Disguise....

I have always said that the Lord has a sense of humor. If He didn't have one, He certainly would have NEVER created humans! We are funny creatures, in more way than one.

Yesterday morning, I was reading through the Psalms. Specifically Psalms 62 and 63. There were two verses in particular that caught my attention. They sort of jumped out at me and I began pondering them...

The first one was Psalms 62:7 "My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge."

Some notes I had written in the margin said: "not from anyone else, or our own opinion...." I had to stop and rethink about that. So often we base our salvation on our works, talents, opinions, all the while forgetting that we did NOTHING to get it. Our honor isn't based on ourselves either. It is the transforming work of the Holy Spirit. It isn't about us, but about what God is doing.

I wrestled with that. Don't misunderstand.....we all do this, but when I reached the conclusion that this life is all about what God is doing, I was properly chastized.

Most of us live our whole lives convinced that we are doing the right thing, especially when it "feels right". Our feelings/emotions can be dangerous to our decision making process. They often times lead us apart from what the WILL of God is. If we are not immersed in His word and familiar with it, then loose translations can become our guide instead of context, and actual meaning.

On the heels of that verse, the next one jumped out at me....Psalms 63:3 "Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you."

It seems everywhere we look, people are fighting-with life. Glad, thankful, happy, sad, disillusioned, angry. All of these things that manifest themselves during different seasons of our life are....emotions. The danger in the first three, is the ability to forget where we came from. The pain and the suffering we have endured, or worse yet....the misconception that since we haven't endured much pain and suffering in our lives that we are immune to it, or we must have done something right- that others just "don't get" and we fail to be compassionate, loving, Christ-like servants that scripture call us to.

The obvious danger in the last three emotions listed is that we often base our view of God and others off these same emotions instead of looking at the nature of the Lord, the blessing we get wether our lips glorify him or not, and we most certainly forget that we are NOT here for us. Not created to have everything perfect in our lives. When hardship comes, it is difficult to praise, because we are face to face with reality....and to quote from a favorite play by my good friend Raelene...."Reality stinks!" Our inability to live in the here and now with reality all around us which includes hurting people, often times finds us wearing disguises. In short- we never become who we were meant to be. Whether we have believed emotions or another lie, we often become short sighted by our pain, or perhaps even our joys, and we miss the blessing of both.

Laura Story has a song out in which she paints a raw and vivid picture of just that. Disguise, only it isn't ourselves. It is the blessings of the Lord in the heartaches of this life. I have wrestled with this one.

I love to sing as many of you know and I was prepared to sing this song, when I realized that I cannot sing something that I don't understand. Every word out of our mouths is something that we will be accountable, and for me to have gone up and performed this song, would have been just that- a performance. The Lord was dealing with me in many ways about this song....

Allow me to be vulnerable a minute-

In the past 7 years, since Aaron and I were married, there has been blessing upon blessing, but also our fair share of heartache as well.
-Aarons dad (David) had a paralyzing stroke in '05, and requires constant care thru a hired nurse or family for every need he has, still to this day...
-The same year, we lost Aaron's two uncles (David's brothers) within two months of each other, though we didn't know them closely, the estates were left to Aaron's mom and his remaining aunt, still unresolved (for various reasons).
-I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer this very week last year and am in remission.
-Aaron is still waiting for his own results from his thyroid Ultrasound (will be redone this friday).
-Aaron's brother had a bout with cancer himself along with other struggles he has endured.
-Tomorrow we go to the Oncologist for Dave (Aaron's Dad). They think he has bone cancer or something going on. Specifics to come. Prayers are appreciated.

I would love to stick my head in the sand. I am tired of carrying unresolved issues of health and family drama that never end. I struggle with anger when I see others have it "easy". I often get mad when someone makes a comment about how we are handling this, or places a judgement on issues and ground where they have never walked. Burdens get heavy. Time seems to span eternity...often. Unfairness screams at every turn, every diagnosis, and at every time I hear of something else. My plate is full, as is so many others. The burden is as heavy to the one holding it up as yours is to you. Let me ask you this....how would you handle this? How would you respond to more dissappoinment? Judgement? Being Ostrasized by friends because you are too much?

So often we can "get away" from these things. However, only if they belong to someone else. I have come to see with clarity, the suffering of those with long-term illness. Of having a handicapped/disabled child. Of having to bear the consequences of someone else in your family because they cannot get it together themselves. But I have also learned to find peace.

Peace in the circumstances that will one day change, but that day is long in coming. Peace in the dispair and diappointment of others. The first verse I mentioned focuses in clearly now.....He is my mighty rock, my refuge; and my salvation and honor depend on God alone. Thank you Lord! If it depended on me, you know where I would be right now. Lost.

Forgive me for not having the right kind of things to say. For not being there when you have needed me as a friend. For handling myself poorly. At times I am overwhelmed. So many of us are. Could that be where the enemy tries to do his worst? In the power of offense? It often works because we run on emotions far too often instead of running to Jesus, our fortress.

What would the world look like if we recognized that others have burdens too....sometimes bigger than ours? What if we were quick to forgive someones bad behavior instead of living like we were incapable of doing the same thing ourselves?

It is in the humble admission that we see clearly and find peace. We cannot do "life" on our own. It is often in our greatest disappointments...that we see the aching of our hearts.....revealing a greater thrirst this world can't satisfy. "....your love is better than life."

The world is hurting. Christians are hurting. It is time to take off the disguise and live in the reality that without knowing the healing love of Jesus, some will face eternity in hell. That without embracing that healing love of Jesus ourselves, we will live a defeated, bitter, and angry life.  If that doesn't stir you to action or even a desire to see this change, you may have more than just one disguise.....

I will sing this song one day, but for now, I am humbled and thankful. So much so that it forms a solid lump in the back of my throat. My healing is coming through tears, and it wasn't a thousand sleepless nights, just a few hundred....but I know one thing-He is REAL and He is NEAR. And He is coming back soon. I want to be whole again. Physically, Spiritually and Mentally....so when He comes back and I see Him I can say, "yes, Lord....I saw your blessings. I saw you in my pain and learned that you and only you are more than enough. I wanted healing, so you refused to give me lesser things, and you gave me only the things that would allow me to at last take off my disguise and see You and to see me for who I really am...both the good and the bad."