Winter snow....

We are under two feet of snow! Crazy!!!

Puts me in mind of the good ole days of Michigan, Echo Valley, Sledding, Skiing, Ah, the memories!

While wrapped in white, we (four) are settling in with games and movies. Hot Chocolate, popcorn, and the works! The little one sleeps while we eat. When she eats, we'd all like to be sleeping. And thus goes the cycle! =) We are loving every minute of it!

The power was off for about an hour and then came flashing back on. Oh are we thankful for electricity! The snow has now slowed, maybe even stopped. The baby sleeps, yet again. The boys are playing battleship in the basement and I am taking a minute to write.

I have been catching up with my reading schedule and I am currently in Job. (Yes I know...I'm still behind) but I have really enjoyed it. I have come to see a different side of the man who was tested beyond imagination. The guy who wept at the graves of his children while his friends criticized him for sinning. Wrong-doing. The suffering MUST have been a result of Job's sin. Right?

No.

I took the book and read and re-read through each chapter. I loved the part in his struggle where he attempts to wade through the murky mire of frustration while trying to argue FOR God, and wrestling with his own questions and anger TOWARDS Him.

Oh, How we've been there. Each of us on our knees. Bowed low because of some circumstance.

The snow drifts -much like our doubt. Yet melts as soon as the sun shines again. Somewhere between the cloudy snowstorm our faith seems buried in the powder white, crystal-like beauty. Packaged beauty in fragile little flakes. Each one different. Unique.

Unlike our first snowstorm, this one occurred when the temperatures were above freezing.
All the while, as the cold bites the soft skin on our cheeks, chaps our noses and freezes our eyelashes, I am reminded that even though our questions often times go unanswered....He is faithful. Even when we are faithless. The snow that is carried by the wind is still the breath of God moving through this earth, touching us every time we step outside. The wind carries the Lords command of action for the day. Rain. Snow. Whatever He wills.

Like Job: "I know that my redeemer lives, and that in the end He will stand on the earth....I myself will see him with my own eyes-I, and not another..." (Job 19:25-27)

The snow is melting. It melts because it is supposed to. Winter is never forever.

The fresh aroma of homemade chicken noodles hangs heavily in the air. Almost overpowered by the water/burn aroma smoldering next to it. I have no excuse. While I was writing, I forgot the boiling potatoes on the stove next to it.

Oops. =)

My thoughts today have often turned to the powerful words of Job's friends. How mis-guided, though well-intended. (I hope) How we've been here too! Oy!!!

Much like my burned water smell and the drifting snow banks of snow and the doubt that piles high during frustrating setbacks and devastating times........He (THE Lord) is sovereign. Good. Faithful.

The redeemer that Job praised? Yes, He lives! And one day when we see Him? He will cover our ugly doubt. Anger. Frustration.  Mis-guided words.

And He will make us pure.
White.

Just like the winter snow...

Thank you!

I just past 9pm as I sit down to write.

Where did this day go? This week? Even this year?!?! Since I wrote last we have celebrated Aaron's 29th birthday again....ahem. Valentines has come and gone. St. Patty's day is quickly approaching.

Aaron and I were just saying that we cannot remember a time in our lives where we felt more fulfilled. Life is always changing. But reaching this milestone in our lives where we have determined to be content, we are surprised that we are. Content, I mean. It isn't easy and won't be, but the assurance that as we seek His face, He will take us to higher ground. For now, for us, that means learning to be content and staying there though the way seems straight.

Cade is doing a great job as a big brother. He continues to keep us laughing with his hilarious comments- like asking me (in the middle of teaching PE) if my class was a democracy. ??? I love that boy!!!

Libbi is growing like a weed. She is officially 3 weeks old, and is sleeping 9-10 hours at night straight. She started this when we first got home. She smiles, coos, and holds her head better each day. We aren't quite out of newborn outfits, but pushing it and her hair...lets just say she has a lot and it sticks straight up! I love it!

Aaron is doing a fabulous job at church. We've been there close to 6 months now. Whew! It still feels so new! It is growing and keeping us busy. We are learning much, and love working together!

I am learning a lot too. Keeps me hopping with being a family of 4 now. I can't think of any other mother who gets to hold their babies while they fan themselves through a hot flash, but I'm loving it. For real!

Our family has been so blessed by so many of you! Thank you for your prayers, the gifts you have sent and the cards of encouragement! You will never know just how much that has meant to us!

Mom, Dad, and Sherry were able to come down for a visit last week. We loved having them and Cade loved to have his G'ma and G'pa time with them.

Our church family and some friends gave me a HUGE baby shower for Libbi and completely overwhelmed us with their generosity! Amazing!

My head keeps reminding me that I don't deserve it, but my heart soaks it in, parched after many years of self-defeating thoughts. I'm thankful for so much in my life I believe I could write all night. But I won't. For now I just wanted to leave you with an update on the family and let you know just how much you are all appreciated!!! Thank you!

My Secret....

I have a little secret.

To some, it may not be much.

I have told two people about my little idea, but they don't know that I've already started.

This year I get to celebrate my 33rd birthday. I feel about 60 most days. Regardless of my fleeting feelings or pains, I am THRILLED to celebrate life. Life abundantly. Abundant living.

My crazy plan began about the beginning of the year. I am endeavoring to come up with 33 random acts of kindness that I can give to others as my present to myself. To be honest, I was having some difficulty at first coming up with things I could do for someone, to someone, or just plan help with. I needed to start somewhere so I began with number 1. Then 2. Then I lost count. They came faster than I could keep track of.

I had decided to give myself this early gift because my birthday weekend falls on a holiday weekend and is crazy busy for our family.

You get the picture...nutzo.

This has been the BEST gift ever. Seriously. You each need to try it. Come up with stuff. Make some stuff. Need ideas? I'll share a few...

First I began going through every closet, nook and cranny I could find to de-clutter my home. I loved my stuff. I "needed" my stuff. I re-homed my stuff to individuals who needed it more.

I gave away my favorite purse to a stranger who said they liked it.

I made a purchase and gave a $$$ tip.

Helped push an invalid in his wheelchair as his elderly wife brought the car around. He asked me to go fast, so I did. (We both about got killed but) what a blast!

Picked up the neighbors trash and trashcans blowing around our street on a windy day.

In that moment, in the breeze, I heard His whisper...this is life. Living abundantly.

I don't always have those God moments, but I know He's there.

Why shouldn't I give away my stuff to others? Sometimes when we give, it doesn't hurt so we begin to grow accustomed to that feeling of giving without hurting and think that maybe when we give, it should never hurt.

I don't think Jesus gave a painless sacrifice.

As I mentioned, I have lost track. I have never had so many moments that just took my breath away; that I felt the very presence of the Lord; that I felt like I was beginning to see things as if for the first time. Each thing different. Happy people. Not so happy people. Grateful people, and not so grateful people. Either way they took it didn't matter to me.

My heartbeat picks up just a bit each time. I get that anticipation feeling when unwrapping each event. Like a Happy Birthday to me...everyday.

Makes this broken girl want to dance. Sing.

Sometimes I feel like a little girl again....with my little secret.

Overdue....part 2

Resolution..........

Just before Christmas I had a revelation. A big one.

You know what I mean? The kind that stop you in your tracks and make you ponder it. Pray about it. Put it on the back burner until you can finish thinking the thing through. Do you know what I mean?

The decorations had been up for weeks. Presents were purchased, wrapped and under the tree in record time.

In the early hours one morning as Aaron had just left for work, I sat in my chair doing my devotions.
I had been trying to keep my old resolution of reading through the Bible in a year. Again. And I didn't do so hot.

Again.

Anyone following me?

Regardless, I decided to read The Christmas Story.

People waiting in expectation for something that was different that what they thought.

Jesus. King of Kings........in a manger. A baby is not exactly throne-potential, but nonetheless they worshipped Him. Gave Him everything. Why? Because they believed in Him.

I caught myself being a bit melancholy as the season approached. Until I had realized the reason. It boiled down to this. I was disappointed. I was feeling let down by the swaddled wrapped King. I had felt as if I'd been given a promise of a baby. A girl. Surely it would be by now, right?

But you know what? He hadn't said yes up to this point. I wasn't feeling like a "no" but waiting, hoping, praying, and holding out- Wait. Was that it? The WAITING? Waiting for something I thought He was going to give me? Holding out for it and at the same time holding that part of me out too? Not volunteering b/c I "may" get a baby. Not making the extra room into an office because "what if" was an all too familiar question that had plagued us for 5 long disappointing years.

The disappointment by those who were intent on worshiping the King was short lived by the worshipers. God heard. He knew. He provided.

He did the same for me. He gave me life. My husband. My son. Our church. This heart to adopt? Perhaps he gave us that to love HIS children as He loves us. To love on them as we would our own.

I began to see what He HAD given us. The "yes's" were EVERYWHERE.

I was on to something. The part of my heart I held back, led to me not giving my all in others areas. All because I thought I KNEW what I was looking for. Sorta like putting a baby on a throne to rule. Seems sorta silly now as I look through hindsight. God has given me more than I ever hoped for.

The weight of the 5 years of waiting was gone. Lifted.
I felt joy. The old Erin coming around again. I'd been so focused on waiting for the Royal purple and crowned figure to just pop up out of the crowd, that I was overlooking the King of Kings in the manger. Born that we would have life. Shown to the shepherds who raised sacrificial lambs as THE Lamb of God who would take away the sins of the world. Shown to men who thought themselves wise, that HE would be the only wise KING.

He promised me what? Himself. His presence. Emmanuel.

If we never adopt? All the "what ifs"? All of it is in His hands. But what are we going to do with what He HAS given us?

We will worship. We will serve Him.

Honestly?

I have no disappointment. TRULY. My heart is free. And when I bring my gifts to Him, they are with everything I have.

My new resolution? To stay in the word. Because even though I haven't been able to keep up my end of things, His Word is STILL changing me because He completed His....

PS
I did make a second resolution to redecorate the extra room into an office, but that will have to be part 2.
I was in the middle of repainting that room when.......

Healing is in Your Hands....

The nights don't seem as restless now. Only the occaisional insomnia remains. The scars are fading as time continues on. The steady cadence of rythym. Tick tock. So much to do and say and want and to fight for in those 60 seconds of beat. One at a time goes quickly past. And yet we remain. Almost all of us.

I struggle to comprehend the Maker at times. Not because of who He is but His ways. So much higher than mine, I am often left to ponder what He is up to. But I'm never alone. He hears. He sees. He knows. He is Emmanuel. The God with us that remains through each ticking of time. Through the steady rythym of life. Far past the twinkling of lights and the tinsel on trees.

Every breath is precious. Every life is sacred...being a part of who HE is. His image.

My thoughts run to the absolute opposites that inhabit our days. I recieve good news. (praise!!!) Yet I read of a sweet friend who is struggling. Grasping at life as evening begins to fade into midnight as her days are almost numbered to the exact completion of the One who breathed them into being. An absolute. Total. Each one counted by name.

I find it difficult at times to grasp fully the questions and concerns that often permeate my day. "Why so down? You have your life in front of you!" "Don't worry about them, that isn't your life- it's theirs." "I can't understand the disappointment you feel at this point....hasn't He given you everything you prayed for?"

As a beautiful friend recently mentioned in her post- "I'm human!" Yes, we think. We feel. We have the same emotions. Different Gifts.

Mine is to write. To teach. To bring into black and white the vivid color pictures of our thoughts. The deepest longings of our hearts. They are real, though unreliable. And so is HE....

This past beginning...the NEW YEAR was a milestone for me. Two years. TWO YEARS. How can it be? Flipping through old photographs reminds me of the places I've been, encourages me on the road I'm on, and propells me forward to the places I'll go. Each one new. Unique. Especially for me. Just as they do for you.

I try not to judge, though I'm "blessed" with things like cussing thoughts. No, not words, but thoughts that if said would be as offensive as a curse word. Bitter, vile, and they don't return. If spoken they go out and hurt. Wound. Destroy. Much like a enemy I read about in His Holy Word.

Treat them as dust. Wipe them away. Whether they be thoughts, words or actions, shake them off your feet. You were made for more.

I leave you today with a thought. A song really. By the great Christy Nockles. "Healing is in Your Hands"

"No mountain. No valley. No gain or loss we know.

Could keep us from Your love.

No sickness. No secret. No chain is strong enough.

To keep us from You love.

How high. How wide. No matter where I am.

Healing is in Your hands.

Our present. Our future. Our past is in Your hands.

We're covered by Your blood.

How high. How wide. No matter where I am.

Healing is in Your hands.

How deep. How strong. Now by Your grace I stand.

Healing is in Your hands.

In all things. We know that.

We are more than conquerors.

You keep us by Your love."

Stay kept in His love. Embraced today. It's a place I long to stay. It's a place I am learning to abide. I stumbled here and have been changed. Forever.

Leave the healing to Him.

It's in His hands.

Good morning!

I sit with my coffee in hand. Inhaling the carmel machiatto aroma that permeates the early morning hours.

As I sit, I'm listening. Pondering the actions of recent days. My own and more often than not- those of others. As the morning dawns I am filled with wonder at the creation of this beautiful and yet scandelous world.

Yes, it was a deliberate action that THE Lord took to bring this into being. Much like the actions of an individual who took things out of being. Sandy Hook. Tears fall as I think about it. Oh how I wish I could be there to comfort those who mourn. I would sit. Hug. Hold. Cry. What more could I do? Nothing. Nada.

What grief they bear. Sadness. A heaviness that reminds us this world is not our home. This beautiful created world that grows darker by the day. Where the silver lining is more and more difficult to see as the very days we live in dim in the light of eternity. Oh, what a day that will be! A day where there will be no more sorrow. The parents hearts will be healed. Whole. All things broken will be made new. His word tells us SOON.

This holiday season has been the hardest one yet. Ambiguous feelings. I have cried, fought, and dealt with my anger over many things. My self-esteem, at an inch tall is at an all time high for the recent years. Not much, but oh the precious miles that have been traveled to get to this point. I am thankful. So much so, that I can hardly breathe at times.

Today is my last visit with my plastic surgeon except for my yearly rechecks. I was released earlier this week from my Radiation Oncologists care. Yes, I am getting better. I am finally getting to say goodbye to several doctors. At least from the monthly basis, now to a managable yearly visit.

As I read Isaiah 52-56, I found some nuggets of truth that lifted my head. I hope they do the same to yours!
Here is my shorthand version:

Wake up! And free yourselves from the chains that hold you captive that are wrapped around your neck! You have beautiful feet who tell the good news of the gospel. Proclaiming peace and good tidings! Yes, OUR GOD REIGNS!

SING. Worship.

Come away from the things that set you back. From any sin that holds you fast. God...He is our rear guard.

He too was disfigured. Beyond human recognition. But it is He who will reach the nations. He was rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. (Oh, how we need such a tender, personal, "knowing" God.)

SING. And Worship!

Those who do not, cannot have children. Sing! Open wide your doors. He has use for you!!! A purpose. The HOLY One Of Israel is your Redeemer.

Oh how this world needs a Savior. He can relate. He IS the silver lining that this world needs. It is not of our own strength. He is the God who knows the "WHY?" The Emmanuel that holds those that mourn. The Prince of Peace that defends and acts as a rear guard. Our Redeemer.

The twinkling lights seem to dance in the early hours of morning. Almost as if they hold a secret. They do. We can know it too. When we fall on our knees and hear the voice of the One who is calling. Come, let us adore Him. Worship Him. The elders and the angels are singing it night and day. Around His throne. Christmas time is almost like a glimpse of what it is like as the world sings.

Nothing shakes Him from His throne. He alone is worthy. Yes, He is coming back. For now, that is all we need to know. It is like a constant waiting for Christmas morning. That gift that no one can guess, but that we will all adore.

Being the last page of a book sort of reader I will tell you this....HE WINS.

May this holiday season restore in you the HOPE of glory. Yes...OUR GOD REIGNS. Even now, He stands ready. Patient. Not wanting anyone to perish. But all to see that indeed this baby wrapped in a manger is the hope-the silver lining- for this world.