I used to be a very fearful person. Still working on that. A lot of people- myself included- felt that I had good reason to be with the various roads my life has taken this far. Since I knew this about myself, I just sort of took things for granted and excused this sin in my life- and yes, I mean sin- and continued to be a "good" Christian. We all have the makings of being a "great" one- if there is such a thing. Faithful is a better word I think.
This past week, I was reading scripture and it came to mind over and over....."Be anxious for nothing..."
"Do not worry....." "Fear not...." These are just a few commands that I read over and suddenly I realized something. I had characterized my life so closely to look like fear, that when something really fearful is staring me in the eye, I had to repent of this to the Lord. I didn't like what I saw, not because I was concerned with what others thought about me, but my life, when laid out next to scripture was found lacking. I came up short, dreadfully short. We serve a forgiving God. He forgives even before we ask, but the reason we still need to ask is so that our prideful hearts will be humbled enough and in position for His unmerited favor- that's grace people! And so that the relationship will be restored- nothing in between- to where He desires it to be so.
I, in NO way, feel that this situation is in any way "because" of my sin. There are times when the Lord allows things in our lives to bring us to the point of forgiveness, and even to strengthen our faith. Take for instance a young tree. Did you know that the tree is just as large underground, as it is above? Do you know what makes the roots grow? The WIND. The force against it. Pressure. Trial. The weak trees break. The strong trees fight against the wind and the roots grow down deep. This is so parallel to our lives in Christ. When trials come, yes- I want to give up. I want to break in two. It feels as if I am and you begin to doubt....but, when you realize that He has brought you through before, or though a fierce wind and it/you didn't break-there is your hope. Rooted in Christ Jesus. Sometimes when a tree has been wind whipped so much, it can start to grow in a bend fashion- not as it was intended. It is those times when the Master Gardener will come and put a stake into the ground and tie the bent branch to it. It is that trees job at that point to grow straight. Resting in the arms of the "string". So, when the winds of fears and doubts subside for a time, you know that you know that you know- God IS good. He will NEVER leave you. With Him NOTHING is impossible. Though no one but the Master Gardener can tell- you are living and learning...
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
Finding Peace.....
Well, we don't have much for an update except that I have a Biopsy on Tuesday and results should be on Friday. Lots of things to think about. All the "if" scenarios. They found a new spot that will be tested as well. I cannot say that I was thrilled with that, but I am thankful that they caught it.
I am learning to find peace. Bit by bit. Surprisingly it comes in the most random places. For example, when someone who never prays, tells me they picked up a Bible and read a verse and while they thought of me they prayed. Or a little girl who comes up to me and says, "you're the bravest person I know." It is in those moments that I feel like I am being "hugged" from the inside-out. That there is a purpose in this.
The Lord has been so faithful. I don't want you to get the impression that I just "Have it all together." For whatever reason, mornings are the worst. This morning found me on my knees dry-heaving, when I tried to take on the magnitude of "what could be." So I prayed....I mean- fall on your knees-type of praying that leaves you feeling spent, but hopeful.
Even though I feel like I am living through my worst nightmare, I begin to realize it is taking things one step at a time. Aaron's dad always said, "if He brings you to it, He'll bring you through it." There is peace knowing that each new day His mercies are new and that He gives me the strength to meet each challenge, just like He does each of us. It is good to be reminded. He IS good and He is SO faithful. That is what I am learning....surrendering means let go...and I mean REALLY let go. It is there that I find my peace.
I am learning to find peace. Bit by bit. Surprisingly it comes in the most random places. For example, when someone who never prays, tells me they picked up a Bible and read a verse and while they thought of me they prayed. Or a little girl who comes up to me and says, "you're the bravest person I know." It is in those moments that I feel like I am being "hugged" from the inside-out. That there is a purpose in this.
The Lord has been so faithful. I don't want you to get the impression that I just "Have it all together." For whatever reason, mornings are the worst. This morning found me on my knees dry-heaving, when I tried to take on the magnitude of "what could be." So I prayed....I mean- fall on your knees-type of praying that leaves you feeling spent, but hopeful.
Even though I feel like I am living through my worst nightmare, I begin to realize it is taking things one step at a time. Aaron's dad always said, "if He brings you to it, He'll bring you through it." There is peace knowing that each new day His mercies are new and that He gives me the strength to meet each challenge, just like He does each of us. It is good to be reminded. He IS good and He is SO faithful. That is what I am learning....surrendering means let go...and I mean REALLY let go. It is there that I find my peace.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
His Will- His Way
Like I said in an earlier blog....life is always changing. The one constant that we can always "depend" on.
Yesterday, Aaron and I recieved some stagering news. After several tests, the Dr. feels that I have breast cancer. This is NOT confirmed yet through a biopsy, but Lord willing the biopsy will take place this week and will prove to be a huge mistake and exaggeration! Once you hear the "C" word, you naturally let your mind wander and think of the worse case senarios. I am just not going there. I am a pretty scrappy fighter if provoked! =) I am determined that if it is cancer, that I am going to kick this thing in the rear.
I will try to be as sensitive as I can in explaining this as it is rather "uncomfortable" to talk about.
I went in b/c of some swollen lymph nodes under my arm that I had noticed for a couple of weeks. They did the U/S and Mammogram and they noticed a mass. Upon further pictures and "blown up close" versions of the above mentioned tests, he was very frank and candid with me. I knew it wasn't good after being there for almost 4 hours and then when the nurse came around and started rubbing my back, well lets just say the flood gates opened. It was late by this time. 6pm, so of course they were only able to make a call and leave a message (to some other Dr.s and Surgeons) along with giving me my films. He told me what to expect over the next couple of weeks, but I tell you I was shocked.
We are looking at a biopsy later this week. Upon the results of those, if negative....we will shouting hallelujah! If they go the other way....we will still praise Him. Being only 30, he said they will take drastic measures and act quickly. I am praying that if this is cancer, that it will be isolated ONLY to this area.
Someone asked me if I was mad at God. To risk "sounding religious" I will tell you that no, I'm not at this point, but if I were, that the Lord can handle it. For I believe that NOTHING surprises Him or is sifted through His hands without His permission. It is His Sovreignty. Sufficiency, and His Faithfulness that I am clinging to through the relationship I have with a loving Father. Do we only take the good in life and not the bad? Does it not rain on the righteous and the unrighteous alike? (the "deserving" or "undeserving") Like the potter and the clay (Is. 29:16, 45:9, 64:8; Jer. 18:6, and Rom, 9:21), if I believe in God, then I have to take the WHOLE Bible as His Word. He knows, He cares, and He is indeed in complete control. I do not have the power to call forth the wind or to still a storm to a whisper, but I do have power in the very Name of Jesus, to call on Him in my hour of need and have absolute assurance that He is right there and will never leave. To ask for peace to surpass my understanding. And to rest in His loving arms...which is where I plan to stay.
I wish I didn't have to share this or walk this road even. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I will also share that I have this thing called "black humor." For anyone who has it, you can feel my pain when in the worst of times, there is something that comes over you and you cannot help but laugh. Perhaps it is how we cope....but while sitting there talking and crying with my dear husband, I said: "Aaron, if what he (the dr.) says is true, and I do have to have massive "surgery" then I'm going the whole way with the plastic surgery thing. I would not normally say this, but if i have to have some reconstruction done at least the insurance will pay for it and I will wear it loud and proud." Don't judge me! =)
Yesterday, Aaron and I recieved some stagering news. After several tests, the Dr. feels that I have breast cancer. This is NOT confirmed yet through a biopsy, but Lord willing the biopsy will take place this week and will prove to be a huge mistake and exaggeration! Once you hear the "C" word, you naturally let your mind wander and think of the worse case senarios. I am just not going there. I am a pretty scrappy fighter if provoked! =) I am determined that if it is cancer, that I am going to kick this thing in the rear.
I will try to be as sensitive as I can in explaining this as it is rather "uncomfortable" to talk about.
I went in b/c of some swollen lymph nodes under my arm that I had noticed for a couple of weeks. They did the U/S and Mammogram and they noticed a mass. Upon further pictures and "blown up close" versions of the above mentioned tests, he was very frank and candid with me. I knew it wasn't good after being there for almost 4 hours and then when the nurse came around and started rubbing my back, well lets just say the flood gates opened. It was late by this time. 6pm, so of course they were only able to make a call and leave a message (to some other Dr.s and Surgeons) along with giving me my films. He told me what to expect over the next couple of weeks, but I tell you I was shocked.
We are looking at a biopsy later this week. Upon the results of those, if negative....we will shouting hallelujah! If they go the other way....we will still praise Him. Being only 30, he said they will take drastic measures and act quickly. I am praying that if this is cancer, that it will be isolated ONLY to this area.
Someone asked me if I was mad at God. To risk "sounding religious" I will tell you that no, I'm not at this point, but if I were, that the Lord can handle it. For I believe that NOTHING surprises Him or is sifted through His hands without His permission. It is His Sovreignty. Sufficiency, and His Faithfulness that I am clinging to through the relationship I have with a loving Father. Do we only take the good in life and not the bad? Does it not rain on the righteous and the unrighteous alike? (the "deserving" or "undeserving") Like the potter and the clay (Is. 29:16, 45:9, 64:8; Jer. 18:6, and Rom, 9:21), if I believe in God, then I have to take the WHOLE Bible as His Word. He knows, He cares, and He is indeed in complete control. I do not have the power to call forth the wind or to still a storm to a whisper, but I do have power in the very Name of Jesus, to call on Him in my hour of need and have absolute assurance that He is right there and will never leave. To ask for peace to surpass my understanding. And to rest in His loving arms...which is where I plan to stay.
I wish I didn't have to share this or walk this road even. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I will also share that I have this thing called "black humor." For anyone who has it, you can feel my pain when in the worst of times, there is something that comes over you and you cannot help but laugh. Perhaps it is how we cope....but while sitting there talking and crying with my dear husband, I said: "Aaron, if what he (the dr.) says is true, and I do have to have massive "surgery" then I'm going the whole way with the plastic surgery thing. I would not normally say this, but if i have to have some reconstruction done at least the insurance will pay for it and I will wear it loud and proud." Don't judge me! =)
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Out of the mouths of babes.....
Motherhood is a funny thing. It does things to you. One moment you are caught up in nostalgia, wishing for the days gone by and the next praying for the rapture, more to escape the pure embarrasment than a particular desire to be caught up with the Lord.
Like every mother, we all have to brag on our kids once in a while. We love them and it just comes naturally. Once in a while you are bound to have those, "oh, no" moments when you can't quite control the situation and usually you end up embarrassed and suddenly wishing you were anywhere other than where you are at the moment. Cade is currently at that stage. Words flow and I can see the wheels turning when he tries to ponder what a particular word means, etc.
Some of the time I post things on FB, and others I will just jot down in this handy little book I recieved called, "Out Of The Mouths Of Babes." So, I thought some of you might like to hear some of the hilariously embarrasing and sweet things that Cade has said, particularly my mom. I write this more for entertainment than bragging rights, as you will soon see.....and YES, the following is all true.
Cade: "Mom, I think that lady just came from build-a-bear!"
Me: "Why do you think that?"
Cade: "Because she looks like she just came from stuffing her pants in there! I think she must have gotten stuck because she is HUGE!" (insert a "rapture" moment as the lady heard us)
Cade: "Dear God, thank you for our blessings and for Real and for Pete's Sake- because my mommy uses them all the time! Amen"
While listening to the GPS-
Cade: "Yeah, we gottch "sugar!" We'll do it!"
"Mom, sleep is SO distracting! It keeps trying to keep me from waking up."
To the lady doing our taxes:
"Do you think we can get this back in cash money? It sure would spend a lot better."
To my grandmother...
"Don't worry Great-gramma, I'm sure a nice guy will come along one of these days and just make you real happy! Then you won't be alone anymore!"
Cade: "Mom, if I said, "I love you" will that get me out of trouble?"
ME: "No, I don't think that will work."
Cade: "What if I said dinner was amazing, too?"
I will end with that. He is a sweetie and I just love him! There are many more, but for my mom, I wanted to post these!
Like every mother, we all have to brag on our kids once in a while. We love them and it just comes naturally. Once in a while you are bound to have those, "oh, no" moments when you can't quite control the situation and usually you end up embarrassed and suddenly wishing you were anywhere other than where you are at the moment. Cade is currently at that stage. Words flow and I can see the wheels turning when he tries to ponder what a particular word means, etc.
Some of the time I post things on FB, and others I will just jot down in this handy little book I recieved called, "Out Of The Mouths Of Babes." So, I thought some of you might like to hear some of the hilariously embarrasing and sweet things that Cade has said, particularly my mom. I write this more for entertainment than bragging rights, as you will soon see.....and YES, the following is all true.
Cade: "Mom, I think that lady just came from build-a-bear!"
Me: "Why do you think that?"
Cade: "Because she looks like she just came from stuffing her pants in there! I think she must have gotten stuck because she is HUGE!" (insert a "rapture" moment as the lady heard us)
Cade: "Dear God, thank you for our blessings and for Real and for Pete's Sake- because my mommy uses them all the time! Amen"
While listening to the GPS-
Cade: "Yeah, we gottch "sugar!" We'll do it!"
"Mom, sleep is SO distracting! It keeps trying to keep me from waking up."
To the lady doing our taxes:
"Do you think we can get this back in cash money? It sure would spend a lot better."
To my grandmother...
"Don't worry Great-gramma, I'm sure a nice guy will come along one of these days and just make you real happy! Then you won't be alone anymore!"
Cade: "Mom, if I said, "I love you" will that get me out of trouble?"
ME: "No, I don't think that will work."
Cade: "What if I said dinner was amazing, too?"
I will end with that. He is a sweetie and I just love him! There are many more, but for my mom, I wanted to post these!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Moving....
We recently moved from our 20 acre farm, to a Subdivision. It was quite an adjustment, but we are really enjoying it. Many have asked why we moved from our "dream" home that we built, to our new place, and the answer is really very simple....obedience.
Aaron recently started seminary. Most of you know that the end result is rarely staying in one spot very long, especially once you graduate. Now, he will have a while before he is done, but taking care of 20 acres, with cows, and a starting each project from scratch is not only costly, but time consuming. His dad is going on 4 years post stroke, and since that time we have joined with the family (loose translation) in taking care of their almost 60 acre farm. Not an easy task to juggle with school, our own place, worship team, and now trying to adopt. Plus, where we are now (location) , will be much easier to sell when the time comes to move. Where we will go is undecided, and also irrelevent in light of obeying one step at a time.
My new favorite song is Chris Tomlin's "I Will Follow." Having a heart that says "I will follow" is only part of the process. Moving, when he says move is another. Each one having a huge impact. The song reveals many avenues that the Lord uses to work in our lives. Moving, staying, loving, serving, leaving. Yet having a submissive heart is the goal. (Not saying I have accomplished these things- just sharing observation).
When we moved, it wasn't difficult to leave behind all the things we worked so hard for. To be honest, we don't miss it. Why?? I believe it is God's grace and His blessing. We have had a lot of change come into our lives this year and in the past 4. We had some difficult decisions to make early on this year that broke my heart and I struggled through a period of depression/grief. We have had to let go of things we had no control over, only to have another door open up and be given something more. We have been challenged to do something that we swore we would "never" do. We have tried and failed at one thing so much that we wondered if our prayers were being answered and/or we were just not wanting to accept the answer, only to have another door suddenly open up pulling us forward. We learned that sometimes loving is letting go. I can share more about some of this later, but the bottom line is when you say yes to Jesus, your life will never be the same. In this move, I feel like it was significant to us, because for the first time, our hearts were not focused on ourselves and what we were leaving behind, but on what was ahead and stepping forward. Growing. Change. Moving. His will, His way- I will follow.
Aaron recently started seminary. Most of you know that the end result is rarely staying in one spot very long, especially once you graduate. Now, he will have a while before he is done, but taking care of 20 acres, with cows, and a starting each project from scratch is not only costly, but time consuming. His dad is going on 4 years post stroke, and since that time we have joined with the family (loose translation) in taking care of their almost 60 acre farm. Not an easy task to juggle with school, our own place, worship team, and now trying to adopt. Plus, where we are now (location) , will be much easier to sell when the time comes to move. Where we will go is undecided, and also irrelevent in light of obeying one step at a time.
My new favorite song is Chris Tomlin's "I Will Follow." Having a heart that says "I will follow" is only part of the process. Moving, when he says move is another. Each one having a huge impact. The song reveals many avenues that the Lord uses to work in our lives. Moving, staying, loving, serving, leaving. Yet having a submissive heart is the goal. (Not saying I have accomplished these things- just sharing observation).
When we moved, it wasn't difficult to leave behind all the things we worked so hard for. To be honest, we don't miss it. Why?? I believe it is God's grace and His blessing. We have had a lot of change come into our lives this year and in the past 4. We had some difficult decisions to make early on this year that broke my heart and I struggled through a period of depression/grief. We have had to let go of things we had no control over, only to have another door open up and be given something more. We have been challenged to do something that we swore we would "never" do. We have tried and failed at one thing so much that we wondered if our prayers were being answered and/or we were just not wanting to accept the answer, only to have another door suddenly open up pulling us forward. We learned that sometimes loving is letting go. I can share more about some of this later, but the bottom line is when you say yes to Jesus, your life will never be the same. In this move, I feel like it was significant to us, because for the first time, our hearts were not focused on ourselves and what we were leaving behind, but on what was ahead and stepping forward. Growing. Change. Moving. His will, His way- I will follow.
Deal or no deal?
I read an interesting article recently that was based on an intensive study, of a very controversial argument pertaining to families. Leaving the subject out, there was a sentence that said, "....what seems to be apparent in the stats below,.....children are influenced by their parents." Who knew? =)
When we were young, my mom loved garage sales. Loved may be an inadequate word, but for the sake of time and my mom not proofing this, we'll leave it at that. She once had a key chain that had tire marks on pavement and a quote saying: "I brake for ALL garage sales." (you get the picture) Now, I am not dogging on this. I was the recipient of many a "steals" and following the wise words from above, I now can see the "influence" she had on me. I have become just like her.
I would like to say that, as a stay at home mom, I sit at home and darn socks, sew or iron on patches on the knees of jeans, and knit all our sweaters and things. I'm not going to lie. Such is NOT the case. I love to crochet scarves and hats, but nothing else. I would even go so far to admit to you that I have a brand new sewing machine from my wedding still in the box, in storage. As far as sewing, my mom DID try to "influence" me at one time in 4-H. It was a disaster. She had great intentions, but I chose "singing" over "Singer."
Moving on.....I love using things like Amazon, Ebay, and Craigslist, to find things when you just don't have the time or energy to plot out a course with the paper. It's the "new" garage sale-ing of my day. My latest quest was for a bike and a bike trailer. We recently moved and have a 4 mile track that begins 1/4 mile from our house. We LOVE it! Anyhow, I drove up our street one day and there was a Schwinn bike out by the road for sale. When I stopped, the lady who owned it, said she had undergone some major leg/foot surgery and wouldn't be able to use it. If I wanted it, she would give it to me for $25. !!!! She had a little girl (thus the big gray grocery-getter looking thing off the back) who had a special seat that attached to the back. They had used it twice since she bought it last Christmas. I then found a bike trailer on Craigslist for $70, that looked brand new. The folks who owned it had used it four times before their children outgrew it.
Aaron teases me about my "granny" looking bike, but with some minor adjustments- she'll be a beauty! =) Plus, the bike trailer also converts to a double stroller with a rotating wheel in the front and folds completely flat. Great for walking or jogging. With those kind of savings, I am not complaining!
When we were young, my mom loved garage sales. Loved may be an inadequate word, but for the sake of time and my mom not proofing this, we'll leave it at that. She once had a key chain that had tire marks on pavement and a quote saying: "I brake for ALL garage sales." (you get the picture) Now, I am not dogging on this. I was the recipient of many a "steals" and following the wise words from above, I now can see the "influence" she had on me. I have become just like her.
I would like to say that, as a stay at home mom, I sit at home and darn socks, sew or iron on patches on the knees of jeans, and knit all our sweaters and things. I'm not going to lie. Such is NOT the case. I love to crochet scarves and hats, but nothing else. I would even go so far to admit to you that I have a brand new sewing machine from my wedding still in the box, in storage. As far as sewing, my mom DID try to "influence" me at one time in 4-H. It was a disaster. She had great intentions, but I chose "singing" over "Singer."
Moving on.....I love using things like Amazon, Ebay, and Craigslist, to find things when you just don't have the time or energy to plot out a course with the paper. It's the "new" garage sale-ing of my day. My latest quest was for a bike and a bike trailer. We recently moved and have a 4 mile track that begins 1/4 mile from our house. We LOVE it! Anyhow, I drove up our street one day and there was a Schwinn bike out by the road for sale. When I stopped, the lady who owned it, said she had undergone some major leg/foot surgery and wouldn't be able to use it. If I wanted it, she would give it to me for $25. !!!! She had a little girl (thus the big gray grocery-getter looking thing off the back) who had a special seat that attached to the back. They had used it twice since she bought it last Christmas. I then found a bike trailer on Craigslist for $70, that looked brand new. The folks who owned it had used it four times before their children outgrew it.
Bike Purchased: $25
Retail: $300-350
Savings: $275
Bike Trailer Puchased: $70
Retail: $385 (USED on AMAZON)
Savings: $315
Total Saved: $590
LOVE IT!!!!
Aaron teases me about my "granny" looking bike, but with some minor adjustments- she'll be a beauty! =) Plus, the bike trailer also converts to a double stroller with a rotating wheel in the front and folds completely flat. Great for walking or jogging. With those kind of savings, I am not complaining!
Monday, November 1, 2010
Confetti for Marsha....
Today my heart is sad and broken for the Reed family. Their sweet mother, friend, sister, aunt, grandma, co-worker, sister in Christ will be laid to rest today. As Marsha's life is remembered, I can't help but be rejoicing with her/for her as well, as she is now present with the Lord. His word says that such a homecoming is "precious."
Marsha had a way about her. As I have said to many people....Marsha remembered every birthday. She didn't just call, she sent you a confetti filled card with gum in it along with her thoughts for you to have a great day. I don't know about the rest of you, but when my cards came in the mail, they were LOADED with confetti. Not the big stuff either. I had the fine dusting stuff that stayed with you and on you for days! What a way to make people smile! It always worked! So what do you think was at her viewing? Yes, confetti. I couldn't think of something more appropriate.
It is ironic that the only two "constants" in this life are the very things we are afraid of and/or have the most difficult time dealing with: Death and Change. Probably because these two often go hand in hand, are closely related, or first comes one and then another in no particular order.
So, as I am writing I feel very conflicted. In one way I just want to cry, and keep crying as memories surface of all the great times we had together and interactions we have had. In another way, I wish I could be there supporting the family and grieve with them, for it is for them that my heart breaks. They have such a long road ahead, and as anyone knows who have walked it before or walked along side someone....it is often up and down, troubled, and filled with joys unexpected all at once. Regardless of any "phase" you go through, it hurts. All of it. I am praying for you Lindsay, Paul and TJ. For you and your families. For the days ahead. The holidays. For every "first" for everything that she won't be here for.
Lastly, a third conflicting emotion. I have such a peace inside of me. A confidence in a sovereign God who knows every single breath we take, hair on our head, and day we have here. I don't always understand and don't always accept this, but I do believe in God. In Jesus. In the fact that the grave (because of Jesus) is OVERWHELMED. The Victory is WON. She lived every single day that He gave her. Not one more, or one less. Some may say that is heartless, but I say that is Sovereignty. That is Mercy. None of us "deserve" anything. But a good and gracious God- Jesus, has given us far more than we deserve, and His complete control over every thing, every situation, should provide us with a peace that no one can take. Do I always understand? No. I wish I did. But I have come to trust him more and more through surrender to Him every day in these two things we have never controlled, nor never will.
Rest in peace, Marsha. We will see you again, and I can't wait to see what kind of Confetti they threw up in heaven this time- for you.
Marsha had a way about her. As I have said to many people....Marsha remembered every birthday. She didn't just call, she sent you a confetti filled card with gum in it along with her thoughts for you to have a great day. I don't know about the rest of you, but when my cards came in the mail, they were LOADED with confetti. Not the big stuff either. I had the fine dusting stuff that stayed with you and on you for days! What a way to make people smile! It always worked! So what do you think was at her viewing? Yes, confetti. I couldn't think of something more appropriate.
It is ironic that the only two "constants" in this life are the very things we are afraid of and/or have the most difficult time dealing with: Death and Change. Probably because these two often go hand in hand, are closely related, or first comes one and then another in no particular order.
So, as I am writing I feel very conflicted. In one way I just want to cry, and keep crying as memories surface of all the great times we had together and interactions we have had. In another way, I wish I could be there supporting the family and grieve with them, for it is for them that my heart breaks. They have such a long road ahead, and as anyone knows who have walked it before or walked along side someone....it is often up and down, troubled, and filled with joys unexpected all at once. Regardless of any "phase" you go through, it hurts. All of it. I am praying for you Lindsay, Paul and TJ. For you and your families. For the days ahead. The holidays. For every "first" for everything that she won't be here for.
Lastly, a third conflicting emotion. I have such a peace inside of me. A confidence in a sovereign God who knows every single breath we take, hair on our head, and day we have here. I don't always understand and don't always accept this, but I do believe in God. In Jesus. In the fact that the grave (because of Jesus) is OVERWHELMED. The Victory is WON. She lived every single day that He gave her. Not one more, or one less. Some may say that is heartless, but I say that is Sovereignty. That is Mercy. None of us "deserve" anything. But a good and gracious God- Jesus, has given us far more than we deserve, and His complete control over every thing, every situation, should provide us with a peace that no one can take. Do I always understand? No. I wish I did. But I have come to trust him more and more through surrender to Him every day in these two things we have never controlled, nor never will.
Rest in peace, Marsha. We will see you again, and I can't wait to see what kind of Confetti they threw up in heaven this time- for you.
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