Every Couple of Days....

Many people have asked me this question:
"Do you ever just get mad?" or said: "You don't have to be strong all the time."

The answer? To the first, YES, and to the second: You are absolutely right.

Today was a tough day for me. The gravity of knowing that many have fought this battle and some haven't made it sinks in deep on days like today.
The grief for what has been lost and what I have yet to go through weighs heavy on my mind. I HATE it. Tears seem to ebb and flow with no rhyme or reason. They just are there one minute and gone the next.

The fact that God is not taking me away from this situation, but giving me grace to go through it is comforting, but I just want to for one moment go back to my old life. To the care free (maybe a little less worry/fear) life when I didn't have to think about treatment options, tiredness, sleep, pain, Chemo, baldness, infections, scary side effects, re-occurrence, etc. The list could be endless.

It is late and I am tired, but sleep seems to be far away right now. I don't want to sound like a downer, but I do want to be honest. In life, I believe it is important to know who you are and to be who you are. No one else. Wow- if that isn't a difficult thing to do. I guess cancer has forced me to be more honest with what I am feeling mainly in part b/c I feel so overwhelmed at times I could bust. It helps to get it out. It is on these days where I have to make a conscious decision to CHOOSE JOY. It just doesn't come naturally. It is the same with LOVE. It is a choice we make. You don't just "fall out of love" with someone. You make a decision here, one there....it's a slow fade. Anyway,  back to Joy-  it is different than happiness. Happiness depends on circumstance. It can be manipulated and forced, but joy comes from the deep part of your soul. What you have planted there springs forth in the dry times. It is sort of your "reserve". When you get to the point where you tap in to that reserve, you will see for yourself what is planted there. The good, the bad, and yes- the ugly.

Today I just wanted to scream....out of fear, disappointment, and yes, anger. I'm barely on week 2 of my 8 week restriction and I felt like doing whatever I felt like doing, w/o worry of how much it weighed, etc. and then I did and I was instantly regretting my ridiculous decision b/c now I really could feel the pain and like a ding-dong I didn't take my med on time, etc. You get the picture. I handled today with as much grace and poise as a chimpanzee.

Cade asked me why I had to be sick. "I don't know." "What sickness do you have mommy?" "I have cancer, honey. It stays hidden inside of you, but when it is found it needs to come out and then you're given strong medicine to help you get better." "Will you be normal again after you lose your hair?"

As I was walking upstairs tonight, I thought of something. Aaron told me at the start of this that he thinks I should write a book. A title came to mind at a random moment- "Bald and Beautiful." I sort of laughed at the thought of the whole thing, when my phone rang and a wonderful woman called to encourage me and guess what? She is a breast cancer survivor, who told me a story about embracing the beauty in being bald. I had to share my title with her after that! She loved it. Through the tears and anguish, I can still see Him working in my life. He hasn't forgotten me.
"Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer.....the Lord will hear when I call to him.....In your anger do not sin......search your hearts and be silent.....trust in the Lord......You have filled my heart with greater joy......I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." Psalm 4
Yes, I'll most likely end up bald, but life is beautiful. It is for each of us. I am so glad the Lord reminds me of His goodness, doesn't leave me to self-destruct, forgives, heals, and He shows up and reminds me of these things every couple of days......

Sleep in peace tonight my friends.