Since he could talk, Cade would always wake up and say..."Good morning world." I have it on tape of some of the first attempts. SO CUTE! We still say the same thing each morning. Some mornings have a little more alertness, or less enthusiasm, etc. You get my meaning! =)
Today being one of the lesser enthusiastic days.........we sorta grumbled it out. It's been a stressful week:
-Sick child since Friday
-3rd round of Chemo....they forgot my pre-meds so I am sick....again
-Neighbors pit bull dogs attempting to dig under the fence to visit with "Cody" our dog. (Unfortunately I cannot use a BB gun in town)
-Cade decided to finish his "artwork" by coloring some more yellow on the wall. (he previously used crayon, paint and colored pencils....truly believing I would be very proud!)
-house is a disaster not to mention fruit flies are on the rise
-sick and tired of being sick and tired
-and just having one of those plain old fashioned pity party days.
But you know what???
Life isn't measured in all the successes of life. It is measured by the times we get back up when we fall. I am SO incredibly thankful to have a great prognosis and to be able to have bad days knowing that great ones are around the bend. Some aren't so lucky. My time for feeling sorry for myself is over....at least for today. =) We don't always see the purpose in struggling through days like today, but we have today. Take hold of it. Get out of the pit, so to speak. Life is about choices. So even in the bad days... there is always some kind of wonderful to be found.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Doing my praise Dance.....
PET Scan results came back today.....no evidence of any more cancer in my body!!! I was so thrilled with the news that I just started crying. I asked the doctor 3 different times if what I was hearing was correct. He said, "So how is it, being a phenomenon?" I asked him what he meant and he said...."Erin, there is no medical explaination for why you have cancer. You don't fit any of the descriptions or the prior knowledge that we have of someone who has had this cancer. You are negative for the aggressive type, negative for the gene passed person to person, and no family history....basically we don't know why you had what you had, but you did and now it is gone."
PRAISE THE LORD!!!!
The lump under my arm showed negative for cancer and inflammation. So, I will go on Tuesday to have an ultrasound and see the general surgeon about draining what they think is a cyst. They have a professional word for it that escapes me at the moment. I also will have to go to physical therapy for lymphedema and regaining motion of my arm.
Thank you, thank you for your prayers! God is GOOD.
Continuing to thank the Lord and giving Him all the glory!!!
It's time to dance......
PRAISE THE LORD!!!!
The lump under my arm showed negative for cancer and inflammation. So, I will go on Tuesday to have an ultrasound and see the general surgeon about draining what they think is a cyst. They have a professional word for it that escapes me at the moment. I also will have to go to physical therapy for lymphedema and regaining motion of my arm.
Thank you, thank you for your prayers! God is GOOD.
Continuing to thank the Lord and giving Him all the glory!!!
It's time to dance......
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Questions and Answers.......
I mentioned earlier that I get a TON of questions. I know a lot of folks are curious as to what is going on, what I am feeling, etc. So, instead of repeating and repeating I will write a few Q and A's......(bear with me....after so long - like I've said- things get funny)
Q: Does your head hurt?
A: Yes, right now it does. The hair folicles are falling out and it feels sort of like a bad sunburn all over. This will pass and I should begin to have hair grow back in about 5-6 weeks. (thank goodness) =)
Q: Do you have a lot of pain?
A: Not really. I am numb from about my rib cage to my collar bone on both sides and I can't feel anything under my left arm. I can tell if something is against it, but not hot, cold, or any pain. I do get "phantom pains" once and a while....very strange. Tenderness, but not "pain"
Q: Do you like your wig?
A: No. =) I'd rather have hair.
Q: Do you think about "cancer" all the time?
A: Not really. Often, but not all the time. You sort of come to an unreal/acceptance and then move on. It's always there, but the decision is daily whether or not you want to live with it or it live with you. I don't mind that people knowing, but I don't want to be a walking billboard either. Cancer is something I have, not who I am.
Q: Are you limited with what you can do?
A: Somewhat- I still am at approx. a 40 lb. weight restriction. My left arm is not at full range of motion yet. I notice I am tired more easily in simple things like my daily walks, staying up late, etc. I don't have much of an appetite but have to eat to stay well.
Q: How are Aaron and Cade doing with it?
A: Aaron is doing great. He is very supportive and is positive I am going to lick this thing. Cade is doing better. He struggles having a mommy w/o hair at home when none of his friends do. But, then he will think that same thing is "awesome" b/c he thinks my head feels "cool".
Q: Do you like the Chemo?
A: Ummm...NO.
Q: Where do you get your daily shots?
A: In the stomach.
Q: Do you get tired of people asking about it?
A: That depends.......when I hear encouragement, scripture, prayers, those kinds of things that is wonderful. When I hear of some not so successful stories, well lets just say that gets a little difficult to hear a lot of. I understand the reality, but realistically- if this were you- how would you respond to someone who comes up and talks of someone who lost the same battle you are fighting? Believe me, I am NOT upset over this- people have the best of intentions. It is just difficult to keep your chin up under that.
Q: What are your spring/summer plans?
A: Easter Play-VBS-Brothers wedding-travels-and moving(again) in the middle of there somewhere. (I guess the Lord knew we needed a distraction!)
Q: How do you feel when you look in the mirror?
A: It took me a while, but I see someone who was made in the image of God created uniquely, gifted individually, and like you, is precious in His sight. Scars? Yes.....it is still difficult to believe at times. Baldness? Yes......tears are my close friend- its sort of like a healing rain.
Q: What has been the most surprising?
A: I have really learned a LOT about truly living. Abundant life- living.
Q: What have I learned the most thru this?
A: I would have to say I have learned to love myself. Be myself. That faith is REAL and it also brings miracles. When you go through a crisis you have two choices- do you believe? Or don't you? It boils down to that one simple question. If you do.......you can move mountains. Believe me...I have seen it happen first hand and am praying for it tomorrow as I have my PET Scan. I am full of questions, but I know.............Jesus has all the answers.
Q: Does your head hurt?
A: Yes, right now it does. The hair folicles are falling out and it feels sort of like a bad sunburn all over. This will pass and I should begin to have hair grow back in about 5-6 weeks. (thank goodness) =)
Q: Do you have a lot of pain?
A: Not really. I am numb from about my rib cage to my collar bone on both sides and I can't feel anything under my left arm. I can tell if something is against it, but not hot, cold, or any pain. I do get "phantom pains" once and a while....very strange. Tenderness, but not "pain"
Q: Do you like your wig?
A: No. =) I'd rather have hair.
Q: Do you think about "cancer" all the time?
A: Not really. Often, but not all the time. You sort of come to an unreal/acceptance and then move on. It's always there, but the decision is daily whether or not you want to live with it or it live with you. I don't mind that people knowing, but I don't want to be a walking billboard either. Cancer is something I have, not who I am.
Q: Are you limited with what you can do?
A: Somewhat- I still am at approx. a 40 lb. weight restriction. My left arm is not at full range of motion yet. I notice I am tired more easily in simple things like my daily walks, staying up late, etc. I don't have much of an appetite but have to eat to stay well.
Q: How are Aaron and Cade doing with it?
A: Aaron is doing great. He is very supportive and is positive I am going to lick this thing. Cade is doing better. He struggles having a mommy w/o hair at home when none of his friends do. But, then he will think that same thing is "awesome" b/c he thinks my head feels "cool".
Q: Do you like the Chemo?
A: Ummm...NO.
Q: Where do you get your daily shots?
A: In the stomach.
Q: Do you get tired of people asking about it?
A: That depends.......when I hear encouragement, scripture, prayers, those kinds of things that is wonderful. When I hear of some not so successful stories, well lets just say that gets a little difficult to hear a lot of. I understand the reality, but realistically- if this were you- how would you respond to someone who comes up and talks of someone who lost the same battle you are fighting? Believe me, I am NOT upset over this- people have the best of intentions. It is just difficult to keep your chin up under that.
Q: What are your spring/summer plans?
A: Easter Play-VBS-Brothers wedding-travels-and moving(again) in the middle of there somewhere. (I guess the Lord knew we needed a distraction!)
Q: How do you feel when you look in the mirror?
A: It took me a while, but I see someone who was made in the image of God created uniquely, gifted individually, and like you, is precious in His sight. Scars? Yes.....it is still difficult to believe at times. Baldness? Yes......tears are my close friend- its sort of like a healing rain.
Q: What has been the most surprising?
A: I have really learned a LOT about truly living. Abundant life- living.
Q: What have I learned the most thru this?
A: I would have to say I have learned to love myself. Be myself. That faith is REAL and it also brings miracles. When you go through a crisis you have two choices- do you believe? Or don't you? It boils down to that one simple question. If you do.......you can move mountains. Believe me...I have seen it happen first hand and am praying for it tomorrow as I have my PET Scan. I am full of questions, but I know.............Jesus has all the answers.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Anyway.....
It has always fascinated me how life takes on new meaning from different perspectives. This weekend Aaron and I were able to go to the "Art of Marriage" Conference and came away so blessed. What a power packed weekend! Great friends, food and time to think.
One of the two things that I really loved about this weekend was a comment made about music....how the "clashing" sounds can only be made beautiful if each musicians eye is on the conductor. It isn't enough to be reading the same sheet music. It would sound terrible if not played out at the perfect timing.
uhfjdlweautrrrrutp4[rotroikjeiruou ruer rvuybnertu[toiqqti jmrby,][ybpylppl,pu (some words from Cade)
Another saying that I loved....that God won't protect you from what He will use (allow) to perfect you..... (by allowing us to go thru trials of various kinds). How true.
It was a great time to laugh and reflect. Outside of my cell phone ringing loudly in the middle of today's session and causing the couple behind us to divorce (just kidding) it was a very low key day, topped off with a great dinner put on by the youth from our church.
I know the thoughts are abstract at best today, but the weekend was one to remember. How do you put some things into words? The best memory for me from this weekend was when Aaron looked at me and said, "do you remember that old Randy Travis song 'I'm 'gonna love you forever'? (Just when I needed to hear this) "Well I never thought about it before, but I'm not 'in love with your hair' and since it all fell out, I still love you anyway....."
One of the two things that I really loved about this weekend was a comment made about music....how the "clashing" sounds can only be made beautiful if each musicians eye is on the conductor. It isn't enough to be reading the same sheet music. It would sound terrible if not played out at the perfect timing.
uhfjdlweautrrrrutp4[rotroikjeiruou ruer rvuybnertu[toiqqti jmrby,][ybpylppl,pu (some words from Cade)
Another saying that I loved....that God won't protect you from what He will use (allow) to perfect you..... (by allowing us to go thru trials of various kinds). How true.
It was a great time to laugh and reflect. Outside of my cell phone ringing loudly in the middle of today's session and causing the couple behind us to divorce (just kidding) it was a very low key day, topped off with a great dinner put on by the youth from our church.
I know the thoughts are abstract at best today, but the weekend was one to remember. How do you put some things into words? The best memory for me from this weekend was when Aaron looked at me and said, "do you remember that old Randy Travis song 'I'm 'gonna love you forever'? (Just when I needed to hear this) "Well I never thought about it before, but I'm not 'in love with your hair' and since it all fell out, I still love you anyway....."
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Resting in today....
Today finds me doing a lot of nothing. Resting. Feeling much better after round two, than one- that is for sure! =)
Cade was at a friends house until this afternoon. Allowing me to get some much needed sleep and catch up around here after tx. On tx. days, I am gone for about 7-8 hours. I will try to post pictures of it sometime. It really is quite interesting. I learn something new each time I go. We are all on first name basis now. I continue to go in for daily shots. UGHh...They did try to talk my insurance into letting me give myself the injections. That would be possible if I would pay the $18,000 price that they won't if I decided to do that. I think I will just go for the daily travels in to the Hospital at that! It's only approx 6 more weeks.
PET Scan is on Monday. Praying that ALL is NEGATIVE!!! They are watching another lump under my arm. Tried very unsucessfully not to panic! But, I have a lot of confidence in the Dr's and their wisdom. I know for a fact that my Oncologist puts his faith in the Lord. So reassuring.
Working on some material for our women's retreat coming up in the end of March. I have the privilede of speaking at two different times on two different questions: "I wonder if God cares about me?" and "I wonder where God is when life is hard?" I am very excited about doing this. It is amazing as things come together for this, how the Lord shows you just what to share and different things He has brought you through! It is like looking at a journal and seeing just how important it is for us to write things down so we don't forget. He is there, He does care, and He is so in love with each one of us.
I hope this finds you all well and resting in today, knowing that He is in complete control and no matter what we are facing.....He loves us and He IS good.
Cade was at a friends house until this afternoon. Allowing me to get some much needed sleep and catch up around here after tx. On tx. days, I am gone for about 7-8 hours. I will try to post pictures of it sometime. It really is quite interesting. I learn something new each time I go. We are all on first name basis now. I continue to go in for daily shots. UGHh...They did try to talk my insurance into letting me give myself the injections. That would be possible if I would pay the $18,000 price that they won't if I decided to do that. I think I will just go for the daily travels in to the Hospital at that! It's only approx 6 more weeks.
PET Scan is on Monday. Praying that ALL is NEGATIVE!!! They are watching another lump under my arm. Tried very unsucessfully not to panic! But, I have a lot of confidence in the Dr's and their wisdom. I know for a fact that my Oncologist puts his faith in the Lord. So reassuring.
Working on some material for our women's retreat coming up in the end of March. I have the privilede of speaking at two different times on two different questions: "I wonder if God cares about me?" and "I wonder where God is when life is hard?" I am very excited about doing this. It is amazing as things come together for this, how the Lord shows you just what to share and different things He has brought you through! It is like looking at a journal and seeing just how important it is for us to write things down so we don't forget. He is there, He does care, and He is so in love with each one of us.
I hope this finds you all well and resting in today, knowing that He is in complete control and no matter what we are facing.....He loves us and He IS good.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Funny.....
This past week we have been snowed in. Literally. We had about 14 inches and places that were 4-5 feet drifts. This is SO not usual for our area. Aaron spent some time yesterday shoveling and the city guys worked tirelessly through the night getting each and every street cleaned!
Cade's snow tunnel has become an igloo. LOL!
Being indoors has allowed for a lot of family time and some hilarious moments!
Cade: "Mom, I am going to ask for prayer for you at church."
Me: "O? That is nice...(cautiously) what are you going to ask for?"
Cade: "Just for help for you b/c you are struggling and very conflicted."
Me: "Really? I don't feel that way, why would you say that?"
Cade: "Well for one, how in the world are you supposed to decide which wig to wear and which hat and scarf to go with it? You have so many I just think it would be 'conflicting' for a girl like you to decided what to wear!"
Me: LOL!
Earlier this week, I had an appointment that I was enroute to with a friend. We stopped and ate, and while there I looked down in the bowl of creamers that was sitting on the table and said, "hey Rachelle, do want some creamer?" She looked down at it and there was all this hair (GROSSSSSSS) in the bowl. I looked at her and said, "Well, at least I can tell you for absolute sure that it is NOT mine!" We laughed and laughed and she was like, "You are right, you do have black humor!"
I am on a daily shot of this stuff called Nupagen (sp?). It has been painless up until this point. The point of this injection is to increase white blood cells to keep me from being sick and to boost my body in preparation for the next Chemo. (Monday) The day before yesterday began with feeling the side effects from this medication. Extreme bone pain. It is primarily in my lower back and hips. I am not one to complain much, but I will tell you- IT HURTS! It is sort of difficult to explain, but it most of the time it simply throbs which is managable w/ Tylenol and laying low for a time. Sometimes, however, when it gets intense it suddenly hits and literally drops you to your knees. Well, it was one of those moments where I was in the kitchen fixing dinner and out of no where it hit and dropped me to my knees and Cade says, "Mom! You need to be careful! This is NOT a race. If you scare me like that again, you don't get any dessert! (shaking his finger at me) You are working yourself to the corner!" Don't worry, the falling doesn't happen very often but with Cade, the laughter is a constant! What a joy!
I have learned that if you see the humerous in each and every situation, and believe me it is there, then life takes on a brighter picture. It isn't that this doesn't stink. We already know cancer is NO fun. (duh) But, when you look at every reactions and people in general, we are all so different and made up with our own quirks that to truly enjoy the big picture, you have to include humor in it. Because face it - Life and people are sometimes just plain funny....
Cade's snow tunnel has become an igloo. LOL!
Being indoors has allowed for a lot of family time and some hilarious moments!
Cade: "Mom, I am going to ask for prayer for you at church."
Me: "O? That is nice...(cautiously) what are you going to ask for?"
Cade: "Just for help for you b/c you are struggling and very conflicted."
Me: "Really? I don't feel that way, why would you say that?"
Cade: "Well for one, how in the world are you supposed to decide which wig to wear and which hat and scarf to go with it? You have so many I just think it would be 'conflicting' for a girl like you to decided what to wear!"
Me: LOL!
Earlier this week, I had an appointment that I was enroute to with a friend. We stopped and ate, and while there I looked down in the bowl of creamers that was sitting on the table and said, "hey Rachelle, do want some creamer?" She looked down at it and there was all this hair (GROSSSSSSS) in the bowl. I looked at her and said, "Well, at least I can tell you for absolute sure that it is NOT mine!" We laughed and laughed and she was like, "You are right, you do have black humor!"
I am on a daily shot of this stuff called Nupagen (sp?). It has been painless up until this point. The point of this injection is to increase white blood cells to keep me from being sick and to boost my body in preparation for the next Chemo. (Monday) The day before yesterday began with feeling the side effects from this medication. Extreme bone pain. It is primarily in my lower back and hips. I am not one to complain much, but I will tell you- IT HURTS! It is sort of difficult to explain, but it most of the time it simply throbs which is managable w/ Tylenol and laying low for a time. Sometimes, however, when it gets intense it suddenly hits and literally drops you to your knees. Well, it was one of those moments where I was in the kitchen fixing dinner and out of no where it hit and dropped me to my knees and Cade says, "Mom! You need to be careful! This is NOT a race. If you scare me like that again, you don't get any dessert! (shaking his finger at me) You are working yourself to the corner!" Don't worry, the falling doesn't happen very often but with Cade, the laughter is a constant! What a joy!
I have learned that if you see the humerous in each and every situation, and believe me it is there, then life takes on a brighter picture. It isn't that this doesn't stink. We already know cancer is NO fun. (duh) But, when you look at every reactions and people in general, we are all so different and made up with our own quirks that to truly enjoy the big picture, you have to include humor in it. Because face it - Life and people are sometimes just plain funny....
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Bald and thinking of something beautiful......
So today was the day. My hair was fine if I didn't touch it, but then kept coming out and shedding everywhere. Gross I know! I will spare you the details....except to say that I am now bald. The funny part, was when Aaron was cutting my hair he says, "wow! You've got a great head! Mine is full of dips and crevices...I have head-envy!" LOL! You have to laugh going through this. Yes, those are tears in the eyes. None of this is easy. Have a great day blog readers! =)
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