Moving Forward....

This morning I woke up crying. Don't ask me how you do that, but I did. "Hormonal" is a word that doesn't even comes close to describing what I feel like sometimes. Yesterday I was walking through Wal-Mart, stocking up on supplies, when I had a moment. I was standing in the paper towel/plates, etc. isle and I just had this desire to scream at the top of my lungs, "Does anybody care that I am standing here having the worst Christmas? I don't want to be in pain! I don't even want this cancer! I'm not getting a cart full of stuff for some great party that we're having....I'm getting this b/c I can't shop for weeks, clean my house for weeks, or even hug my baby for weeks. And right now I just want to be mad about it!!!" The moment quickly passed w/o my outburst being heard by anyone. It isn't any one's fault. It is life. We fight for it, and sometimes forget how precious it is until we stare it in the eye.

They have told me that Chemo forces you through menopause. Perfect. I will just say ahead of time- "I am truly sorry, and for the next year, please don't take anything I say (when I am having a "moment") personally." I will take names and have to apologize later!

Yesterday, my wonderful friend Lisa accompanied me to my appointment, while my other wonderful friend Rachelle watched Cade. The Dr. was so kind and compassionate. From what he knows right now, they have caught this early. Lymph node involvement is still in question, but they take everything on the left side anyway. As for the right, I believe he tests all of the nodes there, but will take the right "side" per my request, due to the extremely high risk.  He also explained the procedure to me and walked me through the next couple of weeks. (I inserted my own comments, too)  Here is what it looks like:

Thrus. - Surgery (and Lord willing CANCER FREE)
Fri.- Home from the hospital with a couple of drains.
Sat. - Christmas
Sun.- A day of rest.
Mon.- Check up
During the week sometime- Results from the surgery/Meeting with my Oncologist
Fri.- Lord willing, the drains removed
Weekend
Following week- Treatment begins.
From here: Treatment over the course of the next year. PET Scan- Lord willing, NO MORE CANCER IN MY  BODY. Surgery for Chemo port- if needed,  2-3 Surgeries for reconstruction, (when Chemo/Rad is done.) Looking forward to this time next year- when I can look back on this from the other side- Cancer Free/Success Story- Survivor.

Lots of rest and relaxing on the menu. Here was the funny part the nurse told me:  "Live life normally, just as you would. No pushing, pulling, or picking up for 6-8 weeks."  Normally? Basically don't do anything except shower, fix your hair, read, and little stuff. "Normally" is a loose translation for getting a little "control" back in your life when everything else is spinning.

Interesting facts to note about breast cancer:
-If you have had a mastectomy, you are unable to get your blood pressure on either arm that has been affected. I will have to have it taken on my thigh.
-The reconstruction, when done, will be considered a "prosthetic" (only a permanent one)

I have quickly noted that you don't have much pride left.  My normally private life is quickly diminishing. It is teaching me much about true humility. Once again, it is not about us. When I look at this, I can see there are so many people (myself included) who are learning so many valuable truths through this.

So today? I have blood work and pre-Op tests. 
THEN, my wonderful sister is flying in. We will have Christmas at the Shafer's, and enjoy a wonderful meal together! Tomorrow, my mom, dad, and brother come in. Can't wait to see them all! I love how there are so many blessings sprinkled in. It helps me keep my mind off "me" and onto other important things.

I don't intend to always talk about "me" in this blog. I am using this right now for updating people/journaling. I find it is much easier than repeating news and updates. I feel drained emotionally when I repeat it, but don't worry- you can STILL call. I love hearing from you all. In fact I started a scrapbook of sorts that is loaded with encouragement from each of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. It helps bring a little bit of Son-shine! He is SO good, don't you see it? He continues to amaze me!