Rain, Rain, Rain...

June 1st.

I looked at the past week in the rearview mirror.

Yes, I celebrated my 33rd birthday, but not before Aaron and I celebrated our 9th Anniversary. How is that possible? I love him more each year! =)

Libs is doing great! Rolling over....belly to back and now even back to belly. She giggles, grins, and is almost ready for some teeth! And real food! Her curls remain, yet her eyes are turning a lighter blue....simply a beauty!

Cade is thirlled for summer. His mohawk is getting cut tomorrow. He is anxiously awaiting Camp this year. A week full of fun, service in the kitchen (for me) and cabin leader (for Aaron).

Next month I am looking forward to celebrating my 2 year REMISSION!!! Praising Jesus!!!

I was out mowing shortly before writing this and you all know how I love to mow. While I was out there, Pandora was playing my favorite: Hymns for worship. That sounds all well and good, but I've been running. Both for exercise, and away from my daily readings. I know....not a great example for a Pastors Wife...

God and His great mercy allowed "How Great Thou Art" to play. The more it played the closer I felt Him. The rain started falling...Literally. A storm was blowing in. As the thunder rolled in the distance I started to have memories, fall like tears down my face. Thankful for the rain at this point b/c this girl can't do a pretty cry. I was in awesome wonder...considering all the worlds Thy hands have made. The work in my life, my families, my friends...I wanted to shout: MY GOD!!!! HOW GREAT THOU ART!!!!!

So I did.

In the midst of the rain.

While I mowed.

This broken girl has a long way to go ya'll. I hate writing sometimes. I hate sounding like a broken record to some or having people comment and/or recommend anti depressants.

It's my pride.

This Jesus girl hates to admit that she hurts. She struggles. And she sometimes HATES what shes gone through. But I'm keepin it real. Aaron keeps it real. God is good always...we just sometimes forget to praise Him for it daily.

Psalms 139 has been on my memorizing list for weeks now. As we (Aaron, myself, and my kids) journey in the way everlasting, we come across the things that hold us back....like anxious thoughts, offensive ways. But rest assured...He: The LORD of Hosts is there to guide us. He is fully capable and sufficient.

Where am I at with this?

Letting the rain fall. Letting the storm restore.




Allowing God to take back what I thought I'd given Him.

My heart is shouting, as joy fills my soul. He is good: even on the days that I'm running. It takes a storm sometimes, just to see How great He is!

Finding Normal...

I've been on a quest of finding my normal again.

Nothing has remained the same except my name. That may be a slight exaggeration, but not far from the truth.

Do you ever have those moments where you just want everything to be "normal" again? Funny thing is, when I think back to the times that I refer to as normal, they weren't that "normal" when I was in them.

I just got off the phone literally bawling with my mom. I want my normal back.

Like yesterday, let alone almost three years ago.

Every scar reminds me of where I've been and good things that God is doing. But I'm frustrated with some seemingly impossible barriers that have fallen in this path.

Let me just re-emphasize if I haven't already, that I HATE the side effects of treatment. Every person has a choice. For me I chose life, and with it, some pretty ugly meds. They run the gamut with side effects. Any and probably all have happened.

Time and time again I revisit this same exact spot of "sickandtiredofit".

I cry. Pray. Read scripture. Talk to people. Get angry. Cuss. Write. Blog. Cry some more.

Most of the time I get crazy looks, and remarks that go something like: "You have your life and now the rest of your life ahead of you....whats the big deal?" "You're treatment is over, its time to move on."

Recently a friend of mine broke her cell phone. She has been without it over a week now. She has forgotten appointments that were on the calendar. There is no reminder to keep important dates. Where am I going with this?

Life works well with a cell phone. You can keep everything in the palm of your hand. Snug in your pocket you can have your routine at your fingertips.

Our lives our much the same way. We get into routine and only when we are dumped out of it do we realize that we never had that much control anyway.

It wasn't my friends fault that her phone broke. It wasn't my fault that I got cancer. We can play the should-a-would-a-could-a game all day long and the end result is the same. Her phone is broke. Her normal is off.
I got cancer, and my normal is off...forever.  Understanding goes a lot further when we walk in anothers shoes, rather than with suggestions in words.

There aren't words to fix it.

Sometimes the best way to fix things is to let them be broken a while.
In this season of rest, I'm learning that I am still broken. Still growing. Still seeing the Goodness of the Lord in the Land of the Living.

But it hurts y'all.

Big time.

This new mama is keeping busy these days. Cade, Libbi, and yes, my goats. AND now I have some ducks. You can't have a pond without some ducks!

Keep the faith.

I promise, I'll keep trying too.

If you see my normal out there somewhere, send it my way. Until then, I'm starting fresh. Clean.
Living this dream with my life in front of me, one minute at a time....

Taking heart...

Good morning!

Well, actually another rainy day here. We are officially "removed" from the drought ban that has been on us for quite some time! Yeah!

A recap-

Cade is doing great. He continues to love school and is growing like crazy. Literally. He now has feet as big as my own, and his hands are almost the same size as mine. Where has the time flown to? My precious little baby boy of 8lbs is now a growing boy soon to be out of size 8 clothing. *sigh* He has grown up overnight. Especially since we have had Libbi. He is such a gem!

Speaking of Libs, she too is enjoying great health and growth. At almost 3 months old she now weighs 15 lbs, has continued to sleep through the night since we brought her home. She rolls over, smiles and coos. I love each stage they go through. Her favorite things are mommy and her bottle. She is a doll!

Aaron is still serving as pastor for our church. He is doing a great job. I'm so proud of him and the growth I've seen take place for all of us. Such a great sense of humor and dedication to all he does. What a guy!

As for myself, I am enjoying remission still! PTL!!! Had an appointment last week and all is stable and clear. What a relief! My writing, reading and hobbies have taken a slight hiatus for a bit as vacations happen, school is drawing to a quick close, and obligations have set in.

Each day is a gift. For all of us. My book is still in editing, yet would ask you to pray for my mom's dear friend Sherry and business partner. She is battling cancer for the second time and things are not as we had hoped. There is so much more I could fill you in on and will if time permits. So many things I  have been learning. Exciting opportunities. New changes. All of life is changing. A bit at a time, sort of like our Spring this year.

Don't lose hope. This season WILL come. It will have it's time and end, and then another new season will begin. It is right. Fitting. Just as it was created. And so it is with our lives.  I'm learning to cling to him as Cade grows up. Hold on to Him for wisdom concerning being a pastors wife. Strap myself to His chest as I learn to raise my children in the wisdom of the Lord, walk beside friends as they fight for life, love people as I should love and live my life through each season as I've been entrusted with to do. It is hard. I'm struggling, but find my salvation in His hands and in this verse:


"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." Ps. 27:13-14

Much love,

Erin

Winter snow....

We are under two feet of snow! Crazy!!!

Puts me in mind of the good ole days of Michigan, Echo Valley, Sledding, Skiing, Ah, the memories!

While wrapped in white, we (four) are settling in with games and movies. Hot Chocolate, popcorn, and the works! The little one sleeps while we eat. When she eats, we'd all like to be sleeping. And thus goes the cycle! =) We are loving every minute of it!

The power was off for about an hour and then came flashing back on. Oh are we thankful for electricity! The snow has now slowed, maybe even stopped. The baby sleeps, yet again. The boys are playing battleship in the basement and I am taking a minute to write.

I have been catching up with my reading schedule and I am currently in Job. (Yes I know...I'm still behind) but I have really enjoyed it. I have come to see a different side of the man who was tested beyond imagination. The guy who wept at the graves of his children while his friends criticized him for sinning. Wrong-doing. The suffering MUST have been a result of Job's sin. Right?

No.

I took the book and read and re-read through each chapter. I loved the part in his struggle where he attempts to wade through the murky mire of frustration while trying to argue FOR God, and wrestling with his own questions and anger TOWARDS Him.

Oh, How we've been there. Each of us on our knees. Bowed low because of some circumstance.

The snow drifts -much like our doubt. Yet melts as soon as the sun shines again. Somewhere between the cloudy snowstorm our faith seems buried in the powder white, crystal-like beauty. Packaged beauty in fragile little flakes. Each one different. Unique.

Unlike our first snowstorm, this one occurred when the temperatures were above freezing.
All the while, as the cold bites the soft skin on our cheeks, chaps our noses and freezes our eyelashes, I am reminded that even though our questions often times go unanswered....He is faithful. Even when we are faithless. The snow that is carried by the wind is still the breath of God moving through this earth, touching us every time we step outside. The wind carries the Lords command of action for the day. Rain. Snow. Whatever He wills.

Like Job: "I know that my redeemer lives, and that in the end He will stand on the earth....I myself will see him with my own eyes-I, and not another..." (Job 19:25-27)

The snow is melting. It melts because it is supposed to. Winter is never forever.

The fresh aroma of homemade chicken noodles hangs heavily in the air. Almost overpowered by the water/burn aroma smoldering next to it. I have no excuse. While I was writing, I forgot the boiling potatoes on the stove next to it.

Oops. =)

My thoughts today have often turned to the powerful words of Job's friends. How mis-guided, though well-intended. (I hope) How we've been here too! Oy!!!

Much like my burned water smell and the drifting snow banks of snow and the doubt that piles high during frustrating setbacks and devastating times........He (THE Lord) is sovereign. Good. Faithful.

The redeemer that Job praised? Yes, He lives! And one day when we see Him? He will cover our ugly doubt. Anger. Frustration.  Mis-guided words.

And He will make us pure.
White.

Just like the winter snow...

Thank you!

I just past 9pm as I sit down to write.

Where did this day go? This week? Even this year?!?! Since I wrote last we have celebrated Aaron's 29th birthday again....ahem. Valentines has come and gone. St. Patty's day is quickly approaching.

Aaron and I were just saying that we cannot remember a time in our lives where we felt more fulfilled. Life is always changing. But reaching this milestone in our lives where we have determined to be content, we are surprised that we are. Content, I mean. It isn't easy and won't be, but the assurance that as we seek His face, He will take us to higher ground. For now, for us, that means learning to be content and staying there though the way seems straight.

Cade is doing a great job as a big brother. He continues to keep us laughing with his hilarious comments- like asking me (in the middle of teaching PE) if my class was a democracy. ??? I love that boy!!!

Libbi is growing like a weed. She is officially 3 weeks old, and is sleeping 9-10 hours at night straight. She started this when we first got home. She smiles, coos, and holds her head better each day. We aren't quite out of newborn outfits, but pushing it and her hair...lets just say she has a lot and it sticks straight up! I love it!

Aaron is doing a fabulous job at church. We've been there close to 6 months now. Whew! It still feels so new! It is growing and keeping us busy. We are learning much, and love working together!

I am learning a lot too. Keeps me hopping with being a family of 4 now. I can't think of any other mother who gets to hold their babies while they fan themselves through a hot flash, but I'm loving it. For real!

Our family has been so blessed by so many of you! Thank you for your prayers, the gifts you have sent and the cards of encouragement! You will never know just how much that has meant to us!

Mom, Dad, and Sherry were able to come down for a visit last week. We loved having them and Cade loved to have his G'ma and G'pa time with them.

Our church family and some friends gave me a HUGE baby shower for Libbi and completely overwhelmed us with their generosity! Amazing!

My head keeps reminding me that I don't deserve it, but my heart soaks it in, parched after many years of self-defeating thoughts. I'm thankful for so much in my life I believe I could write all night. But I won't. For now I just wanted to leave you with an update on the family and let you know just how much you are all appreciated!!! Thank you!

My Secret....

I have a little secret.

To some, it may not be much.

I have told two people about my little idea, but they don't know that I've already started.

This year I get to celebrate my 33rd birthday. I feel about 60 most days. Regardless of my fleeting feelings or pains, I am THRILLED to celebrate life. Life abundantly. Abundant living.

My crazy plan began about the beginning of the year. I am endeavoring to come up with 33 random acts of kindness that I can give to others as my present to myself. To be honest, I was having some difficulty at first coming up with things I could do for someone, to someone, or just plan help with. I needed to start somewhere so I began with number 1. Then 2. Then I lost count. They came faster than I could keep track of.

I had decided to give myself this early gift because my birthday weekend falls on a holiday weekend and is crazy busy for our family.

You get the picture...nutzo.

This has been the BEST gift ever. Seriously. You each need to try it. Come up with stuff. Make some stuff. Need ideas? I'll share a few...

First I began going through every closet, nook and cranny I could find to de-clutter my home. I loved my stuff. I "needed" my stuff. I re-homed my stuff to individuals who needed it more.

I gave away my favorite purse to a stranger who said they liked it.

I made a purchase and gave a $$$ tip.

Helped push an invalid in his wheelchair as his elderly wife brought the car around. He asked me to go fast, so I did. (We both about got killed but) what a blast!

Picked up the neighbors trash and trashcans blowing around our street on a windy day.

In that moment, in the breeze, I heard His whisper...this is life. Living abundantly.

I don't always have those God moments, but I know He's there.

Why shouldn't I give away my stuff to others? Sometimes when we give, it doesn't hurt so we begin to grow accustomed to that feeling of giving without hurting and think that maybe when we give, it should never hurt.

I don't think Jesus gave a painless sacrifice.

As I mentioned, I have lost track. I have never had so many moments that just took my breath away; that I felt the very presence of the Lord; that I felt like I was beginning to see things as if for the first time. Each thing different. Happy people. Not so happy people. Grateful people, and not so grateful people. Either way they took it didn't matter to me.

My heartbeat picks up just a bit each time. I get that anticipation feeling when unwrapping each event. Like a Happy Birthday to me...everyday.

Makes this broken girl want to dance. Sing.

Sometimes I feel like a little girl again....with my little secret.

Overdue....part 2