Home and resting. Feels like I have been punched in the shoulder- HARD! Really different feeling. They put this triangular looking port under my skin approx. 3 inches below my collar bone. It has a long catheter tubing attached that goes thru the vein under my collar bone and down by my heart. (Note to self: read/see the picture AFTER surgery.) That really grossed me out! =)
Thanks so much for your prayers! It was funny b/c I was looking for a butterfly and didn't see one....until the surgical tech turned around and had one on her head wear! That was cool!
Also, the nurse that I had told me his wife had the same thing I did. She was 29 when she was diagnosed and that was six years ago. She is doing great. They too have one little boy. Isn't it awesome how the Lord works? Just enough encouragement, right when you need it.
Was able to see my good friend Missi while there too!
I'm still a little dizzy from the meds/anesthetic so I'm headed back to the Lazy-boy. Hope you all have a wonderful day!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Another Round....
I am off to surgery again tomorrow morning.
They are putting in a Chemo port, for easy access for the upcoming treatments.
Lord willing it will be a simple and quick deal. Supposed to be approx. 45 mins.
I was scheduled and re-scheduled, and the humorous thing was, I wasn't able to go to the pre-op stuff. They did most of it for my other surgery, so tomorrow they will do some bloodwork, etc. While I was on the phone with the nurse answering questions and things, she was like, "are you going to be home tonight?" Me: "yes, I'm pretty sure." Her: "Well, I just wanted to you to have this soap and instructions and instead of your husband picking them up at the hospital, I will just drop them off for you if that is OK. I live right down the road from you. That will save you an extra trip out tonight and you know, I was looking at what you are having to deal with, and maybe this little part will be a blessing for you during this time. We don't do this for everyone....well, really no one! Hope you have a great day and I'm sure hoping you have a quick and full recovery!"
See? The craziest stuff with the biggest impact happens! God is SO good and I KNOW that He will be with me tomorrow, because He never left.
They are putting in a Chemo port, for easy access for the upcoming treatments.
Lord willing it will be a simple and quick deal. Supposed to be approx. 45 mins.
I was scheduled and re-scheduled, and the humorous thing was, I wasn't able to go to the pre-op stuff. They did most of it for my other surgery, so tomorrow they will do some bloodwork, etc. While I was on the phone with the nurse answering questions and things, she was like, "are you going to be home tonight?" Me: "yes, I'm pretty sure." Her: "Well, I just wanted to you to have this soap and instructions and instead of your husband picking them up at the hospital, I will just drop them off for you if that is OK. I live right down the road from you. That will save you an extra trip out tonight and you know, I was looking at what you are having to deal with, and maybe this little part will be a blessing for you during this time. We don't do this for everyone....well, really no one! Hope you have a great day and I'm sure hoping you have a quick and full recovery!"
See? The craziest stuff with the biggest impact happens! God is SO good and I KNOW that He will be with me tomorrow, because He never left.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Going thru the motions....
So often in life we just go through the motions. Get up, ignore exercise, kids off to school, clean, dinner, dishes, laundry, etc. We do most of this w/o thinking. Just ask Aaron about the shirts, etc. that I have turned pink! I didn't even do it for Breast Cancer Awareness- just pure "habit". LOL At least we look "aware!" =)
These past three days have been difficult for me. Being vulnerable to the tests, etc. I have had to go thru are just some of the things that just set me off to being completely overwhelmed. I realized my little routine was getting more and more messed up and I hear the nurses tell me to just live life normally. Difficult to do bouncing around childcare, meals, appointments, pain pills, sleep, etc. I realized last night that I just had to have some "me" time. No phone, email, nothing. Just sit in the quiet, watch a movie. Nothing. LOVED it. Aaron and Cade were at worship team practice, so the house was mine!
It is interesting to me how the Lord is using this not only in my life, but in the lives of so many. I just checked the stats and I have had 5,500 readers from 12 different countries. I am truly humbled. It literally brings me to tears. "Why" is a question I am very familiar with, but growing more comfortable with each day. I don't know. I have spent three days "worried, stessed and fearful" of the what if's.....I had to stop last night and think. To remember exactly what I felt and "knew" at the beginning of this thing. I remember specifically reading that "God doesn't give us grace to overcome our fears- He gives us grace when when we need it." I don't know if you caught that or not....but we don't need grace at that moment we are fearing. We need forgiveness. FEAR is the ENEMY'S tactic to get our MINDS OFF OF CHRIST. FEAR = SIN. I was going thru the motions of what I used to do on a daily basis. I can promise you- nothing will prepare you for a tragedy in your life, no matter how hard you try to prepare yourself by worrying or "planning".
Tues. I am scheduled for another surgery to put in the Chemo Port. UGH. But, I am determined to keep on keeping on. Very slowly these days, but also carefully. I don't want to keep just going thru the motions of this life. I want to do more. Be more. Yes, to change. For the better. I know there will be grace for that, b/c He has allowed this to strengthen me, my family and friends. (I'll include you, too!) I know, b/c I need it. We all need it. We cannot fight this battle or any battle in life on our own.
I plan on posting pics of the "new" me when I am bald. I have struggled with this. Honestly, if I could- I probably wouldn't have shared ANY of this with anyone, but I am doing it out of obedience. So that the LORD is glorified, not me. It sure helps the humility out! =)
Monday I am planning on going shopping for my wigs, my scarves and the rest of my "head wear". I've got some great girlfriends going along...we're going to celebrate! Why not? If you have to go thru it, enjoy the ride. Otherwise....I would just be going thru the motions.....
These past three days have been difficult for me. Being vulnerable to the tests, etc. I have had to go thru are just some of the things that just set me off to being completely overwhelmed. I realized my little routine was getting more and more messed up and I hear the nurses tell me to just live life normally. Difficult to do bouncing around childcare, meals, appointments, pain pills, sleep, etc. I realized last night that I just had to have some "me" time. No phone, email, nothing. Just sit in the quiet, watch a movie. Nothing. LOVED it. Aaron and Cade were at worship team practice, so the house was mine!
It is interesting to me how the Lord is using this not only in my life, but in the lives of so many. I just checked the stats and I have had 5,500 readers from 12 different countries. I am truly humbled. It literally brings me to tears. "Why" is a question I am very familiar with, but growing more comfortable with each day. I don't know. I have spent three days "worried, stessed and fearful" of the what if's.....I had to stop last night and think. To remember exactly what I felt and "knew" at the beginning of this thing. I remember specifically reading that "God doesn't give us grace to overcome our fears- He gives us grace when when we need it." I don't know if you caught that or not....but we don't need grace at that moment we are fearing. We need forgiveness. FEAR is the ENEMY'S tactic to get our MINDS OFF OF CHRIST. FEAR = SIN. I was going thru the motions of what I used to do on a daily basis. I can promise you- nothing will prepare you for a tragedy in your life, no matter how hard you try to prepare yourself by worrying or "planning".
Tues. I am scheduled for another surgery to put in the Chemo Port. UGH. But, I am determined to keep on keeping on. Very slowly these days, but also carefully. I don't want to keep just going thru the motions of this life. I want to do more. Be more. Yes, to change. For the better. I know there will be grace for that, b/c He has allowed this to strengthen me, my family and friends. (I'll include you, too!) I know, b/c I need it. We all need it. We cannot fight this battle or any battle in life on our own.
I plan on posting pics of the "new" me when I am bald. I have struggled with this. Honestly, if I could- I probably wouldn't have shared ANY of this with anyone, but I am doing it out of obedience. So that the LORD is glorified, not me. It sure helps the humility out! =)
Monday I am planning on going shopping for my wigs, my scarves and the rest of my "head wear". I've got some great girlfriends going along...we're going to celebrate! Why not? If you have to go thru it, enjoy the ride. Otherwise....I would just be going thru the motions.....
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Update #2....
Today I had an appointment with the Oncologist.
It was in a lot of ways a relief to know the course of action.
I could bore you all to tears with the medical explanation, but I will save you and give you the short 411.....
Tomorrow I go to have genetic blood tests done, and a heart test to ensure my heart health is prep-ed for Chemo. Within the next week I will have a small surgery to get my Chemo port in....they say it should be a 20 min. out-pt. procedure. Then in approx. 2 wks. I will begin Chemo. It will start w/ 8 weeks and a series of 4 infusions spread over that. Then I will have 12 weeks of 1 infusion per week. Followed by radiation (not sure how long for that) and 7 years of hormone therapy. All of the above, combined with exercise will lower my risk down to > < 7-15% of having a reoccurring within the next 10 years.
I have a PET Scan in 6 weeks...allowing for more healing for a more accurate read. LORD WILLING it is NO where else. The Dr. doesn't believe it is, but it will be good to see some concrete evidence.
Knowing all of this cuts the fear of the unknown in half. yes, I am terrified at times. He told me that w/in two weeks of starting Chemo I will be bald. Wow! The tears come just thinking of it. Mainly because I don't feel sick, but will see another tangible example of reality- no chest and now a bald head. I had a friend go with me today and I looked at her and thought- Am I really here? Seriously? The next youngest patient was about in their upper 60's.
As for a timeline- in about 5-6 months I will be done with Chemo and moving towards radiation. The bright side will be my hair growing back as well! Reconstruction will take place after Chemo and Rad. are done, along with a hyster. later this year. It seems crazy, but you get in a mindset that if they can take one more thing to give just a little bit less percentage on your side....you become very willing to do just about whatever is necessary. Lord willing w/i this year I will be completely through all my treatments and surgeries.
My prayer is specifically:
-for the Drs to have wisdom
-for my health, no infections, no problems (and that of my family)
-that my body receive the chemo and radiation well w/ NO adverse side effects and minimal effects at all.
-That the Lord receive all the Glory for each and every step.
-That many will come to the Lord through this.
-And finally that we will all see a healing in my body before our eyes and believe in the goodness of God, here in the land of the living, that He is here and still does miracles today.
Thank you from the bottom of my tearful, thankful, broken heart for all of your prayers thus far and for the future. We wait for you, Lord....
It was in a lot of ways a relief to know the course of action.
I could bore you all to tears with the medical explanation, but I will save you and give you the short 411.....
Tomorrow I go to have genetic blood tests done, and a heart test to ensure my heart health is prep-ed for Chemo. Within the next week I will have a small surgery to get my Chemo port in....they say it should be a 20 min. out-pt. procedure. Then in approx. 2 wks. I will begin Chemo. It will start w/ 8 weeks and a series of 4 infusions spread over that. Then I will have 12 weeks of 1 infusion per week. Followed by radiation (not sure how long for that) and 7 years of hormone therapy. All of the above, combined with exercise will lower my risk down to > < 7-15% of having a reoccurring within the next 10 years.
I have a PET Scan in 6 weeks...allowing for more healing for a more accurate read. LORD WILLING it is NO where else. The Dr. doesn't believe it is, but it will be good to see some concrete evidence.
Knowing all of this cuts the fear of the unknown in half. yes, I am terrified at times. He told me that w/in two weeks of starting Chemo I will be bald. Wow! The tears come just thinking of it. Mainly because I don't feel sick, but will see another tangible example of reality- no chest and now a bald head. I had a friend go with me today and I looked at her and thought- Am I really here? Seriously? The next youngest patient was about in their upper 60's.
As for a timeline- in about 5-6 months I will be done with Chemo and moving towards radiation. The bright side will be my hair growing back as well! Reconstruction will take place after Chemo and Rad. are done, along with a hyster. later this year. It seems crazy, but you get in a mindset that if they can take one more thing to give just a little bit less percentage on your side....you become very willing to do just about whatever is necessary. Lord willing w/i this year I will be completely through all my treatments and surgeries.
My prayer is specifically:
-for the Drs to have wisdom
-for my health, no infections, no problems (and that of my family)
-that my body receive the chemo and radiation well w/ NO adverse side effects and minimal effects at all.
-That the Lord receive all the Glory for each and every step.
-That many will come to the Lord through this.
-And finally that we will all see a healing in my body before our eyes and believe in the goodness of God, here in the land of the living, that He is here and still does miracles today.
Thank you from the bottom of my tearful, thankful, broken heart for all of your prayers thus far and for the future. We wait for you, Lord....
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Every Couple of Days....
Many people have asked me this question:
"Do you ever just get mad?" or said: "You don't have to be strong all the time."
The answer? To the first, YES, and to the second: You are absolutely right.
Today was a tough day for me. The gravity of knowing that many have fought this battle and some haven't made it sinks in deep on days like today.
The grief for what has been lost and what I have yet to go through weighs heavy on my mind. I HATE it. Tears seem to ebb and flow with no rhyme or reason. They just are there one minute and gone the next.
The fact that God is not taking me away from this situation, but giving me grace to go through it is comforting, but I just want to for one moment go back to my old life. To the care free (maybe a little less worry/fear) life when I didn't have to think about treatment options, tiredness, sleep, pain, Chemo, baldness, infections, scary side effects, re-occurrence, etc. The list could be endless.
It is late and I am tired, but sleep seems to be far away right now. I don't want to sound like a downer, but I do want to be honest. In life, I believe it is important to know who you are and to be who you are. No one else. Wow- if that isn't a difficult thing to do. I guess cancer has forced me to be more honest with what I am feeling mainly in part b/c I feel so overwhelmed at times I could bust. It helps to get it out. It is on these days where I have to make a conscious decision to CHOOSE JOY. It just doesn't come naturally. It is the same with LOVE. It is a choice we make. You don't just "fall out of love" with someone. You make a decision here, one there....it's a slow fade. Anyway, back to Joy- it is different than happiness. Happiness depends on circumstance. It can be manipulated and forced, but joy comes from the deep part of your soul. What you have planted there springs forth in the dry times. It is sort of your "reserve". When you get to the point where you tap in to that reserve, you will see for yourself what is planted there. The good, the bad, and yes- the ugly.
Today I just wanted to scream....out of fear, disappointment, and yes, anger. I'm barely on week 2 of my 8 week restriction and I felt like doing whatever I felt like doing, w/o worry of how much it weighed, etc. and then I did and I was instantly regretting my ridiculous decision b/c now I really could feel the pain and like a ding-dong I didn't take my med on time, etc. You get the picture. I handled today with as much grace and poise as a chimpanzee.
Cade asked me why I had to be sick. "I don't know." "What sickness do you have mommy?" "I have cancer, honey. It stays hidden inside of you, but when it is found it needs to come out and then you're given strong medicine to help you get better." "Will you be normal again after you lose your hair?"
As I was walking upstairs tonight, I thought of something. Aaron told me at the start of this that he thinks I should write a book. A title came to mind at a random moment- "Bald and Beautiful." I sort of laughed at the thought of the whole thing, when my phone rang and a wonderful woman called to encourage me and guess what? She is a breast cancer survivor, who told me a story about embracing the beauty in being bald. I had to share my title with her after that! She loved it. Through the tears and anguish, I can still see Him working in my life. He hasn't forgotten me.
"Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer.....the Lord will hear when I call to him.....In your anger do not sin......search your hearts and be silent.....trust in the Lord......You have filled my heart with greater joy......I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." Psalm 4
Yes, I'll most likely end up bald, but life is beautiful. It is for each of us. I am so glad the Lord reminds me of His goodness, doesn't leave me to self-destruct, forgives, heals, and He shows up and reminds me of these things every couple of days......
Sleep in peace tonight my friends.
"Do you ever just get mad?" or said: "You don't have to be strong all the time."
The answer? To the first, YES, and to the second: You are absolutely right.
Today was a tough day for me. The gravity of knowing that many have fought this battle and some haven't made it sinks in deep on days like today.
The grief for what has been lost and what I have yet to go through weighs heavy on my mind. I HATE it. Tears seem to ebb and flow with no rhyme or reason. They just are there one minute and gone the next.
The fact that God is not taking me away from this situation, but giving me grace to go through it is comforting, but I just want to for one moment go back to my old life. To the care free (maybe a little less worry/fear) life when I didn't have to think about treatment options, tiredness, sleep, pain, Chemo, baldness, infections, scary side effects, re-occurrence, etc. The list could be endless.
It is late and I am tired, but sleep seems to be far away right now. I don't want to sound like a downer, but I do want to be honest. In life, I believe it is important to know who you are and to be who you are. No one else. Wow- if that isn't a difficult thing to do. I guess cancer has forced me to be more honest with what I am feeling mainly in part b/c I feel so overwhelmed at times I could bust. It helps to get it out. It is on these days where I have to make a conscious decision to CHOOSE JOY. It just doesn't come naturally. It is the same with LOVE. It is a choice we make. You don't just "fall out of love" with someone. You make a decision here, one there....it's a slow fade. Anyway, back to Joy- it is different than happiness. Happiness depends on circumstance. It can be manipulated and forced, but joy comes from the deep part of your soul. What you have planted there springs forth in the dry times. It is sort of your "reserve". When you get to the point where you tap in to that reserve, you will see for yourself what is planted there. The good, the bad, and yes- the ugly.
Today I just wanted to scream....out of fear, disappointment, and yes, anger. I'm barely on week 2 of my 8 week restriction and I felt like doing whatever I felt like doing, w/o worry of how much it weighed, etc. and then I did and I was instantly regretting my ridiculous decision b/c now I really could feel the pain and like a ding-dong I didn't take my med on time, etc. You get the picture. I handled today with as much grace and poise as a chimpanzee.
Cade asked me why I had to be sick. "I don't know." "What sickness do you have mommy?" "I have cancer, honey. It stays hidden inside of you, but when it is found it needs to come out and then you're given strong medicine to help you get better." "Will you be normal again after you lose your hair?"
As I was walking upstairs tonight, I thought of something. Aaron told me at the start of this that he thinks I should write a book. A title came to mind at a random moment- "Bald and Beautiful." I sort of laughed at the thought of the whole thing, when my phone rang and a wonderful woman called to encourage me and guess what? She is a breast cancer survivor, who told me a story about embracing the beauty in being bald. I had to share my title with her after that! She loved it. Through the tears and anguish, I can still see Him working in my life. He hasn't forgotten me.
"Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer.....the Lord will hear when I call to him.....In your anger do not sin......search your hearts and be silent.....trust in the Lord......You have filled my heart with greater joy......I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." Psalm 4
Yes, I'll most likely end up bald, but life is beautiful. It is for each of us. I am so glad the Lord reminds me of His goodness, doesn't leave me to self-destruct, forgives, heals, and He shows up and reminds me of these things every couple of days......
Sleep in peace tonight my friends.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Cute Conversations...
Tonight at bedtime, Cade launched into one of his "Chats". Let me say first off- I LOVE THEM!!! At 4 1/2 he is ready to take on the world with his wit and wisdom.
That being said, he turns to me as I begin praying and says, "Mom, what is sin?"
I explain to him exactly what it is. The wrong we do when we know we shouldn't. Sometimes doing things, saying things, or thinking things that are wrong. Or ignoring God- these are just a few we talked about. So he listens and then (no kidding) says, "mom, so when we do these and ask the Lord to forgive us for these things, will we keep doing them or do we stop?" ????(insert a pause) I explained that we should stop and do a 180 turn, learn from our mistakes and keep marching. He asks, "Well, what does God do with our sin? Does He have a great big dumpster for it? That has to smell if He does have one, and it should be HUGE because if everyone in our church sinned that would fill it right up." Me: "you are right Cade- we would fill it up. The saddest part is, is that the whole world sins and sins and sins. That would take too many dumpsters, more than we could count to keep it contained. It makes the heart of God so sad that something had to be done about it. The Bible tells us that He takes our sins and throws them as far as the East is from the West. But first, He sent His son Jesus to die on the cross for our sins so that all men could know what forgiveness is, if they ask for forgiveness and humble themselves by confessing the wrong they have done as sin, and ask the Lord Jesus Himself to come and live inside your heart then we can know for sure that we are saved." (John 3:16)
"Mom, what about the crackers and the juice part?" " Well, that is just that, crackers and juice. Niether one holds any power, but we take these two things as a reminder of what the Lord has done for us and to thank Him."
"But mom, you said it was communion and I know I have heard some people call it 'the Lord of the supper'."
"Yes, Cade, it is the Lord's supper."
"Well, when you finish praying make sure we thank God for throwing all our sin as far as He could. I don't want that stuff laying around."
From the mouths of babes- some of the deepest truths.
That being said, he turns to me as I begin praying and says, "Mom, what is sin?"
I explain to him exactly what it is. The wrong we do when we know we shouldn't. Sometimes doing things, saying things, or thinking things that are wrong. Or ignoring God- these are just a few we talked about. So he listens and then (no kidding) says, "mom, so when we do these and ask the Lord to forgive us for these things, will we keep doing them or do we stop?" ????(insert a pause) I explained that we should stop and do a 180 turn, learn from our mistakes and keep marching. He asks, "Well, what does God do with our sin? Does He have a great big dumpster for it? That has to smell if He does have one, and it should be HUGE because if everyone in our church sinned that would fill it right up." Me: "you are right Cade- we would fill it up. The saddest part is, is that the whole world sins and sins and sins. That would take too many dumpsters, more than we could count to keep it contained. It makes the heart of God so sad that something had to be done about it. The Bible tells us that He takes our sins and throws them as far as the East is from the West. But first, He sent His son Jesus to die on the cross for our sins so that all men could know what forgiveness is, if they ask for forgiveness and humble themselves by confessing the wrong they have done as sin, and ask the Lord Jesus Himself to come and live inside your heart then we can know for sure that we are saved." (John 3:16)
"Mom, what about the crackers and the juice part?" " Well, that is just that, crackers and juice. Niether one holds any power, but we take these two things as a reminder of what the Lord has done for us and to thank Him."
"But mom, you said it was communion and I know I have heard some people call it 'the Lord of the supper'."
"Yes, Cade, it is the Lord's supper."
"Well, when you finish praying make sure we thank God for throwing all our sin as far as He could. I don't want that stuff laying around."
From the mouths of babes- some of the deepest truths.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
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