look in his eyes is difficult to see. But I look b/c I know the loneliness that comes with having cancer. I don't blame people- I probably wouldn't deal with it either if I didn't have to. My heart breaks for "Ed". The stories he could tell me about his life. I don't want him to feel alone during this time. I smile and wish him a good day. He and I are modeling the same attractive gown....you know, the kind that feel like a starched sheet, smell like bleach and burned rubber, and tie in 17 different places and still leave you feeling like you are playing peek-a-boo with the world. Yes, they are H.O.T.!

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful....but left me feeling tired. Depressed, you might ask? No, just sad today. Frustrated by Statistics, numbers and cancer.
I know....it is heavy. I simply hate it sometimes. These days are aweful to say the least. I don't like thinking about all of this stuff....but for those of you who have asked....yes- I have bad days. Today was one of them....but like "Annie" says, "When I'm stuck with a day that's gray and lonely, I just stick out my chin and grin and say, Oh.....the sun will come out tomorrow, so you 'gotta hang on till tomorrow......tomorrow, tomorrow I love ya, tomorrow you're only a day away!" Great.....that tune will be stuck there all night! Where that came from, I will never know!

I am thankful for tomorrow....it makes my day seem better already because unless the Lord comes, tomorrow will dawn bright and clear. It will be a whole new, wonderful, and amazing day. *sigh......=)* I am thankful for today....because it makes me grateful for all I have been given. I appreciate you lending me your "ear". It feels better just to have the burden lightened. There is so much to this life....even in the bad days.....